Slowly We Trust

  “There you go,” I said, pulling the towel off his shoulders. “If you hate it, don’t blame me.” He went to my mirror and looked at his hair, going really close and squinting at his reflection.

  “Looks good to me, but it’ll have to dry to be sure. Thanks, Aud.” He spun around, came over to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek before I could realize what was happening.

  “Thanks,” he said again, his face mere inches from mine. Our noses where a whisper away from touching.

  “You’re welcome,” I said, staring into his eyes and regretting it. Those eyes. They pulled me in, made me forget everything else, all the reasons to say no, all the reasons that I shouldn’t allow myself to close the gap between us and press my lips to his.

  His eyes were to blame for the fact that I leaned forward and kissed him. His lips didn’t help the situation any, either.

  I shouldn’t have kissed him, but then I shouldn’t have let him in. Not just to my dorm room. I shouldn’t have let him in to my life and into my head.

  What was done couldn’t be undone, and I couldn’t pull my mouth away from his as soon as he put his hand up to hold my chin and started caressing my mouth so gently with his. Like he was afraid if he pushed too hard I would vanish. It was a sweet kiss, a careful kiss.

  It still made me ache in all the right places and push my body toward his, wanting more.

  Sensing my willingness, Will sucked on my bottom lip and tested me with his tongue. I opened my mouth, letting him in. I’d been fighting him so much and I was tired of it.

  I was exhausted from trying to push him away. I was an emotional wreck and I just wanted to let myself feel for a little while.

  So I brushed his tongue with mine, tasting him as I wound my arms around his neck and pressed up against him. When we’d made out before, I’d always let him take the lead, but this time I was in control. It was my choice to push closer, harder, more.

  I backed him up until his legs hit the spare bed and he crashed back on it, with me falling on top of him. The kiss was broken by his head banging off the wall.

  “Oh my God!” I said at the same time he moaned in pain and clutched the back of his head.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, but I couldn’t help but laugh at his expression.

  “Are you trying to knock me out?” He rubbed the back of his head and winced.

  “Maybe,” I said, fingering the blunt strands of his hair. “Any permanent damage?”

  “I don’t think so. But you might want to kiss me to make sure.” I gave him a look as he stroked the side of my face.

  “How would kissing you have anything to do with a bump on the back of your head?” I couldn’t stop touching his hair.

  “I might have a concussion and you need to keep me awake. With your lips.” He leaned forward and started kissing me so I couldn’t protest. That was one way to stop me from arguing with him.

  The kiss became more insistent. He wasn’t being as careful now, because he knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I moved until I was straddling him, my hair spilling down and getting in our way. He wrapped it around one of his hands and used it to pull my face closer. Our movements became rougher, harder. We kissed with a desperation that was born of us resisting for so long. Whatever this thing was between us had just ignited and if we weren’t careful, it was going to consume us.

  Our hands started tugging at clothing and his shirt was the first to go, and then it was my turn.

  And then I remembered what he would see if he took my shirt all the way off. It was a tunic, so it was so long that it skimmed below my hips. Perfect for hiding what I needed it to hide. My hands slammed down on the hem of my shirt as he tried to raise it.

  “No,” I said into his mouth. “Shirt stays on.” That made him break the kiss.

  “Why do you get to keep your shirt on?” I was momentarily distracted from my need to keep my shirt on by the fact that his wasn’t. To avoid answering his question, I ran my hands up and down his chest, over the peaks and valleys, his flat nipples, the little sprinkling of dark gold hair that led from his bellybutton lower . . .

  “I can’t tell you why. I just need for it to stay on and for you not to touch my top half. Everything else . . . is okay.” I hoped he knew what I was saying without me having to say it. The bulge in his pants led me to believe he knew exactly what I was talking about.

  “But I want to see you.”

  “I know, but I can’t. It’s this or nothing.” He kissed the side of my face and then my neck and I wondered what he was thinking.

  He pulled away from me and rested his head against my stomach.

  “Okay.”

  He was agreeing?

  “If the only way I can have you is like this, then okay. I love you and I want to be with you.” For a moment, time stopped.

  “I love you, too.” I couldn’t hold back the words anymore. They’d been inside me for so long. I tried to kill them, to make them go away, but they’d only gained strength.

  “You love me?” Will whispered, wonder in his eyes, as if he’d thought such a thing was impossible.

  “I love you.” They were easier to say the second time. He beamed up at me and I couldn’t help but smile back as he started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” I started laughing too.

  “I’m so happy and relieved. I always thought I would be the only one. That I would love you and you would never love me back.”

  What?

  “Then why did you keep pursuing me? If you didn’t think that it would ever go anywhere.”

  He sighed and pulled me closer.

  “Because I had to give it a shot. Because I love you and I didn’t know what else to do.”

  His words were daggers, reminding me that he was good and I was not and I shouldn’t want him or love him or have him.

  But here he was and here I was and I couldn’t think about what I should do anymore. I just wanted to let go for a little while.

  “I love you.” Three times.

  “I love you, Aud.” I crossed the distance between us and brought our lips together once more.

