Fire in the Hole

  Beth pointed at Johnson. “You’re already due downstairs for pictures. The men are going to balance the girls on their chests. And you can’t tell me I can’t wear this ring. A woman can wear what she wants when she wants.”

  Then she pointed at Duke. “If you share what you know, I will end you. And know I’m vindictive and I play the long game.”

  Duke gave her the finger. “‘The long game’? Please. I invented it.” He pointed from his crotch to her face.

  “Whatever. Johnson, you are now actively ruining a woman’s wedding. Hope you can live with yourself.” Beth twirled on her heel and catwalked down the hall, shoving the ring on her left hand in the process.

  Dove sighed. “She’s pretty.”

  “She’s got nothing on you.” Duke complimented her right in front of the other guy who had his hand possessively on her lower back.

  Johnson leaned down and kissed Dove’s cheek. “I’ll see you after these pictures. We have a lot to talk about.”

  Dove watched Johnson leave before motioning for Duke to follow her inside. “Let’s see how Helena’s doing.”

  He followed her into his sister’s room. She was indeed moaning, waking up. “That was the best sleep of my life. I hope I didn’t snore as loud as you did, Dove.”

  Dove looked puzzled. “Uh. No. Not nearly as loud as I did.”

  Duke helped Dove rip off the restraints. Helena sat up and rolled her wrists. “Thanks. I’m going to catch a shower unless you needed the bathroom?”

  Dove shook her head. “No, it’s cool. I have my stuff in Duke’s room.”

  “Oh. It’s like that.” The beautiful woman gave them both an exaggerated wink and sashayed off to the bathroom, snatching the SleepSom bottle off the end table on her way.

  Dove pointed toward his bedroom door. “Let’s talk, okay?”

  Duke nodded and followed her into his room. Damn this chick. Damn her for making him follow her around like a hopeful puppy.

  Dove wanted to have clothes on before she had this conversation. But Duke had probably seen her in her PJs more than anything else in her life. She sat cross-legged on the bed, and he flopped down on his back, hands behind his head.

  After playing with the hem of her tank top, she finally met his eyes. “Hi.”

  He gave her a small smile. “Hi.”

  “I just… Hi.” She knew she was blushing. God, Duke was so…her neighbor. He knew everything about her, knew how to take care of her cat. Shit. She’d never even looked at him as anything other than the weird friend downstairs.

  He was wearing low-slung soft pants, and his chest was just so big. His blue eyes and deep dimple were smiling at her along with his mouth—when she finally got there.

  Okay, fine. Duke was hot. But with all the sausage and porn and chick popping out of the egg tighty-whities, she just never thought of him the way she was thinking of him now.

  “Checking out the merchandise?” He winked and wiggled his hips and his package jiggled.

  She busted out laughing.

  He sat up and rested against the headboard so they were at the same level. “Listen. I know it’s him. I know you’re whacked over him. And you think you never win. Don’t feel bad. If you pick him. Don’t feel bad.”

  Dove shook her head. “I just didn’t know you were a choice I had.”

  And now that she did, she was conflicted. Of course, of course, Johnson wanting to even look twice at her was the best thing in the world. She was head over heels for him. Fascinated by him. His good looks were mesmerizing. I mean, guys like that never went for girls like her. It didn’t happen.

  But now, seeing Duke—like, really seeing him and thinking back on all the laughter they’d had together—that was damn alluring. He was, for sure, not settling in any way.

  “Seriously, how long have we lived in the same building? Why now, I mean. Why?” She was almost angry with him. It was as though he waited until someone showed interest in her to be interested himself.

  “Yeah. My timing sucks shit.” He crackled his knuckles and rested his folded hands on his stomach. A stomach that was rippling with pussy-pleasing abs. “I guess I just always thought of you as my girl.”

  His words slayed her a little. Just shaved the top off her heart. “And you showed me this with all the sexual and/or romantic attention you didn’t apply in my direction?”

  God, it was easy to talk to him. Her words never had to go through a filter. Her tongue wasn’t heavy with indecision, even with this delicate conversation. And now she was comparing. Comparing. Two dudes to choose from. How was this the best scenario ever, yet it made her feel like a chump. It wasn’t nearly as fun as it looked in movies.

