The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer

  CHAPTER XXXVII.

  The Buccaneer thought that for a contented and prosperous people he hadhis fair share of disaffection; but Liberty now ushered in a pale-facedand solemn looking batch, who declared that drink was sending theBuccaneer's people to the dogs and the devil. They carried in front ofthem a banner on which was depicted a drunkard beating his wife, andill-using his starved children. On the reverse, there was the besottedmother and the sober but miserable husband. This cheerless-looking lot,upon whose features laughter-loving mirth never seemed to dwell, werethe total abstainers, who declared that nothing would save the Buccaneerand his people, except they were all made sober by law.

  "Why, Jack!" cried the Buccaneer, turning to his friend, "one lot wantsto feed me on peacods, while another wants to drench me with water."

  But now a portly lot of red-faced, pimply-nosed publicans, whosestomachs were as round as one of their own beer barrels, pushed theirway to the front, and swore that water was being the ruin of them. Theytold the Buccaneer in plain and unmistakable language, that if hispeople continued to walk in the paths of sobriety at the same rate atwhich they were at present going, the source from which he derived nolittle of his revenue would be completely dried up, and he would losemillions of his yearly income, when his upper classes would have to bearthe burden of increased taxation.

  The Buccaneer always taxed his upper classes as much as ever he could.Perhaps this was right. Besides, what was called the people, thatmighty, but barely defined force, did not like taxation, and thereforethey were exempted; but they had no prejudice otherwise against theprinciple.

  The Buccaneer was touched, and after a moment's consideration he said,"Why can't my subjects drink in moderation, and not make beasts ofthemselves?"

  "Why not, indeed, sir?" answered the publicans. "A man in moderation cantake a good quantity of liquor and not hurt himself, and yet benefit thetrade and his country. We set our face against your habitual drunkard.He is our enemy, because he gives in too soon. It is the steady drinker;the man who is always at it, and yet who never gets himself intodifficulties, that is our friend."

  To lose millions a year. This was indeed a serious affair, and theBuccaneer feared that those muddling water drinkers would do himconsiderable harm. But there was a bright spot looming in the distance,for had not his trusty Captain Dogvane told him that there was a heathennation with an immense population to be civilised? Of course it wasagainst his religious principles that he should place drunkenness withineasy reach of this people; but then, if at the same time he gave themhis Book, and rescued them from the devil, that would be a fairexchange, and in all things human, there must be shortcomings; thingsthat one would willingly prevent if one could, but we cannot expectperfection in this world, and we must therefore have recourse to thatmost useful and necessary custom of winking at things we cannot help. Itis much to be regretted, that the heathen with civilisation will take tostrong liquors, as naturally apparently as a duck takes to water. But hedoes, so there is an end of it. The Buccaneer now eased his conscienceby being extremely severe upon his publicans whom he read a sharplecture. He treated them in a most haughty manner, said they were ademoralizing agency; a blot, a blemish, and a disgrace; but still hetook their money. He told them they had better take care of themselves.

  The publicans said that was the very thing of all others they would tryto do; but they added that the officers of the Buccaneer's Revenue wereso precious sharp, and were so much against them, and were down uponthem with such heavy penalties if they attempted to help their friendsthe teetotallers, by watering their ales, and other strong drinks, thatvirtue had no chance to be over-virtuous. They declared that thelicentious Revenue officers hovered over them like a lot of hungryvultures; and with their meddlesome ways were doing an infinity ofmischief.

  The publicans were a mighty power in the Buccaneer's kingdom, and it isto his credit that he rebuked them even as he did. He read them alecture, and having in his mind's eye the banner of the teetotallers hepointed out to the delinquents the frightful consequences of drink. Thepublicans were quite equal to the occasion, they said that there weretwo sides to every question, and that the devil himself was not half asblack as he was painted. To this the Lords Spiritual took exception, andthey rose in a body and entered their protest against such a blasphemousassertion. Of course this weighty matter could not be argued out at sucha time, or in such a place; but it was taken up on board the old ChurchHulk, and received there all the attention it deserved, and no doubt itwas the means of adding still more to the Buccaneer's numerous sects.

