Cat

  school. Compared to ours, it sounded exciting to be

  there every day. I sat back on Kelly's bed and listened

  and watched as they played music, smoked, drank

  some more rum and Coke, always filling my cup as well. We devoured the pizza when it was delivered. I laughed a lot and for a while, I felt so happy and good. I especially enjoyed the girls' conversation when they made fun of the sisters and our life in the parochial school. For me this was like being in another country. I was shocked by some of the things

  said, of course, but I tried not to show it.

  "I didn't want to smoke, but they were all doing

  it and it seemed impossible not to do something

  everyone else was doing. Vaguely, I thought, my

  mother was right about peer pressure. It is the

  strongest thing, but I shook that idea out of my head

  or to be more honest, the rum drowned it.

  "Something happened in that confused brain of

  mine. Suddenly, everyone looked so silly to me. I

  started to laugh at the way Michael rolled his eyes

  after sipping his drink and puffing his cigarette, taking

  such care to look cool and sophisticated about it. He

  raised his eyebrows into question marks and looked at

  me, and then I laughed again and it felt like a dam had

  broken. I couldn't stop giggling. That struck them

  funny and they laughed too, which only made me

  laugh harder until tears began to stream down my

  face.

  "Frankie suddenly sat beside me and slipped his

  arm around my shoulders.

  "'I better hold her before she breaks apart. She's

  jiggling too much!' he cried and they all roared. It

  seemed no one could stop the roller coaster. He held

  me tighter and tighter and soon I could see the faces

  of the other two boys change a little. They stopped

  laughing and suddenly looked intensely interested in

  me. Kelly, Talia, and Jill drew closer to each other

  and watched, whispering. What were they all looking

  at? I wondered, and then gazed down and saw that

  Frankie had his hand in my blouse. One of the buttons

  of my blouse had come undone and he was undoing

  another and another.

  "For a moment even I was confused about it.

  Then his fingers lifted the underside of my bra and

  exposed my breast.

  "'Let's see if everything's all right,' he declared. "'Stop!' I screamed and pulled away, but when I

  rose, I stumbled into Tony's arms, only instead of

  catching me, he put his hands on my bosom and held

  me up that way, his left hand smack over my naked

  breast.

  "'It's all right. Yeah,' he declared. Everyone was

  laughing, even the girls.

  "'My turn!' Michael said coming up behind me.

  'There's enough for all of us.'

  "He reached over and cupped my breasts,

  lifting my bra off the left side, too, and pulled me

  back against him I lost my footing and slid down his

  body to the floor. Everyone kept laughing, but I

  started crying and that finally ended it.

  "The girls took me to the bathroom where I

  threw up. They helped me clean up and kept assuring

  me it was all right and the boys would behave now. I

  had such a splitting headache, but all I could think

  was my mother would find out everything. I went into

  a crying jag.

  "The boys left shortly afterward, maybe

  because they were afraid of getting in trouble, and

  things quieted down. Kelly's parents came home. Her

  father looked a little suspicious when he saw me

  sitting in practically a coma on the bed, but he didn't

  ask any questions, even though I imagined I looked

  very pale. The girls assured me they couldn't smell

  any rum on me. I went outside with Kelly and Talia

  and took deep breaths of air until I felt well enough to

  chance calling my mother.

  "'I hope you don't say anything about this,'

  Kelly warned me. 'You'll get me in a lot of trouble and

  you'll only get yourself in trouble, too.'

  "'You should have told me what was going to

  happen,' I scolded.

  "'Don't be a prude,' Talia said. 'You had a good

  time, didn't you?'

  "I remember looking at her as if she was crazy.

  Boys had molested me. I had thrown up. I had a good

  time?

  " 'No,' I said sullenly.

  "I was so frightened when my mother came, I

  don't know how I walked out and got into the car. 'How was the dinner?' she asked immediately.

  "'Very nice,' I said.

  "'Did they serve fish?'

  "'No,' I said. At least that wasn't a lie. "'And did you behave? Did you follow all the

  rules of etiquette? Oh, did they start with grace?' she

  asked quickly before I could answer her other

  questions.

  "I thought for a moment and said, 'Yes. It all

  happened the way you told me it might.'

  "It was dark in the car so she wasn't able to

  search my eyes and see the deception. I bit down on

  my lip and held my breath in anticipation.

  "However, she liked hearing she was right to

  teach me all about dinner etiquette and such and for the remainder of the ride home, she congratulated

  herself on being wise enough to prepare me well. "'Your father wouldn't know the first thing

  about it,' she told me, 'despite his sophistication in

  business.

  When he saw all I had done for you, he laughed

  and thought it was ridiculous. Now he'll see,' she said

  nodding. 'Now we'll see how smug he is.'

  "When we arrived home, I was able to go right

  upstairs, claiming I was tired. She didn't question it.

