Falling Under

  “Okay, back off. I promised fish and chips and a beer to this lady and I keep my promises,” he said, putting an arm around her waist.

  “Perfect timing then. We’re expecting several orders of both to arrive any moment now,” PJ said. “Nice racing tonight, by the way.”

  The talk quickly turned to racing and cars as the food and drinks arrived. Music started up in the background and the night got started in earnest.

  Normally Duke would stick around, chat up some women, maybe go home with one. At the very least drink a lot more and hang out a lot longer. But he found himself noting the strain on Carmella’s features as things got louder and louder.

  “Are you feeling all right?” he asked her.

  “No. I’m tired. I’m going to head home. You stay and have a good time.”

  He just stared at her. “Really? Is that who you think I am? Who you think you are to me? Oh sure, go home. Hope you feel better. I’ll just hang and drink.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest, which cheered him because a bit of her spark showed through.

  “I’m trying to be nice.”

  “Well, stop it. We’re here together. I drove in with Asa so I could ride home with you. It was going to be all fancy and sneaky but that’s not necessary now. Let’s say our good-byes and get going. I’m not going to argue with you so you might as well just give in. I’m worth it.” He bent to kiss her, resting his forehead against hers afterward. “Let me in a little.”

  She shuddered against him and then relaxed, sliding her arms around his waist.

  “Okay.”

  They said their good-byes and headed to her truck, where he took her keys. “I’m going to drive and you’re going to tell me what’s up.”

  He worried she was going to hold back, even after she’d appeared to acquiesce earlier.

  “My dad is out of prison.”

  That was unexpected.

  “He got early release for good behavior.”

  “Should I be worried about your safety?” Duke tightened his hands on the steering wheel as he navigated through the parking lot and up the road toward the freeway.

  “No. He’s not interested in me. It’s just that he and my mom have this … intense relationship. He does all this damage and walks away but she’s going to be fucked up.”

  “I thought they were divorced. Isn’t she remarried?”

  Carmella’s laugh was bitter. “She married two other dudes, but every time Steven gets out of jail or prison, he comes for her and she drops whatever to be with him. Surprise surprise, turns out most people don’t like it when their spouse lets her ex-husband who also happens to be an ex-con take up residence in the living room. Or worse, takes off with him for weeks at a time.”

  Her mother sounded like a real piece of work.

  “So he’s out and back in Seattle? Your mother is with him again?”

  “She called my uncle to tell him they were together again and could he let me know. It’s fine. I’ll handle it like I always do. But tonight I guess I just hit a wall. I know you were having fun. I’m sorry you have to leave.”

  “Oh my god, shut up about that. There are no shortages of opportunities to drive fast machines and drink with my friends afterward. I’m here now because I want to be. I’d rather be with you. And I’m sort of proud that you finally told me all this even though it sucks and I’m sorry you’re experiencing it. What are you going to do?”

  “I’ll keep on monitoring her medication and emotional health the best I can. She’ll hide from me awhile because she knows she’s making a bad choice and I won’t lie to her. Him? Who knows? It depends on what version of a guy fresh out of the joint he’s on. Like, is this the ‘I found God’ version? I’ve been through that one a time or two. There’s angry and resentful guy, he’s good at that one. Fake penitent twelve-step guy too. He may even believe what he’s saying when he says it. But eventually he’ll break her heart and I’ll pick up the pieces and put her back together.”

  “Why is that your job?” What a fucked-up, upside-down dynamic. Something like that could bleed a person dry. He really didn’t like that Carmella had to deal with it.

  “Because there’s no one else to do it. That’s how things work sometimes.”

  Fair enough. And true enough too.

  “No one else can help you? Or her? Your uncle is her brother, right?”

  Carmella sighed. “She won’t listen to him. He tries. I’m the only one she listens to really.”

  “What the hell, Carm? Why are you trying to mother your own mother? You can’t go on like this. She’s taking advantage.”

  She made a sound, an unhappy sound.

  “What? Are you mad at me?” Duke asked, pissed off at the situation enough for both of them. A parent was supposed to do the taking care of, not the kid. People took advantage when someone had a heart as big as Carmella’s.

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about. It is what it is. You can wish it was something else, but wishes don’t do anything. Wishes won’t change the situation. If I don’t help her, who will? Would you let your mother suffer?”

  “Well, no. But …” Duke didn’t speak the next words he’d been thinking.

  Instead, she did. “But she’s a nice, upper-middle-class woman who doesn’t run off with ex-cons who have bigger problems than her own? Your mom isn’t broken and doesn’t use pills to soften that? Good for you. Good for her. But these are my shoes. I didn’t ask for them, but I walk in them nonetheless. You don’t know my life so how can you judge it that way?”

  He wasn’t used to people pushing back. Or if he was being truly fair, he avoided getting into heavy conversations with women he was sleeping with. But she wasn’t a woman he fucked. Carmella was so much more and she had a whole lot on her plate. Way more than he’d imagined, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her or make her regret sharing with him.

  “You’re right. I don’t know your life. I’m learning and thank you for sharing with me. I’m sorry if I was a jerk. I care about you and got pissed that you had to shoulder this. I didn’t mean to make it worse.”

