The Rocker Who Shatters Me

  “Luca!” Layla gently scolded as she took her son from a red-faced but laughing Marissa. “Oh my gods, Rissa. I’m so sorry.”

  When she left to give her oldest son a talking to, I sat Lyric on his feet so he could toddle after his mother and brother. For the next half hour I stood with Marissa and Emmie. We were joined by Rhett and soon after Liam and Linc. But not long after Wroth appeared, I knew it was time to take Rhett and run. From the harmless flirting that Rhett and Marissa were doing I knew that Wroth was going to get the wrong idea and murder the poor guy before his career had a chance to take off.

  “Phew,” Linc muttered as we stopped by the buffet and he turned to face his boyfriend. “I was sure that you were about to eat your dick.”

  Rhett rolled his eyes. “And wouldn’t that just break your heart.” He picked up a plate and started piling food onto it. “I’m not scared of Wroth Niall.”

  I met Linc’s gaze and rolled my eyes. We were all a little scared of Wroth. He was too quiet, too observing. And he had some dangerous skills that his time in the marines had taught him along with an anger that had been left to brew over the last year. If I were Rhett Tomlinson, I would seriously be worried about my dick and especially about my life.

  “Linc, is Natalie here yet?”

  My head snapped around at the sound of his voice. Had cutting my hair really changed the way I looked so drastically that Devlin hadn’t recognized me? Just the thought pissed me off because it only confirmed for me that it had always been my fucking hair that Devlin Cutter had been so attracted to, not the woman underneath it.

  “Uh-oh,” Rhett muttered when he saw the look on my face. He grabbed a napkin and a plastic fork and nudged Linc in the ribs with his elbow. “Duck and cover, dude.”

  Linc grunted, agreeing with the rocker and walked away without answering Devlin. “Dude,” Devlin called after him. “Is she here or not? You don’t have to be a fucking prick.” Linc shot him the finger over his shoulder and kept walking, leaving Devlin cursing after him. And completely ignoring the short-haired chick standing not five feet from him.

  I wanted to pick up one of the plastic forks and stab him in the back with it. “Smooth,” I snapped as I grabbed a plate just to keep my hands busy so I didn’t actually start stabbing the asshole.

  Devlin jerked around, his eyes landing on me and narrowing as he took in my short hair. “Sonofabitch,” he bit out. He took a step closer, his hands lifting toward my head as if he was going to touch my hair and I stepped back, glaring at him. “What the fuck did you do, Nat?” His voice was pained, his eyes dark with hurt. “All that beauty, gone. Why would you do that?”

  I turned away from him, slapping a scoop of everything on my plate whether I wanted it or not. “So I’m not beautiful without my hair?”

  He let out a frustrated groan. “Of course you. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. I just don’t understand why you would cut your hair off…” He broke off with another curse and grabbed my plate, halting my progress down the buffet. “You wanted to hurt me, is that it? You wanted to punish me?”

  I shrugged; there was no use in denying it. “That was one of my reasons.”

  “Did you think it would make me want you any less?” he demanded in a choked voice and I lifted angry eyes to meet his pained gaze, letting the look in my own tell him exactly what I’d thought. It had been the truth, though. He hadn’t even noticed me when I’d been standing so close to him. What else was I expected to think? “It didn’t work, Nat. I’m as hard for you right now as I always am.”

  “Really? For some reason I don’t believe you.” Since he had my plate I picked up another one and started piling food on all over again.

  My first plate landed on the bar top that was holding the food, making mashed potatoes and mac and cheese splatter across the surface. I turned to glare at him. “Will you stop acting so immature, Devlin?”

  “I’m not the immature one, Natalie. You’re the one who won’t stop for five fucking minutes and have an adult conversation with me. We need to talk before the tour starts, we need to work this out. I can’t handle three months on the same bus with you with things unresolved between us. I’m already losing my fucking mind, baby.” He raked his fingers through his hair, messing it and making him even sexier in my eyes.