  “That’s totally my fault. I should have been more urgent with you. I should have realized what I wasn’t taking would eventually… Eventually, other guys would want to take that for themselves. You’re beautiful, Dove. And you make a guy just want to help you.”

  His blue eyes were soft—like she was a prize or something.

  She took a deep breath. “I need to think about this. Let me get dressed for the day. And think.”

  He didn’t stop her, and she gathered her clothes and her makeup and retreated to the bathroom. She guessed they were going to the wedding of Pissboy and Cross-eyed Knockers. Why not; she already had the dress.

  After putting her face together, fixing her hair, and making sure her armpits didn’t have a five o’clock shadow, Dove exited to find Duke dressed in a pink button-down shirt with a tie, dress pants, and dress shoes. He offered her a corsage that matched his shirt.

  “They just delivered this. May I?”

  She nodded, and he pinned the flower just above her left breast. She didn’t realize she was holding her breath until she exhaled on the flower, blowing the petals around. Her restorative inhale included his cologne, and it was delicious. God, he cleaned up well. She looked him up and down again from his shoes to his eyes, picturing what she knew was underneath his fancy clothes.

  “Did I pass inspection?” He winked at her.

  She nodded. “I didn’t know, Duke.”

  She was referring to the fact that his heart was on her table. He nodded—he knew what she meant.

  “My fault. Not yours. I just wanted you to know that after you pick him, which you will—I know you, Dove—and when he breaks your heart, and I do hope he’s smart enough to not do that, there will be a pedestal waiting for you in my apartment. I’ll put you on it any day of the week and twice on Sunday.” He put his hands in his pockets respectfully.

  “We both know I’d fall off a pedestal.” She snort-laughed and then sobered, swallowing the seriousness of the situation.

  “I’d catch you. I always have, right?” He tilted his head a little to the left, encouraging her to think of all the times recently he’d saved her day or been there for her.

  She blinked back tears. He had. Every stupid situation he’d either helped her with or forced her to laugh about.

  “Let’s go get something to eat.” Dove stepped around him and opened their hotel door.

  Johnson found the tail end of the breakfast buffet and zeroed in on some orange juice and a bagel. Beth was off somewhere, preparing the bride for walk down the aisle.

  Dove not being married was his favorite part of this day, but the fact that her neighbor was now vying for her attention as well was troublesome. And Duke had been right. He should’ve never tweeted his plans to her about spending the weekend with Beth. It was thoughtless. He’d honesty done it to avoid hurting her feelings. And to show how little he thought of the whole weekend. But it had been the wrong way to go about it.

  The wedding planner was amped again. “Ten minutes until everyone is lined up!” Her shrill commands filled the breakfast buffet room. Johnson settled for coffee and a doughnut when his first choice for breakfast was snatched up by the other groomsmen.

  Dove entered the room, and he couldn’t even pretend to stop admiring her. The dress she was wearing was perfection
. Her calves, her heels, the way her hair fell over her shoulder… went straight to his chest.

  Duke stepped in to the room too, obviously finishing a jovial conversation with someone in the hallway before locking eyes with Johnson as though he’d called the neighbor’s name.

  Dove spotted Johnson at the same moment and gave him a hopeful little wave. Above her head, Duke aimed both his middle fingers at him.

  Johnson focused on Dove instead. The wedding planner shrieked again, and Johnson pointed over his shoulder, indicating to Dove that he had to leave. She nodded and smiled. When Johnson looked back as he left the buffet room, Duke was waggling a limp sausage at Dove, making her laugh.

  Beth was still wearing the engagement ring and waiting for her cue opposite Johnson in the wedding pavilion. The factory-like atmosphere with all the weddings happening at around the same time was confusing. It was a crisp, pretty morning. The music was piped in. Johnson would spend the next forty-five minutes of his life under a gazebo at the end of a red runner carpet in the middle of the wedding factory’s center atrium. The wedding pavilion had flowers and ribbons and all the things weddings normally had. Johnson was pretty sure his steps were off judging from the ropes of tension that corded in the wedding planner’s neck.