  Some were inclined to subject the devil to the fashionable process knownas white-washing. As every eminent blackguard in ancient, and up to acertain time even in modern history, has undergone this treatment, thereis no reason why his satanic majesty should be left out in the cold. Itseems hard that the blackguard Judas should not have been favoured, butperhaps some champion will yet arise to take up his cause. Does not theChristian world owe him something? Would it have been saved from thetorments of hell, if Judas had not played the betrayer's part? Thepublicans said there was a good deal of prejudice about drink. Thatparty feeling here, as elsewhere, ran extremely high, engendering verymuch animosity, and thus a good deal of obloquy and unjust reproach washeaped upon the head of the poor drunkard. They begged that the subjectmight be approached in no mean or narrow spirit. They maintained thatthe drunkard, if only a steady going drunkard, and a man of regularhabits, was a public benefactor. One who did his best through the meansof indirect taxation to swell the revenues of the State, and as a vastnumber of the Buccaneer's people paid no direct taxes, the only way theyhelped to keep up the dignity, the honour, the welfare, and the safetyof the empire was by getting as drunk as they could, as often as theycould. Indeed, looking at it from their point of view, the greater thedrunkard, the greater the benefactor he was to the community; he being aman who sacrificed himself, and frequently his family, for the sake ofhis country, as every good citizen should. If he broke down occasionallyunder the burden of indirect taxation, he was an object more of pitythan of contempt. And if he beat his wife, and starved his children,what then? The individual must at all times be sacrificed for the sakeof the general public. So eloquent were the publicans, and there was somuch force in what they said, that the Buccaneer began to waver. Thepublicans seeing the good impression they had made, continued on in thesame direction, and pointed out that if the teetotallers set up the pumpand pulled down the pot-house, that not only would the great Buccaneerlose his revenue, but that his people would assuredly become gourmands,for that there never was a total abstainer who was not a large if not acoarse feeder, and of the two, a drunkard, they declared, bad as he was,was infinitely to be preferred to a glutton.

  The case was undoubtedly a serious one. Not one amongst the grandcompany--not even Dogvane himself--would dare to give an opiniondirectly against the publicans, such was their power in the island. TheBuccaneer was obliged to admit that the drunkard was a despicablerascal, and the cause of very great misery; but then the public-housesbrought in such a very large revenue.

  There appeared to be only one way out of the difficulty and that was tohave recourse to a Royal Commission. This institution which has beforebeen mentioned, requires to be explained, for it was extremely useful tothe Buccaneer and got him out of many difficulties. It was a wonderfulinstitution and had many and various virtues. It was supposed to containa cure for every evil under the sun and to possess wonderful powers offinding out ills and their several remedies; and it was supposed to havea microscopic eye, and a bright intelligence, that shed a light into thedarkest holes and corners. At least, it was supposed to do all this. Itwas a mysterious institution, having, indeed, some of the attributes ofthe Inquisition. There was one thing about it that was evident to all.It was extremely slow in its working, and perhaps in this lay no littleof its virtue, for anything that it took under its consideration fadedaway from public view long before any conclusion was arrived at, andthus it may
be said that it squeezed all the life out of whatever it satupon, and then buried its victim in some official pigeon-hole, or othertomb belonging to oblivion.

  What the publicans had said brought forward the butchers; but BillyCheeks had nothing to do with these. They declared they were doingscarcely any business. They said that however true it might be, as ageneral rule, about water-drinkers being large eaters, they saw no signsof total abstinence in this respect amongst the people. They added thatwhat with foreign competition and the growing carefulness ofhousekeepers, who kept far too sharp an eye upon their allies the cooks,their profits were falling off every day. Then they pointed out thattheir trade was being threatened by the vegetarians, who could stuffthemselves to repletion for about sixpence, or even less. Now a farmer,who having heard what the butchers had said, declared butchers ought tobe making large fortunes, for that they charged the people quite double,and sometimes more, than what they gave for the meat. This was quitetrue, but then the butchers only acted upon that principle of robberywhich was to be detected in the breast of most of the tradingBuccaneers, and was all due, no doubt, to an old Sea King, or pirate,having taken to business in his latter years, and the principle on whichhe traded, namely, of turning his five talents into ten.

