Nan's Journey

  *****

  Christmas Day dawned and Fred brought a sapling into the cabin. He had decorated it with some cotton from the storage shed. It looked like fresh fallen snow. He could not bring himself to put Joy and Claire’s decorations on the tree. It still seemed too soon. The house was fragrant from the quail Fred snared earlier. Nan was becoming a good cook. Fred brought a bundle to Elmer. It was a beaver pelt expertly tanned and tied together with a strip of leather. It was holding precious contents.

  “Elmer this is for you. You may sell the pelt or trade it for something you want, but untie the leather and you will see another gift from me to you.”

  Elmer’s eyes shone as he felt the softness of the pelt and untied it. He unfolded the skin and found the most stunning carvings he had ever seen. There were two cardinals and a little squirrel. They looked as if they could jump to life at any time.

  “Oh Fred! I love ‘em! Thank you!” Elmer shyly brought a little object to Fred. “I didn’t have anything to wrap this in, but I looked until I found something that made me think of you. Elmer opened his little hand and presented to Fred a beautiful gray quartz stone. He opened his other hand and handed Nan a matching one that was pink quartz.

  “Beautiful! Magnificent! Wonderful! Precious!” were the exclamations from the two recipients.

  Nan was surprised when Fred told her to close her eyes while he brought in the present that he had for her. “Open your eyes, Nan.”

  Nan clapped her hand over her mouth. She had never seen anything so beautiful. “It is lovely!”

  Fred grinned. How did he know that was what she would say? “It is to put our clothes in. See?”

  “Now it is your turn!” She had wrapped the gifts for Elmer and Fred in some of their old shirts that she had mended.

  Fred and Elmer unfolded the shirts and the woolen scarves fell to the floor. “Wow, a mended shirt and a new scarf! That great! Isn’t that right Pard?”

  “Nan, you are such a good sister! Thank you!”

  “I would say that this Christmas morning has been a wonderful start to a great day. Let’s read the Christmas story from the Bible after we get the food on the table, and we can enjoy the rest of the day.

  Fred read the passage from the book of Luke, the second chapter. It was truly beautiful. He had read the first chapter to them before they retired for the night yesterday. Nan pondered the message that this story was telling. Could it really be that a living God sent His Son to live as a man? Fred had told them that the reason for Jesus’ coming was to show us the way to God and to show us the love of God. She had always thought of God as a God of judgment and punishment. Fred attempted to show as well as tell them of a God that loved more than a body could understand. Fred was like God in that way. He didn’t have to be good to them but he was.

  The dinner was tasty and Fred and Elmer ate their fill, but Nan wasn’t hungry and picked at her food. The rest of the day was peaceful and sweet. They cared for the animals and watched the snow as it fell softly around the cozy cabin

  Chapter 15

  “Everything is packed, Fred.” Nan said. All that needed doing was to get Elmer on the horse and they would be ready to go down the mountain to Trinidad where Martha and Nate lived. Fred carried Elmer to Sonny and spoke to Nan, “Get on first, Nan, and I will hand him up to you.”

  “Won’t that be too heavy a load for him to carry so far?”

  “You weigh almost nothing. It won’t hurt for you to ride,” smiled Fred.

  Nan scurried to the horse and climbed upon him and reached out her arms for Elmer. He had felt pretty well for two days in a row and Fred had judged him able to travel. Elmer smiled at Nan and looked so happy. “It will be so good to see Nate and Martha. I think of them all the time.”

  “I do too, Elmer. They were so kind to us.” A small frown clouded Nan’s face. She couldn’t help but wonder what they would think of her becoming their daughter-in-law. How would they take the news? Would Fred tell them?

  Fred saw the concern on her face and guessed that she was nervous to be back in civilization. “Nan, it’s all right. The Deweys can’t hurt you anymore. We already talked about that.”

  “I know.”

  “What’s the matter then?”

