Fearless Fourteen

  You could be the Mega Mage of wizards. You could rule Minionfire.“ ”Do you really think so?“ ”Yeah, but you'd have to make a deal with the wood elves.“ ”I don't like the wood elves.“ ”They're okay. They're misunderstood.“ ”Maybe we could form an alliance, and then you could deal with the wood elves,“ Zook said. ”An alliance would be cool,“ Mooner said. ”We'd need an awesome name... like the Legion of Q.“ ”What's Q?“ Zook asked. ”It's everything. It's the big Q. It's, like... wind, man.“ Mooner dragged his backpack in from the front porch and took his laptop out. ”I'll send a pigeon to the king of the wood elves.“ ”You're going to need a drug test before you run an alliance from my house,“ Morelli said to Mooner. ”Hey, I'm clean. Swear to God. You gotta be sharp to be a griefer of my magnitude.“ We let Mooner send a pigeon, and then we kicked him out, and we all went to bed. I was so relieved to be off the Brenda job that I fell asleep instantly and slept like the dead. I didn't wake up until Morelli kissed me good-bye the next morning. ”I set the alarm,“ he said. ”You can't oversleep today. You have to get Zook off to school.“ I listened to his tread on the stairs and heard the front door open and close. And then two shots from a high-powered rifle shattered the early morning quiet. I flew out of bed and ran to the window. Morelli's SUV was still at the curb, but I didn't see Morelli. I grabbed some clothes off the floor, rammed myself into them, and ran to the stairs. I was halfway down the stairs when I realized Morelli was back in the house, in the foyer, talking on his cell phone. ”What the heck was that?“ I asked him. ”Are you okay?“ Morelli slid his phone into his pocket. ”Yeah, I'm okay. That was crazy Dom. I saw him. He stepped right out where I could see him and opened fire on me! I don't know if he's a lousy shot or if he just meant to scare me. Anyway, he fired two rounds and took off. I called it in to dispatch. If he stays in that same car, there's a good chance someone will pick him up.“ I looked up the stairs. No sign of Zook. ”I guess the Legion of Q isn't bothered by gunfire,“ Morelli said. ”He probably sleeps wearing earbuds hooked to his computer so he can listen for the wood elves.“ I dropped Zook off at school and went home to my apartment. I gave Rex fresh water, a bowl of hamster crunchies, and a potato chip. He rushed out of his soup can, twitched his whiskers at me, stuffed the potato chip into his cheek pouch, and scurried back into his soup can. It's easy to have a decent relationship with a hamster. So little is required. I took a shower and changed into clean clothes. No more Rangeman black. That job was done. I was about to get a pot of coffee going when Connie called. ”You need to come to the office,“ she said. ”We have a situation.“ ”What does that mean? What's a situation?“ ”You have to see for yourself.“ I locked up my apartment and went down to the lot to the Zook car. I checked the sky. No clouds. That meant no rain. The paint wouldn't get washed away again today. When I picked Zook up from school, I was going to make him wash my car. And then I'd have him scrub my mom's door and sidewalk. Ten minutes later, I cruised by the office. Lula's Firebird was parked curbside behind a black stretch limo and a TV news van. Just keep driving, I told myself. This smells like Brenda. I was two blocks away when my phone rang. ”We saw you drive by,“ Connie said. ”Maybe it wasn't me.“ ”How many cars have Zook written all over them?“ ”I couldn't find a parking place.“ ”There's lots of parking. Lula's outside waiting for you to turn around. If you don't turn around, she's going to get in her car and come after you.“ ”I'm pretty sure I could lose her.“ ”I wouldn't count on it. She's really motivated.“ I hung up, hooked a U-turn, and parked in front of the limo. Lula came running. ”Hurry up!“ she yelled at me. ”Everybody's inside waiting for you!“ She was dressed entirely in black leather. High-heeled stiletto boots, short black leather skirt, black leather bustier, and a black leather bomber jacket that had CRIME busters stitched in gold on the back. If you were a guy and you ordered a dominatrix by the pound, Lula would be a wet dream come true. I got out of the Zookmobile and followed Lula into the office. Brenda was there with her hair teased up. She was dressed in tight black leather pants and a black leather vest. Nothing under the vest but Brenda. Nancy was with her, plus a man and a woman I didn't know. A camera crew sat slouched on the couch, their equipment at their feet. ”What's up?“ I asked, not actually wanting to hear the answer. ”This is Mark Bird and his producer, Jenny Walen,“ Nancy said. ”Some suit at Fox was watching the local feed last night and got the brilliant idea of teaming Brenda up with you and Lula on a bust for a Sunday-night special. Mark is going to run point with it.“ I put my finger to my eye to stop the twitching. ”Don't we already have enough bounty hunter shows on television?“ ”Not with Brenda,“ Mark said. ”I think we could really get ratings with this.

