Down the Psycho Path

  Ray laughed in spite of the circumstances. “Right? Dad had such a way with words.”

  “Well, he kept things simple.”

  “I miss him,” Ray said. “He would be a big help right now. Not that you aren’t, Mom.”

  “I know just what you mean, honey. I imagine he’s showing Tabby the ropes up there. Giving her one of his ten cent tours.”

  Ray cracked a smile but lost it as he zoned out. His eyes went blank.

  “She’s really gone, isn’t she?”

  His mother patted his hand with hers. “I’m so sorry.”

  He didn’t touch the rest of his whiskey, but Mrs. Noonan finished hers. They took the conversation to the living room where he sat in his recliner. The exhaustion overpowered him and he started to doze. His mother covered him with a blanket and then curled up on the couch.

  ***

  The funeral came and went in a flurry of familiar faces and well-wishes. His refrigerator was full of Tupperware and foil-covered casserole dishes.

  Seven days later, Ray woke to the shrill alarm clock. He roused himself off of the couch and walked upstairs to the guest bathroom. He brushed his teeth and shaved, getting ready for the day. Stephanie had begun to act like herself again in the absence of her mother. She was going to stay with Mrs. Noonan while Ray tried a day at the office. He needed to get back to routine and hoped with that, normal would redefine itself.

  A sleepy little girl shuffled in and stood next to him in the mirror. She rubbed her eyes and then waved at him as he shaved.

  “Time to brush your teeth?”

  She nodded.

  “You want to shave too?”

  She nodded again, a hint of a smile on her lips. He squirted some shaving cream in his hand and rubbed it on her cheeks. She dragged a plastic, toy razor off the counter and scraped off the cream, rinsing it in the running water.

  “Nicely done,” Ray said and gave her a quick hug. Then he made up her toothbrush and she scrubbed her teeth while he finished shaving.

  “Where are you going, Daddy?”

  He looked at her in the mirror. “Work. I’m going to go back to work today.”

  “Who will stay with me?” she asked. The with sounded like wiff.

  “Grandma will be here any minute.”

  “Mommy won’t stay with me?”

  His eyes squeezed out a couple of tears to match the knot in his throat and Ray knelt down to her size.

  “Mommy will always be with you, but she has to watch from heaven.”

  “Is she sad?”

  “She misses you, honey. But I don’t think she’s sad. Heaven is a reward for living a good life.”

  “But I’m sad and I miss her.”

  “I know. I’m sad too. Maybe Mommy is a little sad, but she knows one day she’ll get to see you again, and won’t you two have a lot to talk about?”

  She nodded, then finished brushing her teeth. She smiled up at Ray to show him how clean they were.

  “Good job,” he said. “What do you want for breakfast?”

  “Pancakes.”

  “Excellent choice, Madame.”

  She giggled at his bad French accent. He put on a clean shirt and tie and then scooped her up to carry downstairs just as there was a knock at the door.

  “Grandma!” Stephanie shouted.

  Mrs. Noonan entered, hugging both, and then dropping her bag on the kitchen counter.

  “Pancakes for breakfast again,” Ray said.

  “Good thing I froze all those for you,” she said.

  “Yes, I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done, Mom.”

  “I wouldn’t know what else to do, Raymond. I love being able to help, even though I hate the circumstances.”

  He smiled at her and checked his watch. “Hey, I’m running late. Coffee will have to do.”

  “Think you’ll be there all day?”

  “I hope so. Unless it’s a pity party. I can’t stomach another person telling me it will all be okay.”

  “Ray, they just want you to know they care.”

  “Right.” He grabbed his keys and wallet, kissed the little one and he was out the door. It was the first time he’d been in the car alone in a week. The silence was equally painful and comforting. Tabby’s perfume filled his nose and he drank it in gratefully, leaving the windows up on purpose. He only broke down and cried one time, at a stop light where she always made a point to kiss him. The rest of the trip, he was numb.