  Beth gave him a forced smile while harshly reminding him to do so as well. He tried to arrange his face in a pleasant manner as he stood in between two other groomsmen and did his best not to nap while standing.

  The windows facing the ceremony were acting as mirrors on this side because of the deep privacy tint on them, so he couldn’t tell if Dove was watching him or not. Not that she would. Or that Duke would let her. This wedding venue staff seemed to have every minute of this day mapped out for each of the four weddings. In the lobby, among the huge flower arrangements and plush chairs, was an LED screen that rolled through wedding day events like planes departing and landing. He wasn’t sure which last name combination and avatar belonged to Dove’s event. His had been an engagement ring slipped around the stem of a champagne glass. A flower, a high heel, and—randomly—a cartoon duck represented the other three weddings. Judgmentally, Johnson had decided that Duke and Dove’s event had to be the duck judging from the rowdy behavior of the bride and groom this morning. They were loud and seemingly already drinking.

  The bride from the ring and glass wedding began her march down the aisle with her father by her side. Johnson caught Beth twirling her “engagement” ring and smiling at him with gentle eyes from her place between two lavender bridesmaids. He frowned.

  The wedding had a lot of speeches and eyes dabbed with tissues. He clapped with everyone else when the couple was announced and waited to walk Beth down the aisle one last time. She began whispering the second she clamped on to his elbow.

  “She’s already cheating on you. You can do better than her. I mean, I’m willing to make it work, Johnson. You can’t tell me that that ceremony didn’t stir something in you.”

  “I’m leaving as soon as I can talk to Dove.” Johnson unwrapped her arm from his and stepped away from her.

  “You can’t do that! What about the pictures? The dance? The introductions? This is a whole-day deal, Johnson. You have to be a stand-up guy and put in the time here. You agreed. You showed up. Now you have to finish it.” She stomped her foot.

  Beth’s makeup was caked on. Her perfume was making him sick. He thought of all she didn’t do for him in their relationship. He owed her nothing. The smiling bride was hugging her parents close by. He sighed with resignation. He hated to put a kink in her day.

  “I’ll stay if you take that ring off.” Johnson stuffed his hands in his pockets.

  Beth’s anger made her nostrils flare. She pulled the ring from her hand and tucked it in the bosom of her dress. “Fine. Happy?”

  Johnson nodded.

  “I hope she’s worth it.” Beth turned her back on him.

  “She is.”

  Dove watched Duke eat a plateful of sausage like he was a camel that lived on cured meats.

  It felt odd knowing he wanted to bone her. Would it make their easy relationship weird? In all honesty, treasured friendship seemed too steep a description for what they shared. Seriously, she’d been tricked into bringing him toilet paper on the crapper too many times not to know he was a little shortsighted.

  He burped and wiped his mouth with his hand. At least he wasn’t putting on airs trying to impress her.

  “Excuse you.” Dove took a sip of her orange juice and looked over her shoulder in time to see Johnson walk Beth down the aisle in the wedding pavilion. The competitive side of her wanted to burst through the glass and tackle Beth. She’d never told Johnson about Beth’s sabotage at the Olive Garden bathroom. The moment when she and her friends had tried to cut Dove’s hair and pour chemicals on her head to ruin her date with Johnson was terrifying. Thinking again about that brought her back to Duke, who had saved her in the restroom that night. Wearing a dick cast from when she pierced his dick wonky, to boot.

  “Thinking about my dick?” Duke interrupted.

  “Always. But that goes for any girl you’ve ever met. And half the guys on Craigslist.” She handed him a napkin. “You’ve got sausage on your cheek.”

  Duke ignored the napkin and used his tongue to lick a large radius around his mouth. “Mmm.”

  “Wow.” Dove didn’t have to say it was kind of hard to sit with him and think sexual thoughts.

  “I’m not going to be different. Like, you know what you get with me, right?” Duke stood and picked up her plate, clearing the table.

  He was right, there were no surprises where they were concerned, but this morning certainly felt different. “What time is the duck wedding again?”

