The Monster Hunters

  Franks had gone incognito. After the first day, I had pointed out that if he was supposedly some sort of liaison, he probably wouldn’t be wandering around wearing his full suit of armor, with his assault rifle slung on his back, and what looked like about fifty pounds of ancillary gear. Apparently, he had agreed. So now Franks was in his other uniform, a cheap black suit, with a black clip-on tie, and a white dress shirt that had never been intended to be buttoned around a neck as thick as his. I had spotted him carrying at least two full-size Glocks, and I was guessing he had a grenade in each coat pocket, but for Franks, that was real low profile.

  “Mornin’, Sunshine,” I said sarcastically, inwardly wishing that he would just go away.

  He glowered for a moment, apparently impatient that nothing had tried to murder me yet. He adjusted the grenades in his pockets, checked his clip-on, and stood. As usual, Franks didn’t have much to say. I started for the cafeteria, Franks trailing sullenly a few feet behind.

  Today was going to be much like yesterday. After breakfast, I needed to catch up on paperwork, then I was supposed to run the range and teach the Newbies how to shoot better—hopefully at the targets and not at each other by accident, which got harder to do as the exercises got more complicated. Esmeralda had me doing that for most of the day.

  “Any new intel from your people?” I asked Agent Franks over breakfast. We were alone in the large cafeteria. The Newbie class was out on their run, and Harbinger’s team were mostly still working on the jobs he had assigned to them. I knew that Trip, Holly, and Milo had road-tripped it to Corinth yesterday to shake down the elves at the Enchanted Forest Trailer Park. Lucky them.

  “No,” he said sullenly over a mouthful of bacon. Franks chewed with his mouth open. Loudly.

  “Any idea when this cult might make their move?”

  “No.”

  “Think they’re scared because I’m here?”

  He shrugged.

  “Anything interesting happen last night?”

  “No.”

  Being by nature the kind of person who is uncomfortable with long silences, I kept trying. “If we’re going to be hanging out, we might as well get to know each other some. I’ve known you for a while now.” I didn’t need to mention that our first meeting had been with him pointing a gun at my head, and our second had involved him beating the ever-living hell out of me. “And I don’t even know what your first name is.”

  He didn’t respond for a long time. “Agent.”

  So much for being friendly. “So, Agent, got any hobbies? Chia Pet farm? Collect Pokemon cards?”

  I could feel the disdain. The power-lifter veins in his forehead bulged slightly as I annoyed him. “No.”

  That was pretty much the same as every other conversation I’d had with Franks. Apparently the government had not issued him a personality. The man was a hulking, violent, silent enigma. I sighed, and went back to the routine.

  My office was on the top floor. I suppose that it was technically the Monster Hunter International Finance Department, but that seemed a bit pretentious a title for just me and a computer with Quickbooks Pro installed on it. I guess that I was the interim finance department, since I’d finally talked Earl into hiring a full-time bookkeeper, but I’d been too busy to follow up on it, so in the meantime, it was all me.

  The accounting for MHI wasn’t nearly as complicated as my old job. I managed to mostly keep everything up to date between missions. Before I’d come on it had been a real mess. Apparently killing and math were mutually exclusive skill sets for most people, but I’d gotten the books cleaned up. I’d steered us through an IRS audit a few months ago and that had been almost as hard as defeating Lord Machado.

  The books were rough. I wasn’t exactly proud of the General Ledger, but that was the beauty of being a privately held company. There were no shareholders to make happy and none of that awful SarbOx nonsense that big corporations had to deal with. Most of our money came from PUFF and they always paid on time. The hardest part was trying to track the expenses, since the various teams threw bags of money around in the course of completing their missions, and all of them were better at destruction than reliably e-mailing me their expense reports.

  The stack of invoices had grown fat since I’d left for Mexico. As usual, the other Hunters couldn’t be bothered to file anything correctly, and it all tended to just get dumped into one big pile right in the middle of my desk. This was going to take forever to book. The top sheet was labeled Project Leviathan in red Sharpie. “Crap, Milo, ten thousand dollars for custom-machined harpoons? How many of those things do you need?” I muttered as I tossed the invoice aside. I had one expense account titled “Milo.” It was filled with weird items.