  She was too eager to tell my father how well she had

  prepared me for the dinner. I crawled into bed as

  quickly as I could. When I thought about what had

  happened, I cried. How embarrassing it was and how

  terrible it was that the other girls didn't come to my

  defense. It was almost as if I had been invited there

  just to be abused. When would I ever have a real

  friend, someone who cared about me and my feelings? "It made me feel so dirty to recall their hands

  over me. I think that was a major reason why my

  stomach turned over and I got so sick, that and the

  rum. How much had I drunk? Did the girls know what

  the boys were doing to me and let them?"

  "I wish we knew you then," Star piped up. "I'd

  pay them a visit for you."

  "Very immature behavior," Jade commented. "It was cruel," Misty agreed.

  "The hardest thing about having something

  unpleasant happen to you is having no one to tell at

  the time," I told them. "It festers like a sore, an

  infection; it buzzes around in your head and your

  heart. I tossed and turned and fretted through

  nightmares for nights after that and I couldn't face the

  other girls at school. I knew they were talking about

  me, spreading stories, exaggerating, claiming I had

  gotten drunk and exposed myself in front of the boys

  and embarrassed them. Kelly avoided me and I felt

  even worse because of the way some of the other girls

  were now looking at me."
r />   "Why would they lie about her like that?" Misty

  asked Jade.

  "To protect themselves in case she did tell

  someone the truth. Right?" Jade asked Star.

  "Sounds like it. I would have pulled out their

  tongues at that point," Star said.

  "It would only make them look right," Jade

  asserted.

  "Maybe because of the way things were at

  school, my nightmares continued. I had no appetite at

  dinner, but I had to force myself to eat so my mother wouldn't ask any questions. The hardest thing was she kept asking me about Kelly's parents, the house, things they said, and I had to make up as much as I could. I got away with it because I told my mother I had followed her directions and not asked too many questions. I kept thinking, Soon, soon she's going to realize I'm lying and the whole horrible thing will

  come out.

  "That gave me even more nightmares. Many

  nights I would find myself awake, practically sitting

  up, listening to the scream die in my throat. In dreams

  I felt spiders crawling over me, dozens and dozens of

  them. They covered my breasts and reached as high as

  my chin.

  "When I was a little girl and I had bad dreams,

  my mother would sometimes come to see me, but she

  never held me or kissed me. Instead, she tried to teach

  me how to block out unpleasantness. She told me to

  count until I was so tired, I would fall asleep again.

  Reluctantly, because I begged her, she would leave a

  light on in the bathroom.

  "One night nearly two weeks after the

  disastrous party at Kelly's and all the questions and

  lying, I heard my door open and close and my father

  stood in the darkness at my bedside.

  "'What's wrong?' he asked 'I thought I heard

  you cry out when I came up from getting myself a

  glass of milk.'

  "He did that if he ever had any trouble sleeping.

  He once told me that sometimes numbers from the

  stock market keep playing as if he had a ticker tape

  machine in his head as soon as he closed his eyes. "I just turned my head into the pillow until I felt

  his hand on my shoulder and felt him sit on my bed. "'Something wrong with my special girl?' he

  asked. I couldn't help myself. I started to cry again.

  He stroked my hair and waited.

  " 'What is it?' he asked. 'You can tell me. Did

  someone do something or say something that upset

  you?'

  "'Yes,' I admitted in a small voice.

  "'Yes what?' he demanded. 'It's better you tell

  me,' he added.

  "I swallowed down my tears and quietly told

  him what had happened at Kelly's house. He listened

  without speaking, but I could feel his eyes fixed

  firmly on me, even in the dark.

  "'Is it my fault?' I wanted to know. 'Am I bad?' "'No, no,' he said, and then he leaned over and

  put his lips to my ear and added, 'There's good touching and bad. You shouldn't be afraid of the good

  or be ashamed of it.

  "'Boys who grope girls are bad. It doesn't make

  you feel good inside, right?'

  "'No,' I agreed. He was definitely right about

  that, and if he was right about that, why wouldn't he

  be right about the rest of it?

  "'Good touching is gentle, soft,' he said and as

  he spoke, he showed me.

  "'Close your eyes,' he said. 'That's it. You

  shouldn't be afraid to sleep,' he whispered. His hands

  were under my nightgown and he moved his fingers

  softly, gently over me as he chanted, 'Be still, be

  happy. See, this is good touching It's like petting a

  dog or a cat,' he said, 'and you know how that pleases

  them. See, it's pleasing you. You'll sleep now.' "His touching didn't relax me. It felt like a tense

  wire was coiling tighter and tighter inside my

  stomach. His hands were soft, gentle, but they were

  moving everywhere, and it made me even more

  nervous than I already had been.

  "'Easy,' he said when I tried to squirm away.

  'You've got to relax your body and not be afraid of

  good feelings.'

  "I kept myself as still as I could.

  "'That's it,' he said. 'That's better. See?' "My body felt tense. I tried to keep my eyes

  closed and go to sleep, but it was hard to relax with

  him still touching me. Finally, he stopped and stood

  up.