  The dispute between the burly farmer and the burly butcher seemedlikely to end in blows; but the vegetarians stepped in and acted as abuffer. They declared that animal food was not at all necessary, andthat if men would only feed upon vegetables there would be no wars andthey would live longer and more intellectual lives.

  "If that comes to pass," said old Jack, "farewell to the lowing herdsand the bleating flocks, for man isn't going to keep these things tolook at, and a pretty flabby weak-kneed lot we shall be. Give me my chopand toothsome steak, say I."

  Jack was told that he was very much behind the time and that science wasdead against him. This discussion was put an end to by the appearance ofthe milkmen who complained that they had suffered considerably sincethey had been stopped manufacturing their own cream, adulterating theirmilk with water, and mixing fat with their butter. In fact, all thetradesmen had the same story to tell, and cried out against thestringent laws which ground them down to a rigid line of honesty.Perquisites and peculation, they declared, were almost things of thepast, and they added that all this was strictly against the interests oftrade, and was not according to precedent. They wanted to know where theBuccaneer would have been if, in his fine old Buccaneering days, he hadbeen so hampered. In conclusion they declared that a too rigid honestywas not compatible with prosperity, and that though "honesty is the bestpolicy" is a capital text to put over your door, it is a bad principleto practise behind the counter. They added that "_caveat emptor_" oughtto be the motive power between man and man in all his mercantiletransactions, and that idiots should be left to take care of themselves.

  This unprincipled language horrified the Buccaneer, who having longsince become wealthy, could now afford to be honest, virtuous, andrespectable. So he condemned, in no measured terms, these nefariousadulterators, and would-be peculators. It is true that these tradesmenwere but chips of the ancient block; but that block had now been laidaside, and was only produced on very great and state occasions, when themagnitude of it quite overshadowed all the small chips that had been cutfrom it, and the block was so highly polished that it looked altogetherbeautiful and quite virtuous.

  But who are these men, who look like whitened sepulchres, that aretreading so closely upon the heels of the milkmen?

  These are the Buccaneer's bakers, who declared that nearly all theBuccaneer's bread was made by foreign hands, who were literally takingthe very bread out of the mouths of the Buccaneer's own sons.

  The Buccaneer knew there was very great truth in this. But how was he toremedy the evil? His was a free land and people ever had been allowed tocome and to go at their own pleasure; and to buy and sell, and to maketheir money as best they could. Then the bakers had the same complaintabout the severity of the law, which kept so strict an eye upon them allto the detriment of trade, that it was not safe to use any of thesubstances so useful in adulterating bread, such as bean meal, riceflour, potatoes and peas, indian corn, salt, and alum. Of course theyadmitted that too much alum was not good for the human stomach, but thatwas no business of theirs, and the human stomach could adapt itself toall things, so wonderfully and marvellously was it made.

  The brewers next had their say, and declared that their ales and stoutsstood a chance of being washed out of the market by the light beveragesfrom the other side of the water, and that these and wishy-washy wineswere ruining their trade, and undermining the constitution of thepeople. These malcontents declared that this was but the thin end of thewedge which was eventually to cleave the Buccaneer's prosperity asunder.It was by good strong brewed ales and beef that he had made himself whathe was, and unless John Barleycorn was reinstated they fully believedthat the Buccaneer would dwindle down to the mere shadow of his formerself.

  This oration met with general approval; for there were many who thoughtthat beer and beef produced good muscle, sound bodies, and healthy andcourageous minds; but a sickly smile played upon the features of theteetotallers and vegetarians, who pitied all those whose minds were somuch clouded by ignorance.