  She was quiet awhile. “Apology accepted.”

  “Good. To be honest, my mother is indeed upper middle class. She worked very hard to smooth out anything but that in her accent. You’d never know she started out working in a factory at fifteen. But I would help her, yes. And no, I wouldn’t let her suffer.” He’d shed blood for his family, biological and otherwise. He should have known Carmella would be the same. “Can I help you? Take some of the weight off your shoulders?”

  “Thanks, but no. You have a business to run. You don’t need to worry about this stuff. It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. I keep hoping she’ll get past this. Finally break it off with him for real. Or that he really did change this time. But I’m old enough to know that’s not going to happen. So I deal in the reality I have.”

  “I have big shoulders. You can use them any time you need them. Got me? I understand you have this dynamic with your mother. And I accept that you know best in how to handle it. But I’m not too busy for you. Ever.”

  She sucked in a breath and then exhaled slowly. “Thanks.”

  The rest of the drive she was quiet, but the tension of earlier had passed, and by the time he parked at her place, she’d perked up a little and he just wanted to hold her until everything was better.

  And fix the timing and check the transmission on her truck.

  “Come on. Let’s get you home and tucked in.” He led her up to her doorstep and went in first. Ginger didn’t seem alarmed so Duke relaxed a little. Carmella had said her father wasn’t interested in her, but if she was a way to get to the mother, or if Carmella was being far kinder than she should be to the man, Duke wanted to be vigilant.

  “I’m sorry you had to leave.” She stopped herself and he smiled as she put her hands up the way he sometimes did with her. “Just a slip of the tongue. I’m working on it.” It was hard not to apologize all th
e time. But she was indeed working on it.

  “I just want to hold you until you fall asleep. Then I’ll lock up and head home. I promise.”

  “Sometimes, Duke? You’re so perfect and you say exactly the right thing and I get really freaked out.” Carmella hadn’t meant to share in that level of detail, but once it was out, she was glad she had.

  He led her to the bedroom. “Perfect, huh? Can I remind you of this the next time I fuck up and you’re mad at me?” He shrugged a shoulder and winced.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “My back. I screwed it up when I was in the army. Tonight during the race I moved wrong probably. I’ll take some pain reliever when I get home.”

  Carmella pointed to the bed. “Shirt and pants off.”

  “Uh? Okay.”

  “I’m going to give you a massage. If you want a happy ending, we’ll discuss that after.”

  He laughed, giving her a hug. “I like you a hell of a lot, Carmella.”

  He was incorrigible. She kissed him quickly and pointed at the bed again. “I like you too. Now, clothes off, on the bed facedown.”

  “This is supposed to be about you,” Duke said as he pulled his shirt off and all his ink was bared to her.

  “Trust me, Duke. I am all on board with what I’m looking at.” At his saucy grin she just laughed.

  “At least tell me you get naked too.” He shucked the rest of his clothes. “I always want a happy ending. I can tell you that up front.” He got on the bed.

  “You’re so full of it. It’s lucky for you that you’re gorgeous and talented with your hands.” She pulled her pants off, but left the shirt and panties as she scrambled atop his body, resting her ass on the backs of his thighs.

  Carmella gave in, sliding her palms all over his back and shoulders, just getting a feel for his muscles. There was a knot she found and circled slowly. “This here?”

  “Yes.” He groaned.

  She poured a little almond oil into her palm and slowly began to work her fingers and the heels of her hands into the bunched-up muscles across his back and up his spine.

  Carmella let the rhythm of it lull her. Over the minutes, the knot got smaller and his muscles looser. And weirdly enough, she felt closer to him. Like the trust she’d allowed had deepened after the way he’d given over to her touch.

  “Where’d you learn that?” he asked lazily into her pillow. “You’re so good at it. I don’t want to move for an hour.”

  She kissed his neck as she dropped to lie next to him on the bed. “I was taking an accounting class at North Seattle Community College during my senior year of high school. You know one of those tech credit things? They had a variety of community enrichment-type classes and one of them was massage. So I took it.” To have a few more nights a week away from her house as well.

  “Cool. A plus. You told me something else about yourself.” He turned his face her way.

  “I’m not trying to be mysterious. You tell me something now.”

  He was quiet for a bit before he started speaking. “Like what?”

  “You said you loved living near the beach but you enlisted. Why? Why leave that behind to go to war?”

  “Truthfully?”

  She nodded. “Yes. That’s always my answer to that question. The truth might hurt, but lies are worse.”

  “Good to know. I agree, by the way. I’m not like my siblings. They grew up in a world where they never remember the way our parents had to struggle. They grew up accepting that college was a reality. I came to that too late for it to change me the way it had them. I loved surfing and the beach and all that stuff. But I wasn’t at home there. I thought the army would be a way for me to get my shit straight so I could come back and start my professional life. I just … well you can’t really know what it’s like until you’re there.”

  “The military? War? Or the Middle East?”

  “The army was okay. It had rules. I grew up with rules. I was expected to be resourceful to get the job done. I liked that. They appreciated my mechanical skills. Rewarded them even. I didn’t mind that, though I hated the loss of my personal freedom. Iraq was hot. Really, really hot. The people, the ones who were caught in the middle? They were amazing despite all the chaos.”

