Fearless

  Jax's head lolled over to the side so that I could see his face. His eyes were closed, the lids almost snow white, a single strand of dark hair falling across them. His lips were faintly pink, almost blending in with the rest of his skin.

  Now that I had a good look at him, I saw that his entire body was deathly pale. This was bad. Jax was not okay.

  My stomach clenched in agony. A feeling of disoriented shock coursed through my body.

  "Jax!" I screamed desperately.

  I continued screaming his name at the top of my lungs and took a couple steps onto the stage before being hit in the shoulder and falling to the ground. I looked up and saw two medics rushing past me with a stretcher. My chest constricted painfully, like I was trying to breathe underwater.

  Shivers went down my spine. Chaos erupted all around me. A flurry of bodies—including several fans who had been in the front row—were suddenly on stage and I lost sight of Jax. My heart crumpled up in my chest as I got up and tried desperately to elbow my way to him.

  Was he okay? Would I ever get to talk to him again?

  Nobody was moving and time slowed to a crawl and the night felt like it stretched into forever. Before I could reach him the medics had him on a stretcher and took him away in a haze.

  I wiped the tears from my eyes and began following them. My fingers felt like ice.

  Chapter Five

  WAIT

  I found the band backstage and we all hurried to get a cab, barely speaking to each other. Everyone was in shock, and we rode to the hospital in a grim silence. Once we got there, all we could do was wait.

  Two hours later we were still waiting without any word from the doctors, and my nerves were ragged with tension. I paced up and down the ER waiting room, my hands clenched together behind my back. My mind had been taken hostage with worry, and I couldn't stop the image of his collapse from playing over and over again, torturing me.

  With a sigh I threw myself down in the closest chair. Kev and Chewie were sitting across the room, talking quietly to each other. Sky sat next to her brother, flipping through a magazine, but she was going too fast to really be reading it.

  A doctor came into the room, searching the faces of the tired people before looking down at the clipboard he was carrying. I started up in my chair, but slumped back down when he began talking to a middle aged woman sitting near the front desk.

  Restless energy filled my body, and I tapped my feet nervously on the cheerless gray carpeted floor. An oppressive weight stuck hard in my chest. I'd handled this situation all wrong. I should've taken him to the hospital last night despite his resistance. The signs had all been there: the bruising, the paleness. Why hadn't I put two and two together?

  I'll never be able to forgive myself if something happens to him.

  I leapt to my feet, unable to bear sitting any longer, and began pacing again. My eyes lost focus as I stared down at the waiting room's ash gray carpet.

  If I hadn't pushed him to open up to me, we never would have gone to his old house, never had that horrible ordeal with Darrel, and Jax would be healthy and whole right now.

  I had been way too vulnerable after the shock of seeing Connor again, and in my desperation to stifle old, unwanted feelings, I'd tried reaching out to Jax. And stubbornly refused to back down when he told me he didn't want my help. In my misguided attempt to be supportive, I'd only proved how bad I was for him.

  I bit my lip as choking sadness welled up inside me. My eyes began to sting with the threat of tears. I blinked rapidly, not willing to let them fall.

  "Riley," a soft voice said.

  I stopped pacing and turned around. Sky stood there, her arms crossed against her chest. Her eyes were anxious.

  "Want to take a walk with me and go find some coffee?" she asked. "I can't stand this waiting around."

  I gulped, trying to loosen the knot in my throat. "Yeah, I could use some too."

  We made for the exit that led to the hallway. A sign painted on the wall pointed the way to a cafe, and we headed down that corridor.

  "I can't believe this is happening," Sky said, her voice tinged with apprehension. "Jax has gotten into so many scrapes before and he's always been fine. What happened last night, Riley?"

  Violent images of the previous night flashed before my eyes, and my stomach twisted. I was the only one who knew the truth. I wanted to tell Sky, but a part of me knew that Jax had kept it a secret for a reason. He would want me to stick to his cover story.

