Searching for Disaster

  He was a modern-day knight, and her sister was his queen. There was no one else she could think of who deserved happiness more.

  Her father began bringing in the plates of appetizers, uncorking wine, and pouring Izzy's favorite drink, cranberry and seltzer with a twist of lime. Chatter ensued, food was picked at, kids raced around the rooms squealing and giggling in lighthearted play, and Izzy closed her eyes, savoring the moment of just being with family.

  "I'm here! I'm here!" Gen rushed in with Wolfe at her heels. "You better not have eaten all the tomato and mozz!"

  Maria MacKenzie popped out of the kitchen, shaking her head at her husband. "Genevieve, you know I always save you some on the side. Your father can't help it. The mozz balls make him lose his mind."

  They burst into laughter, and Izzy greeted her twin and Wolfe, the love of Gen's life. With his wicked serpent tat that scrolled up his arm and neck and wrapped around his ear, his stinging blue eyes, and his overall hotness factor, he'd caused her some turbulence when they'd first met and she crushed on him hard. Of course, with her drug use, that crush had eventually turned vicious, especially when she realized her twin was his preference. Still, Wolfe never made her feel anything but accepted and loved in his circle, his forgiveness evident in his gaze and smile when he saw her. She had offered him a formal apology during her repentance steps, and he'd just hugged her and said he understood better than she could ever know. "How's Kinnections treating you?" he asked.

  "I really love it. I think I actually see a future there."

  "I'm so glad for you, Izzy." He squeezed her hand and she smiled at him.

  "Thanks."

  "If you two don't start eating and stop gabbing, I can't be expected to save all the plates," her mother warned, giving them a big smile to soften her words.

  They snacked and drank, catching up on everyone's news. When Maria called them to the table, it was filled with all of their favorites for the usual Sunday feast. Bowls of pasta with gravy and meatballs, garlic bread, homemade ravioli, huge bowls of fresh salad drizzled with homemade dressing made of olive oil, infused vinegar, herbs, and of course more garlic. Izzy took some grilled eggplant and a small bowl of pasta, her stomach still not back to normal after her breakup with Liam.

  Actually, nothing was normal any longer.

  She walked around with a hole she couldn't seem to fill. She smiled and did her job at work, but the world around her had dulled, losing its interesting angles and sharp edges she used to enjoy. She spent most nights home with Leia and made sure to go to extra meetings in case her plummet urged her to use.

  But there was no desire for drugs. No desire for anything. She just existed, and in between every action she thought of Liam and what she had thrown away in the pursuit to save him.

  "You're not eating, Isabella," her mother observed.

  "I had a big breakfast," she said, plastering a fake smile on her face. Everyone nodded, but her twin stared at her with pure suspicion.

  After the ravioli-eating contest, they declared her niece Maria the winner and began to clean up. Halfway through, Gen motioned her to follow. Climbing the stairs, they went into their childhood room, still filled with youthful posters of cute pop stars, and still painted the color of Pepto-Bismol. They climbed up on the queen-size bed--which had been the only upgrade for guests--and sat cross-legged. Gen propped her face in her palm. "Tell me everything. Is it Liam?"

  Izzy had already confessed to Gen about their first meeting, getting the puppies together, and falling into a dating-type pattern. But every time her sister tried to get her to tell her the real reason she was freaked out, Izzy changed the subject. "We broke up last week."

  Gen sucked in her breath, studying her face. "Why?"

  Izzy lifted her hands, choking back tears. "I did it. I broke up with him. I was terrified that we'd end up hurting each other. No, that' s a lie. I was terrified I'd hurt him. Yes, I've been clean two years, but he's a cop, and I know how these things work. I met some of his friends at Ray's Billiards and one of them told me he despised drug users and that they were the scourge of the earth. He said addicts can go back to using anytime. And he's right. I'm dangerous."

  "Wait--have you had the desire to use lately?"

  "No. I met with my sponsor and attended an extra meeting but I'm fine."

  "Okay, are you saying Liam didn't trust you not to use?"

