Collected Short Stories: Volume 1

  ‘Only you mustn’t get any heavier, darling,’ said Mrs Richman.

  ‘And for goodness’ sake make certain of his bridge,’ said Miss Hickson.

  They saw for her a man of about fifty, but well-preserved and of distinguished carriage, an admiral on the retired list and a good golfer, or a widower without encumbrances, but in any case with a substantial income. Arrow listened to them amiably, and kept to herself the fact that this was not at all her idea. It was true that she would have liked to marry again, but her fancy turned to a dark slim Italian with flashing eyes and a sonorous title or to a Spanish don of noble lineage; and not a day more than thirty. There were times when, looking at herself in her mirror, she was certain she did not look any more than that herself.

  They were great friends, Miss Hickson, Mrs Richman, and Arrow Sutcliffe. It was their fat that had brought them together and bridge that had cemented their alliance. They had met first at Carlsbad, where they were staying at the same hotel and were treated by the same doctor who used them with the same ruthlessness. Beatrice Richman was enormous. She was a handsome woman, with fine eyes, rouged cheeks, and painted lips. She was very well content to be a widow with a handsome fortune. She adored her food. She liked bread and butter, cream, potatoes, and suet puddings, and for eleven months of the year ate pretty well everything she had a mind to, and for one month went to Carlsbad to reduce. But every year she grew fatter. She upbraided the doctor, but got no sympathy from him. He pointed out to her various plain and simple facts.

  ‘But if I’m never to eat a thing I like, life isn’t worth living,’ she expostulated.

  He shrugged his disapproving shoulders. Afterwards she told Miss Hickson that she was beginning to suspect he wasn’t so clever as she had thought. Miss Hickson gave a great guffaw. She was that sort of woman. She had a deep bass voice, a large flat sallow face from which twinkled little bright eyes; she walked with a slouch, her hands in her pockets, and when she could do so without exciting attention smoked a long cigar. She dressed as like a man as she could.

  ‘What the deuce should I look like in frills and furbelows?’ she said. ‘When you’re as fat as I am you may just as well be comfortable.’

  She wore tweeds and heavy boots and whenever she could went about bareheaded. But she was as strong as an ox and boasted that few men could drive a longer ball than she. She was plain of speech, and she could swear more variously than a stevedore. Though her name was Frances she preferred to be called Frank. Masterful, but with tact, it was her jovial strength of character that held the three together. They drank their waters together, had their baths at the same hour, they took their strenuous walks together, pounded about the tennis court with a professional to make them run, and ate at the same table their sparse and regulated meals. Nothing impaired their good humour but the scales, and when one or other of them weighed as much on one day as she had the day before neither Frank’s coarse jokes, the bonhomie of Beatrice, nor Arrow’s pretty kittenish ways sufficed to dispel the gloom. Then drastic measures were resorted to, the culprit went to bed for twenty-four hours and nothing passed her lips but the doctor’s famous vegetable soup which tasted like hot water in which a cabbage had been well rinsed.

  Never were three women greater friends. They would have been independent of anyone else if they had not needed a fourth at bridge. They were fierce, enthusiastic players and the moment the day’s cure was over they sat down at the bridge table. Arrow, feminine as she was, played the best game of the three, a hard, brilliant game, in which she showed no mercy and never conceded a point or failed to take advantage of a mistake. Beatrice was solid and reliable. Frank was dashing; she was a great theorist, and had all the authorities at the tip of her tongue. They had long arguments over the rival systems. They bombarded one another with Culbertson and Sims. It was obvious that not one of them ever played a card without fifteen good reasons, but it was also obvious from the subsequent conversation that there were fifteen equally good reasons why she should not have played it. Life would have been perfect, even with the prospect of twenty-four hours of that filthy soup when the doctor’s rotten (Beatrice) bloody (Frank) lousy (Arrow) scales pretended one hadn’t lost an ounce in two days, if only there had not been this constant difficulty of finding someone to play with them who was in their class.