  I took a shallow, shuddery breath. "The fight in the pool hall was worse than Jax made it seem. Those guys were really big and nasty, and he got pretty beat up. I wanted to take him to get checked out at the hospital but he refused to go. He said he was fine, and I believed him."

  I closed my eyes briefly at the painful memory. "He looked alright. In the end I didn't think it was that bad. I don't know how I could've been so stupid."

  I paused as we walked into the coffee shop. Coming after the hushed silence of the waiting room, the cafe was a jarring cacophony of human and machine made noises. The clamor seemed to echo the muddled state of my mind.

  We ordered our coffee, and I fumbled in my purse to get the money to pay for both.

  "Thanks." Sky held the cup up to her lips, but didn't take a sip. She looked at me with concern filling her large brown eyes.

  When she spoke again her voice was quiet. "I think anyone would have made that mistake. Jax looked okay to me this morning, except for the bruises, and I've seen him with plenty of those over the years."

  My fingers reflexively clenched on the warm coffee cup. I shook my head. "I should have been watching him closer."

  Sky tugged at my sleeve and walked over to sit at one of the tables in the middle of the room. I followed and dropped into a chair facing her.

  She took off the lid of her cup and blew on the hot liquid inside. "You're not a doctor, Riley," she said while looking at me from over the rim of the cup. "And it's pretty hard getting Jax to do anything he doesn't want to."

  "Yeah, but still, I should have taken better care of him. I let him down."

  Sudden tears made my vision blurry. My heart felt like it was getting squeezed in a vise. I only wanted to help Jax, but instead I'd hurt him. It was like living out my worst nightmare.

  Her lips tightened in sympathy. She gave me a compassionate look, then reached out and patted my hand. "You know I've known him since we were like fifteen?"

  I nodded, my fingers picking at the plastic lid of my coffee cup.

  "You know what Jax was like back then? Stubborn. Pigheaded. Completely out of control." A warm smile tugged at her lips. "And totally awesome, of course."

  I managed a small smile despite my nerves. Jax at fifteen must have been a trip.

  "Well, he was really wild." She shook her head ruefully at the memory. "And I mean out of his mind reckless. He was always doing crazy, daredevil stuff. Sometimes it was fun, but sometimes it was real scary hanging out with him. Like one time when Jax decided that he wanted to subway surf."

  My eyes widened. I remembered reading about that in the Village Voice. Thrillseekers climbing on top of subway trains as they hurtled through the tunnels, looking for the ultimate joyride. It was so crazy it seemed like an urban legend.

  Sky took a sip of coffee before continuing. "There we were, waiting for the R train in Brooklyn real late at night, and I was so terrified I was shaking. He could have gotten seriously hurt, or worse, you know? But nothing I could say would talk him out of it."

  A fragile smile turned up the corners of my mouth. "That sounds like the Jax I know."

  "Yeah, right? He rode that train, and there was nothing I could do about it. And I knew he'd probably do it again, too. Or something worse."

  I mused on her words for a moment. "Why do you think he did stuff like that?"

  She sighed. "I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I wanted to know about his family and home and stuff, like maybe that had something to do with it, but he always stonewa
lled me. All he'd ever tell me about himself was that he's from California, and he hitchhiked to get to NYC. Eventually I just stopped asking."

  My palms were slightly sweaty and I wiped them on my jeans. On some level, I'd always assumed that Sky knew at least part of Jax's history. They were almost like brother and sister; it was strange he'd shut her totally out.

  I scooted my chair closer to hers. "I actually never heard how you two first met."

  Sky smirked. "Well, that's Jax for you, Mr. Incommunicado. I was going out all the time and was hardly ever home. I was a sucker for live music, so I always hung around this all ages punk club slash art collective on the Lower East Side. Jax and I ran into each other at a hardcore show and hit it off when we found out we both loved Black Flag. We were pretty much inseparable after that."

  "So then Jax stayed with you after you guys got to be friends?"