  Groaning, I flipped through the stack. My heart just wasn’t in it today. I was too preoccupied with a death cult to get any work done. In my heart, I knew I should be out there, doing something useful. There were some framed pictures on my desk: me and Julie after hiking to the top of Mt. Cheaha together, the Amazing Newbie Squad posed with Friendly Fernando when we’d gone back to visit DeSoya Caverns as tourists rather than exterminators, and the only picture I had of Mordechai Byreika.

  It was the black-and-white photo that Lee had found last summer from Mordechai’s old journal, with the Hunter posed in front of something giant, scaled, and dead. I picked it up and sighed. It wasn’t that I missed having a cryptic ghost hanging out inside my brain, but Mordechai would have known what to do. He’d always had the right answers, even when he was keeping them from me for my own protection. He couldn’t have told me what to do, because I would’ve rushed to do it, and inadvertently opened the gate in the process. It had been a fine line to walk, but he’d been wise, careful, and thoughtful, all things that I sucked at. Mordechai died decades before I had been born, but he would always be my mentor.

  “I wish you were around, Old Man,” I said. “I could use some good advice right about now. . . .” I didn’t want to be special, but as Mordechai had said, I’d drawn the universe’s short straw and been the one to decide the fate of worlds. Now I was paying for it.

  I put the picture down and glared at the stack of invoices.

  Screw it. The paperwork could wait.

  At least I got paid to shoot, which, as a lifelong gun nut, is kind of a dream come true. From ten until noon I worked on marksmanship and manipulation with the Newbies. At this point they had already been here for two months, and this was the final week of training, so the dumb and dangerous had long since been rooted out and sent home with fat severance checks.

  The remaining Newbies were pretty sharp. As usual, all of them were themselves survivors of brutal supernatural attacks. This particular class had a soldier who’d taken out an Akkadian storm beast in Iraq; a cabby who’d given a ride to a vampire (not only had it tried to eat him, it had been a lousy tipper); two brothers whose foundation business, Haight Brothers Construction, had unearthed a skinwalker; an archeologist who discovered that some things were best left undiscovered; and even a kid just out of high school who’d had a blood fiend climb in the drive-through window at the Arby’s he’d been working at. And yes, it turns out that you can actually kill a blood fiend by shoving its face into the fry cooker and holding it there until it quits kicking.

  I’d been tasked with helping on the range, but I had to admit that most of the Newbies were already proficient shots. One of Esmeralda’s guys, a fellow hardcore shooter named Cooper, had done a good job getting them up to speed. But Cooper was primarily an explosives guy, a rifleman second, and I was able to contribute quite a bit of knowledge to teaching the Newbies how to improve with the shotguns and pistols. Not meaning to boast, but as far as I knew, nobody at MHI was as good as I was with a shotgun. Being good at something and being a good teacher were not necessarily the same thing, and I could only hope that I would do half as good a job as Sam Haven had done for my Newbie class. Now, he had been one hell of a great instructor.

  Grant was working with those c
hosen to be the sharpshooters. I hated to admit it, but he did know more about long-range precision shooting than I did—though in my opinion, he was a perfect example of a knowledgeable but lousy teacher, but then again, I was biased.

  This was the largest Newbie class that had ever gone through training, and under Esmeralda’s patient tutelage, it was also looking like it was going to have the highest graduation rate. She had better be careful. If she did too good a job, Earl would probably try to draft her to run every training class, and I doubted any of the experienced Hunters would want that as a full-time gig.

  I walked back and forth behind the firing line of Hunters. I had approximately half of them today. Each Newbie was paired up, with one serving as coach and the other shooting. Today I was drilling them on transitions, running their primary long gun dry, then slinging it quickly to draw their pistols. Most of them were actually looking pretty damn good. Franks’ Goon Squad had integrated seamlessly into the class. I had to hand it to the MCB agents. They were professionals. As far as the other Newbies and Esmeralda’s team knew, they had been part of the last Newbie class but had pulled out early due to various training injuries. That also explained their above-average skills and knowledge. Watching them on the range, I learned that Torres was damn good, Archer was well-trained and methodical, and Herzog was decently proficient, but made up for it with maliciousness.