  It was for this reason that on the occasion with which this narrative deals Frank invited Lena Finch to come and stay with them at Antibes. They were spending some weeks there on Frank’s suggestion. It seemed absurd to her, with her common sense, that immediately the cure was over Beatrice who always lost twenty pounds should by giving way to her ungovernable appetite put it all on again. Beatrice was weak. She needed a person of strong will to watch her diet. She proposed then that on leaving Carlsbad they should take a house at Antibes, where they could get plenty of exercise – everyone knew that nothing slimmed you like swimming – and as far as possible could go on with the cure. With a cook of their own they could at least avoid things that were obviously fattening. There was no reason why they should not all lose several pounds more. It seemed a very good idea. Beatrice knew what was good for her, and she could resist temptation well enough if temptation was not put right under her nose. Besides, she liked gambling, and a flutter at the Casino two or three times a week would pass the time very pleasantly. Arrow adored Antibes, and she would be looking her best after a month at Carlsbad. She could just pick and choose among the young Italians, the passionate Spaniards, the gallant Frenchmen, and the long-limbed English who sauntered about all day in bathing trunks and gay-coloured dressing-gowns. The plan worked very well. They had a grand time. Two days a week they ate nothing but hard-boiled eggs and raw tomatoes and they mounted the scales every morning with light hearts. Arrow got down to eleven stone and felt just like a girl; Beatrice and Frank by standing in a certain way just avoided the thirteen. The machine they had bought registered kilogrammes, and they got extraordinarily clever at translating these in the twinkling of an eye to pounds and ounces.

  But the fourth at bridge continued to be the difficulty. This person played like a fool, the other was so slow that it drove you frantic, one was quarrelsome, another was a bad loser, a third was next door to a crook. It was strange how hard it was to find exactly the player you wanted.

  One morning when they were sitting in pyjamas on the terrace overlooking the sea, drinking their tea (without milk or sugar) and eating a rusk prepared by Dr Hudebert and guaranteed not to be fattening, Frank looked up from her letters.

  ‘Lena Finch is coming down to the Riviera,’ she said.

  ‘Who’s she?’ asked Arrow.

  ‘She married a cousin of mine. He died a couple of months ago and she’s just recovering from a nervous breakdown. What about asking her to come here for a fortnight?’

  ‘Does she play bridge?’ asked Beatrice.

  ‘You bet your life she does,’ boomed Frank in her deep voice. ‘And a damned good game too. We should be absolutely independent of outsiders.’

  ‘How old is she?’ asked Arrow.

  ‘Same age as I am.’

  ‘That sounds all right.’

  It was settled. Frank, with her usual decisiveness, stalked out as soon as she had finished her breakfast to send a wire, and three days later Lena Finch arrived. Frank met her at the station. She was in deep but not obtrusive mourning for the recent death of her husband. Frank had not seen her for two years. She kissed her warmly and took a good look at her.

  ‘You’re very thin, darling,’ she said.

  Lena smiled bravely.

  ‘I’ve been through a good deal lately. I’ve lost a lot of weight.’

  Frank sighed, but whether from sympathy with her cousin’s sad loss, or from envy, was not obvious.

  Lena was not, however, unduly depressed, and after a quick bath was quite ready to accompany Frank to Eden Roc. Frank introduced the stranger to her two friends and they sat down in what was known as the Monkey House. It was an enclosure covered wi
th glass overlooking the sea, with a bar at the back, and it was crowded with chattering people in bathing costumes, pyjamas, or dressing-gowns, who were seated at the tables having drinks. Beatrice’s soft heart went out to the lorn widow, and Arrow, seeing that she was pale, quite ordinary to look at, and probably forty-eight, was prepared to like her very much. A waiter approached them.

  ‘What will you have, Lena dear?’ Frank asked.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, what you all have, a dry Martini or a White Lady.’

  Arrow and Beatrice gave her a quick look. Everyone knows how fattening cocktails are.

  ‘I daresay you’re tired after your journey,’ said Frank kindly.

