If There's No Tomorrow

  way. I couldn’t blame her for any of them.

  “Are you starting school on Monday or Tuesday?” Dary asked.

  “I saw the doc yesterday. He wants me to come back in Monday morning, and if everything checks out fine like he thinks, I’ll start on Tuesday.”

  Dary ran her hand through her short hair. “I bet you’re ready to get back to school.”

  “Not really,” I murmured. A ball of dread formed.

  She frowned. “Really? I’d be going stir-crazy by now and you actually like school.”

  I was going a little stir-crazy and I did like school, but school meant I had to face everyone and—

  “Everyone is excited to see you,” Dary said, obviously reading my hesitation. “So many people have been asking how you’re doing. A lot of people have been thinking about you.”

  I took a sip of my soda as I thought about that card Sebastian had brought me. It was still on my desk, in its brown bag. “It just won’t... It won’t feel the same without them there.” I admitted a tiny truth of what I’d been thinking. Just like I had with Sebastian on Monday night, telling him I didn’t want to go back to school.

  Dary lowered her gaze and her shoulders rose with a deep breath. “It’s not. It’s really not, but...it’s getting easier.”

  It was?

  She drew in another breath, and when she spoke, her voice shook. “Anyway, are you caught up on schoolwork?”

  Welcoming the change of subject, I relaxed. “Pretty much. It’s just mostly reading assignments and quick worksheets.”

  “That’s good. At least you don’t have to be overwhelmed with trying to get caught up.” She rested her elbow on the arm of the chair. “So how are things going with Sebastian?”

  Lori snorted yet again. “He practically lives here now.”

  I shot her a dark look. “No, he doesn’t.”

  “I thought it was bad before,” my sister continued, ignoring me. “Like having a damn brother in the house. But now he’s here all the time.”

  Dary laughed.

  “You’re not even here all the time,” I pointed out. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Isn’t it time for you to do your inhaler?” she quipped, grinning.

  I rolled my eyes. “I don’t even know why you’re asking me how things are going with Sebastian.”

  Dary was the one to make the piglet noise now. “Come on, Lena. Just because I wasn’t home for a week doesn’t mean I don’t know about the kiss and the argument at the...” She stopped for a second, and I stiffened. She recovered with a shake of her head. “Abbi filled me in.”

  It was probably a good thing that Abbi wasn’t here, because I sort of wanted to smack her upside the back of the head.

  “Wait.” Lori sat forward, staring at me. “You kissed Sebastian?”

  I opened my mouth.

  “Yeah,” Dary answered for me. “At the lake, supposedly.”

  “About damn time.” Lori sat back, grinning. “Oh my God, wait until I see him again. I’m so—”

  “Don’t say anything to him. Please, Lori. It was a... I don’t know. It wasn’t supposed to happen. He didn’t kiss me. It was just a random thing that kind of happened—”

  “Kissing someone is not something that just happens, you know.” Lori tilted her head to the side. “Pretty sure you know that.”

  “Abbi said you two kind of got into it after he threw you in the pool or something? You were supposed to tell her about it later.” Dary planted her cheek on her fist. “What did you guys get into it about? And come on, I know you admitted to Abbi and...and Megan that you like him like him, and we all already knew that.”

  “Nothing really.” I sighed, eyeing the room for an escape. It felt weird, wrong even, talking about Sebastian after what had happened. But both of them were staring at me and waiting like it didn’t feel weird to them at all. “When he threw me in the pool, I thought he was going to kiss me. I got mad and walked away. I was talking to...to Cody,” I said, losing my breath at the sharp slice of pain in my chest. “And he came up, and I don’t even know how we started arguing. He said something. I said something back, and then I admitted that I thought he was going to kiss me, but then Skylar came over, and I walked away.”

  I paused, glancing at Dary. “He told me that he and Skylar aren’t back together.”

  “Doesn’t appear to be to me. He doesn’t hang with her at school,” she said, looking to the ceiling. Her lips pursed. “I’ve seen her going up to him, though. He doesn’t look thrilled, you know? Like he’s being polite but is in desperate need of his best friend forever, also known as Lena, to swoop in and rescue him.”

  She grinned when I shook my head.

  “Wait a second. Let’s back up a second. You kissed him, right?” Lori asked. “Does Mom know? Because if you think she doesn’t know he sneaks into your bedroom at 1:00 a.m., then you got another think coming.”

  My eyes widened. “She knows about that?”

