Back to You

  “Not even, sport. We’ve got miles to go before we’re in that neighborhood. Kensey keeps getting up. I’m going to take a shower so I need you to put her butt back in bed when she gets up next.”

  “Oh. Okay. Sure.”

  She turned, leaving him to his fate and then came back. “Can I give you a tip about this thing with Kensey?”

  He cocked his head. “What thing?”

  He was so adorably clueless.

  “She doesn’t want to go to sleep. She wants to talk and play. Don’t let her con you. Be firm. Put her back in bed over and over and she’ll quit it.”

  “Did she have a bad dream?” He leaned in very close. “Do you think she senses something between us and is acting out? See? We should tell them.”

  “Two separate issues. You and I will discuss telling the girls later on tonight. As for why Kensey is getting up a lot after she’s supposed to be in bed? She’s nine. That’s what they do. Like Maddie’s little snit earlier.”

  He looked sad so she took pity on him, brushing her fingers through his hair. “It’s a good thing. Before they acted up in a different way. I call them company manners.” She shrugged. “Now they get bratty around you. Also what they do. But they trust you to be themselves, bratty and all.”

  “Oh.” She got the feeling he’d been waiting for something negative, but the smile he gave made her happy. He kissed her quickly. “Thank you for that.”

  “You’re welcome. Now, like I said, I’m going to shower and you’re on Kensey duty. She’ll be up in the next ten minutes or so. Next up I’m going to guess she’ll pester Maddie. Or have to go to the bathroom. She already has, by the way. Stay strong.”

  “When can I come to you?” He closed the distance remaining between them in one step. The heat of his skin dizzied her and she breathed him in.

  “You’ll know she’s finally asleep after about half an hour or so after the last whatever it is she does.” She took a step back and headed out.

  By the time she’d walked into her bedroom she heard Kensey get up.

  “What’s up, sweetheart?” Vaughan called out and Kelly let herself leave their daughter in his hands.

  * * *

  SHE DID MOST of her best thinking in the shower and that night was no different. Kelly knew he was trying. Knew he hadn’t thought of the issue with Maddie earlier in the same way she had.

  She needed to cut him some slack. He was trying, which was what he’d promised. It wasn’t so much that she was angry. More likely a trigger put there by being raised as a commodity instead of a person.

  It wasn’t really like you could untangle what stuff you had for a good reason and what stuff you had because of your damage, not when the outcome was something like raising your kids into responsible, whole adults.

  It unsettled her to think of them being teenagers without a moral center. When you didn’t, you could make not only bad choices, which everyone made, but also the kinds of choices and decisions that could mess a life up for years.

  Ugh. Impossible to not see how much that was because she was thrust into a very adult world when she was only a little older than Maddie. It was sheer luck and the fact that other adults in that world had protected her instead of harming her that she’d gotten through it without the horror stories so many who started young in the fashion industry had.

  She got out of the shower and as she brushed her teeth, put on lotion and got into some clothes, she thought about the way Vaughan had listened to her that night.

  Before, he hadn’t really looked at her with that much attention when it wasn’t sex or something fun. He’d been too focused on being carefree to want to talk about anything heavy.

  Another comparison, she realized, she’d made between how Vaughan was before and how he was now.

  It made a difference that he’d changed.

  * * *

  “I FIND MYSELF thinking about you in terms of before and now,” she announced to Vaughan as he came into her room half an hour later.

  He started and then looked her way, a little wary.

  But she wasn’t mad so he got that sexy look, well, one of his approximately four thousand sexy faces, the one he wore when he knew he was going to sex her into a puddle of goo. One of her favorites.

  But one that tended to make her forget everything, including things they really needed to talk about.

  Not that she stopped him from sliding his arms around her and kissing her. She sighed, opening to him, tasting him. This connection between them sizzled and popped.

  His tongue teased into her mouth and then retreated as the edge of his teeth slid over her bottom lip when he broke away.

  “Now. Tell me about this before-and-now thing.”

  They got into her bed, still wearing clothes, legs crossed and facing one another. They’d moved from her sitting area to the bed days ago and hadn’t bothered to go back.

  “I was in the shower and thinking about you.”

  “Yeah? Did you masturbate while you did? And if not, that’s something I’d very much like to be in on if you choose to do so at another date. Or in five minutes.”

  Kelly couldn’t stop her snort of laughter. “Stop. I was thinking about earlier tonight with Maddie and how when I told you why I disagreed with you, I had all your focus. You really listened to me. You thought about what I was saying and I felt respected.”

  That had meant a lot because sometimes with Ross she got the definite feeling he thought she was too lax with the girls.

  His teasing grin shifted as tenderness replaced it. “I do respect you.”

  “Before, I don’t know that you did.”

  He propelled from the mattress and started to pace. “That’s not fair.”

  “I’m sorry.” She shook her head, catching herself before she continued to apologize for speaking truly and honestly. “No, no, I’m not sorry for saying it, or for thinking it. That’s the whole before-and-now distinction I was just making. Or trying.”