  Now a general cry rose up from amongst the traders against the buyers,who, it was said, were ruining trade by their co-operation, which, itwas declared, had taken all the gilt off their gingerbread. The strangepart of the thing was, that while the shop-keepers claimed the privilegeof combining together to fleece their customers they denied the latterthe right of combining together for their own protection. "How," theyasked, "were poor people to maintain their families, make a modestcompetence, and support their public burdens, if the consumerspatronized co-operative stores?" They all declared that in days,unhappily long since past, people lived quite as long as they did now,if not longer. This they considered a conclusive proof thatadulteration, if conducted upon the principles of moderation, was notdetrimental to the coatings of the human stomach, which, they said, wasbeing ruined by the extreme care that was being taken of it, untilindeed there was a good chance of that pampered and petted member rulingthe whole body in a most tyrannical manner. The stomach had been made todo certain work; then why relieve it of its responsibility?

  The tailors now advanced, and they also had their grievance; for theydeclared that the atmosphere was so impregnated with honesty that theircabbages were nothing like as fine as what they used to be; and theymade the same cry out against foreign competition. The shoemakers hadthe same tale to tell. Behind these came the handmaids to fashion andfolly, who declared that their field of operation was becoming more andmore contracted, not on account of any falling off in the vanity of thefemale sex, but on account of the cruel laws that had been passed toguard the husbands against the extravagance of their wives. All thisthey declared was extremely unjust and entirely against the interest oftrade.

  The honest Hodge family now came lumbering along, and each membercarried in his hands a halter of rope. The Buccaneer beheld them withamazement, for he feared they were going to take a leaf out of theOjabberaways' book and make a prisoner of the poor old Squire. He wasrelieved to find they had no such intention. The Hodge family were oneand all agriculturalists, but they declared that times were sadly out ofjoint with them. They said they wished to make a prisoner of no one; butthey each of them had been promised a cow and a bit of land, by agentleman they saw amongst the grand company, and they had brought thebit of rope to lead their beast back. "Hodge," cried the Buccaneer,"your bed may not be one of roses; but your condition has wonderfullyimproved. Your wages in the last fifty years have been doubled, and sohave your comforts. You ever have had the reputation of being an honestfellow, willing to earn by the sweat of your brow a living; keep in thesame track. Remember promises are made of pie crust, and take care, myhonest fellow, that designing people neither make a tool nor a fool ofyou." Hodge scratched his head to try by gentle irritation to conjureh
is brain into such a state of activity that he might understand thesituation, but he found no relief, and had to go away muttering tohimself that "summut must be wrong somewhere."

  A complete damper was now put upon the whole of the proceedings, by theappearance of a most melancholy and miserable-looking body of men. Ontheir faces woe, deep woe, sat enthroned, and their dress bore testimonyto the depth of their sorrow. This mournful section of the disaffectedcould scarcely speak for emotion. It was a deputation from theundertakers, who declared that unless something was done to revive andencourage their drooping trade, they would all have to throw themselvesupon the community by entering the work-house. They said their businesswas not what it had been or what it ought to be. Though perhaps they didnot suffer as much as other traders from foreign competition, peoplestill having sufficient respect for themselves to wish to be buried inhome-made coffins, yet the general depression, but more especially thatwhich bore so heavily upon their worthy friends, the publicans, bid fairto ruin them. Indeed, they saw little before them but their owntenantless coffins. Then they said that buryings had so fallen off thatlittle or no margin for profit was left, for not only had they decreasedin number, but also considerably in quality. People, they declared,seemed to take more care of themselves than they used to; eating less,and drinking less; consequently living longer. Then when they died theygenerally left behind them strictly economical and even niggardlyinstructions, and worse still, relations who were mean enough to carrythem out. They said all this was against the interests of trade, andought to be put a stop to. All hired grief, they declared, was a drugupon the market. The nodding funereal plumes were fast vanishing. Thepensive, sorrow-faced, and red-nosed mute, they declared, would soon bea being of the past, and would only live in the pages of history, unlesssome fresh life was put into him by more frequent deaths, and moredecent and expensive funerals. They said that the money now spent uponfloral decorations, which in a few hours were crushed under the earth,if they did not find their way to the grave-digger's cottage, would keepa mute in drink and his wife and family in bread for many weeks, andthey declared that such sinful waste ought to be put down by the strongarm of the law. It was a pity, they said, that such a hardness of hearthad seized upon the Buccaneer's people, for that now the circumstancesof the deceased could no longer be told by the funeral obsequies, andthat now many a great, and even rich man, went to his last resting-placewith no more pomp, than if he had been one of mean degree. A few widowsperhaps, whose hearts were stricken with remorse for the lives they hadled their husbands, and out of gratitude for the comfortablecircumstances they had been left in, still showed liberality, but thenumber, though respectable, was not more than sufficient to give a smallflicker to the dying lamp of their prosperity.