  Lori laughed like she thought I needed to be patted on the head. “I think she has her suspicions.”

  Oh.

  That probably wasn’t good.

  “You two are going to get married one day and it’s going to be so cute it’s gross,” Dary announced.

  “I don’t know about that,” I protested, lifting my good arm. “Can we not talk about this?”

  “I did have another reason for coming over.” Dary straightened her glasses. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to the cemetery... I can drive your car.” She glanced over at my sister. “Or maybe Lori can drive us?”

  I blanched as pressure clamped down on my chest. Go to the cemetery? To see Cody’s and Phillip’s graves? Megan’s and Chris’s? The soil would still be disturbed. Grass wouldn’t have grown over it.

  “I don’t know.” Lori was watching me. “It’s pretty hot outside and that’s a long walk at the cemetery. I don’t think she’s ready for all of that.”

  Dary appeared to accept the excuse, which was partly true, at least.

  She stayed for a couple of hours longer and then left, promising to text me later.

  “Thank you,” I said to Lori after she’d shut the door. “For the cemetery thing.”

  She nodded absently, her face pinched. “You aren’t ready to do that, and I’m not talking just physically.”

  I picked up a throw pillow and clutched it to my chest, knowing she was right.

  “You won’t even talk about Megan or the guys.” She walked close to the couch. “You won’t talk about the accident or anything. I knew you wouldn’t want to go to their graves.”

  Graves. I hated that word. It was cold and barren.

  “You know you’ve got to eventually.” Lori sat next to me and kicked her bare feet up on the coffee table. “You need to. It’s closure. Or something.”

  I nodded. “I know. I just...” A knot twisted deep in my stomach. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Do you think what happened is really an accident?”

  Her brows knitted. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s hard to explain but...is it really an accident? I mean, Cody was... He was drinking and driving.” I held the pillow close. “If he’d survived, couldn’t he be charged with vehicular manslaughter or something?”

  “I guess.”

  “Then how is it really an accident?” And shouldn’t I be charged with something because I hadn’t been drunk? I didn’t voice that. “To me, an accident is something that couldn’t be prevented. This could’ve been.”

  Lori tipped her head back against the cushion. “I get what you’re saying, but I...I don’t know what to say. He didn’t intend to lose control and wreck. He didn’t intend to kill anyone and hurt you, but he did. Actions have consequences, right?”

  “So does inaction,” I murmured.

  She was quiet for a moment. “Mom told me.”

  I tensed.

  A heartbeat passed. “She told me they
checked your blood-alcohol level when you came into the hospital, when they did the rest of the tests. The doctors said you weren’t drunk. There was nothing in your system.”

  Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard.

  “What happened, Lena?” She twisted toward me, drawing one leg up. “You can talk to me, you know? I’m not going to judge you. It will help you to talk.”

  I opened my mouth. The desire to tell her was almost overwhelming. But she would judge me. She had to.

  So I said nothing.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Sebastian dragged one of the old plastic lawn chairs out of his parents’ shed and plopped it down next to my chair on the balcony Saturday night.

  We were sitting side by side. His feet on the top of the railing, mine on the bottom because it put too much pressure on my ribs to lift them that high.

  It had been hot during the day, almost like we were still smack-dab in the middle of August, but at night it had cooled down significantly. That was how the weather was here. One day it was like summer refused to let go, the wind hot and the air humid, and later that night, fall would steadily creep in, bringing with it colder wind and dying leaves, turning the world orange and red. By the end of the month, pumpkins would start popping up on front porches. In two months, talk of Thanksgiving and Christmas would fill the air. Life was ultimately moving on, not at a snail’s pace but at a rapid clip that happened so fast it seemed slow.

  “Don’t you have something more interesting to do tonight?” I asked. He’d shown up about a half an hour ago. A month ago he would have been at Keith’s on a Saturday night. Or out at the lake with Phillip and Cody. But he was here, sitting on my balcony.

  “Not really.”

  I shifted the pillow behind me. “I guess there aren’t many parties going on right now.”

  “There are some. Not at Keith’s, obviously.” He flicked at the bottle of water between his knees. “But this is where I want to be.”

  My heart swelled in response, but I ignored the pleasant trilling the sensation induced and popped a hole in it. “How is everything with Keith?”

  “It’s been rough. He hasn’t really talked about it. I don’t think he can. At least that’s what his parents’ lawyers have probably advised.” He took a drink from his bottle. “I don’t know what his parents are going to do. There’s talk that Phillip’s family is planning to sue Keith’s. That they’ve been in talks with the other families. I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up getting a phone call from them.”

