Zarulium Chronicles I - Destination Nazca

Chapter 9: Natalia at school – Cape Canaveral – the same afternoon

  Natalia sat staring at her bagged lunch: cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise on whole wheat. She used to love this sort of sandwich, but now found it boring. This was probably because today was her fifth straight day experiencing this combination.

  She reminisced about how she used to eat a different hot lunch daily at each of her last two private schools. She grew sullen as it dawned on her that she had displayed a lack of foresight at both schools: break school rules and eventually you will have no choice but to eat shitty cheese sandwiches for lunch!

  She tossed her full sandwich bag into the garbage and drank her water. That would have to do for now. She figured her blood was still angry from her last hot-tempered eating spree a while ago. To eat one sugar-frosted strawberry pop tart per month was excessive, but to have munched down two that day now seemed to Natalia as life threatening. In fact, on occasions when her nerves had felt shot since the twin tart terror, she had wondered if it was a continual flashback.

  Mercurial in mood at the best of times, Natalia had sworn aloud at assholes today that she normally only swore at in her head. She was having another pop tart rehash. Then she saw William Johnson, and he was pathetic. 'Billy', as he called himself, must have been a daily pop tart user, and, thought Natalia, must have been cultivating an unhealthy lifestyle from a young age. Natalia tried to shrug off the burgeoning idea of a confrontation. She needed to be more sympathetic or empathetic to make things copasetic.

  Sitting in the school cafeteria, Natalia recalled how Billy had departed after meeting her for the first time a few weeks ago. When he had decided that the introduction had not gone well, he pulled her hair like a sissy at first, but when she did not cry, he pulled it so hard her scalp bled.

  To Natalia, Billy was a juicy prime-rib example of how bovine growth hormone; high fructose corn syrup; monosodium glutamate; and US red food dye #6 (not to mention 'sunset yellow #4') had combined to ruin American society in the modern age.

  She observed him now as he sauntered through the lunchroom presumably with a continued questing aim to satisfy his insatiable appetite by grazing on the lunches of others. Eventually she saw him come to a stop at a table where two much younger girls sat nibbling and minding their own business.

  Natalia recalled that she had seen the two friends lined up to attend flower club as school ended one day. They were innocent sweethearts – true daddy's girls and the sort who Natalia knew she envied. She should turn her back on them and ignore the fact that her last experience with Billy told her he was about to strike. She guessed that he outweighed the two grade 4 girls added together. He was a predator at14 and they were two goldfish in his feeder tank.

  Natalia could not turn her back – she would not be a bystander. On the other hand, she could not risk instigation – that might get her expelled . . . again! Instead, she would wait and let him make the first move.

  As his purplish-red swollen belly button protruded into the two girls faces, Billy announced, "Hi there! Y'all seen me 'round before now, I know – but so far, I ain't introduced myself. My name is Billy Biff Bear Johnson and I was born on an airboat in the Florida Everglades!"

  Hearing his bullshit, Natalia rolled her eyes. He had introduced himself to her in the same 'pre-recorded message' way, on the day they had first met. He was a bullshit artist and a bully. Natalia was sure he was going to steal the girls' dessert treats any moment now, and so with her internal alarm bells ringing, she sprung into action.

  First, she collected her discarded lunch from the trash. Fortunately, it remained unsoiled by other dumped garbage, but, considering her new plans for it, Natalia very much savoured the idea that her sandwich had sat in garbage.

  Striding confidently forth, she declared, "I think you're full of shit, Billy Biff! There's no way you were born in the Everglades!"

  He turned his head to see who was challenging him, smiled when he saw it was Natalia, and then began a verbally venomous assault, shouting, "Oh, the Ruskie bitch has somethin' to say about where I come from? Well, at least I know my parents weren't no Commies plannin' to drop nukleer bombs on America!"

  Natalia noted that their exchange instantly aroused the surrounding crowd. She allowed a moment to pass. Satisfied the audience could all hear her, Natalia began, "Unless you want me and everyone else here listening to this shit to believe that you're an adult – then there's no way in this State you were born on an Everglades airboat."

  He complained, "I ain't a adult! Who says I have to be a adult, you Ruskie bitch?"

  Calmly, she replied, "Well, the US government for a start. You see, Billy boy, the federal government protected the Everglades from white folks back in the early 90's." She smiled disapprovingly at him, and then continued, "I researched it online and only wild animals and Seminole Indians have been born there since then and that was over 20 years ago, Biffy! Are you a Native American Everglades child then, Biffy?"

  Gesturing rudely with his fingers, Billy shouted, "I ain’t no lazy, dirty injun!"