  "'Good night,' he whispered. 'We'll keep it all

  secret,' he promised. 'All that's happened will be part

  of our big special secret. Don't worry. Your mother

  doesn't have to know. It would only upset her anyway

  and we don't want to do that, do we? Cathy?' "He needed to hear my answer. My voice

  cracked, but I managed.

  "'No,' I said. My heartbeat was so quick, I

  couldn't catch my breath.

  "Moments later, he was gone and I fell into a

  pool of confusion, my body in a turmoil and yet, I was

  happy I was still able to be my daddy's special girl,

  happy I wasn't a bad girl in his eyes."

  I paused. The three were so still, their eyes

  unmoving, their lips frozen.

  "Well," Doctor Marlowe said after a moment,

  "why don't we take another break and I'll see about

  lunch."

  No one moved; no one spoke.

  "Anyone need to go to the bathroom or

  anything?"

  "I do," Misty said rising. She looked at me.

  "Unless you have to go first."

  "No, I'm fine," I said.

  The rain had started. The wind blew drops

  against the window and they zigzagged their way

  down like crooked tears. When I looked back at Jade,

  she was staring at the floor. Star was gazing out the

  window. She looked so deep in thought it made my

  heart skip a beat. Their silence was louder than the

  thunder rolling in from the storm.

  Despite feeling somewhat drained, I still

  thought I could do this. Doctor Marlowe had brought

  me to this stage in my therapy, holding my hand,

  consoling me and building my confidence until I

  thought it would be all right, but as I looked at the

  others, I suddenly wondered, can they do it? What

  nightmares and fears had I stirred in their vaults of

  horrid memories?

  The four of us were chained together by our

  pain now, and the trembling one felt reached through

  the hearts of the next and the next and the next until

  we all trembled together. Was it good to share or was

  it cruel?

  Every question raised another.

  Answers taunted us with promises just like

  beautiful fish beneath the water, and when we reached

  too quickly or too deeply, they were gone in a flash,

  leaving us waiting, searching, hoping for another

  opportunity.

  How could we not be afraid they would never

  come back, even to taunt us?

  6

  "I hate days like this," Jade said after a long moment of silence. "I know it hardly rains here compared to most other places, and I guess I'm spoiled, but I can't stand this dreary weather."

  "I don't mind it so much," Misty said. "Unless it's day after day."

  "Granny hates it because it stirs up her aches and pains," Star said.

&n
bsp; "Too many days look gray and gloomy to me without the clouds and rain," Jade admitted.

  "It's not that bad," Misty insisted. Jade didn't like to be contradicted.

  "I suppose if you live like a child in a fantasy world, it doesn't matter," she said, fixing her gaze on Misty.

  "I don't live in a fantasy world and I don't live like a child."

  "We all do," I said and they turned to me. "I mean, if you aren't happy with things, you daydream a lot, don't you? I do," I confessed. "And you've all described doing it in one way or another, too."

  "Cat's right," Star said, nodding. She glanced at Jade. "There's no point lying to each other just because everyone else lies to us."

  "I spend a lot of time in my room, alone, just . . . dreaming," I told them, "a lot of time. That's what made my parents want me to see Doctor Marlowe in the first place. I hated stepping out the front door, hated going to school, just hated leaving the house at all. I missed a lot of school, claiming headaches and stomach cramps or just being too tired. It got so bad the nuns were talking to my mother about getting me a home tutor, and you know how much she would hate having a stranger in our home every day."

  "Do you have a nice house?" Misty asked.

  "It's okay, but it's nothing like this. We've got a good size backyard: The property's walled-in with oleander bushes growing up the walls to give us lots of privacy. My mother's always planting something that will close it in more. Mostly it's just grass and a couple of grapefruit and lemon trees. My father used to talk about building a pool. My mother would ask, 'What for?' and he would look at her as if he was giving it lots of thought and then say, `To swim in.'

  "'It's too much work,' my mother muttered, 'and with your schedule, who's going to do it?'

  "He said he would hire someone just like everyone else he knew who had a pool, but the discussion usually ended with that and nothing was ever done.

  "I used to think if we had a pool, I could invite some girls over, but then I thought, what kind of bathing suit would my mother approve? Certainly not a bikini, and who would I invite anyway and suppose I found some girls who would come and they wore bikinis Mother would ask them to leave."

  "Well, if you invited friends over now, you could hang out in your bedroom, right?" Misty asked, and I wondered if she would ever want to visit.

  "I suppose. You all would probably think my room was too plain. I don't have any posters or pictures up. It's probably not as big as yours or Jade's, but at least it has two big windows that face east so I get the morning sunlight. I have a pinkish gray rug and a double bed with a mahogany headboard and two posts at the foot of the bed. Beside the mirror and dresser, I have my desk, another dresser and bookshelves built into the wall. I don't have a television set or a phone in the room. My mother would never permit either. She says they're both bad influences on young people."