  Now that my feelings were out in the open, I felt bolder, so I took Will’s hands that had been gripping my hips and brought them back up to my shirt. His lips stilled on mine.

  “You just said—” I stopped him with another kiss.

  “I know. Just ignore whatever I’ve ever said before I told you I loved you. Just forget all of it.” I definitely wanted to. I wanted to forget my life before him. Leave it behind. Erase it and fill my head with him.

  “I think I can do that.” His hands gripped my shirt and inched it slowly upwards. He shifted so he could follow with a trail of kisses.

  Soon he lifted my shirt over my head and I was left with only my bra.

  He looked at me as if he was seeing me for the first time.

  “Shit, you’re even more beautiful than I imagined. Are you even real?”

  “Are you?” I countered and he flicked the clasp on the back of my bra and pulled the straps over my shoulders, exposing me. I had half a mind to cross my arms over my chest, but stopped when Will sucked in a breath.

  “Beautiful, you are,” he said, which made me giggle. Of course, he would choose now to go Yoda on me.

  My giggles turned into gasps as he kissed and sucked my skin, causing shivers to race down my spine. He was probably leaving evidence in the form of hickeys on my neck, but that was the last thing on my mind as he kissed the spot where my breast swelled out from my chest and then downward, avoiding my nipple. Was he afraid of it? He kissed all the way around and then switched to the other breast. I made a little sound of frustration and he chuckled against my skin.

  “I’m taking my time. I want to devour you, but you deserve better. You deserve slow seduction. I can’t believe I just said that. I don’t think I’ve ever used that word in my life.” I didn’t need seduction. I didn’t need slow. I didn’t need anything but him.

  I twisted my hands in his
hair and pulled his face up for a kiss.

  “I’m yours. Go whatever speed you want.” My body was awake now, remembering this feeling. It had been a long time since I’d been with someone.

  “You sure? I could light some candles, or get rose petals, or something like that,” he said as his hands rubbed the undersides of my breasts.

  “No, this is good. This is more than good.” I bit my lip and arched into his hands as he made slow circles with his thumbs before he closed his mouth over one nipple and rubbed the other with his thumb.

  I moaned and he tipped us to the side and then climbed on top of me, pressing his body into me. That was more like it.

  “I don’t know how long I can hold out, Aud. I’ve thought and imagined this so many times and I can barely believe that it’s happening.”

  Me, neither.

  I ran my hands up and down his chest before undoing the button on his jeans.

  “Shit, Aud,” he said, his eyes closing for a moment. “Do you have something? I didn’t exactly plan on this, so I’m not prepared.”

  Well, I didn’t plan on having sex ever again, so I didn’t have anything either. And I wasn’t on the pill.

  “Can you hold on for two minutes?” I asked, motioning for him to let me up.

  “I’ll do my best. No promises.” He slid off me and started muttering to himself as I grabbed a sweatshirt and threw it on before grabbing my key card and dashing through the door.

  The RA had a little basket of condoms taped to her door for just such emergencies. A group of girls walked by me and I pretended to read something posted on the bulletin board before I snatched a handful of condoms and raced back to my room.

  “Problem solved,” I said, holding up the stash.

  “Did you get those from the RA?” I tossed them on the bed and whipped off the sweatshirt.

  “Yeah. I hope they’re not from the dollar store.” I was dubious about trusting strange condoms.

  “They’re name brand. We’re good.” For a moment, I remembered the scene in Pretty Woman where Julia Roberts asks Richard Gere to choose which condom he wants.

  I sat down next to Will and reached for him.

  “We’re doing this,” he said, brushing the rest of the condoms to the floor.

  “We’re doing this,” I agreed and he kissed me again, moving so he was straddling me again. His hands went back to my nipples, pinching them until they stood up. Our movements were more frantic this time, and soon his hands were moving down to my pants and pulling them over my hips, along with my underwear.

  We didn’t have time for slow seduction. There would be time for that later. I lay bare before him as his eyes raced up and down my body, taking me in. He’d said he wanted to devour me, and his eyes were. I flushed and hoped he didn’t linger too long on the scar that marred my stomach. But he seemed too distracted by other parts of my body to notice.

  “You have the most gorgeous skin, Aud. I want to taste all of it.” I wouldn’t mind that.

  He dragged his hands from my chest downward, before getting up and pulling me to the edge of the bed so my legs hung down.

  “Kandy didn’t like me going down on her. She was really self-conscious about it, so I stopped trying.” He kneeled and pulled my legs apart. “It was kind of a relief, because, honestly, it made things go quicker. That probably should have been a red flag.” He leaned forward and licked my opening with his tongue, causing my hips to thrust toward his mouth. I tried not to think about the fact that he was talking about his ex while he was going down on me. She didn’t matter.

  “But you, Aud. You’re different.” He licked again and a moan escaped my mouth.

  “I could do this,” lick, “forever,” lick. A sweet burning sensation spread through my body as Will kissed and licked me, paying special attention to where I needed him most. Then he added one finger, slowly pushing inside me, before pulling out and thrusting in again.

  For a guy who said he didn’t do this very much, he knew what he was doing. He added a second finger to the first, stretching me.