  "No, he told me to forget about what Tim said and he confessed he loved me and said he wants a future together. He said I was strong and brave and he didn't care about my past."

  Gen scrunched up her face. "I'm confused. He said all that and you still broke up with him?"

  Ridiculous tears stung her eyes. "Yes. I left him because I can't trust myself. I think he deserves better than me, Gen. I love him too much to hurt him."

  Gen let out a broken cry and held her tight. "Poor baby; I'm so sorry. Listen, I can tell you a whole bunch of things that make perfect sense but I'm not you. I didn't go through your struggles and I can't pretend to know the answers. But I do know exactly who you need to talk to, Izzy."

  She sniffed. "Someone as fucked-up as me? Who?"

  "Dad."

  Izzy looked up. Her sister gazed at her with a touch of sadness. "I haven't told him anything about Liam. Not even Mom."

  "Dad went through something similar, and I really think you should talk to him. Will you do that for me?"

  The idea of telling her father such intimate struggles was hard. She loved him fiercely, but after he'd left, she'd distanced herself for a long while, taking most of her teen years to fully forgive and trust him completely again. She wasn't used to sharing her heart with her father, especially when her twin had been her true confidante.

  But her gut told her to go to him. She nodded. "Yeah. I think I will."

  Gen pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Go now. I'll cover you with the cleanup. You know Lance is going to be knocking on the door, whining because we scurried away before all the plates were washed."

  Izzy laughed. "I love you, Gen."

  "Love you, too."

  Izzy went downstairs with her sister and found her father pretending to fiddle with the dessert tray. She knew he was only wasting precious time until the table was clean and he could steal the first few rainbow cookies. "Dad?"

  He half jumped and looked up guiltily. "Oh, hi, honey. Just trying to help get dessert ready."

  "Do you think I can talk to you for a second?"

  He frowned, straightening up. "Of course. It's a mild night. Wanna go on the deck?" She nodded, and they walked out the sliding doors into the brisk fall air. They sat down on matching deck chairs and faced each other. "I'm trying not to be your mom and freak out. Can you just tell me nothing's wrong with your health?"

  "Oh, no, Dad; I'm fine."

  He let out a relieved breath. "Thank God. Okay, hit me with it. I'm good for anything else."

  She smiled, clasping her hands together. "It's about a guy."

  "I know that, sweetheart. I'm your Dad. It's always about a guy."

  A small laugh escaped her. "It's a long story."

  He nodded, his kind eyes gazing at her with a steadiness that soothed. "Then you start at the beginning."

  She did. Izzy told him all about the night they first met, leaving out the details, and took him up to the night she'd left Liam. When she finished, he contemplated her in silence for a long while, seemingly gathering his thoughts.

  Surprise hit when he rubbed his face and she saw a glint of tears shining in his blue eyes. Her heart stopped. "Dad, are you okay? I'm sorry if I upset you."

  He shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize about. I'm going to tell you a story, Izzy. I never shared this with you because you're my daughter, and there're certain things you shouldn't know about your father. When I left all of you and took off, I was in a dark place. You see, my entire life I felt as if there were these demons inside me, hidden somewhere but always ready to spring out. I never felt . . . fulfilled. I l
oved your mother so damn much. I loved you kids. But when I drank, something loosened inside and I thought I felt free. Powerful. It made everything better, and easier, or so I thought. The drinking got so out of control, your mother threw me out, and I took off. I had some terrible moments. I woke up in alleys sometimes. I'd work driving a cab, save up some money, then go on a bender for days.

  "One day, I was driving a cab and picked up this lady to take her to Montefiore Hospital. On the way, she chatted about her life story and then asked me for mine. For some weird reason, I told her I had a family but I'd left them. She said the lure of the bottle was sometimes overpowering but that it was never too late to get my life back. Everything hit me at once. As I drove, I realized I despised myself so much I could never go back. I had lost everything that was important.

  "She repeated her words again to me: It's never too late to get your life back. When I reached the hospital, she handed me a hundred-dollar bill and said, 'Take the first step, Jim. Get your family back.' Then she left.