  “We’re up next. I think as soon as they swap out the flowers and the placard, we’re going to see Pissboy marry Cross-eyed Knockers.” He held out his hand to her. “Let’s get good seats. But not too good; I didn’t bring us any ponchos.”

  Dove laughed and took his hand to help her up but soon let go as they followed the duck signs to the wedding atrium in the center of the venue.

  The employees were joking amongst themselves that the basic package wedding was their favorite to set up because they needed two daisies and a streamer. As Duke picked up a duck button for them to pin on to signify which wedding they were with for the day, the employees raved that the previous wedding, the one Beth and Johnson had attended, was a VIP premier package and the staff expected some decent tips.

  Duke cleared his throat as he tapped his pin. “Hey, maybe make it sound a little nice for those of us going in there, for God’s sake.”

  The employees gave them sheepish glances and then looked at their shoes.

  Dove swallowed a smile at Duke’s correction. It reminded her of how he set Preston straight back when she was trying to get Johnson his job back. It was attractive.

  Duke picked Pissboy’s side and they were five rows back from the festivities. Unlike the ceremony she had witnessed from the breakfast buffet, which included all the traditional acquirements of a formal wedding, this one was starting with old-school rap music that had the crowd dancing in their seats. Dove was pretty sure she was in for a good time with this crew.

  Pissboy shattered Duke’s hopes when he arrived wearing a paper mask and the slight poof of an adult diaper visible under his pants. The bride danced down the aisle, stopping to twerk, holler at friends in the crowd, and sit down for a break halfway up. Dove watched the employees pale when she pulled a small dog from a carrier next to her friend. The dog was wearing a perfect replica of Cross-eyed Knockers’ fairly slutty wedding gown, and both she and the dog licked Pissboy’s mask when they got to the end of the aisle.

  The wedding was obviously not to the employees’ standards, but as a guest, it was highly entertaining. When Pissboy removed his mask to kiss his bride, he began sneezing violently seconds later, and then he pointed triumphantly at his crotch. His shenanigans obviously let his nose be exposed too much, a
nd combined with the fortifying alcohol Duke promised the groom had imbibed on, the sneezing took over. Pissboy fell to his knees with the most horrendous sneezes.

  Dove was a little worried, but the guests all thought it was hilarious. Pissboy rolled to his side and started sneeze-farting. Duke could barely breath he was laughing so hard.

  Cross-eyed Knockers sat right down next to her husband and laughed as well, the little dog barking and whining at the chaos. Soon, the employees were ushering everyone out, trying to get their act together–informing the guests that they had exactly seven minutes to swap out the duck decorations for the high heel wedding.

  When they all made it back into the lobby, the wedding party Johnson was in was posing on the elaborate marble staircase that went nowhere. It was obviously just a fancy prop for pictures. Johnson was holding Beth, who was doing an elaborate backbend, matching the other bridesmaids like synchronized swimmers. The girls were struggling to keep their dresses on while holding the pose. The bride was in the center, holding her flowers.

  After finishing up their pose, they gathered their things. Dove tried to ignore the flare of jealously she felt seeing Beth near Johnson. She couldn’t. She felt better when he put some distance between them.

  The fancy, VIP wedding was tastefully ushered from the Staircase to Nowhere to another set for more pictures, and Pissboy and Cross-eyed Knockers’ wedding party took over. Dove looked to Duke to see if they should find somewhere else to go when he shook his head, answering her unasked question. “Hell no. You want to see what this crew will do up there.”

  And low and behold, she did. Dove watched as the girls from the duck wedding re-enacted the previous photo shoot, compete with the backbends, but instead of holding their dresses, they let their boobs pop out. It was the most amazing wedding picture in the world. Cross-eyed Knockers lived up to her name and let hers free as well.

  The laughing was outrageous, and she held onto Duke while she crossed her legs preventing the panty wetting she felt was possible. Duke got them both drinks after they both settled down. They proceeded to follow the wedding party around to the various props that must be included even in the basic package. The people with the champagne and ring wedding avatar pins gave all the laughter dirty looks, and Dove was very, very happy she wasn’t going to the wedding Johnson had to suffer through.