  She shook her head regretfully. "No, even though that would've helped him out a lot. He was always scrounging for side jobs he could work under the table because he was underage. But my parents had enough of their own problems to want a random teenager staying at their townhouse. You know, the whole 'we married for money and status and now we're miserable' thing."

  She put her elbow on the table and plopped her chin on her hand. A mischievous look settled onto her face. "I was really rebelling against them hard when I met Jax."

  I gave her an encouraging smile. "I guess hanging out with him would be a good way to do it."

  "If they only knew the half of what we got up to!" Sky said with a laugh, her eyes bright. She took another sip of coffee and leaned forward, her expression growing serious again. "But he was the wild one. Like I said, he didn't ever care about himself. It was like he lived for taking risks. And sometimes the stuff he did was super dangerous, like the subway surfing. I used to worry about him a lot."

  "How did you deal with it?" I asked sympathetically.

  Sky shrugged her narrow shoulders. "It was hard, because I was just a kid too. But I got lucky. One day we found these guitars tossed in the alley, and took them back to his place to jam. He lived in this one bedroom apartment he shared with a buddy from a restaurant he used to work at, and he slept on the couch. Tight quarters, but he was happy he had a place, and I liked to be anywhere that wasn't home.

  "We didn't know anything about how to play, but Jax got completely absorbed in learning." She spread out her hands for emphasis. "I mean he spent every day playing until his fingers bled. But that was cool, because playing the guitar changed him a bit. He was still kind of a daredevil guy, but he stopped taking those risks that could've killed him."

  "Wow," I said, feeling my lips curve upward. It was easy to picture Jax bent over his first guitar, doggedly picking out notes and chords until he got it just right. He must have felt so much triumph and pride every time he made a new breakthrough.

  "So he found something better," I murmured.

  "Yep. Music helped him." She paused, and looked at me with a serious expression. "But Riley, I want you to know something. You've helped him too."

  I blinked my eyes. "I have?"

  She nodded emphatically. "Yes. Because Jax has always had problems, has always been stubborn as hell. But when he's with you, he's happier than I've ever seen him." She paused to give me a sincere smile. "And it means a lot to me that you can do that for him."

  My heart swelled as I took a deep, sudden breath. She was so kind. For the first time since Jax's collapse, I felt like I had a reason to be hopeful about us.

  I smiled back at her warmly. A tear hovered at the edge of my eye, but this time it was a happy one. "It means a lot to hear you say that. Thank you."

  Her eyes brightened at seeing me cheer up. "I just don't want you blaming yourself for things you can't control. Jax is changing for the better just because you're around." She laughed. "I mean he's still a stubborn pig, but he's a happy stubborn pig."

  I laughed along with her, wholeheartedly this time. It felt good, like the knots in my belly were finally becoming untied.

  I stood up and stretched. Giving her another smile, I said, "C'mon, let's go check up on our guy."

  We walked back to the waiting room, which was still crowded with weary, worried people. When we got back over to where Kev and Chewie were sitting, they informed us that they hadn't heard anything yet. The guys were looking pretty nervous and frustrated too with all the waiting.

  As the minutes ticked by, the more I fidgeted in my chair. I was able to remain sitting though, and for that I was grateful.

  Then a doctor in a white coat came into the room, one that I recognized from earlier. My eye caught his, and he instantly strode towards me.

  The doctor stopped short in front of our group. "You're here for Jax Trenton?"

  "Yes," I gasped out. I looked at him desperately.

  He cleared his throat and clasped his hands behind his back. "He's going to live."

  Chapter Six

  DOCTOR'S ORDERS

  I saw Jax a few hours later. Exhausted eyes looked back at me from too-pale skin, but all in all, it could have been a lot worse. According to the best doctors in LA, Jax had been bleeding internally in his abdomen since the fight. The blood clotted at first, making him feel well enough to go on stage, but his energetic performance the night of the concert had ripped open the clot. The scary part was, if we'd have waited any longer than we had, there might not have been a recovery.