  She ordered a dry Martini for Lena and a mixed lemon and orange juice for herself and her two friends.

  ‘We find alcohol isn’t very good in all this heat,’ she explained.

  ‘Oh, it never affects me at all,’ Lena answered airily. ‘I like cocktails.’

  Arrow went very slightly pale under her rouge (neither she nor Beatrice ever wet their faces when they bathed and they thought it absurd of Frank, a woman of her size, to pretend she liked diving) but she said nothing. The conversation was gay and easy, they all said the obvious things with gusto, and presently they strolled back to the villa for luncheon.

  In each napkin were two little antifat rusks. Lena gave a bright smile as she put them by the side of her plate.

  ‘May I have some bread?’ she asked.

  The grossest indecency would not have fallen on the ears of those three women with such a shock. Not one of them had eaten bread for ten years. Even Beatrice, greedy as she was, drew the line there. Frank, the good hostess, recovered herself first.

  ‘Of course, darling,’ she said and turning to the butler asked him to bring some.

  ‘And some butter,’ said Lena in that pleasant easy way of hers.

  There was a moment’s embarrassed silence.

  ‘I don’t know if there’s any in the house,’ said Frank, ‘but I’ll inquire. There may be some in the kitchen.’

  ‘I adore bread and butter, don’t you?’ said Lena, turning to Beatrice.

  Beatrice gave a sickly smile and an evasive reply. The butler brought a long crisp roll of French bread. Lena slit it in two and plastered it with the butter which was miraculously produced. A grilled sole was served.

  ‘We eat very simply here,’ said Frank. ‘I hope you won’t mind.’

  ‘Oh, no, I like my food very plain,’ said Lena as she took some butter and spread it over her fish. ‘As long as I can have bread and butter and potatoes and cream I’m quite happy.’

  The three friends exchanged a glance. Frank’s great sallow face sagged a little and she looked with distaste at the dry, insipid sole on her plate. Beatrice came to the rescue.

  ‘It’s such a bore, we can’t get cream here,’ she said. ‘It’s one of the things one has to do without on the Riviera.’

  ‘What a pity,’ said Lena.

  The rest of the luncheon consisted of lamb cutlets, with the fat carefully removed so that Beatrice should not be led astray, and spinach boiled in water, with stewed pears to end up with. Lena tasted her pears and gave the butler a look of inquiry. That resourceful man understood her at once and though powdered sugar had never been served at that table before handed her without a moment’s hesitation a bowl of it. She helped herself liberally. The other three pretended not to notice. Coffee was served and Lena took three lumps of sugar in hers.

  ‘You have a very sweet tooth,’ said Arrow in a tone which she struggled to keep friendly.

  ‘We think saccharine so much more sweetening,’ said Frank, as she put a tiny tablet of it into her coffee.

  ‘Disgusting stuff,’ said Lena.

  Beatrice’s mouth drooped at the corners, and she gave the lump sugar a yearning look.

  ‘Beatrice,’ boomed Frank sternly.

  Beatrice stifled a sigh, and reached for the saccharine.

  Frank was relieved when they could sit down to the bridge table. It was plain to her that Arrow and Beatrice were upset. She wanted them to like Lena and she was anxious that Lena should enjoy her fortnight with them. For the first rubber Arrow cut with the newcomer.

  ‘Do you play Vanderbilt or Culbertson?’ she asked her.

  ‘I have no conventions,’ Lena answered in a happy-go-lucky way, ‘I play by the light of nature.’

  ‘I play strict Culbertson,’ said Arrow acidly.

  The three fat women braced themselves to the fray. No conventions indeed! They’d learn her. When it came to bridge even Frank’s family feeling was forgotten and she settled down with the same determination as the others to trim the stranger in their midst. But the light of nature served Lena very well. She had a natural gift for the game and great experience. She played with imagination, quickly, boldly, and with assurance. The other players were in too high a class not to realize very soon that Lena knew what she was about, and since they were all thoroughly good-natured, generous women, they were gradually mollified. This was real bridge. They all enjoyed themselves. Arrow and Beatrice began to feel more kindly towards Lena, and Frank, noticing this, heaved a fat sigh of relief. It was going to be a success.