  He sighed, moving back to his place across from her.

  “You and I have always had this deep physical and chemical attraction and connection. But before, you wouldn’t have noticed I was upset earlier. You wouldn’t have asked why. I probably wouldn’t have contradicted you anyway. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing, but that’s an entirely different conversation.”

  “But it’s not entirely different. It’s connected, don’t you think?”

  “What I think is that when we were married this entire conversation never would have happened. Because while we have amazing sex, we haven’t been equals. I never insisted on it and you never made any real effort to pursue it.”

  “I’ve always respected you.”

  “If you could stop arguing with me for like five seconds I could pay you the fucking compliment I’ve been trying to pay you for the last ten minutes,” she said, not feeling very complimentary.

  He shut up.

  “You came into this house and you said you’d changed and wanted me and the girls back. Tonight you showed me how much you’ve changed. And how much I’ve changed, too. You asked how we were doing, and I think I can say pretty good. Though you’re very argumentative.”

  He leaned over to steal a kiss and settled again. “I had a lot of growing up to do. I’m trying. Thanks for noticing. How does this before-and-now thing work exactly? Outweighing the bad with the good?”

  “Sort of, maybe? Let me back up a bit. Okay, so when I went to Hood River last week to see Tuesday, she and I had this conversation. Sort of about you and Ezra, sort of general.” Kelly didn’t want to reveal anything overly personal that Tuesday had told her, but the general stuff was important anyway.

  “I’m not so much bothered by forgiveness. I forgive you. We had something and it broke apart. You weren’t ready.” She shrugged.
br />   “Neither were you! You’re the one who filed for divorce. I have my faults but you can’t pretend you had no fault in this at all,” Vaughan said quietly.

  “Oh, eat a bag of dicks, Vaughan Hurley. If you think I’m pretending that I don’t have flaws, you don’t know me at all. Stop projecting your failures onto me.” Kelly took a deep breath. “The moment they put Maddie on my chest I was ready. Before that? Hell no. I had no idea. But having her changed something fundamental and important in me. I wanted that. I wanted babies and a family. I wanted to give my kids better than what I’d had. And I’ve made mistakes because of that. But I was absolutely ready to have a family with you. We weren’t enough for you.”

  The pain of that was something she thought she’d put away.

  “I don’t think our breakup was all you. Though fuck off if you think you don’t hold ninety percent. I won’t own your mistakes and if that’s what you think trying to make yourself a place in our family means, you need to move out once Maddie is completely recovered.”

  He winced, but he didn’t argue.

  “My biggest mistake—looking back now—was being willfully blind to the fact that you weren’t ready. We’d been all high on baby talk after you’d been away and I let myself believe you’d settle down after we had two kids and a home. I got pregnant with Kensey but I knew in my heart you didn’t want what I wanted.”

  “I don’t regret our daughters.”

  “I don’t think you do. How could you? They’re perfect and ours. But you weren’t ready to be a husband and a full-time father. And I was one of those women who had another baby to save the marriage that then broke up because nothing adds stress like a newborn and a toddler in a home.”

  She laughed because it had been like a fever dream, those first years. “You know what, though? I did it. I had a crappy upbringing and I’m determined not to let any of that touch them. I finished my degree and started my boutiques and businesses and I can support myself and my kids into the future. I was spineless before. And you were selfish. Now neither of us are those things.”

  Kelly paused, sucking in breath like she’d been under water and had surfaced. Her heart thundered in her chest as she realized the power of what she’d just set free.

  She’d trusted him to say all that. To be angry at him and not have him walk away or deny what was real. She deserved him to own his mistakes so they could move forward. This was one of those make-or-break moments and no matter what happened, the knowing of it, the way she understood her culpability and more importantly, how far she’d come seemed to have lifted a huge weight off her as well as sent her reeling.

  And then she burst into tears.

  * * *

  VAUGHAN, UTTERLY SHOCKED to see her crying, was struck still for long moments. He’d seen her cry, but never like this.

  “I don’t know what to do,” he admitted, and her teary words quickly became unintelligible as she started to laugh at the same time.

  She grabbed the hem of his shirt and blotted her face with it and before long he was laughing, too, pulling her into a hug.

  “You snotted up my shirt!” He kissed her temple.

  “I did not. But I will when I do get snotty for real. So there.”

  “Are you mad at me? Or sad or...? This is one of those before-and-now moments. God, are we going to use that phrase a lot? Because it’s weird.”

  “Was there a point somewhere in this monologue?” Kelly asked, her dry sense of humor returning.

  “You’re very snotty now. Not at the nose, but in the attitude.”

  “Am not.” She smirked. “You just can’t handle a Kelly who doesn’t say she’s sorry anytime anyone gets upset for any reason.”

  He set her back. “I want to be facing you for this. Also you’re giving me a hard-on when you sit on my lap. That’d be rude.”

  “Wouldn’t want that.”

