Seriously... I'm Kidding

  We all spend so much time comparing ourselves to each other. Everyone is running around trying to keep up with the Joneses. Who are the Joneses anyway? Why are we trying to keep up with them? I’m sure they’re not perfect. We don’t need to keep up with them. It’s hard enough to keep up with the Kardashians.

  And people compare everything. It’s not just clothing. It’s who has a bigger house, who drives a faster car, who has a better job. People compare their bodies to other people, and not only that, they compare what’s on their bodies. Have you ever gotten a bruise or a scratch or a paper cut and shown someone else what happened? People immediately start stripping off their clothing to compare injuries.

  I once went into work and showed some producers a little bruise I got. The next thing I knew it was like Girls Gone Wild in my office. People were lifting up their shirts, rolling up their pants. Socks were coming off. “You think that’s bad—I walked into a tree yesterday!” “I banged my hip on a car door!” “I sat on a fork!” Don’t need to see it.

  People were showing me scars and beauty marks that were not at all beautiful. I’m gonna tell you all right now—even if your beauty mark is in the shape of a prize ribbon, I don’t need to see it. (Same goes for stretch marks, ladies. When you say “Look what my kids did to me,” I expect to see gum in your hair, not your whole midsection. And no, I will not rub cocoa butter on it.)

  Anyway, all I’m saying is I don’t see the sense in comparing ourselves to other people all the time. It’s not about being better than anyone else or having nicer things or bigger fork marks on your behind.

  I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush. I think it’s so much better to stand out in some way and to set yourself apart from the masses. It would be so boring to look out into the world and see hundreds of people who look and think exactly like me. If I wanted that, I could just sit in front of a mirror and admire my own reflection all day. That’s already how I spend my mornings. I don’t need to spend all of my time doing that.

  And who’s to say what’s better or worse anyway? Who’s to even say what’s normal or average? We’re all different people and we’re allowed to be different from one another. If someone ever says you’re weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don’t curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hat. That’ll show them.

  Haiku

  Haiku sounds like I’m

  Saying hi to someone named

  Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

  Stretching

  There’s one thing that should be essential to everyone’s daily routine. I’m sorry, two things: watching my talk show and stretching. Feel free to stretch while you watch my talk show, if you think it’s possible to take your eyes off me for even a second.

  Stretching can apply to so many different areas of our lives. Not only should we literally stretch our bodies so that things are less likely to snap off, we should also stretch our minds. I think it’s so important to keep our minds active and to constantly be learning new things. We shouldn’t just stop at high school. I mean, technically I did. But you understand what I’m saying.

  There are a lot of different ways to keep our minds active. A lot of people do crossword puzzles. Those are great for stimulating your brain. And other people love doing those really complicated and confusing puzzles where you have to place all the numbers and they have to add up. What’s that called? Oh yeah, math.

  I like to stretch my mind by reading and writing and watching educational TV shows like The Bachelor to learn the complex mating rituals of heterosexuals.

  Portia recently decided to learn something new. She taught herself how to cook. She didn’t take any lessons or classes or anything. She just figured it out on her own. And I know what you’re thinking—uh-oh. But she’s really good at it. Cooking isn’t an easy skill to learn. It can be very dangerous. There’s fire, there’s steam, there are sharp, sharp knives. Portia is down to three fingers but she never gave up and that’s why I love her.

  I think it’s great that she started to cook. Mostly because I can’t. And it’s nice to have one person in the relationship who cooks because that way we can share responsibilities in the kitchen, like a lot of couples do. Portia cooks and I clean. Just kidding. I don’t clean. That’s gross.

  But I do think it’s great that she was so excited to learn something new. I recommend it to everybody. Learn a new instrument. Learn to paint. Learn puppetry. Or you can just learn new facts. I can teach you a few things right now that you might not know. First of all, did you know that a snail can sleep for three years? That’s why they move so slowly when they’re awake. They’re groggy. Did you know that raccoons have such nimble fingers they can not only open garbage can lids and turn doorknobs, they can untie shoelaces? Now you know why they’re so good at putting on eyeliner.

  Doesn’t it feel nice to stretch your mind a little bit? Now that you’ve done that, it’s time to move on to your body. Yoga is a great way to stretch your body. I try to do it every morning because it’s a great way to start the day. It gives me a lot of energy and now that I’ve been doing it for a while I’m pretty good at it. My downward dog is so excellent, I can’t show it on daytime television.