  Guilt was tearing me apart. I told him that I should have tried harder to make him get checked out, but he waved me away and said it was his fault. I didn't know whether he was on some kind of drugs for his pain or if he was just tired from losing so much blood, but he seemed pretty out of it.

  The nurse hurried us out after a few minutes and we were told we would be able to visit Jax again during regular afternoon visiting hours. With time to kill and nothing on my mind but Jax, I decided to go out and find him a get well soon gift.

  A couple of cab rides and a trip to the Apple store later, I had a gift for Jax. Since it looked like he'd need to take it easy for a while, I'd looked for something that would provide a positive distraction. I even managed to find a drug store nearby so that I could wrap it for him. By the time I was finished putting the finishing touches on it, visiting hours had started.

  As I entered Jax's room, I found him propped up on some pillows, staring at the wall with a sullen expression and a couple days of stubble on his cheeks. He had already gotten a little color back, but he still didn't really look like himself, lying there with an IV in his arm and wearing a hospital gown.

  Still, he was alive, and the smile he flashed when he turned his gaze to me warmed me up.

  "Hi Pepper," he said weakly, adjusting himself so he sat up a little straighter.

  "I came back for you!" I chirped, trying to be as cheerful as possible.

  He nodded and gave me a small smile. "I see that. Thanks."

  A silence hung in the air for several seconds as I studied his face. He seemed to be staring off, trying to keep his eyes on me but unable to do so for any length of time. Something was weird about him.

  I pulled his gift out from behind my back, hoping it would cheer him up. "I got you something," I said, keeping my voice bright.

  His brown eyes opened wide and he took the gift from my hands. "What is it?"

  I was happy to hear a little life in his voice. "Open it!"

  Tearing open the paper, he revealed the iPad I had bought for him and turned it around in his hands. I had even managed to find some Hitchcocks stickers for the back to make it more personalized, and when he inspected them on the back he smiled.

  "Thank you," he said quietly, turning so his gaze met mine. Even though his voice had livened up a bit, his eyes still seemed distant, like he was swimming to the surface just to talk to me. "This is perfect."

  I nodded, even though his expression worried me. "You're welcome," I said, trying to keep things upbeat. "Turn it on! I loaded it up with a few surprises."
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  He obeyed as I leaned around to look over his shoulder. "See? I loaded it up with every Hitchcock movie I could find. So now you can watch them wherever."

  "Wow," he said, looking back up at me, and I caught a glimmer of warmth in the dark depths of his eyes. "You really thought of everything. Thanks."

  He arched his neck so that our faces were close and I leaned down to give him a kiss. Our lips locked tenderly, sending a warm feeling down my spine. I wanted desperately to curl up with him in his bed and be close to him. The intimacy of his touch, even if it was just a simple caress, was like nothing I'd felt with anyone before.

  His lips lingered on mine before we broke off the kiss. I straightened up and gazed into his eyes, my mind racing with all the things I wanted to say to him. "Jax," I said softly, "I never want to lose you."

  His dark brows, including his beautiful eyebrow scar, arched. "Lose me?"

  My stomach twisted as the memory of his collapse flashed through my mind. "I know you didn't want to let your fans down, but you nearly died out there!"

  "But I didn't," he said, his voice gruff. "And I won't let my fans down. Ever."

  I nodded quickly and put my hand on his shoulder to reassure him. "I know, I know. But when I saw you fall over on stage, passed out and pale . . . and then some fans were up on the stage, crowding around and getting all hysterical. I didn't know if you were going to make it. It was scary! Maybe it would help to get some better security at concerts."

  "Pepper, let's not talk about this," he said, exasperation heating up his voice. "It was a freak thing."

  My throat caught slightly as I felt my emotions rising. His mood had changed so quickly. "But what about if your dad's bike gang tries to hurt you? The Reapers? If they found us, they'd want revenge, right? I don't know, it seems like some extra security can't hurt."

  He shook his head. "I don't think the Reapers are coming after us, Riley. And even if they did, extra security at the concert won't help that, but it will make my fans feel less close to the band and that would suck."