  His office building looked small that day, the walk shorter, the elevator ride faster, and the job seemed unimportant. He wasn’t met with sympathy, but worried stares from those who saw him. It was as if they were afraid to approach him. He entered his office and nudged the door shut with his foot. He looked out the window and across the parking lot. A tiny knock caught his attention.

  “Sir?”

  He looked in the direction of the voice. Courtney Black, Ray’s secretary, stood in the doorway. She was round with short brown hair, blue eyes and a smart, trendy wardrobe. Her attitude was pleasant and she was a most efficient employee. She meant a lot to him.

  “I’m fine, Court. I’ll be fine.”

  “Sir, I’m just so sorry. I loved Tabby so much. Can I get you anything? I’ve been postponing or giving your appointments to Ron and Jackie.”

  “Calm down. We’ll ease back into this. No appointments today. Maybe not tomorrow either. I’ll have to see how today goes. If you could do me one thing?”

  “Sir?”

  “Don’t let anyone else in here. I don’t want a lot of blubbering. I’ve had enough.”

  “Yes sir, Mr. Noonan.”

  “Court.”

  “Yes?”

  “Please call me Ray. You’ve been doing it for five years.”

  “I know, but I just…I don’t know what to say. How’s Steph?”

  That was a better question. He liked that question. “Tell you what. If you’ll grab us some coffee and the doughnuts I like, we’ll talk about Steph.”

  Courtney smiled and nodded and was gone in a flash. He saw her stop to tell a few of the others not to bother him. Thank you, he thought. When she returned, they talked about Stephanie and how she was handling things. Courtney was heartbroken, as was Ray.

  “She’s such a brave girl,” he said. “She’s home with my mother today. I think I’ll take her the rest of these doughnuts.”

  “You should have brought her with you,” Courtney said.

  “Not yet. I want her to start getting used to the new arrangement. I’ll have to get her into preschool or daycare next week,” Ray said.

  “Are you going to take the rest of today off?”

  “I think marketing will still exist tomorrow. Do you have enough to keep busy?”

  Courtney smiled. “I have plenty to do.”

  “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

  “Of course, Ray, it was my pleasure.” She stood up to leave. “See you in the morning?”

  “I think so,” he said. Ray packed up the doughnuts and glanced at his computer monitor. One hundred and forty emails waited for him. He would take a look at them the next day.

  ***

  Stephanie jumped on him as he opened the door.

  “Hey baby. Let me get in the door, will ya?”

  “You’re home early, Daddy,” she said.

  “Well, I thought you might be missing me.”

  Mrs. Noonan stood in the background smiling. She nodded in response to his statement. “Yes, she has been missing her daddy.”

  “But you had fun with Grandma, right?”

  Stephanie nodded. “What’s in the box?”

  “Snakes. Big ones.”

  “Daddy!”

  “They’re doughnuts. Courtney brought them in and said to give you a big hug.”

  The little girl smiled, and pulled a glazed doughnut from the box, stuffing a big chunk into her mouth. “I like Courtney,” she said.

  “That was sweet of her,” his mother said.


  “Poor thing, she was a wreck. I think she was as nervous about seeing me as she was torn up about T-A-B-B-Y,” he said.

  Stephanie finished her doughnut and looked at her daddy for permission.

  “You can have one more,” he said. “Want some milk?”

  “Orange juice,” she said through a mouthful.

  Grandma poured the glass and set it on the table, then scooped up the little girl and placed her on the chair next to it before the adults walked into the living room, just out of earshot.

  “Is she okay?” he asked.

  “Fine,” Mrs. Noonan said. “She’s strong just like her mother. No tears, but she needs a lot of reassurance.”

  He peeked around at her through the doorway. Stephanie was feeding a bite of doughnut to her stuffed monkey. “Anything else happen around here today?” Ray asked.

  “You had a phone call from David Hutton.”

  Ray looked confused, then shocked. “David? Wow, I haven’t heard from him in months.”

  “He said the same. He heard about Tabby and said he wanted to come to town and see you. His number is on the fridge. It might do you some good to see an old friend.” She looked into the kitchen where Stephanie was now giving Bananas a sip of her juice. “I’ll be glad to watch her for a couple hours. Maybe she can spend the night at Grandma’s house?”