  Watching the leaves fall from the limbs in the night breeze, I shook my head. “I don’t want to be a part of that.”

  “I didn’t think you would. I know Keith feels like shit for it. Feels responsible.”

  I toyed with the cap on my soda. “But is he responsible? I mean, his parents knew about the parties there. We all know that. They never had a problem with it. But they didn’t make anyone drive drunk.” I stopped, wondering why I was saying any of this. Probably trying to make myself feel better. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m just thinking out loud.”

  Truth was, a month ago I never would’ve even thought about any of this. Going to parties, having a drink or two and leaving—it was just the norm. I never thought this would happen, and I knew how stupid that sounded. How incredibly naive that belief was. How ultimately tragic.

  Sebastian didn’t respond for a long moment, so I looked over at him. He was staring up at the dark night sky blanketed with stars. “You know what I think?”

  “What?” I whispered, almost afraid to know.

  He tipped his head in my direction. “I think all of us are responsible.”

  Turning my head toward him, I stilled and was unable to look away.

  “It’s just something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I went to that party. I drank and I planned on driving you home. Didn’t cross my mind that I would be putting you in danger—putting myself in danger.”

  “You didn’t get drunk, though,” I pointed out. “I’ve never seen you get legit drunk and then try to drive.”

  “I haven’t, but is there really a difference?” he asked. “Two beers? Three? Just because I think I’m fine and I act right doesn’t mean I wasn’t affected and didn’t realize it. Not to sound like a damn commercial, but it only takes a couple of seconds, right?”

  “Right,” I murmured.

  “And I bet Cody thought he was fine. He didn’t think for a second that getting behind that wheel would end that way.”

  He hadn’t.

  My chest ached and it had nothing to do with my injuries. Cody had believed he was okay to drive. So had Chris and Megan and Phillip.

  “He’s fine. Come on.” Megan took my hand and leaned in, whispering in my ear, “I want chicken nuggets and sweet-and-sour sauce.”

  Swallowing hard, I let the memory slip away, but the meaning lingered. None of them thought for a second there’d be a problem with Cody driving, because all of them had been drinking. But me? I’d known differently.

  But Sebastian was right, in a way. We all were responsible, in varying degrees. We’d all been so incredibly careless, time and time again. It was just no one thought about these kinds of things until they happened, until it was too late. But at the end of the day, I was just as responsible as Cody. Maybe not legally. But definitely morally.

  And I didn’t know how to live with that.

  “Dary texted me earlier.”

  I raised a brow. “Why? She was over here today.”

  “I know.” Sebastian placed the bottle back between his knees. “But she’s worried about you.”

  “She shouldn’t be.” I leaned to the side as the twinge in my ribs increased. “I’m fine.”

  Sebastian laughed softly under his breath. “You’re far from being fine, Lena.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that pretending you’re straight in the head doesn’t mean you actually are.”

  Brushing hair back from my face, I watched a star disappear behind clouds. “Are you now thinking about a career in psychology or something?”

  He chuckled this time. “Maybe. I think I’m pretty good at it.”

  I snickered. “Whatever.”

  He stretched over, caught a strand of my hair and tugged gently. “Are you able to drive to school this week?” he asked. “I was talking to Dad about it, and he said one of the guys he knows at the plant had a collapsed lung. Just one. They didn’t want him driving until it was fully healed.”

  “Yeah, I hadn’t gotten that far in my planning yet. I’m hoping they’ll be okay with me driving.”

  “What about the arm, though? It’s just your left arm, but add that with the lungs, maybe you shouldn’t.” He dropped his arm and lifted his gaze skyward. “I live right next door. I can drive you until you’re fully healed.”

  “That’s not necessary. I’m sure I’ll—”

  “I don’t know if it’s necessary or not, but I want to give you a ride until you’re a hundred percent.”

  I looked over at him. Our eyes met and held. “I’m fine. I can drive.”

  “Or maybe you’re not. Maybe your reflexes are slow because your ribs are killing you. Or maybe you have trouble breathing and an accident happens.” He shifted toward me, and even though we were in separate chairs, there was suddenly very little space between us. “I almost lost you once. I don’t want that to happen again.”

  My breath caught and it had nothing to do with the current state of my crappy lungs. “How will I get home, though? Don’t you have football practice? I don’t have volleyball practice,” I added, lifting the arm in a cast. “I’m out.”