  As she winked at her part-Seminole friend, who was among the lunch crowd, Natalia lightly responded, "Didn't think you'd go for that either actually!" Then she placed her fingers on her chin as if scrutinizing him, and politely asked, "Are you over 21 years old then, Biffy?"

  Pointing threateningly with his finger, Billy challenged her by asking, "You callin' me a liar, you Commie bitch?"

  As if he were stupid, in a brazen scold, she sassily replied, "Well, unless you thought by 'full of shit' I was suggesting constipation, then you would know I already did that . . ."

  No one had dared to laugh yet, but Billy sensed they wanted to, and so he defiantly exclaimed, "My family are from Kissimmee – we're patriots, you Commie bitch!"

  Continuing her sassy attitude, Natalia quipped, "Well kiss-a-me-ass, I'm from Cape Canaveral – ever heard of that Biffy Bill?"

  Ever threatening, Billy growled, "You makin' fun o' my name now, bitch?"

  Playing her part, Natalia politely reasoned, "At least I use your name when I speak to you." Then she tried her best falsely genuine smile on him, and continued, "And as a gesture of my friendly intentions towards you, I even brought . . . a second lunch just for you today!" Then she held out her previously discarded sandwich bag towards him and said, "Look!"

  Billy paused, wary of her intentions. Natalia noticed his attitude became curious at the sight of food, and then he said, "Now don't think ya can butter me up, missy!" Grabbing the sandwich bag from Natalia, he continued, "I can still kick yer ass!"

  Ever deceiving, she feigned being impressed, and added, "And so manly too! Why, that must be why they call you, 'Bear'!"

  While he shoved a sandwich half in his mouth, he confidently stated, "Damn straight it is! I got the name when I kicked a bear's ass by myself." He stopped talking long enough to swallow the huge chunk whole, and then proudly bragged, "When I was 8!"

  Deliberate in making her attempt a poor one, Natalia copied his slangy delivery, and declared, "Ooo! I must have been wrong – you are a wild animal. I mean, you kickin' a bear's ass when you wuz just a itty-bitty thing yerself; you the man, Billy Biff, you the man!"

  As he shoved the second sandwich into his mouth, Billy started to gyrate like a rapper wannabe, and announced, "Yeah, that's the shit! Damn straight!"

  Natalia wanted him to be almost finished before she continued. She began to dance accordingly as well, and when satisfied he had finished, she continued, "Oh, Billy boy, you're such a powerful source of nature. . . . Why you're like a . . ."

  Still gyrating to the disgust of all, Billy interjected, "Yeah, you can say it . . ."

  As if adoring Billy the pop star, Natalia placed her hands on her face as if in mock-awe, and asked, "Oh, Billy, can I say it?"

  Lost in a delusional reverie, Billy continued, "Yeah, go ahead and say it . . ."

  "Gosh, Billy – thanks," began Natalia. With her false adoration still firmly in place, she declared, "
You’re like . . . like a fart!"

  The crowd burst out laughing; Billy stopped gyrating; his face grew red, and then he snarled, "I'll git you fer that, Ruskie bitch!"

  Blithely, Natalia began, "Maybe but I just got you first!" Then she shrugged her shoulders and politely confessed, "You just ate a sandwich from the trash, Sponge Billy shit pants!"

  Onlookers laughed harder as he feebly spat out what everyone could see was nothing. Then he threatened her, shouting, "I'll git you for this if it's the last thing I do!"

  Perhaps the extra sandwich caused Billy's too-slow punch; regardless, Natalia dodged it easily. As she counterattacked by lifting her knee into his fledgling manhood firmly, but with a dancer's grace, she advised him, "Falling down will be the last thing you do for a while, asshole!"

  Several of Billy Biff's friends had to provide the groans for him because Biff himself was preoccupied thereafter with the physical epiphany males experience in such instances when they discover the part just hit feels like it now resides in their mouth.

  Standing triumphantly over his squirming body, Natalia reasoned, "You'll have a tough time standing up high to hook up your plastic model airboats from your ceiling for a while, Biffy . . ."

  As he lay there writhing, Billy groaned and struggled to say, "I . . . will . . . fix you!"

  Instructively, Natalia commented, "Not in the sense of castrating, Biffy – I just did that to you!"

  The crowd members laughed heartily at this, if they understood what castration meant, and then Natalia offered one last polite insult, as she enquired, "Do you want me to write your next letter to your favourite pop princess fantasy to let her know of your unfortunate mishap, Biffy? I could let her know for you that you won't be able to caress that picture of her on your wall for a while – who is she again? Ciley Virus?"

  The two girls giggled at her; she winked back at them, and then Natalia turned and walked away.

