Nan's Journey

  “You have been carrying a big burden for such a little girl. Just cry all you want and I’ll hold you while you sleep. My heart breaks for you and all you have been through. I have to admit that I have been shedding grateful tears about Elmer too.”

  Somehow knowing that he felt the same about her little brother slowed the tears. She listened to the steady beating of his heart and slept peacefully.

  Fred heard her sobs slow and finally the soft breathing of deep sleep was evident. This sweet girl-woman was his wife. He was not sorry about that. He was really attached to her. No, he had to admit to himself that he loved her and that he wanted her to love him as a husband. When could or would that ever happen? It felt so right to lie next to her. She was still torn up about the attack. He doubted that she would ever see him as a husband or herself as his wife. She stirred and he smelled the fragrance of her hair. It was a sweet, clean smell. She lay there so trusting in his arms.

  He began to pray. “Lord, thank you for taking care of Elmer. I pray that you will help my little wife too. She has as much poison in her as Elmer did only it ain’t the kind a doctor can get rid of. Heal us all. My own heart isn’t where it ought to be with You, Lord. Show me what to do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.” In a matter of moments he was engulfed in deep sleep also.

  Chapter 18

  After a month of rehabilitation at Nate and Martha’s, Elmer was well. The burns in his mouth had healed and the headaches had not returned. He had a few nights of careful attention from his family and the kind doctor, but he was as good as mended. As the three prepared to go back up to the cabin, Martha had to try to convince Fred to stay in town through the rest of the winter. “Fred, Nan needs to be here with me so that I can give her motherhood instructions. You don’t want her giving birth all alone do you?”

  “Mother, the babe won’t be here until July. We will be back for the birth. We want to go home.”

  Many days of persuasion came and left and the little family was finally at the homestead. Nan hadn’t realized how much she had missed the crisp snowy air of the high Rockies. The sight of the small cabin against the woods made her heart sing. She truly felt that she was at home. The trip back up the mountain was joyous.

  She had never heard Elmer talk so much. In fact, he was quite the chatterbox. He asked so many questions that she was sure Fred would scold him. Fred quietly answered every question. He was kind and patient with the inquisitive little boy. Actually, he was a really good teacher. Nan was learning a lot from listening to the conversation between the two.

  The questions Elmer asked were quite advanced for a young boy. Fred told him of the geology of the rocky crags and formations that miners watched for to find silver and gold. One lesson was of the vegetation on the slopes that they traversed. As they stopped in front of the cabin Elmer asked, “Fred, will eating raw eggs kill a body?”

  Nan had to suppress a smile at the remembrance of the train ride.

  “Elmer, I am sorry to say that everyone who has ever eaten an egg raw or cooked has died.”

  The look on Fred’s face was grave.

  “Really?” Nan gasped.

  “Yep, eventually everybody dies!”

  Elmer was the first to burst into gales of laughter.

  “I should hit you… I don’t know what to say to you!” yelled Nan.

  “What’s the matter? I was just joshing with you!”

  “Nan is mad ‘cause you scared her. She made me eat raw eggs on the train and she even ate some too.”

  “Why did you two eat raw eggs?”

  “We was starvin’ and my stomach hurt almost as much as my head. Mrs. Dewey didn’t like for us to eat too much.”

  “I’m sorry to bring back a bad memory for you two. Forgive me, Nan.”

  “I will have to think on that for a spell. Forgiveness too quick is cheap. You will think that scaring a body is too easy to get forgiveness for.”

  “Nan, you need to forgive me for your sake as much as for mine.”

  “I don’t see how that would affect me at all for you to not be forgiven by me,” snorted Nan.

  “Unforgiveness is like that festered tooth of Elmer’s. At first it just smarts a little and then if left alone it could poison your whole mind and life.”

  “Just give me a little time to think about that. I think that if I don’t forgive you, it will hurt you a little and I won’t feel anything. Just let me be.”

  “You will see that I am right.”