  It would be a cross between Dog the Bounty Hunter and Paris Hilton's The Simple Life.“ Eeek! ”Trouble is, you're not dressed the part,“ Lula said to me. ”You gotta be in black leather.“ ”I'm not wearing black leather,“ I told her. ”And you shouldn't, either. You look like an S&M ad.“ ”This is bounty hunter clothes,“ Lula said. ”All the bounty hunters on television wear clothes like this.“ I pressed my finger harder against my eyeball. ”First off, no real bond enforcer dresses like that. It's like announcing, Here comes the bounty hunter. And second, my mother would have a heart attack if she saw me in that getup.“ ”Yeah, but you're always giving your mother a heart attack,“ Lula said. ”And anyways, you haven't seen the best part. They had jackets made for us. And they got the show's name-on the back and our names on the front. It's like we're Charlie's Angels.“ ”For crissake,“ Brenda said to me. ”You're a bounty hunter. Buy into the stereotype and get it over with. And here's something to consider. I'm getting a crack at reality TV, and I'll kick your ass from here to kingdom come if you screw it up for me.“ ”I think you should ask Ranger to do this,“ I said to Nancy. ”He'd be a better partner for Brenda.“ ”We already asked him, and he turned it down,“ Brenda said. ”This isn't a good idea,“ I said to Connie. ”They called Vinnie last night, and he thinks it's a great idea. It's out of my hands.“ ”Can I discuss this with you in private?“ Lula said to me. ”Would you step into my office behind the building for a moment?“ I followed Lula past the bank of file cabinets and through the storeroom to the back door. We stepped outside and stood on the small patch of blacktop that was allocated as emergency parking ... an emergency usually being when someone is trying to collect money from Vinnie and he doesn't want his car to be seen in front of the agency. ”This here's my big opportunity,“ Lula said. ”I could get discovered. I could have my own reality TV show with Brenda. Even my horoscope said I was gonna look to new horizons today.“ ”This is a disastrous idea! Think about it. We're like Lucy and Ethel out there. We never know what the heck we're doing. And now we're going to drag Brenda around with us? And it's going to be documented. Remember when that mop fell out of the closet and you thought it was a snake? Do you want that picture to go into a million homes?“ ”Maybe not that picture.“ ”And what about the time you fell in the grave and couldn't get out and freaked?“ ”Yeah, but anyone would have. I figure we just have to pick a good bust. Like the old naked guy would have been okay.“ ”You can't put an old naked guy on national television. Anyway, we already brought him in.“ ”Connie said she had something we could use. And besides being my big break, they're gonna pay us.“ That caught my attention because I needed a new car... bad. ”How much?“ ”A couple thousand. And they thought we'd only have to do two days of filming.“ ”Okay, I'll do it, but I'm not dressing in black leather.“ ”You're gonna be sorry. You're gonna look like a amateur. You're not gonna fit in with Brenda and me. You should at least wear the jacket.“ ”Fine. I'll wear the jacket.“ Lula hustled back inside. ”We're ready to roll. We just cleared our schedule for you. And Stephanie's all excited about wearing the jacket.“ ”What have you got?“ I asked Connie. ”Susan Stitch. Just came in. She had a fight with her boyfriend and tried to leave, but he climbed onto the roof of her SUV and wouldn't get off, so she drove him to Princeton. Actually, she di
dn't quite make Princeton. The police finally stopped her on Route 1 about a half mile from the interchange.“ ”Jeez,“ I said. ”Was he hurt?“ ”Not from the ride, but he sort of flew off the car when Susan stopped short, and then she kind of ran over him.“ ”Kind of?“ ”He tried to scramble to his feet, but she gunned the car and clipped him in the leg.“ ”She sounds dangerous,“ Lula said. ”We want to make sure we're packin'.“ ”No! No packing,“ I said. ”No packing anything. This is a domestic disturbance.“ ”Sure. I know that,“ Lula said. ”Why did she miss her court date?“ I asked Connie. ”Did you call her?“ ”She said she forgot, and she said she was sorry. So it should be an easy pickup. She lives on Bing Street in North Trenton. It's a small apartment building. She's in apartment 212.“ ”You see,“ I said to Lula. ”She's sorry. We don't want to overreact with this woman.“ ”This sounds like it's going to be boring,“ Brenda said. ”I think we should hunt down a rapist or something.“ ”Gee, sorry,“ I said. ”There aren't any of those around right now, right, Connie?“ ”Yeah, we already caught all the rapists.“ ”We gotta have a plan for the takedown,“ Lula said. ”Do you have your cuffs ready?“ she asked Brenda. ”Cuffs?“ ”You gotta have handcuffs,“ Lula said. ”How're you gonna do a takedown without handcuffs?“ Brenda glared at Nancy. ”Dammit, why don't I have handcuffs?“ Nancy was head down, thumbing through the pages on her clipboard. ”Wardrobe didn't list handcuffs.“ ”Isn't it bad enough I haven't got a gun?“ Brenda said. ”Just because little Miss Goody Two Shoes Stephanie Plum doesn't have the stomach for it. Doesn't want to stress out the disturbed woman who ran over her boyfriend.“ ”You ran over a cameraman,“ Nancy said to Brenda. ”He deserved it,“ Brenda said. ”The sonovabitch.“ ”I always got a gun,“ Lula said. ”I got a big one.“ ”This just isn't going to work,“ Brenda said. ”How are we supposed to look like bounty hunters if we don't go in with guns drawn? This is very disappointing. My fans will be expecting action.