  “It would be good to see him. I don’t think I can be alone in here though, Mom. I’m still sleeping on the couch. I haven’t even been in our room yet other than to get my clothes. I can’t stand it in there. Maybe I shouldn’t.”

  “Nah, don’t talk like that. You start putting off your life and there won’t be any life to go back to. Do normal things, Raymond. Do your best.”

  He looked around the room, at the pictures and the décor, all Tabby. “I just don’t…”

  She touched his hand. “That will pass, honey. I know it seems like it won’t, but it will.”

  He nodded even though he didn’t believe her. He couldn’t describe the hole inside him, and couldn’t see it ever getting filled. Everything in the house reminded him of Tabby. The paint on the walls that was much darker than she thought it would be when they picked it out, the crooked way she hung pictures, a burn mark on the kitchen counter where she had set down a hot pan to stop a then three-year-old Stephanie from cutting her own hair with safety scissors. She was everywhere in that house and he had never felt so alone.

  “Okay. Will you hang out for a few more minutes while I give David a call?”

  “I’m here as long as you need me, son. I’ll move right in if that’s what it takes. Go call him.”

  She went back to the kitchen to sit with the little one, even pulled out a doughnut of her own and ate it. Ray grabbed the phone number from the refrigerator and went out on the back porch to dial David’s number. He didn’t want his mother to move in. It was nice to have her around, but he didn’t want her to move in.

  “My brother,” David said when he answered. They had been friends since their sophomore year in college. Not fraternity brothers—Ray didn’t like the fraternity scene—but brothers anyway.

  “Hey. Long time.”

  “No shit. Too long it seems. I’m so sorry about Tabby.”

  “Me too.”

  “She was a great one,” David said.

  “The best,” Ray replied. “Hey, how is Laura?”

  There was a long silence on the line before David answered. “She’s a wreck. It was rough breaking the news to her. I…shit, I don’t have to tell you how hard this is. Hey, let’s focus on the good times, though, right?”

  “Thank you for that. I can’t take any more she’s in a better place or she’s with Jesus or time heals all wounds. It is literally making me crazy.”

  “So, do you want to go out and get smashed? Blow off some steam?”

  “Ha ha, no. Not really.”

  “Yeah, me either. How about a beer and some conversation. I can come up Thursday, or any time over the weekend. I can even stay a couple days if you like. I’ll bring Laura and we’ll spoil that little niece of ours.”

  Ray choked back a tear. It would be good to see them, but he didn’t want Laura there if he was without Tabby. Not so soon. He didn’t know Laura that well and Tabby was the conversationalist. It would be awkward on top of everything else. He made a snap decision. “Maybe Thursday after work? About 5:30 or so at Dickie’s? It’s a little pub over on Eleventh Street.”

  “Fine by me. I remember the place, buddy. I’ll see you there.”

  “Great. Good talkin’ David.”

  “Yeah. Hey, you take care. Hug that daughter of yours.”

  “I will.”

  He did. She was sticky with doughnut and orange juice, but he hugged her and spent the day on the living room floor playing dolls after Grandma went home. It was something he never did. Something Tabby had always done, shooting him random evil glances as he worked or surfed the internet or had one too many beers. She had scolded him often about missing time with the child and he was trying to make up for that, to fill in some impossible-to-fill shoes.

  “I only hope I can be enough,” he said to no one, to himself…to Tabby as Stephanie strutted around the living room with her stuffed monkey, claiming he was Prince Bananas and she was a princess.

  When he tucked her in that night, they prayed together. “And bless Mommy in heaven. Please tell her I love her. And bless Daddy. I love him too,” she said.

  Ray stayed by her side until she was asleep. His little girl was a perfect angel just like his mother had said, and for the first time since that day at the hospital, he thought he might survive. It was just a single spark of light in the darkness, but he was thankful for it.

