Slowly We Trust

  “Then why do it?” I asked Magnus.

  “Have you ever heard the expression ‘beauty is pain’? I think the opposite is true.” He smiled and patted Trish on the shoulder before giving her a mirror to check out her new piercing. It looked at home with all the other studs in her ear.

  “So, how about it? Twenty percent off,” he said to me as Trish stood up on shaky feet.

  “You could get second holes in your ears,” Trish said, tugging on my earlobe. I had thought about it before, but didn’t have the guts or the opportunity.

  “Live a little, Aud,” Trish said, squeezing my shoulder and winking.

  “O-Okay,” I said and before I knew it, I was sitting in the chair and he was cleaning my earlobes and making dots on them. He repeated the process that he’d used with Trish, and before I knew it, I had two new holes in my ears.

  “Took it like a champ,” Trish said, as I let go of her hand. “And now that you’ve started, you won’t be able to stop. Trust me. It’s addicting.”

  Magnus handed me the mirror and I checked out the delicate crystal studs that now sat right above the pearls I had in my original holes. I was definitely shaky when I got to my feet and Magnus gave me a sheet with instructions on how to care for my ears.

  “I’ll help her. I know the drill,” Trish said. “Next stop, first tattoo.” Second holes in my lobes was one thing, but permanently inking my body was something else entirely. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready for that.

  Trish ended up paying for my ears, even though I told her not to. She hugged Magnus again and he told me to come back to him anytime.

  My ears had started burning and they pulsed with pain.

  “Ow,” I said, touching my ear gingerly.

  “Don’t touch. That’s the first rule. And I’ll give you some of my cleaning stuff for them. How do you feel, Wild Woman?” I didn’t exactly feel like a wild woman.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But I’m really hungry right now.”

  “Then let’s get you something to eat.”

  “Okay, Mr. Mopey-pants. You need sun. And a shower,” Simon said, yanking the blankets off my bed and pulling up the venetian blinds.

  The sun was cruel. I closed my eyes against it and moaned.

  Simon sat down on the edge of my bed.

  “I know that you’re bound to be a little depressed right now. That’s only natural, but you’ve sunk a little too low for . . . well, you. You didn’t act like this with Kandy.”

  “Audrey isn’t Kandy,” I mumbled. “Not even close.” Kandy had been a nice girl, and I had cared for her, but she wasn’t the girl. And all I could think about when I thought of her was all the things I didn’t like about her. Why the hell had I dated her anyway?

  “Come on. It’s time to get up. You’ve missed enough classes and meals and it’s not healthy anymore. Come on, get up.” Simon’s voice was sharp, a tone I’d never heard before. It made me sit up in surprise.

  “Now get your ass out of bed before I drag you. Go!” He pointed to the door as he yelled, his face dark as a storm.

  Wow. I must be really bad if Simon was putting his mean face on. I ran my fingers through my hair. Or at least I tried to. It was so tangled that the task was impossible. I could also smell the shirt I was wearing, and it wasn’t a good thing.

  Okay, so I was beyond disgusting. I’d crossed over to Funkville, USA, population: Me.

  “I’ll go shower.”

  “Oh, thank goodness,” Simon said, collapsing on his bed. “I don’t like being the bad cop. But seriously, you were getting disgusting. I was one day away from carrying you to the shower and shoving you in. Thanks for not making me do that.”

  “You’re welcome.” I gathered up some fresh clothes and my shower stuff and headed for the bathroom.

  I stood for a long time under the running water, just thinking.

  I hadn’t seen or talked to Audrey in a week. Not once. She’d asked me to leave her alone, so I was going to respect that. No starting over, no being just friends. Quitting, period.

  I couldn’t remember the last time my life had sucked this much, and it wasn’t just the absence of Audrey that made it that way. Lottie was also having a hard time, and that made it so much worse.