  After a couple of hours they parted, Frank and Beatrice to have a round of golf, and Arrow to take a brisk walk with a young Prince Roocamare whose acquaintance she had lately made. He was very sweet and young and good-looking. Lena said she would rest.

  They met again just before dinner.

  ‘I hope you’ve been all right, Lena dear,’ said Frank. ‘I was rather conscience-stricken at leaving you with nothing to do all this time.’

  ‘Oh, don’t apologize. I had a lovely sleep and then I went down to Juan and had a cocktail. And d’you know what I discovered? You’ll be so pleased. I found a dear little tea-shop where they’ve got the most beautiful thick fresh cream. I’ve ordered half a pint to be sent every day. I thought it would be my little contribution to the household.’

  Her eyes were shining. She was evidently expecting them to be delighted.

  ‘How very kind of you,’ said Frank, with a look that sought to quell the indignation that she saw on the faces of her two friends. ‘But we never eat cream. In this climate it makes one so bilious.’

  ‘I shall have to eat it all myself then,’ said Lena cheerfully.

  ‘Don’t you ever think of your figure?’ Arrow asked with icy deliberation.

  ‘The doctor said I must eat.’

  ‘Did he say you must eat bread and butter and potatoes and cream?’

  ‘Yes. That’s what I thought you meant when you said you had simple food.’

  ‘You’ll get simply enormous,’ said Beatrice.

  Lena laughed gaily.

  ‘No, I shan’t. You see, nothing ever makes me fat. I’ve always eaten everything I wanted to and it’s never had the slightest effect on me.’

  The stony silence that followed this speech was only broken by the entrance of the butler.

  ‘Mademoiselle est servie,’ he announced.

  They talked the matter over late that night, after Lena had gone to bed, in Frank’s room. During the evening they had been furiously cheerful, and they had chaffed one another with a friendliness that would have taken in the keenest observer. But now they dropped the mask. Beatrice was sullen, Arrow was spiteful and Frank was unmanned.

  ‘It’s not very nice for me to sit there and see her eat all the things I particularly like,’ said Beatrice plaintively.

  ‘It’s not very nice for any of us,’ Frank snapped back.

  ‘You should never have asked her here,’ said Arrow.

  ‘How was I to know?’ cried Frank.

  ‘I can’t help thinking that if she really cared for her husband she would hardly eat so much,’ said Beatrice. ‘He’s only been buried two months. I mean, I think you ought to show some respect for the dead.’

  ‘Why can’t she eat the same as we do?’ asked Arrow viciously. ‘She’s a guest.’

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nbsp; ‘Well, you heard what she said. The doctor told her she must eat.’

  ‘Then she ought to go to a sanatorium.’

  ‘It’s more than flesh and blood can stand, Frank,’ moaned Beatrice.

  ‘If I can stand it you can stand it.’

  ‘She’s your cousin, she’s not our cousin,’ said Arrow. ‘I’m not going to sit there for fourteen days and watch that woman make a hog of herself.’

  ‘It’s so vulgar to attach all this importance to food,’ Frank boomed, and her voice was deeper than ever. ‘After all the only thing that counts really is spirit.’

  ‘Are you calling me vulgar, Frank?’ asked Arrow with flashing eyes.

  ‘No, of course she isn’t,’ interrupted Beatrice.

  ‘I wouldn’t put it past you to go down in the kitchen when we’re all in bed and have a good square meal on the sly.’

  Frank sprang to her feet.

  ‘How dare you say that, Arrow! I’d never ask anybody to do what I’m not prepared to do myself. Have you known me all these years and do you think me capable of such a mean thing?’

  ‘How is it you never take off any weight then?’

  Frank gave a gasp and burst into a flood of tears.

  ‘What a cruel thing to say! I’ve lost pounds and pounds.’

  She wept like a child. Her vast body shook and great tears splashed on her mountainous bosom.