  With eyes brimful of tears, they declared that their old friends, thedoctors, were deserting them, for they did not now kill half the peoplethey used to, and there seemed to be a selfish desire on all sides tocheat the grave, and consequently to injure the undertakers.

  Then they declared that science was doing an infinity of harm by pokingits nose into every offensive smell it came across, by trapping drains,emptying, and forbidding cesspools, and finding sanitary preventions fornearly every disease. This, they declared, was violating one of theBuccaneer's most cherished principles, namely, the liberty of thesubject. They further said that their trade now, owing to the doctors,science, and the spread of education, which was an enemy to dirt anddrains, seldom, if ever, received a fillip from the friendly hand of anepidemic. As the absence of outdoor, and indoor, parish relief was anindex to the prosperity of the country, so they declared that thefalling off even in pauper funerals bore ample testimony to theirlanguishing trade.

  Thus ended this funeral oration, and it had such an effect upon theBuccaneer that what little spirits he commenced the day with hadcompletely vanished. It seemed to him that each hour brought before hima sadder picture, and he called for the captain of his watch, for hewanted to ask him how he could reconcile what he had said about thegeneral happiness, and prosperity of his people, with this long list ofdisaffection. But old Dogvane was not to be found. Some said he had onlyjust gone round the corner for a few minutes, while others said he wason duty on board of the old Ship of State.

  After a little consideration the Buccaneer made known to the undertakershow deeply he was grieved at their sad story, "But," he added, "in suchthings it is not well to act with indecent haste, lest some greaterinjury should be done. So grave do I consider the matter you havebrought before me that I promise you a Royal Commission."

  With voices quivering with emotion the undertakers thanked their augustmaster for his extreme consideration, and most gracious condescension,and they said they felt sure that if their case was only laid before aRoyal Commission it would certainly not be prejudiced by any undue, orindecent haste.

  But now there was a great commotion going on in the crowd, and two angrywomen were heard abusing each other like the proverbial fish-fags. Theone was called Fair Trade, the other Free Trade. These two had had aquarrel of long standing, and they never met that they did not exchangecompliments. Each carried baskets, in which were various articles ofmerchandise. They seemed now to have a strong inclination to tear eachother to pieces, and their shrill voices were heard for a considerabledistance, and forced themselves upon the ears of the grand company.

  "If I had my way," cried the one known as Fair Trade, "I would tear allthat cheap finery of yours off your back."

  "Yes," exclaimed the other, "and stick it upon your own. That costly,but sober looking homespun of yours needs something to set it off," sosaid Free Trade, who held up before the eyes of the people her cheapwares.

  "Buy my home-made loaf," cried Fair Trade.

  "Buy mine at half the price," cried Free Trade.

  "Better give me double for mine," exclaimed Fair Trade, "than deal withthat woman. She is bringing ruin upon us with her cheap trash. Throughher our cornfields lie fallow. Through her our industries languish, andsome even have passed away from us. Through her our country has beenfilled with idle hands, and the wolf of want has been brought to many adoor."