  Not just a hard time, an impossible time. She tried to split her time between me and Audrey, giving us both equal visitation, but it was wearing on her. The other problem was that she didn’t feel like she could talk about Audrey in my presence, or comment on her existence in any way. I was sure she did the same thing when she saw Audrey. I’d asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t. My stubborn sister. She loved both of us and she was determined to stay bonded with each of us. Well, she didn’t really have a choice where I was concerned, but she also refused to abandon her friend. Not that I blamed her.

  I asked Simon about it when Lottie wasn’t around. Our group had fractured a little bit now that Lottie, Katie and Trish sometimes spent nights with Audrey, leaving “the boys” to fend for ourselves. It was the most time I’d spent apart from Lottie at college, and it felt unnatural. I was always looking for her, or waiting for her to arrive, or turning to tell her something, assuming she was still beside me.

  It was like missing half of my body.

  I shook my head and remembered that I needed to wash my hair. I still couldn’t get my hands through it.

  I should just cut it. I finished my shower and went back to my room and called Lottie.

  “Hey, you free this afternoon? I really need that haircut.”

  “Yeah, I can absolutely do that for you.” I could hear her walking and then a door closing. That probably meant she was somewhere with Audrey. Thinking her name still made a jolt of pain go through me. I wondered how long it would take for that to subside. If I’d ever be able to see her again and not feel the way I currently felt.

  “So I’ll see you in a few hours?” I said, finally remembering that I was on the phone with Lottie.

  “I’ll come to you.”

  I hung up and Simon threw my tennis racket at me. Good thing I had decent reflexes and I caught it before it hit me in the face.

  “Tennis, anyone?” Simon said, holding up my spare racket and made a few practice swings.

  “Tennis? Really?”

  “Well, if you get sassy with me, I can beat you with the racket, so it’s a win-win.” I gave him a look, but got up and went to change into more athletic clothing.

  “I completely forgot that the word love is in this game. My bad. But still, it never hurts to hit a few balls, if you know what I mean,” Simon said with a wink as we took our places across from each other on the court.

  “No, actually, I don’t know a whole lot about hitting balls, Simon.”

  “Well, you don’t know what you’re missing. Your serve.” He threw a ball at me and I caught it, pointing at him with my racket.

  “Enough. Let’s play.” I served first and Simon volleyed back and then I smashed the ball into the court right on the line.

  “That was in,” I said.

  “Normally, I would argue with you, but I’m afraid you’ll decapitate me in my sleep with that thing, so I’ll let it slide. Fifteen-Love.”

  We kept playing, scoring pretty evenly. Simon was no tennis slouch.

  “My parents made me take lessons when I was younger. It was one of the approved Wasp activities.” Simon’s parents were hardcore country clubbers, and also jerks who couldn’t seem to accept that their son was, in fact, gay and not just “rebelling” or “going through a phase.” They’d even sent him to one of those creepy camps where they try to un-gay you, but all that had happened was he’d hooked up a lot, so it hadn’t been a completely horrible experience for him.

  I won three out of five sets and by the time we were done my shirt was soaked with sweat and my hair was dripping in my eyes. Yeah, I definitely needed that haircut. I was also starving.

  “If I don’t eat something, I’m going to pass out,” Simon said as we both wiped our face
s with the scratchy towels in the locker room.

  “Agreed,” I said as we walked toward the little café located next to the tennis courts on the first level of the fitness center.

  Two girls were waiting for smoothies in front of us, and I could feel them checking both of us out.

  “Nice day for a workout, isn’t it?” Simon said with a huge smile. If anyone else would have said the same phrase, it would have been corny, but Simon made it work.

  He started chatting with them and tried to bring me into the conversation, but I wasn’t in the mood. I was sure these two were perfectly nice and sweet (or maybe not, I didn’t know them), but they weren’t Audrey. If I couldn’t talk to her, I didn’t really see the point in talking to someone else.

  I’d apparently abandoned Funkville for Emoville. I could feel Simon trying to draw me out, but I just wasn’t into it. And then there was a voice behind me that made me freeze.