  "I don't know how she knew my name. I never told her, and my badge was in the glove compartment--I had never put it up. I sat there in the hospital parking lot for a long time, then drove back to Dispatch, took another cab straight to rehab, and checked myself in."

  Izzy held her breath, hand pressed to her mouth. "You never told me."

  "I know. It was a long road back. First I had to forgive myself. Make amends. Take the time to heal my insides, where all the bad stuff lay in wait. You know the process, Izzy. Meetings. Talks with your sponsor. One day at a time. Eventually I got there, and I was allowed to be a husband and a father again. So, let me ask you this. Do you think I deserved to get you all back?"

  She jerked back. "That's a ridiculous question! Of course. It was horrible what you did and how you hurt us, but you've been with us every day. You earned back our trust. I am so grateful to have you as my father."

  "And your mother? Do you think I deserved for her to give me a second chance? To spend the rest of her life wondering if I'd ever make another mistake and leave again?"

  "Dad, she loves you. She made her choice, and you've never let her down. You never will."

  "Then why are you not allowing Liam to make his choice?"

  Her head spun. She stared at her father, trying to process his words and realizing the truth of what he was saying. God, she'd never thought of it like that. Liam tried to tell her many times, but she was too stuck on not hurting him.

  "That night you showed up at the house high and I kicked you out for good, I was destroyed. Not because of your sins, but because of mine. I felt responsible and guilty. I thought it was my genes that were damaged and I was terrified I'd made you into what I had been."

  "No. Look at Gen and Alexa and Lance. They're fine. It was me. Something inside me was . . . different."

  "I know. You're like me. I hated it. Maybe that's why I was always so much harder on you than Gen. I thought I could save you, but I couldn't."

  "Dad, there was nothing you could have done. I made my own path, and there were plenty of times I could have made other choices. I had opportunities not to use. I chose my path, and it has nothing to do with you."

  "Yes, I know. But a father only wants to protect his daughter at all costs."

  "I'm afraid," she whispered. "Afraid I'm not good enough for him. Afraid I'll hurt him. Afraid I'll be weak one day and use again and destroy everything."

  "I'm afraid, too. But trying to protect people by being afraid is wrong and against everything they're trying to teach us. We're addicts, Izzy. But we're people, too. We screw up and cause pain, but we also fight through the bad stuff. We love fiercely and try hard and do everything we can to be the best of what we are. God forgives you. We forgive you. You told me you forgive yourself, but if that were really true, you'd let Liam love you."

  Yes. She hadn't allowed him to love her. She'd pushed him away, refused to talk about their relationship, and generally belittled his feelings. Still, he stuck by her, wanted her, loved her. Even to the last second when she walked away from him.

  Dear God, what had she done?

  "Personally, I think Liam is very lucky to have you. You're an extraordinary person. We don't realize that almost every person we meet has a story. Something in life tries to break them. Sometimes life succeeds, but if we fight back and eventually find redemption, do you really think we should be punished for the rest of our lives?"

  No. She closed her eyes and reached deep inside, to that inner core of darkness that lay quietly in wait.

  She found silence there. Kindness. And the knowledge she deserved to love and be loved.

  "I know what I have to do now, Daddy," she said, opening her eyes. "Thank you for helping me."

  She rose from the chair and hugged her father, and they held each other for a while.

  "I expect him to be introduced at Sunday dinner next week," he muttered.

  Izzy laughed and hugged him tighter.

  chapter thirteen

  DEVINE PULLED UP to his driveway and froze.

  Her car was here.

  Dizziness overcame him. He stared at the closed door and wondered why she was here. It had been two horrible, painful, grueling weeks since she'd walked away from him, and he was still barely surviving.

  Even Stone was worried. He'd brought over a casserole Arilyn had made, as if someone had died and food would make things right.

  Something had died--his heart.

  And nothing would make it right again.

  He couldn't do this again. He'd fought as hard as possible and still lost. Because the battle was within her, and until she figured it out, he was helpless. And if she was here just for sex, well, hell, he was throwing her out. He was better than just a guy with a dick, able to give her a good time. He fucking loved her and she'd fucking left him. Hell, she could be standing naked in there, and he'd just calmly tell her to please leave, because he wasn't going through this type of agony again.