  “You bet. You are always right aren’t you?!” Nan scrambled off the horse and made for the creek.

  “She won’t be mad long. She never stays mad at me.” Elmer patted his friend on the arm to comfort him.

  Fred watched her trudge through the shin deep snow. “I guess some things have to be lived out before people believe what you preach to them.”

  “Were you preachin’, Fred? Is that what preachin’ is?”

  Fred had to laugh when he saw the comical look of concern on Elmer’s face. “Yep, Pard, I guess I was. Sorry.”

  Why did things that Fred say grate against her nerves? Sometimes she wanted to hug him, but most of the time she felt like beating him on the chest with her firsts. She had never felt like doing anything like that to anyone in her life. What was the matter with her? She felt like she was living in someone else’s skin. The skin didn’t fit her. It was too tight and she couldn’t breathe.

  All the hurt that she had suffered was coming to her mind and wanting to burst out of her lips. She hated the indignities she suffered at the hands of others, yet she found herself thinking thoughts of venom. She was glad that she hadn’t said most of the things that had come into her mind. Forgiveness? Never! A thousand times never! From this day on she would protect herself and those she loved from frightening things, even if it were just stupid jokes. Allow someone to hurt you just a little and then the real pain will start. No. She vowed never to forgive anyone again.

  After a few moments, she was chilled to the bone. Quietly she entered the cabin; Fred and Elmer were bedding down the horses and mule. She took a seat in the low rocker in front of the open fireplace. Fred had started a small fire and it was popping noisily. She needed to start the cornbread, but she was exhausted and stayed seated. The flames eagerly licked the dry logs and brought forth needed warmth to the small room. She placed her feet on a small stool next to the hearth and allowed herself to completely relax. Before long her eyes were too heavy to remain open. She felt strong arms lift her and carry her to the big bed that she and Elmer shared. The covers were icy cold, but a heated rag-covered stone was placed at her feet and she felt cozy and warm. As she drifted more deeply to sleep she wondered why Fred was always so good to her. She had been hateful and mean. He never lost patience with her or struck her in anger. What was she going to do?

  Early the next morning she heard the usual sounds of Fred doing chores. The axe rang clear in the yard with the splintering of the logs as they were first halved then quartered. He must have been up a while because the chopping of wood was toward the last of morning chores. He must have already fed the Sonny and Ruby. Dear me, Nan thought, “I am supposed to take care of the chickens and milk the cow.” Fred insisted that they get them before they left Trinidad so that she and Elmer would have milk and eggs. Those confounded eggs! Why did I have to get so mad about that stupid joke! Hurriedly she dressed and headed to the small log barn.

  Fred saw her as she walked briskly from the cabin. I surely do hope she is over her mad spell, he thought. As she drew near to the wood stack she cast her gaze to the ground, “Fred, I got riled up over nothin’. I guess my feelings are tender now…I’m sorry. You have been good to us and I want to try to behave myself.”

  “You are a good girl, Nan. Even when you get mad it doesn’t change the fact that you are good. It might make it a little tough to see your natural sweetness, but it is still there. It was a stupid attempt at a joke and I am the one who is sorry. Let’s have a good day, okay? I already milked and fed th
e cow, but the chickens haven’t been fed yet.”

  Nan smiled and walked through the barn door and found a tin bucket on a nail by the door. Under it was a sack of chicken feed. The sack had bright pink flowers on it. It reminded her of the chore dress her Mama had worn and she smiled. She carefully pulled the loosely sewn string that closed the top of the sack and stuck her hand in to get a few handfuls of feed to put in the bucket. The big old Jersey cow that stood in a stall next to Sonny and Ruby lowed a welcome to her. Elmer named her Bobby because her tail had been bobbed off after a wild dog bit it half off when she was a calf. After looking around the barn she stepped into the yard and looked to see where Fred had put the chickens. “They are in the old chicken house around the back of the barn.”

  “Old chicken house? You mean the storage shed?”