  “Hi, Will.” I would have heard her voice across a room full of people shouting.

  I could see Simon staring at me, waiting for my reaction.

  For a second, I considered ignoring her and pretending she wasn’t there. But I couldn’t ignore her if I tried.

  “Hi, Aud.” The sight of her after not seeing her in a week hit me like a punch in the gut.

  She had her hair pulled back in a long ponytail and her tank top and shorts hugged her body in a way that made me remember what it was like to feel that body pressed against mine.

  “How-how are you?” she said, moving her hand to brush her hair over her shoulder, but forgetting it was up.

  Sweaty, currently. Probably didn’t smell all that great. And missing her.

  “I’m good. How are you?”

  We moved out of the line so we could talk and I heard Simon ordering me a sandwich.

  “Good . . . good.” She nodded and clasped her arms in front of her.

  Shit, this was awkward.

  “I thought you wanted me to leave you alone?” I hoped I didn’t sound like an asshole.

  “I know. I do. But we can’t help it if we run into each other from time to time. We can at least be . . . cordial, right? Exchange small talk. Very small talk. Tiny talk. Micro talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk about the weather with you, Aud.” That wasn’t necessarily true. I didn’t care what I talked with Audrey about, as long as we were talking.

  “I know. I’m sorry. I should have left when I saw you, but . . .”

  I took a step closer. “But, what?”

  “But . . . nothing. I’m sorry. I need to go.” She turned and rushed away.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Simon hissed. “Go after her!”

  “Why? She doesn’t want me to.”

  Simon shook his head as if I was being extremely stupid.

  “She wants you. GO AFTER HER.” He stepped behind me and shoved, so I had no choice but to move forward. I’d seen Audrey disappear down the hall, probably into the locker room. Once I was moving, it was much easier to keep moving in the direction Audrey had gone.

  I had one moment of hesitation outside the door to the women’s locker room. It was probably a really bad idea to barge in.

  I barged in anyway.

  “What the hell?” A woman washing her hands at the sink said. Huh. The women’s room was a lot nicer than the men’s room. What was up with that?

  I hurried as fast as I could to look for Audrey without making too many other women upset. I definitely caught a few sans clothes, but I tried to cover my eyes and only stare directly ahead.

  I found her leaning against a locker.

  “Aud.” Her ponytail whipped as she turned around at the sound of my voice.

  “Will! What are you doing in here?”

  “I came to find you.” She gaped at me and then grabbed my arm and yanked me toward the door again.

  “It’s a good thing I wasn’t just getting into the shower,” she said as soon as we were out in the hallway. “Or maybe you were hoping to catch me?” Her voice became a little flirty, which I wasn’t expecting. But then, this was Audrey. I never knew where her head was.

  “If I said no, would you believe me?” I said, smiling a little bit.

  “Maybe.”

  We breathed in unison for a moment. It was a rush seeing her again; I couldn’t lie about that.

  “I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time, which then made us both chuckle.

  “We seem to be saying that a lot to each other, don’t we?” I said.

  “I don’t know what you’re sorry for, except telling me you loved me right before I said ‘thank you’ and then told you I just wanted to be friends.” Just hearing her talk about it brought it all back.

  “Yeah, I kind of try to forget about that. It wasn’t my finest hour.”

  She looked down.

  “Oh, I don’t know about that. It was pretty romantic, doing it on New Year’s. Any other girl would have been ecstatic.”

  “But I didn’t say it to any other girl. I said it to you.” She looked up and for a moment I thought she was going to cry. Instead she bit her lip and looked away from me again.

  “Look, I don’t know how to do this, to see you and have everything be okay. Starting over didn’t work and just being friends didn’t work and staying apart didn’t work, at least for me,” she said.

  I couldn’t lie, I’d been dying to know how she’d been doing since I’d seen her last.

  “It hasn’t been great for me either.”

  She took a deep breath.

  “I missed you. And being with everyone else.”