  Love truly sucked.

  Temper fueling his body, he got out of the car and marched into the house. It was time to take back his damn key, too, so she couldn't do any of these magical appearances to tear him up. Men had rights, too. Where was it written that women were always the ones who got stepped on and abused in a romantic relationship? Or used for sex and lighthearted fun?

  He was done. Finito. Over and out.

  Devine swung open the door, slammed it behind him, walked a few steps in, and got ready to demand she get the hell out of his house.

  And then he saw her.

  She was in a skimpy gold lame bikini, exactly like in the scene with Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi.

  Posed in front of the fireplace, Leia and Han tangled and playing at her feet, she stood before him in perfect, mouthwatering, Eve-like sensuality. His gaze roved over the thrust of her breasts and the tiny triangles that barely covered her nipples. Her tat sat perfectly on the top of her right breast. The slope of her stomach, the hourglass of her hips. A minuscule piece of fabric covered her pussy, just enough to make a man ache to slip his hand underneath to find the hot, wet honey beyond. Smooth, golden skin displayed her glory in the flickering light of the fire behind her. She stood with her legs braced apart, like a warrior princess ready to do battle.

  Her hair was curled and let loose to run wild around her shoulders. Her lips were painted a deep scarlet, moist and ready for his kiss. She remained still with perfect grace, waiting for him to get over his complete shock that immobilized his feet but not his dick.

  Oh no, not his dick. That appendage had grown to full staff and was trying to strangle itself in his uniform. She was his fantasy come to life a few feet away, ready for him to take her.

  "Liam--"

  "I forgive you."

  He closed the distance between them, even as he was attacked by the joyous greetings of the twin terrors. They leaped on his feet, slowing down every step, but his gaze was focused on only her.

  A husky, sexy laugh escaped
her lush lips. "No, Liam, I have to tell you some important things first."

  "How about later?"

  She threw her arms out and backed up, shaking her head so those silky waves lifted and brushed her naked shoulders. The straps barely held her straining breasts. He wondered if he made her leap back again if her breasts would escape their confinement.

  "Liam, wait! Please let me talk first and then you can do anything you want to me."

  "Anything?" he growled. "You have two minutes. And talk simply, because all the blood has left my brain and gone elsewhere."

  "I love you. I love you with my heart and my soul and my body. You are everything I've ever wanted in my life, and I've been stupid--so stupid and afraid. All this time I've been trying to protect you I've really been trying to protect myself. By believing I'd never be good enough, I had a rational reason not to take a leap of faith with you."

  "I agree." He took a step forward. "Go on."

  "I don't want to live without you. And maybe I'll always be scared of what could be, or of using again, but I refuse to insult me or you by embracing weakness. Because I'm not weak, Liam. I'm strong. And maybe I screwed up before and didn't choose you, but dammit, I'll never make that mistake again. I'll choose you every time. If you'll have me. If I'm not too late. And I'll do whatever I need to prove I'm not going anywhere ever again. Okay?"

  "Okay."

  He reached her, snagged her around the waist, and pulled her in. His kiss was animalistic as raw hunger tore through his system at the first hot, sweet taste of her. As his tongue thrust deep between her lips, she gave it all back to him, shoving her fingers in his hair and pressing her body flat against his chest. His hands roved over her half-naked body, starved for the feel of her, as the puppies nipped at their heels and jumped frantically for attention.

  "If I had known this thing worked so well, I would've invested in it a while ago," she gasped, arching up and offering her delicious mouth for surrender.

  "Where'd you get it?"

  "Costume store."

  "I feel dizzy. Gonna pass out if I don't get you to the bedroom. Now." He lifted her up high, and she wrapped her legs around his hips as he stumbled to the bedroom, the puppies following and almost tripping him a few times. He gave up grace for speed and pressed her down on the bed, his fingers furiously working to pull off his uniform while he pressed kisses over her neck, her breasts, her stomach.