  “It was a chicken house before Claire and Joy died, but I turned it into storage because I just couldn’t take care of anyone or anything properly after… I took the things that were in there and put them in the barn in the crates we brought the chickens in. I don’t know what I will do with those things.”

  Nan didn’t ask him what they were. She already knew that they were probably personal items of his family. He must have had a hard morning doing that type of work. She edged around the barn and opened the door to the small chicken house. Even though the sun was shining, it was pretty cold out with snow on the ground.

  She looked at them and decided that they were beautiful. Yes beautiful! They were black with white speckles all over them. The rooster was spectacular to look at. Fred said they were called Barred Plymouth Rock. They also got some Guineas to warn them of predators lurking about. They gratefully took the feed that she scattered on the floor of the chicken house. She decided to put some feed in an old tin plate and filled a bowl with water. She didn’t want them outside yet.

  Elmer slept an hour or so longer than Nan had. He stood in the door of the cabin and stretched as far as his body would go. He was growing quickly now. They celebrated his sixth birthday with Nate and Martha. The cake had been delicious. Martha taught Nan how to make many dishes and she enjoyed the instruction on making that special cake most of all. Mainly because the celebration would not have taken place at all if the doctor hadn’t done the surgery on him in time. Nan observed him as he scampered across the yard to Fred.

  Elmer called out, “Fred, are we going to check your traps today? I bet you have caught a lot since we have been gone so long.”

  “Yes, we are going and I have a special treat for the two of you today. Nan is going to join us and we are going to a real Ute village. I want you to meet James’ family.”

  “Are you certain that it is alright for us to go there?” Nan had heard many bad things about Indians and was not anxious to get too close for too long to them.

  “James is a remarkable Christian man. You will enjoy meeting his family.”

  Nan remembered that James was trying to give Fred his sister as a wife and wasn’t sure that she agreed.

  After eating a quick breakfast, Fred brought Ruby and Sonny around for them to ride. He walked along side of them. The camp wasn’t very far, but they would take it slow for Nan’s sake. She was in her fifth month of pregnancy. She was beginning to show her condition and because of it he took special pains to be certain not to push her very hard. By noonday they were at the edge of the camp. Nan observed the children running after little pups and the women tending fires outside the teepees. They were obviously tending fires inside them too as smoke curled up through the posts at the top. The people stopped their activities and gathered at the side of the visitors.

  “Greetings, friends! I brought my family to meet you.”

  Out of the crowd a familiar face approached Fred. “It is a good day to see my brother, Fred.”

  “I agree, James. You remember my family?”

  James strode up to Elmer and peered into his glowing face. “This one looks much stronger than the last time I saw him.”

  “That’s Elmer. He couldn’t have made it if you hadn’t helped him. I wanted to come and show you how well he has fared.”

  “Did you find the cause of his sickness?”

  ”It was a poisoned tooth that had broken off in the back of his mouth.”

  “Simple things can cause death.”

  “Yes.”

  “Your wife is of a better temperament it seems.”

  “Yes, Nan feels much happier since her brother is well.”

  “Nan, I am James. I welcome you to our camp.”

  “Thank you.”

  James led them to his comfortable home. The floor was cushioned on the perimeter with hides of deer, buffalo and many other pelts. A young woman was stirring a pot of stew-like substance cooking over a low flame. She looked up and smiled at Fred. “Hello, brother! It is good to see you after such a long time. Is this the wife my husband told me about?”

  “Nan, this is New Moon, the wife of James.”

  The woman looked amused, “Fred could never get his mouth around our native tongue so he gave us the names he could say. My name and my husband’s name are very difficult for the white man to say so we accept the ones that Fred gave us. Fred, what meaning does your name have?”

  Fred laughed heartily, “Nothing, absolutely nothing. I don’t know many white people with a name that means anything!”

  “What a waste! Our names are given to us in remembrance of something or someone or to help us live up to great feats.”

  “I am named in remembrance of my mother. Her name was Nancy and so is mine. I just am called Nan.”