  My protective detail hadn’t liked me walking around a bunch of potential Condition assassins with guns, but I still thought they were full of crap. The undercover agents kept glancing my way, waiting for something terrible to happen. Sadly for them, nothing did. After transitions, shooting on the move, and shooting from various cover positions, we took a break to hydrate, snack, and reload magazines before moving onto the next series of more complicated exercises. Grant immediately began to tell most of the willing-to-listen about some story where he was the hero. He had lots of those. There was a tin roof set up for shade over the firing line, and I plopped down onto a concrete bench to suck down a Gatorade, seeking solitude away from the Newbies for a moment. Even spring in Alabama is hot when you’re standing in the sun carrying a full combat load and wearing a Kevlar suit. My shadow, Franks, wandered off momentarily to answer a phone call.

  One young woman broke away from the crowd and approached. She had to have been one of the youngest in the class, an attractive girl in a bouncy cheerleader kind of way, blonde and perky. “Mind if I sit here?”

  “Sure,” I gestured at the bench across from me. She flopped down, armor pouches banging. I noted Torres, Archer, and Herzog scanning her for threats and assessing if they needed to come over and protect me. I shook my head slightly. The agents went back to their snacks.

  The Newbie held out a granola bar. “Want one?”

  “No thanks.” I mentally ran down the roll call of names. I had always sucked with remembering names. “Dawn, right?”

  “Yeah,” she smiled, then looked around to see if anyone else was listening. “Do you mind if I pick your brain for a second?” She had a cute Texas accent. I knew that one well from having lived in Dallas. I’d struck out with a lot of girls who sounded like that.

  “Brain-picking. That’s what I’m here for,” I answered. I was, after all, supposed to be the experienced role model. “What can I do for you?”

  She looked around to see if anyone was listening. I noted that a couple of other Newbies were watching, like they had dared her to come over here. Dawn leaned in conspiratorially. “You’re the guy that destroyed Lord Machado last year, right?”

  It wasn’t exactly a secret, but it wasn’t something I liked to talk about. Way too many things had occurred that night that I preferred to keep secret. “Where’d you hear about that?”

  “Are you kidding?” She laughed. “Esmeralda told us about it during monster-lore class yesterday. That fight was the biggest bounty ever collected in MHI history! And you were the primary on the PUFF. One Master vamp by yourself, assists on a couple of others, and a solo takedown of a one-of-a-kind mega-bounty monster.”

  That was all true, and I had made serious bank off that particular mission, but I hadn’t realized that it granted me celebrity status. “Yeah, that was me, but it was all a team effort. I was just in the right place at the right time.”

  “I knew it. I bet you made millions.”

  “Something like that.” It had been a considerable chunk of money. I had actually donated most of my personal earnings from DeSoya Caverns to the families of the Hunters who had died there, not that I spread that fact around. It had just seemed like the right thing to do. I’d still made a ton. “It was a tough case.”

  “Wow,” she batted her big blue eyes at me. “That is so hot!”

  I had been taking a swig of Gatorade and nearly choked on imitation grape. “Excuse me?” I coughed.

  “Oh, sorry.” The way she looked at me said that she was anything but sorry. “I just love this stuff. You know, we should like totally hook up later and you could tell me all about it. I’d love to hear the story firsthand. Maybe over drinks or something.”

  As a man who’d spent most of his life ignored by pretty girls, it took me a moment to realize that she was actually coming on to me. It took my higher brain functions a few seconds to compose a response. “Uh, sorry, Dawn. I’m going to be really busy for a while. See, Agent Franks is here as a . . . goodwill ambassador . . . and I’ve got to stay with him.” I casually pulled my shooting gloves off in the hopes that she would see my ring.

  She saw it. “So, you’re married, huh?”

  “Engaged.”