  They're going to want to hear me say, Freeze! We're bounty hunters.“ ”She got a point,“ Lula said. ”Yes, but here's the problem,“ I said. ”Television bounty hunters do that sort of thing, but I'm not a television bounty hunter. I'm a real-life bond-enforcement agent. So here's how it's going to happen. I'm going to knock on Susans door and hand her my card and explain who we are. Then I'm going to ask her to come downtown with us so she can get rebonded.“ ”Hunh,“ Lula said. ”I guess you could do it that way, but it's not gonna get ratings.“ ”Humor me,“ I said. ”Brenda can go to a studio and do voice-overs, and no one will know the difference.“ ”That might work,“ Lula said to Brenda. ”Freeze, suckah,“ Brenda said in a crouch position, pretending she had a gun. ”That's pretty good,“ Lula told her. ”You should have your own show. You could do CSI: Brenda.“ I took the paperwork from Connie and shrugged into my jacket. It was almost eighty degrees outside, and I was going to sweat like a pig in this thing. ”Here's the way it works,“ the sound guy said. ”I'm going to wire you all, and I've also wired the Firebird. We'll be able to hear everything, so switch yourself off if you need to use the bathroom. We've also got a lipstick cam in the Firebird, and we'll be filming from the van. When you enter the lady's house, Jeff will follow you with the minicam.“ ”What if she doesn't want to be filmed?“ I asked. ”Everyone wants to be filmed,“ the sound guy said. ”Just start singing the “Bad Boys”theme song.“ We trudged outside, Lula got behind the wheel, Brenda got in next to her, and I climbed into the back. Brenda and Lula were in full view of the lipstick cam mounted above the driver's side door. The camera didn't cover the backseat. Fine by me. My hair didn't look all that great, and my cleavage couldn't nearly measure up. Lula drove across town to North Trenton and turned down Bing Street. The film crew van was right behind us. We parked in the apartment building lot, and we all got out. I thought we looked like one of those Publishers Clearing House commercials. The only thing missing was the big check and a bunch of balloons. I led the parade into the building and up one flight of stairs. The building wasn't fancy, but it was clean and the paint looked new. There were six apartments on the second floor. ”Now, remember,“ I said to Brenda and Lula. ”Let me do the talking.“ ”I should be the one to do the talking,“ Brenda said. ”I'm the star.“ ”And I'm almost a star,“ Lula said. ”What about me? I need to get a chance to talk."