  “Your folks have been so good to me. I hate for them to change their minds.”

  “Why would they change their minds?”

  “I’m not exactly daughter-in-law material you know.”

  “They trust me and my judgment, Nan. Don’t worry.”

  He was thinking the same thing. They would be ready to horsewhip him if they thought that he had taken advantage of a young girl in his care. How would he tell them? He knew he could never tell them what had happened to her.

  Even though they were good Christian people, they would probably think the same way most people thought of girls who had been treated in such a way.

  Public opinion leaned toward the absurd thought that such a girl was from that point on dirty and unfit to marry. As he looked at the young innocent face questioning him, he determined that no one would ever know how she had been treated by the savage men or about the reasoning behind the unexpected marriage.

  They started moving on the trail down the mountain. His thoughts were clear and hurried. He would speak to Nan when Elmer slept. He would tell her that they would pretend to share a bed at his parents’ house. He would lie down for a minute and mess up his side of the bed, but sleep the night away on the floor.

  Could she pretend to love him and smile at him the way a new wife would? He would stress to her that her future and the future of her child, if there was a child on the way, would depend on her acting abilities. Could he look at her the same way he looked at Claire? His Ma and Pa wouldn’t expect him to love Nan in the same way.

  He could tell them that he was very fond of Nan and that marriage was the only solution for her safety. They would protest that love was the key ingredient to a good marriage, but he would say that he had already experienced the love of his life and that fondness was better than loneliness.

  Fondness, yes he was very fond of Nan. She was a unique young woman. He noticed that since the attack, she neither felt sorry for herself, nor quit taking care of Elmer. If anything, she had become more nurturing toward both Elmer and Fred. She was grateful that Fred had married her and that he cared about Elmer and her. She had the buffalo robe tucked around her and Elmer and a heavy-hooded robe over her that covered most of her face.

  He looked in her direction and missed seeing her eyes. As he trudged along in the deep snow, visions of the young girl and her brother crept into his mind. He thought of one of the fishing days of the autumn and how her black hair had been so short. It brushed her chin and gave her the look of a mischievous boy. Only…the eyes…yes, her eyes were lively and sparkling.

  He guessed that the fondness began at that moment. He had thought that she was a kid, but he felt a closeness to her begin at that instant. “The twinkling of an eye,” a mere split second and he felt a kinship grow between them. He heard tell of many a man who had a wife that he could barely tolerate. It wasn’t so bad to have a wife that you liked as a friend. In fact, that might be the best kind of wife to have, that is, since Claire was gone.

  Nan sat quietly as the trail wound down the mountain. Fred was so unusually still that she became uneasy. He was probably dreading the thought of introducing her to his parents as his new wife. She hated to think of him regretting the decision that he had made. He had gone from being a bachelor with no one to take care of to being responsible for two, no three, other people.

  Yes, she was going to have a baby. The thought of it scared her. She hoped that the little one would not remind her of any of the trappers. She was determined not to look for a resemblance. After all, it was not the little baby’s fault that he was on his way. She would have to ask Martha many questions about caring for a baby.

  She wished that she could spend a good many days with Martha, but she k
new that the most important thing for now was taking care of Elmer. She didn’t know how to tell Fred about the baby. She should, after all, that is the reason that he had married her. Fred was such a good man. He deserved better than her, but it was his decision and she was glad that in that decision came her and her brother’s freedom from the Deweys. She would be sure that he never would regret the kindness that he had shown them. She would be obedient and work hard and make him proud of her somehow.

  “Nan, since Elmer is asleep, we need to talk about this visit with my family.”

  “Yes, Fred.”

  “How good of an actress are you?”

  “Actress?”

  “Nan, I need you pretend a little when we get to Ma and Pa’s house. You will need to look at me sorta like I’m the man you love. We will share a room, but I will sleep on the floor so that they will think that we are really husband and wife.”

  “I see… Fred, I do love you a little.”