  “There isn’t anything left to say. Our relationship was based on a lie and then we hooked up for a fun one-nighter that should never have happened.” I shrugged, like it was no big deal, when on the inside I died a little more. Everything we’d had together had definitely been a big deal to me. It still was and that was why I continued to hurt so badly.

  “Stop talking about what we had like it was nothing, Nat. We had something special. It still is. We both care about each other—”

  “You stop!” I hissed at him, trying to keep my voice low so that I didn’t attract the attention of my brothers or anyone else. I did not want to cause a scene. Hadn’t I been embarrassed enough already? “Stop acting like you really cared. It was all a damn game to you, Dev. I was nothing to you. I’m still nothing to you.”

  “You have got to be blind if you don’t see how much I care about you. Every day I wake up without you in my arms is another day I suffer the fires of hell. All I want is you beside me, baby.” I rolled my eyes at him, not believing a word he was saying. “Damn it, do you think this is easy for me, Nat? To bare my soul to you like this? Do you? Well it fucking isn’t.”

  My heart clenched when his voice actually cracked. My anger at him, at myself, faded for a moment and I saw a man in front of me who really was hurting. Hadn’t that been what I’d wanted all along, to make him hurt as much as I was hurting? But to see his pain only caused mine to increase tenfold. “Dev—”

  The excited exclaims of Dallas and Axton suddenly had everyone around the room turning to find out what was going on and whatever I might have said, might have done, was interrupted. When my friends announced that they were having another baby and that it was going to be born in the same year as their newborn son, I felt bile rise into my throat and pushed past Devlin in search of the closest bathroom.

  I hadn’t eaten since breakfast when I’d forced down some yogurt, so I spent more time dry heaving than actually vomiting. When the spasms in my stomach had calmed, I flushed the toilet and moved to wash my hands before rinsing my mouth out. A sound behind me made me freeze because for a moment I was sure that Devlin had followed me. When the man behind me shifted and I saw him clearly in the mirror, I breathed a sigh of relief.

  “This has got to stop, Natalie,” Linc told me, his tone concerned. “You can’t keep going on like this.”

  “Linc…” I grimaced and shook my head. “I’m okay. Honest.”

  We both knew that I was lying my ass off. Linc was my best friend, and no one knew me better than he did except for my sister. My guilt was making me physically ill, and Linc wanted me to confide in him like I’d always done in the past. But I couldn’t. This was my burden to bear and no one else’s.

  “Does he even know, Nat?” Linc demanded, knowing I wasn’t going to talk about the fact that I’d just been throwing my guts up. “Does he know that you—”

  “That I bought the morning-after pill? Yeah, I told him I was going to do it.” I’d taunted him with it that night when he’d texted me to talk about it. Fuck, I really was as childish as he’d accused me of so many times. Disgust at myself only added to my self-hate and my stomach roiled again, but I knew that there was nothing left to throw up so I just stood there, holding onto the edge of the cold sink until it passed.

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Linc stepped closer, his hand touching the small of my back and rubbing soothing circles over the skin. “Look, at least talk to Dallas about this, okay?”

  I nodded, knowing that I was still lying. There was no reason to talk to Dallas. She was a nurse, not the shrink that I really needed.

  Natalie

  The mere thought of having to
face my mother this morning was enough to make me pull the covers up over my head and shriek my frustration. I didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to hear her snide comments about my haircut, or my roommate—whom she didn’t like because he was so beautiful, but so very gay—or the fact that I was still single, or hear her recriminations for the millionth time about my idiotic decision to get involved with one of them. One of them meant a rocker, but every time I heard those three little words leave my mother’s mouth I knew what she was talking about and wanted to slap her face.

  I hadn’t always disliked my mother. When I was a little girl, I’d always thought she was the smartest, kindest woman alive. But as I’d grown up, I’d slowly started seeing that my mother had two sides to her. One was the one she presented to the outside world, the one that was all smiles and the type of person who could do no wrong; the other was the real Stella Stevenson. The one that was a selfish bitch who had spent years attempting to poison my mind and then Jenna’s to the immoral lifestyle that was our brothers’ world. My eyes weren’t completely opened, however, until Lana had told me exactly what my mother had done.

