Notes From Underground

  "Not all, of course, but anyway it is much better than the life here.

  Infinitely better. Besides, with love one can live even without happiness.

  Even in sorrow life is sweet; life is sweet, however one lives. But here what

  is there but ... foulness? Phew!"

  I turned away with disgust; I was no longer reasoning coldly. I began to

  feel myself what I was saying and warmed to the subject. I was already

  longing to expound the cherished ideas I had brooded over in my corner.

  Something suddenly flared up in me. An object had appeared before me.

  "Never mind my being here, I am not an example for you. I am,

  perhaps, worse than you are. I was drunk when I came here, though," I

  hastened, however, to say in self-defence. "Besides, a man is no example

  for a woman. It's a different thing. I may degrade and defile myself, but I

  am not anyone's slave. I come and go, and that's an end of it. I shake it off,

  and I am a different man. But you are a slave from the start. Yes, a slave!

  You give up everything, your whole freedom. If you want to break your

  chains afterwards, you won't be able to; you will be more and more fast in

  the snares. It is an accursed bondage. I know it. I won't speak of anything

  else, maybe you won't understand, but tell me: no doubt you are in debt

  to your madam? There, you see," I added, though she made no answer,

  but only listened in silence, entirely absorbed, "that's a bondage for you!

  You will never buy your freedom. They will see to that. It's like selling

  your soul to the devil .... And besides ... perhaps, I too, am just as

  unlucky--how do you know--and wallow in the mud on purpose, out of

  misery? You know, men take to drink from grief; well, maybe I am here

  from grief. Come, tell me, what is there good here? Here you and I ...

  came together ... just now and did not say one word to one another all

  the time, and it was only afterwards you began staring at me like a wild

  creature, and I at you. Is that loving? Is that how one human being

  should meet another? It's hideous, that's what it is!"

  "Yes!" she assented sharply and hurriedly.

  I was positively astounded by the promptitude of this "Yes." So the

  same thought may have been straying through her mind when she was

  staring at me just before. So she, too, was capable of certain thoughts?

  "Damn it all, this was interesting, this was a point of likeness!" I thought,

  almost rubbing my hands. And indeed it's easy to turn a young soul

  like that!

  It was the exercise of my power that attracted me most.

  She turned her head nearer to me, and it seemed to me in the darkness

  that she propped herself on her arm. Perhaps she was scrutinising me.

  How I regretted that I could not see her eyes. I heard her deep breathing.

  "Why have you come here?" I asked her, with a note of authority

  already in my voice.

  "Oh, I don't know."

  "But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! It's warm

  and free; you have a home of your own."

  "But what if it's worse than this?"

  "I must take the right tone," flashed through my mind. "I may not get

  far with sentimentality." But it was only a momentary thought. I swear

  she really did interest me. Besides, I was exhausted and moody. And

  cunning so easily goes hand-in-hand with feeling.

  "Who denies it!" I hastened to answer. "Anything may happen. I am

  convinced that someone has wronged you, and that you are more sinned

  against than sinning. Of course, I know nothing of your story, but it's not

  likely a girl like you has come here of her own inclination ...."

  "A girl like me?" she whispered, hardly audibly; but I heard it.

  Damn it all, I was flattering her. That was horrid. But perhaps it was a

  good thing .... She was silent.

  "See, Liza, I will tell you about myself. If I had had a home from

  childhood, I shouldn't be what I am now. I often think that. However bad

  it may be at home, anyway they are your father and mother, and not

  enemies, strangers. Once a year at least, they'll show their love of you.

  Anyway, you know you are at home. I grew up without a home; and

  perhaps that's why I've turned so ... unfeeling."

  I waited again. "Perhaps she doesn't understand," I thought, "and,

  indeed, it is absurd--it's moralising."

  "If I were a father and had a daughter, I believe I should love my

  daughter more than my sons, really," I began indirectly, as though talking

  of something else, to distract her attention. I must confess I blushed.

  "Why so?" she asked.

  Ah! so she was listening!

  "I don't know, Liza. I knew a father who was a stern, austere man, but

  used to go down on his knees to his daughter, used to kiss her hands, her

  feet, he couldn't make enough of her, really. When she danced at parties

  he used to stand for five hours at a stretch, gazing at her. He was mad over

  her: I understand that! She would fall asleep tired at night, and he would

  wake to kiss her in her sleep and make the sign of the cross over her. He

  would go about in a dirty old coat, he was stingy to everyone else, but

  would spend his last penny for her, giving her expensive presents, and it

  was his greatest delight when she was pleased with what he gave her.

  Fathers always love their daughters more than the mothers do. Some girls

  live happily at home! And I believe I should never let my daughters marry."

  "What next?" she said, with a faint smile.

  "I should be jealous, I really should. To think that she should kiss

  anyone else! That she should love a stranger more than her father! It's

  painful to imagine it. Of course, that's all nonsense, of course every

  father would be reasonable at last. But I believe before I should let her

  marry, I should worry myself to death; I should find fault with all her

  suitors. But I should end by letting her marry whom she herself loved.