  "They don't seem to have settled their dispute yet, Jack," the Buccaneersaid.

  "No, sir. A few years since and nothing would do but you must lie theold bluff-bowed ship Protection up, and now some of them are alwayscasting longing eyes at her, and their sighs of regret would fill thesails of a Seventy-Four."

  "What!" cried the Buccaneer, in dismay, as he saw Poverty with her largefamily of ragged and half-starved children now come on to the scene."You here again. Why I am constantly doing something for you, and myGreat Hat is forever being sent round."

  "And still I want," said Poverty.

  "I have built you model dwellings. I have ordered all your drains to betrapped; your cesspools cleaned, and your dustbins emptied; and all yourchildren I insist upon being sent to school, so that they may learn theefficacy of comfort and cleanliness, and learn to bear with patiencetheir many sufferings."

  "But I ask for food," persisted Poverty.

  The Buccaneer now said, "I give you, my good woman, the very best of allfood, namely, food for the mind."

  But Poverty answered, "Why turn the lamp of knowledge into my hovel? Whyteach me that while others have plenty, I am in rags, cold, and hungry.Knowledge on an empty stomach is a dangerous thing. To open my eyes isthe refinement of cruelty, for ignorance, at least, dulls the edge ofmisery. If you cannot fill my stomach and patch up the rents in myclothes, then in pity kill me. Send me to a lethal chamber and let merevel for a brief moment in the luxury of one good meal, and let me passinto eternity without the pinching pangs of hunger."

  This language shocked every one, and the feeling was still moreincreased, when Pity, who was standing not far off weeping, said,"Mother, if you cannot feed this poor woman and her many children; ifyou have no room for them, then for my sake take them to thy bosom,close their eyes, and hush them to sleep in everlasting slumber."

/>   Poverty was chided in a gentle tone by the Buccaneer's High Churchdignitaries there assembled, and prayers were said for her, and she wastold that though she received stripes and lashes here, in the next worldshe would be rewarded, and she was bid to fix her gaze upon that regionwhich lies beyond the grave, where the bright star of Hope is forevershining, and where there is neither hunger, cold, nor thirst.

  Just as all sympathy was enlisted on the side of this poor woman acircumstance happened that changed the whole current of feeling.Suddenly a cry rose up of "Stop, thief." It was now found that while allinterests were centred upon Poverty, one of her children, seeing theopportunity, slipped round, and getting unobserved upon the platform,had crawled along, in a most irreverent manner, under the legs of theLords Spiritual, and being totally uninfluenced by the atmosphere ofsanctity in which he moved, the young rascal had slipped his hand intothe capacious pocket of the Buccaneer, and had taken therefrom ever somuch gold and silver, while the old coxswain was found to have lost hisbest silk bandana.

  This bold act of robbery caused a great commotion, and extremeindignation, and in trying to catch the thief, Poverty was entirelyforgotten, for, of course, crime in a community is a much more seriousthing than any amount of want, though one is frequently but theoffspring of the other.

  So indignant was the Buccaneer at this gross act of ingratitude, thatdirectly he regained his composure, he read Poverty a lecture and toldher she ought to be ashamed of herself, and that unless she took bettercare of her children they would be sure to fall into either the jailer'sor the hangman's hands. "No wonder," he said, "that misery darkens yourdoors, and hunger pinches your children's stomachs. Away with you," hecried, "and learn to be honest, thrifty, industrious, and sober, for Godalone helps those who help themselves."

  There was a twinkle in the old coxswain's eye. He was labouring, like aship in a gale of wind, under the influence of a joke. A joke is of sucha nature that the owner of it cannot keep it in. Like murder it willout. "Master," he said, "your doctrine is a little dangerous. You scoldPoverty one moment for what you bid her do the next."

  "How so?"

  "Why did not her young brat help himself to my bandana and to yoursuperfluous cash?"