  How could I respect a woman who had made her husband turn his back on his sons when they had needed him the most? I couldn’t. My mother was the most selfish woman I’d ever met. She wasn’t greedy for money or material things, of course. No, it had been her obsession with my father, the jealousy that she’d felt at not being his first wife or to give birth to his first child, that had made her so selfish and bitter. My father was either a really ignorant man, or a man who loved his wife dearly to have put up with her and her me me me mentality for so long.

  There was no getting out of seeing her today, though. She was dropping Jenna off with Shane and Harper so that she could tour with us this summer. I couldn’t wait to see my sister, needed to see her and just have her hug me so desperately. But if I wasn’t there when our parents dropped her off I knew I wouldn’t hear the end of the nagging until at least Christmas. Of next year.

  Feeling drained, I forced myself to climb out of bed and into the shower. Getting ready didn’t take nearly as long now that most of my hair was gone. Once my hair was dry, I swallowed one of the daily vitamins that were sitting on my sink before brushing my teeth and starting on my makeup. If my mother saw the dark circles under my eyes she would only have another thing to bitch at me about.

  Linc had already gone out for his morning workout with Liam and Marissa was either still in bed or she and Rhett had gone out for breakfast, something that they normally did at least once a week. If Linc was my best friend, then Rhett was for sure Marissa’s. I was glad that no one was around. I didn’t want to have to face Linc and his concern, and Rhett was no better. If Marissa wasn’t off in a world of her own pain, she probably would have been as well.

  Fucking rockers always breaking our hearts.

  Gritting my teeth at that thought, I grabbed my keys and wallet as I left. Twenty minutes later I arrived at Shane and Harper’s apartment. It was the same one he and Drake had shared until Lana had gotten pregnant with Nevaeh and they’d moved into their house. It was a nice three-bedroom apartment that was roomy and had cost more than a small fortune when Emmie had bought it for my brothers.

  Ranger started barking the moment I pushed the doorbell. Moments later, Shane opened the door with a sour look on his face, letting me know without words that our father and Stella had arrived already. I squared my shoulders and lifted my head a little in hopes of gaining a little extra confidence before having to face my parents.

  “Morning, Nat.” Shane stepped forward to kiss my cheek before letting me in. “Good luck.”

  I gave him a small, tight smile as I entered the apartment. Ranger came over to greet me with a lick to my hand before running back to find Harper. That dog loved her more than anything, was very protective over her, and I was sure that my brother and the German shepherd considered each other rivals for her attention. I followed after the dog, hoping that he might protect me from my mother for the next few hours.

  Everyone was in the living room. Harper on the recliner with her feet pulled up under her, a cup of coffee in her hands. My mother and father had taken the couch leaving my sister to take the smaller reclining sofa. As soon as I spotted my sister, the pain around my heart lightened just a fraction. I bypassed my mother and father to wrap my arms around the beautiful girl who had already jumped to her feet.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” I told her with a happy little laugh.

  I hadn’t seen Jenna since Christmas when I’d flown with her out to California to spend the holiday with Shane and Drake and the rest of their crazy family. Harper had kindly invited Stella and Clyde out to stay with them at their Santa Monica house. Of course, my mother had practically broken her neck when she’d looked down her nose at Harper’s invitation and made up an excuse for why they couldn’t go. I hadn’t minded, not when it meant I got to be free of her bitchiness during Christmas for once.

  Jenna’s arms were tight around my waist as she hugged me back. “I missed you more.” She pulled back enough to meet my gaze, blue-gray eyes narrowing a little on my short hair. “How are you?”

  Unlike Linc, Jenna knew everything that I’d been going through lately. I hadn’t been able to keep it from her. My little sister knew me so well that she’d known by the tone of my voice when I’d talked to her on the phone the evening after I’d bought that stupid pill. “I’m good,” I assured her, more for our mother’s sake than in any honesty. Good was always our code for ‘we’ll talk about it later’.