  That didn’t deter her either. “No biggie. I was engaged once, but he got decapitated by fish-men. Long story, but that’s how I ended up here. You ever see what happens when you shove a humanoid fish monster into a propeller?” She gave me a smile that would best be described as flirty. “I’ll have to tell you about it sometime. Maybe we can talk again.” She got off the bench. Somehow females still managed to make body armor look good. “See ya later.”

  Dawn went back to a knot of Newbies. One of the other women giggled at whatever she’d said. What the hell was this, MH Junior High? I shook my head and went back to my drink. Of course, when you’re single, pretty girls won’t talk to you, but when you’re in a relationship . . . bam, they come out of the woodwork. Fed business completed, Franks rejoined me. He looked down, saw the look of consternation on my face and shrugged.

  After hours of yelling at Newbies and shooting cardboard targets shaped like various monsters, I grabbed lunch for two, ditched Franks at the agreed-upon base of the stairs, and met Julie in her office.

  My fiancée’s office suited her personality. One part order, one part chaos, but the chaos was a work in progress. She had painted the walls a kind of seafoam color, had hung up several nice paintings, decorated everything else, and then promptly buried it all in paperwork and MHI-issue equipment. She had a couple potted plants with flowers that she could rattle off by their Latin names (they all looked the same to me, and bothered my allergies, but I would never tell her that). There was a bulletin board behind her full of photos of friends and family, including a couple of me mugging stupidly for the camera. Her desk was covered in papers, and there were a few piles of strategic paper on the floor, stacked on top of the filing cabinets and in the corners.

  The problem is that this kind of work never really stops accumulating. Julie is in this for the love of Hunting, so when there’s a job to do, that comes first. But as the designated heir to the family business, she still has to pay attention to the day-to-day crap that all businessmen do. She also has a really difficult time delegating.

  As an experienced financial-type professional, I managed to help her out quite a bit between missions, but MHI really needed more full-time office staff. The plan was to wait for some really smart Newbies that we didn’t trust enough to go on teams, but we were so short-handed in the field that our standards were low in that regard.

  “What’s up, sexy,” I
said as I entered.

  Julie held up one hand to shush me. She was listening to someone on the phone. I set her lunch down on top of the pile of quotes, bids, invoices, reports, and a worn copy of a Jane Austen novel. Even Julie takes breaks now and then. She grabbed a pad of paper, pulled a pen out from behind one ear, and started making notes. “Yes . . . rubbery. Green . . . eight feet tall. Yes, sir. I know exactly what those are, and yes, we can handle them.”

  I pulled up a chair and flopped into it, still smelling of gunpowder and oil. It sounded like we got another job. Sweet. Business was hopping, and even if this was in a different team’s area, the whole company still shared in the bounties. The last year had been record-breaking, but that had been due to the abnormally high rate of monster activity, not to mention the absurdly large PUFF bounties we had been paid after the Lord Machado case.

  Julie was still talking. “No. No, sir. Do not, I repeat, do not approach them. . . . Why?” She rolled her eyes as the person on the other end of the line asked something incredibly stupid. “Because they will eat you. . . . Yes. Eat you.” She paused to cover the phone’s receiver and said to me, “What is it with these people who want to reason with monsters? Morons.”

  “I blame it on Twilight.” In real life, vampires only sparkle when they’re on fire.

  Julie went back to her call. “Okay, we’ll have a team there in . . .” She glanced at her watch, and since she didn’t have to call somewhere else to check on that team’s readiness, I had to assume that it was our team’s gig. “Three hours.”

  The person on the other end of the line freaked out at that. Julie drummed her fingers on her desk while she waited for the tirade to end. I had seen the same mannerism recently from her mother, but where Susan’s nails were pointy and red, Julie’s nails were kept short so they wouldn’t interfere with her shooting. “Sir, listen. They’ll still be there. As long as you don’t approach them, or bother them, or look at them funny, they shouldn’t attack. We’ll expect the down payment to be in our account by the time we arrive on scene. Don’t let anyone near that property in the meantime. Yes, thank you. Have a nice day.” She hung up the phone. “Or as nice a day as you can have when you’ve got a troll infestation.”