  Fred blinked back tears of disbelief, “You do?”

  “You have treated me better than anyone since my ma and pa died. You have given your life up for me and my brother!”

  “I love you a little too, Nan. You and Elmer have given me a new purpose in life. Before you came along, I thought that there was nothing for me in this life. I was ready to just curl up and die.” Fred could hardly believe that he was telling her these things. Well, why shouldn’t he, she was his wife and when he married her it was forever. He decided that it wouldn’t be too hard to look at her with affection. After all, he really did love her … a little.

  “Fred, I have something that I need to tell you. I have to tell you before I lose my nerve. I am expecting a baby! I am scared to death and don’t know anything about it except that having babies and losing them is what killed my ma.”

  “Oh Nan! Are you feeling all right? Will you be able to…I don’t know…love him? And take care of him?”

  “The baby is innocent. I will love him and take care of him as best I can. I do need to ask your ma some questions about everything. Can you let them know what happened to me? I just can’t talk about it.”

  “I will tell Ma and Pa that we are having a baby. I will tell no one about the terrible things that you went through. People usually don’t forget or let you forget about things like that, and I want you to be able to put this all behind you.

  From this point on, I am the father of that baby. I will think of him as mine for the rest of my life. The child need never know anything different. I don’t want my child to be called names and taunted all of his life. You are my wife and what happens to you happens to me. You will never have to talk or hear about that attack again. If you ever need to talk about it, you can talk to me and we will get through this.”

  “What are you going to say to your folks about us getting married?”

  “I’m going to tell them that when I found out how old you were, I decided that it was not proper for you to live with me without being married to me and that I had grown so fond of you and Elmer that I could not bear the thought of your leaving me on the mountain alone.”

  “Will they believe that?”

  “They should. It is the truth.”

  Tears streamed down Nan’s face. “You really are fond of us? We aren’t just a burden to you?”

  “You have never been a burden to me. You both have worked so hard to pay your way and it has been pleasant to have you to talk to and fish with and all the chores have been a site more pleasurable...”

  In spite of the attack, Nan felt happier than she could remember feeling since her parents died. Things were looking more positive. Elmer was going to see a doctor, Fred loved her a little, and she loved Fred too. Even the baby coming, scary as it was, was going to be all right. A small smile curved her lips.

  Fred turned to look at her and saw the smile and his heart was glad. Elmer was sleeping soundly and the horse was making good time in the snow. They should make camp for noon and give the horse a rest. Nan probably needed rest too. He would have to be more attentive about that from now on.

  *****

  “Here is a good place. I will get some firewood and we will make a little camp right here.” Fred tied off Sonny and Ruby to a sapling, helped Elmer down, and then Nan. He got a little feed out of the saddlebag and gave it to the horse and mule. Elmer staggered and grabbed at his head with a moan. Nan quickly put her hand to his brow and felt the intense heat. “Fred, he is burning up!”

  “Nan put some snow in this kerchief and I’ll tie it to his head.”

  Nan returned with the snow filled kerchief and handed it to Fred. She ran to get one of the bedrolls off the back of the saddle. Fred spread it out and placed Elmer gently on the blanket, and Nan brought her bedroll for his head to lie on.

  “I put a little soup in an old canteen. Let’s heat it up and see if Elmer can sip a little. He needs to keep up his strength. I will get the fire going. You hold his head and comfort him. He needs his sister.”

  Nan cried uncontrollably when she looked at the pale face lying in her lap. He looked so weak and white. “Honey, please hold on. We are going to see a doctor that can help you get well. You can’t give up!”

  Elmer’s eyes opened slightly and she saw the fear in them. “I don’t know if I can hold on, Sissy. I am so tired. Don’t be a ‘scared; Fred will take care of you if I die. He promised that he would help me take good care of you.”