  The expression on the Buccaneer's face at thus being trifled with, wassuch that old Jack, to make use of sea-faring language, bore away, andmixed amongst the crowd, just as another great hubbub arose from theregions of the disaffected. The grand court was broken up by Demos, whohaving collected as many as he could of the discontented had raised hisstandard again and was for enthroning King Mob in the Buccaneer's chairof State. With wild shouts and with flourishes of sticks and otherimprovised weapons, he came on and demanded a hearing, and many thoughtthere would be just such another to-do as when the old cox'sn sogallantly defended the gorge and regained possession of the Place ofDiscord.

  Demos now in the attitude more of a dictator than a supplicant, demandedof the Buccaneer that capital should be confiscated and divided amongstthe people. That luxury should be banished. That all should be made towork for a living and that the hours of labour should be defined,limited, and enforced by law. "By nature," he said, "all are equal, andin the sight of God there is no such thing as class distinction. Everyperson born is born to an inheritance, and that is a right to live."Demos declared that all property must be common, and all human dronesdestroyed. He raised the old cry of equality, which history and evennature has proved to be an impossibility.

  When the crowd heard the words of Demos there was a great shouting andclapping of hands. This comprehensive scheme somewhat frightened theupper layer of the Buccaneer's society; some of whom declared that Demoshad foreign blood in his veins; that he was an alien. But Demos criedout, "No alien am I. I am as much your child as those who sit enthronedin high places. They toil not, neither do they spin, but live by thelabour of other people. It is against the vampire capital, that I wagemy war. That bloodsucker, which feeds upon the industries of your poorerchildren, who have built up for you your present greatness by the sweatof their brows and by the blood of their bodies."

  "And would you, my lad, from sheer envy and hatred," cried theBuccaneer, "pull down in one day what it has taken me so many years oftoil to build up? From what babbling brook have you drunk in yourprinciples?"

  "From no babbling brook," Demos exclaimed, "but from that deep springwhich has been handed down to us from ages past. Did not the GreatMaster, whom yonder old Church Hulk professes to follow, teach us thatall men before God are equal, and that all property should be held incommon."

  Here the High Priest of the Buccaneer rose up and said, "Our GreatMaster never, by either word or deed taught, or even sanctioned,robbery. On the contrary, He enjoined every man to be contented withthat which he had; not to covet other men's goods. He said, give, butnever take. But you are not the first who has tried to distort theScriptures to serve your own selfish ends."

  "Is it not written," said Demos, "him that taketh thy cloak forbid notto take thy coat also?"

  "That neither sanctions nor justifies the confiscation," replied theHigh Priest. "Is it not also written that the things belonging to Caesarshall be given to Caesar?"

  "But who is Caesar?" cried Demos. "I am no longer a boy now, to be pettedand cajoled, and to be bought over by sweetmeats or a piece of cake. Ihave a freeman's limbs, give me then a freeman's rights."

  It is not to be supposed that on so great an occasion the Buccaneer'sold coxswain, Jack Commonsense, was going to remain silent, so he said,as he shoved himself to the front, for he had lost his place in theconfusion brought about by the act of robbery on the part of one ofPoverty's children. "Master!" he cried, "I am on in this scene. Whatrights, my lad," he said addressing Demos, "do you claim that you havenot got, except the right of putting your hands into other people'spockets; just because your own happen to be empty or not too full? Thisis a robbing of Peter to pay Paul, with a vengeance."

  "Who are you," said Demos, "that you should make yourself a judge overus?"