  There are all different kinds of yoga. There’s power yoga. There’s Bikram yoga, which makes you sweat a lot because it’s done in very hot rooms. You can always tell who does Bikram yoga because they’re stinky. But all yoga is based on Hatha yoga, which is what I do, and Hatha yoga is based on watching animals stretch in nature. I know what you’re thinking. “Ellen, I’ve seen my dog stretch out in certain ways to clean himself and I don’t want to do that.” That’s not the part yoga focuses on.

  The word “yoga” literally means “uniting,” because when you’re doing it you’re uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, “Ouch, that hurts,” and your body will say, “I know.” And your mind will think, “You have to get out of this position.” And your body will say, “I agree with you, but I can’t right now. I think I’m stuck.”

  Another thing that is great for stretching out your mind and body is meditation. It helps improve your memory and it increases blood flow. It forces you to calm down and relax. There are a lot of different ways to meditate. You can do it by yourself, or you can do it with other people. I’m still talking about meditation. You can do it anywhere. All you have to do is close your eyes. So you probably shouldn’t do it while you’re driving or operating heavy machinery, but otherwise you’re good to go.

  Meditation requires a lot of focus and sometimes it is easy to get distracted. I’ve tried taking classes because I think it’s easier to meditate with other people. Being surrounded by good energy helps me focus and find positivity and happiness. But even then, I always want to open my eyes. Especially because there’s incense burning and I always think the room is on fire. So instead of focusing on my inner joy, I focus on trying to remember where the closest exits are. At some point, I do tend to open my eyes for a second just to see if the room’s on fire. Of course it isn’t but when my eyes are open I see two other people with their eyes open and I wonder how long they’ve had them open. Then I notice the giant gong and I think, “I wonder what happened to The Gong Show.” Chuck Barris hosted that show. What about that other Chuck? Not Chuck Barry. Chuck Woolery. He hosted the Love Connection. He did “two and two.” I wonder who came up with that. Did he? Was it a producer? Did he not know there was a number called “four”? That makes me start thinking about the number four. It’s interesting that “four” is spelled f-o-u-r but “forty” is spelled f-o-r-t-y. Then of course I immediately think about building a couch fort. Maybe I should build a couch fort on the set of my show and have my guests talk to me inside the fort. That would be fun and entertaining and we should probably do it in our pajamas.

  Once I realize that my mind has started to wander I stop and try to do what I’m s
upposed to do when that happens—focus on the third eye. Guess what? That makes me think about how great it would be to have a third eye. Would I want it on my forehead or on the back of my head? Maybe on the top of my head. No, ’cause of rain. What if my lips were eyes? Then I’d get a lot more crumbs in my eyes, but I’d be able to get a really good look at what I’m eating. Just as I’m designing a pair of sunglasses in my head for my lip-eyes, the teacher hits the gong and I jump. I almost yell, “Oh my God!” but because I’m smart I yell, “Ohmmmmm!” I’m the only one chanting, but the class just thinks I’m really into meditation. The ohm actually calms me down so I leave feeling great. I’m peaceful, relaxed, and in a great mood. And now you see why it’s so great to meditate.

  Not to mention how much I think my memory has improved. It used to be terrible. I was never very good at remembering people—even people I had met before and even people who had been a guest on my show. I could spend an entire night at a fancy Hollywood party talking to someone and when Portia would ask, “Who did you talk to?” I would have to shrug and say, “It was either Marcia Cross or Zac Efron.”

  Now my memory is much, much better. I’ll tell you more about that in a second. My phone’s ringing. I’ll be right back.

  Meditation

  Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel better?

  Guided Meditation

  Let’s begin by getting in a comfortable position.

  Sit or lie down and close your eyes.

  Or if you’re driving, keep your eyes open and fast forward through this chapter.

  Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn’t that smell nice hopefully?

  Now exhale through your mouth.

  If you’re on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose face you just blew in.

  Quietly say, “I’m sorry I just blew in your face.”

  And relax.

  Feel your breath moving through your body.

  We’re inhaling energy. And we’re exhaling stress.

  Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic… or flight delays… or bad service at a restaurant… or frustration with your boss… or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend… or money woes… or getting your car towed… or losing at Scrabble… or getting left at the altar… or finding out about a wheat allergy… or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer… or depression.

  Don’t dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.

  Say good-bye negative thoughts. We’ll see you another time.

  Now relax your mind.

  You’re in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of grass and no ticks.

  It’s peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the meadow.

  Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow. I shouldn’t have said snakes.

  Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there’s someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don’t be.

  Today it’s not annoying. Today it’s peaceful.

  Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that. You’re floating. Are you scared of heights? Don’t think about that.

  Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don’t care. Let your wallet go.

  A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go. You didn’t need that money.

  You’re floating peacefully above the meadow.

  As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn’t bite you. So you’re breathing out relief.

  Feel the energy around you.

  Now you’re floating above water. There’s a creek in the meadow. Or it might be a brook. You don’t know the difference, maybe there isn’t one. You don’t care.

  Just picture the creek-brook. Its winding path piercing the meadow. The sun bouncing off the rocks. Don’t think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.

  As you approach the water you see a bridge. It’s a bridge that leads to happiness.

  To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape.

  Now you have magical powers. You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.

  As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.

  It’s unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.

  Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don’t let anyone take your cape. It’s yours.

  People will try to take your cape out of jealousy, but don’t let them.

  On the other side of the bridge, they’re showing classic reruns of The Love Boat.

  Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.

  Be careful and good luck.

  Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

  Never make your bed with a monkey in it.

  Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move your chair.

  There’s no attractive way to get a cherry pit out of your mouth.

  When making a right turn onto a busy street, always check the crosswalk for children’s imaginary friends.

  Everyone looks better in fuchsia.

  If you have portraits of yourself up all over your house, people are going to think you’re conceited. Replace them with portraits of me.

  When moving heavy objects, I know they say to lift with your knees. I’ve always found it easier to lift with my arms.

  Rest rooms are not for resting.

  When your eye twitches, it means your body wants you to wink rapidly at whomever is sitting across from you.

  If you like winning, never play hide-and-seek with a chipmunk.

  Answering every question with “You got it, girlfriend!” can apparently be irritating to others.

  “Kerfuffle” is an actual word.

  At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way.

  American Idol, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

  I have been a genuine fan of American Idol since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it’s always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room.

  Everyone asks me about my time as a judge on Idol. People want to know what it’s really like to be there, what Ryan is like, and what Simon is like. I’ll say this about them: Ryan is truly a workaholic. He never stops. You don’t see this watching from home, but during commercial breaks he goes around the audience selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And as for Simon—you can’t always believe what you see. I know he comes across a certain way on TV, but in real life—and I don’t mean to shock you—he’s actually completely hairless.

  When I first agreed to do the show, I thought it was going to be a lot of fun because, first of all, what great seats. You’re right there in the front row. You’re seeing everything live as it happens. You get unlimited refills of Vitaminwater. It seemed like a terrific idea.

  But then reality set in and things changed. My schedule got crazy. Pressure started building. Randy kept calling me “dude.” It was just very different from what I was originally expecting. I guess if I had to sum up my experience in one word, it would be “funfficult.” It was really fun, but it was hard.

  To give you a little sense of what my schedule was like during that year, I can walk you through a typical day. Normally, I tape my talk show at four o’clock every afternoon. I have all day to prepare and rehearse, and then from four to five I tape the show straight through. A little secret about my show is that I tape it a day in advance of it airing on television. So when you’re watching my show, let’s say on a Wednesday, it’s actually Tuesday for me. Your today is
always my tomorrow and your yesterday is my today. Your last night is my tonight and your tomorrow is my two-days-from-now. But American Idol is always live. So I think you see what I’m saying. I never knew what day it was or where the hell I was.

  To accommodate my schedule during Idol, we would tape my talk show at 2:30 instead of 4:00. That way we ended at 3:30 and I could jump in my car and drive across town to the Idol studios. It was always very stressful to get there on time since it’s a live show, but luckily I’m pretty good at maneuvering through traffic. You just have to drive on the less-crowded streets. Well, not streets. Sidewalks.

  Once I got to Idol, I would change out of my daytime talk show host outfit (casual chic), change into my prime-time outfit (judge’s robe), and get prime-time hair and makeup (powdered wig, sex kitten eyes, etc.). Then I’d run onstage for the five o’clock show. Everyone there seemed to have a very busy schedule, and I assume that’s why Simon never had time to button his shirt up all the way.

  As hectic as my schedule was, the bottom line is that I don’t like judging people and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. That was the hardest part of being on that show for me. It was always easy for me to sit at home in my pajamas and critique performances, but when I was sitting at that judges’ table ten feet away from kids who have put their heart and soul into the competition and they’re staring at me hoping I’ll say something nice and Simon’s sitting next to me caressing my leg under the table, it was just difficult. I felt awful saying anything negative, so sometimes I would end up saying things like, “That was great” when really I wanted to say, “Uh-oh.”