  “You are doing a good job, sweet brother, but I need you to try to hold on. You are all I have left of Ma and Papa and our wonderful life together! Go to sleep for a few minutes and then you will have to drink some of this soup that Fred is putting on the fire.”

  Elmer closed his tired little eyes and struggled into a fitful sleep. Nan squeezed her eyes shut and gritted her teeth, “Don’t you dare take him from me, God! Haven’t I suffered enough? Hasn’t he suffered enough? Are You even there? How can I believe in Someone Who has never been there for me? You let this happen to him! You let those men use me! Where were you?”

  Fred heard her whispering hoarsely. She was almost growling. He had never seen her face so animated in anger. He ran to her side fearing the worst. No, Elmer was sleeping fitfully. He was at least alive. “What is it, Nan?”

  “I can’t talk to you about it.”

  “What is it?”

  “No, I don’t want preached at right now!”

  “Why would I preach at you?”

  “No! I ain’t telling you nothin’!”

  “What are you so mad about?”

  “All right! …God. I am mad about or at God! …If there really is a God.”

  “How can you say that, Nan?”

  “He has allowed nothin’ but trouble in my life, and poor little Elmer too! I would hate to think that I would have to ‘worship’ Someone so cruel and mean.”

  “God is Sovereign, Nan. That means that He is in control and…”

  “That’s just it!” Nan growled. “If He is in control, why does He want to hurt us so much? I cannot stand it if Elmer dies! I really cannot go on living without him!”

  “Let me pray for him again.”

  “No! God knows he needs help. If He wants to help, He will do it, but I don’t think He gives a lick what happens to any of us.”

  “Nan!”

  “Isn’t that soup burning now?”

  Fred went to the fire and the soup was boiling over. He put a small amount into a tin cup and brought it over to the sleeping boy. “Elmer, son, wake up and drink a little of this good ole soup. I made it just for you.”

  Elmer put his lips to the cup, but it was just too hot to drink. Fred got up from his crouched position and paced the camp with the little cup in his hand. He was struggling in his spirit also. “Lord, why is this happening? I want them to trust You and You keep letting things like this happen. I understand why Nan is questioning me about You. I have asked the same questions over and over in my own mind about Claire, Joy…and Elmer…also Nan.

  Why do you
give me people to care for if You are going to cause them to suffer and die all the time?” He felt the all too familiar silent scream in his heart. Nan thought he would preach to her about her questions. He had a plenty of his own.

  He had no idea what to say to her, except the little sentence that his Ma and Pa repeated over and over to him. God is Sovereign and He is in control. That gave him little comfort then and even now. Somehow though, it reached him those years ago when Claire and Joy died, that God really was in control of everything.

  The soup was getting cooler so he took his spot next to Elmer and offered it to the sick little one. He sipped ever so slowly, and then swallowed. His blonde hair was pasted on his head with perspiration.

  It was winter and snow was on the ground, but he had a high fever. Fred wrapped him in the bedroll and rocked him slowly while he urged more of the warm substance into his mouth. This little one must not die!

  A twig snapped in the clearing and Fred looked up from his careful watch of the boy. There stood four Indians. He recognized one of them as his friend. He had called him James because he could not pronounce his Ute name. “James, I am glad to see you! Who do you have with you?”

  “Fred, my friend, do you have trouble?”

  “Yes, the boy is very sick. He has suffered headaches and fever many days for years.”

  “Then, it is not the sickness that comes and goes away fast, killing many.”

  “No. I am sure of that. He has been sick for three years.”

  “I will give to him some herbs for pain I use.”

  “Thank you, my friend.”

  “What are you thinking? He can’t just give Elmer something! He might kill him!” Nan stood in front of Elmer with her arms crossed.

  “Who is this little girl?” questioned a startled James.

  “This is my wife, Nan.”

  “Wife? She is too young. I will give you my sister. This one is a baby.”

  Nan stretched to her fullest height and looked at James with a stern expression, “The boy is my brother and I say no.”