  He flipped her off. “Okay, so snotty is a bad word. Saucy? But—” he shrugged “—maybe there’s some truth to my being set off balance when you push back. The Kelly I was married to apologized more. Smoothed the way between us a lot more than I did. The woman you are now doesn’t. You’ve never used tears to manipulate anyone, so the way you just cried startled me. It’s not like I’ve never seen you cry.”

  “Show business people,” she said as she rolled her eyes. An inside joke. Kelly’s mother used to say those words with so much envy and rage in them anytime Kelly was overly emotional in any way.

  “I still really hate your mother.”

  Kelly shrugged. “There’s a national registry somewhere you can sign up I’m sure. You won’t even be in the top hundred, though. The tears were like one of those moments when you feel multiple things and some of them even conflict, but you feel it all so much and so hard you panic and burst into tears. Like that.”

  He nodded. The first night of the tour they’d just ended he’d had a gut-wrenching crying jag in the shower after the show. It had hit him, the elation of being out on the road and doing so well, their album selling far beyond what they’d expected and the thought that he was finally losing Kelly.

  “I understand.”

  “To circle back, I don’t have a checklist. I don’t know when I won’t have some worry because of something that happened before. I just know that I worry less about it today than I did yesterday.”

  He grinned. “Can we tell them?”

  “You’re like a kid at Christmas, Vaughan.”

  Laughing, he rolled her to the mattress, ending up on top. “I want to unwrap you every single day.”

  He wanted everyone to know they were together. That was the next step in this process and he craved it. Craved her trust to allow him back in that much more.

  “You’re using your charm on me.”

  He grinned, letting her have his full dimple. Yes, he knew she was helpless when he got very charming. But it was genuine. He kissed her, teasing little nips and licks.

  “I am. Is it working?”

  She burst out laughing. “What am I getting myself into?”

  “Too late. You already let me see your boobs and now you’ll never get rid of me.” He stopped teasing. “I love you, Kel. I made mistakes. I’m sorry I hurt you and I fucked things up, but I’m here with you and that’s where I want to be. Where I’m supposed to be.”

  She breathed out. “All right. But we don’t need to announce it. Let’s just continue to go slow and they’ll see it when they’re ready.”

  “Does that mean I can sleep in here with you so I can pounce on you when we wake up?”

  “I get up at five to exercise. If you wake me before that, I’ll cut you.”

  “Oooh. Yes, new Kelly makes me even hotter than old Kelly.” He nibbled on her earlobe until she wrapped her calves around him, her fingers tunneling through his hair.

  “Can I tell my family, too?”

  “Why did you go and do that?” She pulled his hair.

  He started laughing. “Ouch! Give them a chance.”

  “I can say the same of them.”

  That was something else he had to deal with. There was no way he wanted to have his wife—and that was the end goal here, to get her back all the way—ostracized by the Hurleys.

  But before he could say any of that, she left a trail of hot, openmouthed kisses up his neck, undulating her hips, grinding against his cock until he stuttered a groan.

  “Don’t think I’m unaware you’re using your body to change the subject,” he whispered as he grazed his teeth over the shell of her ear, using his weight more fully to hold her in place.

  Her answering gasp and the heat from her pussy told him she liked it as much as he did.

  “Is it working?” She turned his earlier answer back at him.

  One-handed, he managed to get his shirt up and of
f. “Always. But we’ll be back to the Hurley topic later on.”

  “You have to make me come an extra time for making me talk about your family during sex.”

  There was something joyous about sex with Kelly that they hadn’t shared before. He loved it, though. It made a difference. Added a layer of emotion they’d needed before but hadn’t known it.

  “Not like I’d argue with that any day, anywhere, anytime.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead and stretched his muscles. Kelly’s hands roamed over his bared skin, her nails digging in, urging him.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  KELLY WAS GOING to lose her mind over that thing he was doing with his tongue. This thought was one of the few coherent ones she’d had since he’d turned up the heat and she’d been busily melting into goo.

  “Momma, whoa!”

  The sound of a door hitting the wall called Kelly’s attention to Maddie standing there with Kensey.

  “Daddy’s naked in your bed! Are you making a baby right now?” Kensey, apparently totally unaffected by this, bounded up onto the bed, Maddie on her heels.

  “Nope! Not naked. Wearing pants.” The panic in Vaughan’s voice brought a laugh up from her belly.

  “Kensey’s singing in her room at the top of her lungs. I can’t sleep and she knows it and she won’t shut up.”

  Maddie had to say that first. Even though she was clearly surprised and as curious as Kensey she had to complain about her sister or explode. It made Kelly start laughing.

  With a groan—of pain it sounded like—Vaughan moved off her, though he remained on his stomach. Kensey hopped on his back, chattering like a monkey about why it was important to sing when one was moved to do so.

  The absurdity of it kept her laughing so hard, tears came from her eyes. Both girls were in bed by that point, asking Vaughan questions and laughing at the way their mom was giggling like a loon.

  “You done yet?” Vaughan asked, amused.

  “I’m sorry. Oh, goodness.” Kelly wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and got the last of the aftershock giggles dealt with before she sat up, a pillow in her lap, and looked at her children.