  Eventually, this incident led to a trip to the principal's office, but it did not bother her at all. Natalia knew that zero tolerance of bullying at school meant zero effectiveness. She knew that the way to shut down a bully was to bully him back. It worked for her before, although it had resulted in the first private school expelling her.

  Adults expelled her, yet they expected students to report bullying. Natalia knew that telling an adult in those situations was similar to placing a bandage on a wound requiring a stitch: it only stopped the problem temporarily. In this situation, Natalia had only experienced that the adult was rarely there when the bandage needed changing. Adults were entirely unreliable.

  In the office, Principal Piggleton sat behind his desk like a resolved judge about to pass his guilty verdict. Here we go again!

  He began, "Why did you knee Billy Biff Johnson in his private parts?"

  Coolly, Natalia replied, "Because when I woke up this morning I just suddenly felt like he needed it." Then she offered a quick and neutral smile, and listened as Principal Piggleton explained he would be discussing the matter with her parents, and that her actions would likely lead to her expulsion from the school. When he finally finished the entirely one-sided 'discussion', he asked for her comments.

  Her one word response was, "Parent."

  He asked, "I beg your pardon, miss?"

  Sassily, she answered, "I can't picture you begging me for anything, sir. The image of it alone seems somewhat indecorous, don't you think?"

  Taking a moment to realize she had dared to be insolent, Piggleton recovered and stated, "What? Now look here young lady, you're already in enough trouble . . ."

  With amplified sass, Natalia asked, "Do ya think?"

  Pointing his finger at her, Piggleton demanded, "Don't you give me lip, missy!" Then he added, "Why, in my day you'd be . . ." Suddenly, he stopped when he realized he should not be admitting anything about discipline in southern schools during the 1960's.

  Deciphering his curtailed comments anyways, Natalia aggressively asked, "Raped? Or if I were a black female, raped and lynched?"

  Barely able to restrain himself from striking her, Piggleton's face grew beet red, and then he blurted, "You smart-assed little witch!"

  Sensing her provocative counterattack was working, Natalia whimsically suggested, "Witch? Oh, sorry; well then you'd also burn me after the lynching!"

  Pointing his finger again, he exclaimed, "Now listen, this is your last warning you foul-mouthed minx . . ."

  Standing up, and with mock menace, she interrupted, "Save it . . . Lester!"

  Shocked at hearing a student dare to utter his first name, Principal Piggleton puffed, "What?" Natalia noticed that a vein in his forehead appeared to pop, and then he declared, "How dare you address me like that!"

  Faking her innocent tone, Natalia inquired, "Why? Your mother or father must have given you the name . . . didn't you love them?"

  Grasping the ends of his desk, Piggleton's knuckles became the only visible white part of his exposed body – the rest being red – and then he declared, "I aught to wash your smart mouth out with soap!"

  Shaking her head at him, Natalia sarcastically explained, "No, Lester, my brain is smart – my mouth is merely an expressive extension of it." Then she quickly smiled at him, and then counter-threatened, "Besides, washing me implies touching me, and well, even here in the south at the present day, that constitutes assault."

  Pushing his seat back as he stood, Piggleton leaned towards her and threatened, "We'll see about that!"

  Detecting a physical threat seemed unlikely, Natalia smiled, held her ground, and then revealed, "I don't think so, Lester; you see, I know something that will change your mind."

  Placing his hands on his hips, Piggleton demanded, "And what is that you little whelp?"

  Natalia could not stop now. She placed her index finger on her lip, looked up thoughtfully, and then politely asked, "Is 'whelp' spelled with an 'h' or not?"

  There wasn't time for Natalia to choose between whether it was her last tormenting non sequitur or Lester Piggleton's necktie that had rapidly caused what looked like varicose veins suddenly to bulge from his forehead; however, he was beginning to move towards her.

  His rage reminded her of the mythological god a teacher once required her to read about in an old book. She could not remember the name because she only ever skimmed books like that. Devoid of an ancient allusion or a medieval metaphor in her brain's purse, Natalia raised her arm, extended her hand into a 'stop' position, relied on current colloquialism, and declared, "Back off, Lester, you moron!" Then she explained, "My cell phone's been recording everything you've said."

  Moving around his desk, he asked, "What?" Then, Piggleton stopped, considered what her admission meant, and declared," You dirty little sneaky bitch – you'll pay for this!"

  "Wrong, Lester, I may be three of those things, but I'm no bitch. I think that's a term you should reserve for when you speak of your mother."

  Hearing that, Piggleton reached out for the cell phone that Natalia somewhat carelessly held out; snatched it away from her; hurled it onto the side of the metal filing cabinet where it smashed instantly; and then he smiled a villain's smile and began moving towards her again.