  As soon as Jenna stepped back I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Schooling my emotions, I turned to face my parents who were now standing. Clyde gave me a bright smile, his gaze not even going to my hair. “It’s good to see you, sweetheart. We’ve missed you so much.”

  I wrapped my arms around him, for just a moment letting myself fall back into the role of daddy’s little girl. “I’ve missed you too, Daddy.”

  He gave me a squeeze and moved back so that I could hug my mother. I didn’t give her nearly as tight a hug as I’d done my sister and father, nor did she hug me with the warmth that the other two had. Our hug was simply for show. She couldn’t very well let Shane and Harper think she didn’t care about her eldest daughter, after all.

  The hug lasted less than a second and then she was cutting into me about my hair. “Why on earth would you cut your hair so short, Natalie? It doesn’t suit you at all.”

  I refrained from snapping back at her with a bitchy retort, instead taking the empty spot beside my sister while Shane lounged on the arm of Harper’s chair and Ranger sat on his hind legs in front of her. Harper thankfully cut off my mother’s continued interrogation into my reasons for cutting my hair by asking me if I would like a cup of coffee. “I wouldn’t mind a mug of tea if you have it,” I told her, unable to stomach coffee ever since Linc had started making Jesse Thornton’s special recipe each morning.

  When Harper started to stand, Shane gently pushed her back down. “I’ll do it, beautiful.” He leaned forward to kiss her lips lingeringly before asking me how I took my tea.

  “Weak with a little sugar, but I can get it, Shane.”

  His eyes darkened and shot to Stella for a split second, telling me that he wanted the excuse to get away from his stepmother. “Nah, its fine. I’ll be right back.”

  Lucky.

  For the next two hours I had to sit there and listen to my mother’s constant criticisms. I knew better than to defend myself, because it only set her off more. It didn’t stop Jenna, Shane or even Harper from stepping in to correct her. They loved me and hated the way my mother treated me, and Shane was always looking for a reason to tell her off. Which only got Stella’s hackles raised for being ‘disrespected’. By the time my father announced it was time for them to make the long trip back home, he was looking gray around the mouth and I knew they would be arguing for the majority of the drive. Clyde never scolded Stella in front of anyone, but when they
were alone he always let her know if she was being a bitch.

  Harper walked my parents to the door and Shane flopped down into his wife’s chair, letting out a long sigh of relief. “Thank gods that’s over. Five more minutes and I would have tossed her out the window.”

  Jenna giggled, a delightful sound that always reminded me of our childhood. “I promise I would have helped. She can’t stand that Nat has her own life now and that it has nothing to do with her.” The giggles stopped and she grimaced. “I can’t wait to get out of that house. I’m going to miss Dad, but Mom not so much. And I still haven’t told her that I’m applying to a few West Coast colleges.”

  “But I thought you were going to come to New York and attend NYU?” I pouted at her. “You love Shane more than you love me.”

  Jenna rolled her eyes at me. “I love you all the same. And it isn’t about being closer to Shane, although it will be a plus,” she rushed to assure our brother when he made a pained sound. “Harris asked me to since he wants to attend UCLA when he graduates in two years. We’ve even talked about getting an apartment together off campus.”

  “You and Harris Cutter?” Shane shook his head at the very idea of our sister with the sixteen-year-old. “I just don’t see you two together, Jen.”

  Jenna snorted. “We aren’t and we never will be. Harris and I are simply really good friends. Nothing more, I swear.”

  I didn’t question her sincerity. Jenna would never go for Harris because she was a lesbian. Something that only Harris and I knew, since Jenna had told Harris about her sexual preference during our Christmas on the West Coast.

  “If you say so,” Shane said with a teasing light in his eyes.

  “Say what?” Harper asked as she returned from the front door with Ranger at her heels. She sat down on Shane’s lap and Ranger put his head in her lap, wanting his ears scratched.