  "Who am I?" quoth the coxswain. "Who am I, forsooth! It is a pity, mylad, you should have to ask the question; but there; memories the likeso' yours are always short; who am I, indeed! why I am Jack Commonsense,very much at your service, my lad, and cox'sn to the honest rover."Suddenly correcting himself, he said, as he lifted his tarpaulin intoken of respect, "that is to say, Sea King, that ever ploughed thebriny ocean. I have stood by my master, my lad, in fair weather and infoul, and when the stormy winds have blown, and the dark rocks andsavage cliffs of danger have been upon our lee, oftentimes I have seizedthe helm and steered my master clear, and damme, if I will desert himnow. Now listen, my lad, and all you whom it may concern, while I spinyou a yarn that I picked up on the Spanish Main, ages ago. We picked upmany things there, master, did we not? Dubloons and other treasures. Buthere's my yarn. Once upon a time, a man had five sons, and when he wasdying he called them round him, and gave to each a fair share of hisproperty, and told them to act to each other as he had acted towardsthem, and to have all things in common amongst themselves. But one, mylad, so the story goes, d'ye see, was a spendthrift, another was a winebibber, while another was a glutton; the fourth was a seeker afterpleasure, while the fifth was a hard working industrious and sober man.The four first named would do anything but work, and they each gave awaytheir birthright to the fifth; the one for this thing, according to hiswant, the other for that, until at length the fifth son had possessionof the whole patrimony; would you, my lad, were you in his place,divide, and go on dividing amongst your ne'er-do-well brothers to alleternity? Not you, or you are a greater fool than I take you to be.Where then is your community of property? Then as to your equality. Thatwon't wash, my mates. There is no such thing as equality, for one isstrong, another weak; one is swift of foot, another slow, while one hasmore brains than another. Why the hides of asses ain't all of athickness, and the stick that reaches one, won't touch another; but letthat fly stick to the wall, even among thieves and such like vermin,there is
no equality, the strongest always getting the lion's share.Take all our master has, and lay it out before you; feast your eyes uponit; gloat over it, and then begin to divide it equally amongstyourselves, and you will be at each other's throats before you knowwhere you are; so much for your brotherly love. Then, my mates, beforeyou commence pulling down, you ought to decide upon what sort of acommonplace hovel you are going to build up. But the first thing youought to do, is to turn out all the blackguards belonging to ourneighbours, for we have enough of our own, and whatever right you thinkyou may have to other people's property, foreign rapscallions can havenone, and if you allow them to cry shares, you will be robbing your ownhonest selves. Trade will languish and die out, for there will be nosecurity for earnings, and no emulation. Ambition, that mighty lever tohuman actions, will succumb. Farewell too, to art; and science evenwill flag for want of nourishment. As luxury is to be banished in ourearthly paradise, all carriages will be put down, and all the handsemployed in connection with them, will be thrown upon the market. Thehorses will have to be turned out to grass, and live a life of indolentease, until they vanish from the land or are turned to a different use,for nature has decreed that nothing useless shall last. The vanities andeven the luxuries of the rich furnish thousands of deserving mouths withtheir daily food; but all this will have to be stopped, and God aloneknows who will benefit. Then I suppose you will occupy the palaces ofthe rich, as long as they stand, by people of one common level of socialstanding, and we shall sink into a nation of flats. Let that fly alsostick to the wall. Then as no new mansions will be built, for want ofwealth, the builders' trade will suffer, and more idle hands will bethrown on the community. Enterprise will die and one trade after anotherwill go, and then farewell to all. The great Sea King upon whose vastempire the sun never sets; the mighty trader, the great pioneer ofcivilisation; he whose footprints are to be seen in every part of theuniverse will sink, unremembered unrespected, and unregretted into thesilent tomb of the past and some stronger, and wiser people will takehis place.

  "Master!" cried the cox'sn turning to the bold Buccaneer, who listenedwith wonder to old Jack's long-winded harangue. "Master!" he cried,"this Demos is but a boy amongst us yet; he is a young colt that must beneatly bitted and ridden on the curb, or he will of a surety bolt andfling his rider into the ditch as his forebears have done before him."

  Just as things were looking at their worst, the sound of music came overthe water from the old Ship of State. It was Pepper, the cheery littlecook, the foster father of Demos, playing a tune upon his barrel organ.The strains had a mellowing and soothing influence upon the wholecompany, and so what at one time bid fair to take a serious turn passedoff quietly, and so ends the longest if not the dullest chapter in thiseventful history.