  As he reached forward to grab her, she realized that at his height, he had a substantial reach advantage; however, her instincts told her that her leg was slightly longer than his reach. She imagined herself next as an angry Beckham, only cuter, and with all her grief transported to her feet, she kicked towards the same spot she had kneed Billy Biff in, and struck pay dirt.

  She noted afterwards that Lester had nothing to say either, although he fell harder and faster than Billy Biff had. She picked up the cell phone knowing as she did so that her evidence had evaporated in the smash. She walked slowly over to the writhing principal and placed the bottom of her kicking foot on his voice box firmly.

  Presenting the broken device to his face, she threatened, "Now you'll pay for this." She thought for a few seconds while he writhed, and then demanded, "Reach i
nto your pocket and remove your wallet or I start squeezing, maggot."

  He complied instantly though he fumbled somewhat in his attempt, and when Natalia accepted it, she quickly proceeded to empty it, and then count it. After, she declared, "Eleven hundred and thirty-eight dollars! Golly, Lester, you're loaded! I can afford an acceptable replacement with this, and I'll keep the extra as payment for the loss of the information inside."

  Faintly, as if impaired, Piggleton replied, "I’ll . . . be . . . informing police"

  With her foot still on his neck, Natalia suggested, "I don't advise it, Lester. You'd have to admit to them that this pretty little missy done whupped yer redneck ass!"

  Defiant, he threatened, "Your . . . parents . . . I'll tell . . ."

  Interrupting him with a lasting pain foot-squeeze, and a scream, Natalia shouted, "I said 'parent' – get it right!" She offered him a last kick in his shin, turned away and smiled when she heard him yelp, and then she quietly opened the door and closed it. She smiled meekly at the secretary, who regarded her warily. Then Natalia walked out of the office and headed directly home even though school was not over for another hour and a half.

  Once at home, she made herself lunch.

  When her mother returned home, she told Natalia that she had already spoken with the principal by phone. Susan tearfully recounted details of the discussion to Natalia explaining that he was permanently expelling her. Natalia shrugged her shoulders to her mother when questioned why it was that the principal had also pressed for a police restraining order.

  Natalia recalled events of the day but said nothing. Her mother informed Natalia that her third expulsion from a school in less than a year meant that Susan would hire a private tutor – no more schools!

  She warned Natalia that she had grown tired of her 'act'. She alerted the daughter that if she botched this private tutoring opportunity, then her mother would ship her off to her father in 'frigid Toronto'!

  For her part, Natalia internally used the term 'bring it on!' when her mother issued the ultimatum. Then it occurred to her that if she could leave south Florida for Toronto before the 25th, it might be another dysfunctional Yakushev Christmas, but at least there was a chance it would be a white one!

  She thought about Christmas. The one on the way would be her 13th. She knew that some cultures regarded 13 as an unlucky number, but she placed no faith in superstition. As far as Natalia was concerned, superstition was a cool rhythm and blues song by Stevie Wonder.

  Today was December 12th. Today was 13 days before Christmas, which seemed a little weird when she remembered that her birthday was precisely 13 days after Christmas. So today was 13 days from the special holiday, which was 13 days from her special 13th day. Was she destined to be 3 times as unlucky this year?

  "Private tutor," she mumbled as her mother left the room. "Now, what do I have to do to . . ."

  Anton's Video Diary 4

  December 17

  "This is Anton here again, with another attempt at time travel, etcetera. As I have yet to succeed on video, I'm just going to double check everything . . . Main engine looks good . . . Just checking that the dimensional shift lubricator is topped up . . . Good . . . Now for the formerly very fussy DNA stabilizer, which by the way, is much more reliable now since I added the extract of Dionaea muscipula. It seems the little contraption responds well to having a DNA sample from the actual traveller. This makes sense of course – just an initial oversight on my part.

  "Okay, and here is today's traveller, a Venus Flytrap composed of DNA resembling or related to both plant and animal . . . and I'll just check the engine oil, of course . . . right, that should do it . . . synchronizing for . . . 1:57 PM, in . . . five, four, three, two, one . . . Eureka! For those of you viewing . . . uh, in the future of course – no coincidence intended there . . . uh, you have just witnessed that the plant and the wristwatch each disappeared inside the chamber.

  "While I have a minute – or rather, somewhat less than that now, I would like to quote from the great American inventor Thomas Edison who said of his efforts to create a light bulb, 'I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work!'

  "I feel I can sympathize with that remark here today and just as Edison, after that day of discovery, illuminated a dark world, so too will my invention create a brighter future . . . for . . . humanity, etcetera.

  "Now I will count down to the return of the Flytrap in . . . five, four, three, two, one . . . there you see – it has successfully returned to the chamber . . .

  ". . . I plan to use a mouse next . . .