  The one whom the daughter loves always seems the worst to the father,

  you know. That is always so. So many family troubles come from that."

  "Some are glad to sell their daughters, rather than marrying

  them honourably."

  Ah, so that was it!

  "Such a thing, Liza, happens in those accursed families in which

  there is neither love nor God," I retorted warmly, "and where there is no

  love, there is no sense either. There are such families, it's true, but I am

  not speaking of them. You must have seen wickedness in your own

  family, if you talk like that. Truly, you must have been unlucky. H'm! ...

  that sort of thing mostly comes about through poverty."

  "And is it any better with the gentry? Even among the poor, honest

  people who live happily?"

  "H'm ... yes. Perhaps. Another thing, Liza, man is fond of reckoning

  up his troubles, but does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he

  ought, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.

  And what if all goes well with the family, if the blessing of God is upon it,

  if the husband is a good one, loves you, cherishes you, never leaves you!

  There is happiness in such a family! Even sometimes t
here is happiness

  in the midst of sorrow; and indeed sorrow is everywhere. If you marry YOU

  WILL FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF. But think of the first years of married life with

  one you love: what happiness, what happiness there sometimes is in it!

  And indeed it's the ordinary thing. In those early days even quarrels with

  one's husband end happily. Some women get up quarrels with their

  husbands just because they love them. Indeed, I knew a woman like that:

  she seemed to say that because she loved him, she would torment him

  and make him feel it. You know that you may torment a man on purpose

  through love. Women are particularly given to that, thinking to themselves

  'I will love him so, I will make so much of him afterwards, that it's

  no sin to torment him a little now.' And all in the house rejoice in the

  sight of you, and you are happy and gay and peaceful and honourable ....

  Then there are some women who are jealous. If he went off

  anywhere--I knew one such woman, she couldn't restrain herself, but

  would jump up at night and run off on the sly to find out where he was,

  whether he was with some other woman. That's a pity. And the woman

  knows herself it's wrong, and her heart fails her and she suffers, but she

  loves--it's all through love. And how sweet it is to make up after quarrels,

  to own herself in the wrong or to forgive him! And they both are so happy

  all at once--as though they had met anew, been married over again; as

  though their love had begun afresh. And no one, no one should know

  what passes between husband and wife if they love one another. And

  whatever quarrels there may be between them they ought not to call in

  their own mother to judge between them and tell tales of one another.

  They are their own judges. Love is a holy mystery and ought to be hidden

  from all other eyes, whatever happens. That makes it holier and better.

  They respect one another more, and much is built on respect. And if

  once there has been love, if they have been married for love, why should

  love pass away? Surely one can keep it! It is rare that one cannot keep it.

  And if the husband is kind and straightforward, why should not love last?

  The first phase of married love will pass, it is true, but then there will

  come a love that is better still. Then there will be the union of souls, they

  will have everything in common, there will be no secrets between them.

  And once they have children, the most difficult times will seem to them

  happy, so long as there is love and courage. Even toil will be a joy, you

  may deny yourself bread for your children and even that will be a joy,

  They will love you for it afterwards; so you are laying by for your future.

  As the children grow up you feel that you are an example, a support for

  them; that even after you die your children will always keep your

  thoughts and feelings, because they have received them from you, they

  will take on your semblance and likeness. So you see this is a great duty.

  How can it fail to draw the father and mother nearer? People say it's a trial

  to have children. Who says that? It is heavenly happiness! Are you fond of

  little children, Liza? I am awfully fond of them. You know--a little rosy

  baby boy at your bosom, and what husband's heart is not touched, seeing

  his wife nursing his child! A plump little rosy baby, sprawling and

  snuggling, chubby little hands and feet, clean tiny little nails, so tiny that

  it makes one laugh to look at them; eyes that look as if they understand

  everything. And while it sucks it clutches at your bosom with its little

  hand, plays. When its father comes up, the child tears itself away from the

  bosom, flings itself back, looks at its father, laughs, as though it were

  fearfully funny, and falls to sucking again. Or it will bite its mother's

  breast when its little teeth are coming, while it looks sideways at her with

  its little eyes as though to say, 'Look, I am biting!' Is not all that happiness

  when they are the three together, husband, wife and child? One can

  forgive a great deal for the sake of such moments. Yes, Liza, one must first

  learn to live oneself before one blames others!"

  "It's by pictures, pictures like that one must get at you," I thought to

  myself, though I did speak with real feeling, and all at once I flushed

  crimson. "What if she were suddenly to burst out laughing, what should I

  do then?" That idea drove me to fury. Towards the end of my speech I

  really was excited, and now my vanity was somehow wounded. The

  silence continued. I almost nudged her.

  "Why are you--" she began and stopped. But I understood: there

  was a quiver of something different in her voice, not abrupt, harsh and

  unyielding as before, but something soft and shamefaced, so shamefaced

  that I suddenly felt ashamed and guilty.

  "What?" I asked, with tender curiosity.