  I moved my hands into his hair for something to hold onto. I tried not to rip his hair out as I felt myself rising, rising, rising.

  “I’m almost there,” I moaned.

  “Come on, baby. Come for me. Let go.” I couldn’t remember saying anything during my previous sexual encounters. Talking seemed strange and awkward somehow. But everything was different with Will.

  “Come on baby,” he said again and thrust one more time with his fingers and that was it.

  “Oh fuck, Will!” I came hard. Harder than I had in a while. I’d been in a masturbation rut lately, and more often than not, I gave up and fell asleep before I could finish. Being with another person was so different than being by yourself. Seeing him as he kissed me, worshipped my body, was a better turn-on than anything else.

  “Shitfuck, you face is so beautiful when you come. I want to see you like that every day. Every fucking day, Aud.”

  He kissed me at the intersection of my legs and then started kissing his way back up my body.

  “Ready?”

  I only nodded and brought his mouth back to mine, before breaking away to roll on the condom. He adjusted himself and brushed my hair away from my face with his thumbs.

  I was ready for him. I’d been ready since the first day I’d met him.

  “Please, Will.” That was all it took for him to push inside me.

  “Oh, God,” I moaned as he kept pushing. As if he was afraid of hurting me.

  “Am I hurting you?” he said, his voice tight with concentration.

  “No. Will, I’m not a virgin.” Shock flashed across his face. This was probably a conversation we should have had before this moment, but we hadn’t.

  “I’m not a virgin Will.” To further prove my point, I crossed my legs behind his back and thrust my hips upward, taking all of him inside me.

  “You’re not going to hurt me. Please, Will.” I dug my nails into his back, hoping it would spur him into action.

  It worked.

  He leaned down and kissed me once before pulling out and thrusting into me. This time he wasn’t as gentle.

  “Harder, Will. More.” I urged him and coaxed him and that was all it took for him to move the way I wanted him to.

  “You feel so good, Aud. So good.” So did he. His body fit perfectly inside mine, hitting all the right spots with each thrust and I knew I was going to come again. Under my fingers, Will’s muscles tensed as he pounded into me.

  “Shit, Will.” I almost never swore, but I couldn’t help the curse word from coming from my lips as I reached orgasm again.

  Will thrust into me a few more times and then groaned above me. He’d said my face was beautiful when I came, and his was too.

  He smiled down at me and leaned down to kiss my nose before he rolled to the side, still inside me. I kept my arms wrapped around him. I never wanted to let him go. Now that we’d been together, I knew that trying to just be friends with him was ludicrous. Will and I would never just be friends.

  “I love you,” he said.

  “I love you, too.”

  I still couldn’t believe that she was naked in front of me, let alone the fact that we’d just had sex. No, that wasn’t sex. Being with Audrey was something else entirely.

  We lay side by side and I couldn’t stop staring at her glorious skin. It glowed under the harsh fluorescent lights of the dorm.

  She stared at me and I wondered what she saw. If she was as happy as I was in this moment. And then she smiled.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I’m just really, really happy. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this happy. I feel like I’m going to die from it.”

  “Well, we can’t have that. No dying.” I ran my hand up and down her side, grateful that she didn’t seem to be one of those girls who wanted to cover up her body the second the sex was over. There was one thing I wanted to ask her about and that was the scar that cut horizontally
right around the area of her bikini line. I’d never seen something like that.

  “Did you have your appendix out?” I said, running my finger over the scar. It had to be relatively new, because it was still red and not white and faded.

  “Uh, no,” she said, taking my hand and removing it before trying to cover herself with the sheet under us.

  “Hey, hey, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  “I’m not ashamed of it,” she said, trying to pull the sheet out from under herself without much success.

  “You’re so beautiful, Aud.” Why couldn’t she see what I saw when I looked at her?

  My compliment made her smile a little and stop her attempts to cover up.

  “You’re not so bad yourself, William.” I liked her calling me by my full name. I hated it when my sister, my mother or anyone else did. But Audrey was the exception.

  “I know I'm good-looking,” I said, swooping my hair back dramatically. There was much less to swoop now, but my intention had been to make her laugh and I succeeded.

  “You pretend to be cocky, but you’re really not,” she said, running her hands through my hair, fingering the blunt ends from where she’d cut it.

  “Oh, so you think you have me all figured out, huh?” I moved until I was propped above her.

  “Maybe,” she said, grinning.

  “Now who’s cocky?” She stuck her tongue out at me, in a very un-Audrey way.

  “That’s it,” I said and leaned down to blow on her stomach.

  “Stop it!” She squealed, trying to fold herself up and get away from me.

  “Never.” I rolled sideways and started tickling her ribs until she laughed so hard she couldn’t breathe and tears streamed down her face.

  “Now who’s the cocky one?” I said, kissing her bellybutton.

  “Not me,” she said, gasping and wiping her eyes. “Never again.”

  “Say cocky.” I propped my head on my elbow and she turned toward me and mirrored my position.

  “Why?”

  “Because I like the way your mouth looks when you say ‘cock’.”

  She wrinkled her nose.