  “I missed you.” She held my gaze for a few seconds.

  “So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, how about we just . . . be us? No definitions. Just doing what we were doing? What do you think?”

  I thought it was probably as good an offer as I was going to get. And if it meant I could see her, then I was all for it.

  “I’m in.” She finally smiled, and my chest expanded and I felt like something heavy I’d been holding onto for the last week had vanished.

  “Great. So, um, I’ll see you for dinner tonight?”

  “Yeah, I’m going over to Lottie and Zan’s so she can cut my hair. It’s gotten a little out of hand.” I pushed it out of my eyes.

  “Don’t cut it too much. I mean,” she said, blushing a little. “You can cut it if you want. It’s your hair.”

  “Are you saying that you like it long? Because I would also tell you that I love your hair long.” I couldn’t believe I’d used the L word, even if it was just about her hair.

  “I know,” she said.

  Someone cleared their throat behind me and I looked over my shoulder to find Simon holding up two sandwiches and wearing a sheepish look on his face.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” he said.

  “No, it’s okay. Would you like to join us?” I said to Audrey.

  “Sure. That would be great.” Simon put both his hands up to stop us from walking toward him.

  “Hold up. I need to know what the situation is between you two. Because it changes more than Prince changes what he wants to be called.”

  “We’re the people formerly known as Will and Audrey,” I said with a serious face. Audrey nodded.

  Simon glared, but turned around and walked toward an empty table in the little café.

  “Shall we?” I said gesturing toward the table.

  “We shall.”

  He looked so good when I saw him. There was something about a guy after he’d done something physical. One of those primal things. Of course, he looked glorious while sweaty whereas I just looked gross.

  Oh well. I was just glad to see him.

  After we decided that we were going to just be, we all sat down and had lunch. It was hard at first, but once we started catching up on what we had missed in our week of, whatever that was, it was like slipping into our former selves.

  Reading between the lines, Will had had just about as terrible wee
k as I had, and I caught him kicking Simon under the table when he tried to elaborate on Will’s mood.

  “So, I’m going to go and grab a shower, because I seriously need one,” Will said.

  “Agreed. I mean, I also need a shower,” I said. My eyes met Will’s and we both smiled in unison.

  “And I think that is my cue to excuse myself to see my boyfriend and let the two of you have a moment. William, Audrey.” Simon bowed and grabbed our trash before taking both rackets and strolling out the door.

  “That was subtle,” I said.

  “Yeah, he doesn’t really know how to do subtle,” Will said. I’d completely forgotten that I’d left my things in the locker room, so I went back to grab them and then Will and I walked out together. I wished I could have had the shower before spending time with him, but it couldn’t really be helped now. I just hoped the wind didn’t carry my smell in his direction.

  “So I know we’re going to just . . . do whatever now, but what exactly does that mean? Does that mean we can, uh, have physical contact?” I knew exactly what he was asking, but it was cute watching him squirm. I shifted my gym bag on my shoulder. I’d never really been a workout girl, but I’d started taking a few Pilates classes to try to take my mind off Will. Guess I didn’t really need to do that anymore.

  “How about we just see what feels natural? We’ll make things up as we go along.” Honestly, I had no idea what we should or shouldn’t be doing. Like I’d told him, I was making this up as I went along. I couldn’t get rid of Will and I couldn’t just be friends with Will and I couldn’t really be with him.

  This was about to get complicated.

  “So, how does this feel?” he said, taking my hand and entwining our fingers. I hoped my hand wasn’t sweaty.

  How did it feel? Right. Safe. Perfect.

  “I guess this is okay.” I was glad he couldn’t feel the heat radiating up my arm from where our skin made contact.

  “Okay is good.”

  “It is.” For now.

  “Is this okay?” Will said breathlessly a week later when his hand had started making its way up my shirt as we lay on my bed. I wasn’t really sure how it happened. One minute we were watching a movie and the next we were horizontal and I was trying to remember if I’d worn cute underwear or not.