  “That is good.”

  James took Fred and Elmer outside while Nan visited with New Moon. Elmer quickly made friends with some of the children of the camp. “Fred, I want to give you some gifts for being my good friend.”

  “I couldn’t take anything more from you, James. You have been a good friend ever since you came to my church in Trinidad and gave your life to the Lord. You stood by me when I fell into sin and helped me get out of it. Of all the people in the world, you have been my truest friend and brother.”

  They spied Elmer playing with some of the boys who had a litter of wolf pups. He was laughing at their wrestling and snipping at each other. “James, if you would like to give me something, I do need a dog now. Maybe one of those pups?”

  “What happened to Rufus?”

  “An intruder killed him.”

  “Indian?”

  “No, trapper.”

  James called out to the boys in his native tongue, “Little brothers, help Elmer choose a pup. One that will grow up strong and loyal.”

  One of the boys handed a reddish-blonde pup to Elmer. He was part wolf, part husky because he was fathered by Rufus. The young boy spoke in broken English to Elmer, “I call him Shasta for a great mountain in the north that a white man who came to our camp told me about.”

  “Shasta! What a great name. Thank you James!” Elmer couldn’t remember a day that he had been this happy. The little pup licked him as he laughed and wrestled with him.

  “Now we will get a horse for Nan,” said James.

  “You have done too much already, James.”

  “I give a gift to the bride of my friend.” James spoke softly as he handed the reins to Nan. She was overwhelmed as she looked at the beautiful appaloosa mare. It was black with white splotches on its hindquarter. What a horse!

  “She is the tamest horse I own. She will serve you well. I call her Moon Shadow but you may call her what you wish.”

  “Moon Shadow is perfect! How can I thank you enough, James?”

  “Just make my friend happy. Treat him well and be a good wife to him. Is that a bargain?”

  “I will do my best.” Somehow the exchange between James and her felt more like giving a marriage vow than the pitiful ceremony in Silverton did. “I will.”

  Fred smiled and knew that she had truly vowed to be his wife this time.

  *****

  Nan enjoyed watching
Fred as he planed the boards to make a large cradle for the baby. He said that it should be good-sized so that the child could use it for a couple of years. That made sense. The wood curled as it was planed from the board. It reminded Nan of Elmer’s curls when he was a toddler. She smiled at the thought. The baby was kicking a lot these days.

  She could swear that he felt that her belly was a drum that needed to be pounded night and day. Lately the baby had been stretching or something. She seemed to not be able to sit tall enough to give him enough room. She stood as much as possible, but it made her very tired. Fred had made her recline in the bed after dinner and in the evening time. She was embarrassed to be in the bed in the middle of the day. What would people think of her? She did it because it was the only way she could seem to relax these days. She had given up on ever seeing her feet again.

  It was a good thing that she had moccasins because her feet were too swollen for the high-topped boots she usually wore. Even at that Elmer or Fred had to help her get them on. She felt awkward and helpless. Fred said that they would go down to Trinidad at the end of this month so that she would have a month to get settled there before the baby came. If she had a little more than a month to go, how big was she going to be by the time she delivered? How big would the baby be? Nan was frightened. She tried to hide her concern and concentrated on watching Fred construct the cradle. Elmer was laughing in the distance. He was training Shasta to fetch a stick. They were inseparable. It was good to see him so happy and healthy.

  “I’m going to start packing up the cabin in a few days. We will load the animals down with our household goods and prepare to move from the mountain for good.”

  Nan frowned, “For good?”

  “It is time for me to face the world again. Elmer needs to attend school and you will want to be near civilization when the baby comes.”

  “We won’t live here anymore?”

  “No. I…we must go back home to Trinidad. Ma and Pa were anxious about you being up here when they found out that you were having a baby.”

  Nan remembered and nodded.

  “We will take as much of our things as possible when we go, but I imagine I will be coming to clear the rest of the things here for setting up our own home in Trinidad.”