  "Why, you ..."

  "What?"

  "Why, you ... speak somehow like a book," she said, and again there

  was a note of irony in her voice.

  That remark sent a pang to my heart. It was not what I was expecting.

  I did not understand that she was hiding her feelings under irony,

  that this is usually the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people

  when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded, and

  that their pride makes them refuse to surrender till the last moment

  and shrink from giving expression to their feelings before you. I ought

  to have guessed the truth from the timidity with which she had repeatedly

  approached her sarcasm, only bringing herself to utter it at last

  with an effort. But I did not guess, and an evil feeling took possession

  of me.

  "Wait a bit!" I thought.

  VII

  "Oh, hush, Liza! How can you talk about being like a book, when it

  makes even me, an outsider, feel sick? Though I don't look at it as an

  outsider, for, indeed, it touches me to the heart .... Is it possible, is it

  possible that you do not feel sick at being here yourself? Evidently habit

  does wonders! God knows what habit can do with anyone. Can you

  seriously think that you will never grow old, that you will always be good-

  looking, and that they will keep you here for ever and ever? I say nothing

  of the loathsomeness of the life here .... Though let me tell you this

  about it--about your present life, I mean; here though you are young

  now, attractive, nice, with soul and feeling, yet you know as soon as I

  came to myself just now I felt at once sick at being here with you! One

  can only come here when one is drunk. But if you were anywhere else,

  living as good people live, I should perhaps be more than attracted by

  you, should fall in love with you, should be glad of a look from you, let

  alone a word; I should hang about your door, should go down on my

  knees to you, should look upon you as my betrothed and think it an

  honour to be allowed to. I should not dare to have an impure thought

  about you. But here, you see, I know that I have only to whistle and you

  have to come with me whether you like it or not. I don't consult your

  wishes, but you mine. T
he lowest labourer hires himself as a workman,

  but he doesn't make a slave of himself altogether; besides, he knows that

  he will be free again presently. But when are you free? Only think what

  you are giving up here? What is it you are making a slave of? It is your

  soul, together with your body; you are selling your soul which you have

  no right to dispose of! You give your love to be outraged by every

  drunkard! Love! But that's everything, you know, it's a priceless diamond,

  it's a maiden's treasure, love--why, a man would be ready to give his

  soul, to face death to gain that love. But how much is your love worth

  now? You are sold, all of you, body and soul, and there is no need to strive

  for love when you can have everything without love. And you know there

  is no greater insult to a girl than that, do you understand? To be sure, I

  have heard that they comfort you, poor fools, they let you have lovers of

  your own here. But you know that's simply a farce, that's simply a sham,

  it's just laughing at you, and you are taken in by it! Why, do you suppose

  he really loves you, that lover of yours? I don't believe it. How can he

  love you when he knows you may be called away from him any minute?

  He would be a low fellow if he did! Will he have a grain of respect for

  you? What have you in common with him? He laughs at you and robs

  you--that is all his love amounts to! You are lucky if he does not beat

  you. Very likely he does beat you, too. Ask him, if you have got one,

  whether he will marry you. He will laugh in your face, if he doesn't spit

  in it or give you a blow--though maybe he is not worth a bad halfpenny

  himself. And for what have you ruined your life, if you come to think of

  it? For the coffee they give you to drink and the plentiful meals? But with

  what object are they feeding you up? An honest girl couldn't swallow the

  food, for she would know what she was being fed for. You are in debt here,

  and, of course, you will always be in debt, and you will go on in debt to

  the end, till the visitors here begin to scorn you. And that will soon

  happen, don't rely upon your youth--all that flies by express train here,

  you know. You will be kicked out. And not simply kicked out; long before

  that she'll begin nagging at you, scolding you, abusing you, as though

  you had not sacrificed your health for her, had not thrown away your

  youth and your soul for her benefit, but as though you had ruined her,

  beggared her, robbed her. And don't expect anyone to take your part: the

  others, your companions, will attack you, too, win her favour, for all are

  in slavery here, and have lost all conscience and pity here long ago. They

  have become utterly vile, and nothing on earth is viler, more loathsome,

  and more insulting than their abuse. And you are laying down everything

  here, unconditionally, youth and health and beauty and hope, and at

  twenty-two you will look like a woman of five-and-thirty, and you will be

  lucky if you are not diseased, pray to God for that! No doubt you are

  thinking now that you have a gay time and no work to do! Yet there is no

  work harder or more dreadful in the world or ever has been. One would

  think that the heart alone would be worn out with tears. And you won't

  dare to say a word, not half a word when they drive you away from here;

  you will go away as though you were to blame. You will change to

  another house, then to a third, then somewhere else, till you come down

  at last to the Haymarket. There you will be beaten at every turn; that is

  good manners there, the visitors don't know how to be friendly without

  beating you. You don't believe that it is so hateful there? Go and look for

  yourself some time, you can see with your own eyes. Once, one New

  Year's Day, I saw a woman at a door. They had turned her out as a joke, to