  “Yes,” I said. “But I'm the one who signed her name to the contract to apprehend. I'm the one who gets sued if there's a screwup.”

  “Okay,” Lula said. “That sounds fair.”

  “I can live with it,” Brenda said.

  According to my paperwork, Susan Stitch was twenty-six years old, unmarried, and worked nights as a bartender at the Holiday Inn. She had no priors. And she lived alone.

  I rang the bell and a young woman answered the door. Shoulder-length brown hair, brown eyes, slim. Susan Stitch. She looked just like her booking photo.

  I introduced myself and gave her my card.

  “I'm here to bring you to the courthouse so you can get rebonded,” I told her.

  And that was partially true. The part I neglected to mention was that she would have to go through the arrest process again and that it wasn't a given she would be released.

  She looked over my shoulder at the cameraman and sound guy and Brenda and Lula. “Who are all these people?”

  “This is your lucky day,” Lula said. “You been selected to be arrested by Brenda. And these are the guys who follow her around and take pictures.”

  “Freeze, bitch,” Brenda said.

  Susan squinted at Brenda. “Omigod! Is it really you?”

  “Yep,” Brenda said. “In the flesh.”

  “Omigod. Omigod!” Susan said. “I've got goose bumps. The lady at the bonds office didn't tell me. I would have worn something different. Omigod, you have to come in so I can get my camera. No one's going to believe this.”

  Susan ran off to get her camera, and we all shuffled into her small apartment.

  Her furniture looked a lot like mine. Inexpensive and without personality.

  Neither of us was a nest-builder. I always had good intentions of buying throw pillows and arranging pictures in frames and maybe getting a houseplant, but somehow it never happened.

  “Hey,” Lula yelled into the bedroom at Susan. “Did you really give your boyfriend a ride on the roof rack?”

  Susan came in with her camera. “He's not my boyfriend. He used to be my boyfriend, but he's a total jerk. I'm just sorry all I got was his leg. If he hadn't gotten up so fast, I would have run over him like he was a speed bump.”

  She focused the camera and took everyone's picture. “Now one of me with Brenda,” she said, handing the camera to Lula. “This is so cool.”

  “Why'd your boyfriend jump on the car?” Lula wanted to know. “Guess he didn't want you to go?”

  “Had nothing to do with me. It was that I took Carl. He just wanted his precious Carl.”

  “Isn't that tragic,” Brenda said. “You have a little boy. A split is always so hard on the children.”

  “Actually, Carl's a monkey,” Susan said.

  Lula snapped her head around. “He isn't here, is he? Nothing personal, but I hate monkeys.”

  “I have him in the bathroom. He gets excited when strangers come into the apartment.”

  “I have to see this,” Brenda said, crossing to the closed bathroom door. “What kind of monkey is it?”

  “Don't open the door!” Susan said.

  Too late. Brenda yanked the door open, and the monkey launched himself out at her and draped himself over her head.

  Everyone in the room went rigid and sucked air.