  He was silent awhile and she thought maybe she’d pushed too far. “You don’t have to say anything else if you don’t want to.” She heard the pain in his voice and realized she’d taken him being in the military more casually than she should have. He was decorated, had seen a lot. She shouldn’t go stirring up his bad memories.

  He smiled, still on his belly with her beside him. “No, this is good. War sucks. It sucks no matter what or where or why. But we were out there on the ragged edge. Every week there were firefights. People got injured and killed all the time. It ages you. It makes you wary and suspicious. These nineteen-year-olds get there and within three months they look ten years older. It was hard not to get cynical or bitter. But I learned a lot about myself. I had Asa and Mick and the rest of my crew there. We had one another’s backs. It was harder than I ever expected, mainly because I had no idea what to expect.”

  “Would you have chosen differently if you could do it over again?” Carmella asked.

  “I thought things, and did things that I don’t know if I can ever forget. And that’s probably for the best. I’m who I am right this moment because of the military and because Asa and Mick came into my life and I had a feeling of fraternity that I had been missing before. I realized there was nothing shameful in wanting a profession where my office was under a hood instead of overlooking a cityscape. So, despite the pain, I’d make the same choice again.”

  “Were you scared?”

  “Every day.”

  Carmella rested her head on his arm. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Me too, gorgeous. Now about that happy ending.”

  Duke hadn’t meant to say all that. He rarely spoke about his time in Iraq. He considered himself lucky. He came back to the United States with a lot of secrets and pain, but it was manageable. And for that he was incredibly grateful. Some of his friends never made it back. Others who got home wrestled with demons far greater than getting shot at every day.

  He also hadn’t meant to be so touched by something as seemingly simple as a massage. But everything she wasn’t ready to say yet was communicated through her touch.

  That, coupled with all the stuff she’d shared, had shredded every last defense he had. He’d given himself to Carmella Rossi and that was that.

  “Damn, you wreck me. You know that?” he asked her.

  She wasn’t expecting that.

  Carmella paused, those big eyes just taking in his face. “I don’t want to wreck you. I like you in one piece.”

  Now that his back felt better, he was able to grab her and pull her beneath him quickly.

  “It’s a good sort of wreckage.”

  “I don’t know if there’s such a thing.”

  “I’m the one feeling it and I’m saying there is. Contrary.” He kissed her, sad that she meant what she had said. Angry that whatever she’d experienced had led her to believe this kind of knock-down-drag-out love was impossible. Or bad. “Your ex-husband, is he the one who made you believe love isn’t real?”

  Duke realized he wasn’t sure he wanted to know once he’d asked.

  “My mother has a romantic fool’s heart. It’s landed her in one fucked-up mess after the next. Clifton only underlined what I learned from her. I thought there would be sex. This is like showing up to a party where there’s no food.”

  “Look at you. There’ll be sex.” He bent to breathe her in at his favorite spot. Her neck where it met her shoulder.

  Pulling the soft cotton of her shirt away, he licked over the skin there. She hummed and the sound wrapped a fist around his cock.

  “Oh yes.” He bit her nipple through the material of her shirt and bra and her pussy seemed to superheat against his cock. “I pretty much want to sex you up every moment
of the day so there’s nothing to worry about on that front. I’m greedy for you in every way. I can’t help it. Give me more. His name is Clifton? I’m having a really hard time imagining you with a dude named Clifton.”

  She snickered and he felt better. “His name is Clifton. He claims it was after his great-grandfather who was a blues guitarist. I think it’s from his great-grandfather who sold shoes he stole off the back of a truck.”

  He reared up enough to pull her shirt off. “Keep going. I’m just multitasking.”

  “You make it hard to concentrate when you do that.” Her voice had slowed down a tad and gone down to velvet and smoke.

  “Thank god because when you get super turned on, your voice does that thing and it makes me crazy. Crazy for you.”

  As he’d said all that, he’d gotten rid of her bra and moved to his knees, her thighs open to either side of him as she lay on her back.

  So much had happened between them in a short period of time and he gorged on her. On the way her hips felt under his hands as he held her. The power of her inner thigh muscles as he petted her and she arched for more.

  Her tits, fuck, he had to take them in his hands, loving their weight. This beauty with that heart of a lion, soft and vulnerable but ferocious too. All contradiction.

  Perfect.

  “You were telling me about Clifton.”

  “Why, though? Isn’t this much better without talk about my ex-husband?”

  “It’s always fantastic when you’re naked and my hands are on you. We’ll be done talking about him and then we’ll both have a happy ending.”

  Her eyes went half-mast and her frown tipped up slightly into a feline smile of promise. “You’re so good with compliments. Seriously.”

  He not only loved her, lusted after her, and craved more of her, he liked her. He had a lot of acquaintances but the true friends in his life were a small circle. She was there, he realized with a start.

  “Well, let me follow up with this. I’ve had a thing for you for years. I’ve jerked off dozens of times with your face in my head. Nothing could have prepared me for the reality of you.”