  He left Stephanie’s room, walked to the master bedroom and opened the door. It swung in and the handle tapped the wall. The bed wasn’t even made. There were dirty clothes on the floor. Her clothes mixed with his. He stood there for a long time staring at them, never crossing the threshold. Then he leaned in and pulled the door closed and went to the couch to sleep.

  “Not yet,” he said.

  ***

  “Good morning, Ray,” Courtney said.

  Her smile was infectious, a smile that meant something was up. He put his things on his desk and then leaned out the door to look at her.

  “Hi Court. What’s going on?”

  “Why do you ask?”

  “You have the smile.”

  “Do I?”

  He frowned. “Just tell me. I’m not gonna break. Besides, I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t want to get to work. It’ll be good for me.”

  “It’s Mr. Keller, Ray. He wants to meet you today and he’s a little pissed.”

  “Shit. Really?”

  “Yes. I did like you said and told all of your clients you were out on family business. So he has no idea about Tabby. Do you want me to call and schedule something for next week? I can explain it to him.”

  Ray laughed. “Hell no. He would eat you for breakfast. I’ll talk to him. I’ll regret it, but do schedule an appointment. Tell him I can meet him at any time. I just have to be out of here by 4:30 today.”

  “Got it. I’ll call his office.”

  Ray no sooner closed his door than his phone buzzed. It was Courtney.

  “You forget something?” he asked.

  “No. Mr. Keller will be here in thirty minutes.”

  “That was quick. Thanks,” Ray said.

  He looked around his office, at the clutter on his desk, the clutter on his computer screen. Then he started to laugh. His job seemed like a diversion, something unimportant that kept him away from his life and for the first time, he regretted not being home with his little girl. After a minute of nervous laughter, he sighed.

  “Gotta pay the bills,” he whispered and then started clicking through emails. He deleted the junk mail and solicitations. Then he placed things to look at later into specific folders. At the bottom of the screen he saw one from Tabitha Noonan. It took him thirty se
conds to summon his strength. The mouse cursor floated over his dead wife’s name, bringing up her email address in a small yellow window. He took a deep breath and clicked on the link. What came up was short, simple and devastating.

  Ray,

  I love you. Whatever happens tomorrow, I love you. See you on the other side!

  Always, Tabby

  That was all it said. That was all it had to say. He covered his eyes and put his head on the desk. The tears flowed into his shirt sleeve, soaking the crook of his elbow. It didn’t last long. He wiped his face with his hands, then marked the email as ‘important’ and saved it in his personal file.

  “I love you too, baby,” he said.

  Ray checked the clock and saw he still had fifteen minutes. He shoved a stack of papers into one of his desk drawers and then rushed to the restroom to wash his face before Keller arrived. The man had no mercy.

  On his way back to his office, Ray stopped and stood at Courtney’s desk. He was at a loss for words.

  “You would like a fresh pot of coffee and a pitcher of ice water brought into your office. Cups and glasses for four people and hold your calls?” she asked, smiling.

  “Exactly,” he said. “Thanks.”

  “Yep.”

  Keller walked off the elevator seconds later. His expression sour as he stomped between the cubicles. He stopped at Courtney’s desk in his expensive suit. His perfectly groomed silver hair and sunglasses gleamed equally in the fluorescent light.

  “You may go right in, sir,” she said.

  He didn’t say a word to her, but turned and shoved the door. Without sitting down, he pulled off his five-hundred dollar shades and started.

  “This project is going to run over schedule, Noonan. This is the type of bullshit that takes me over the edge. If you make me lose money I take my business elsewhere. You can’t afford that.”

  Ray sat dumbfounded. He was tired of the sympathy, it was true, but if he could have used one tiny break, it was this one. He spread his arms out on his desk, pressing the button on his intercom phone so Courtney could listen in.

  “Sir, I have the original team working on your account, and I’ve added three more members to take up my slack. We will have the presentation ready for next Tuesday’s meeting as planned. All of your...”

  Keller interrupted, “I’m not paying for extra personnel because you couldn’t keep your end of the bargain, Noonan. That smells like bullshit. Just bullshit.”