Seduction and Snacks

  Obviously Gavin was very excited to clean if it meant we didn't tell Claire what he did. I briefly wondered if she was going to find out and possibly cut my penis off or smother me in my sleep. And then I wondered if I told her, would Gavin punch me in the nuts again, or maybe go for the throat this time? I don't know whether to fear my kid or his mother.

  Twenty minutes later, the carpet was good as new and Drew and I were sitting Indian-style in the middle of Gavin's room, praying to every higher power we knew that the girls wouldn't walk in the room right this minute.

  Gavin had decided we should play dress up. We tried getting him to play something manly like cops and robbers, running with scissors or lighting shit on fire - anything but this. Unfortunately, you couldn't win an argument with a four-year old no matter how much you tried. Drew and I were both currently dressed as babies, complete with pacifiers in our mouths and holding on to stuffed animals. He stuck us each in these giant sun hats of Claire’s that flopped down over our faces. Drew’s was pink and mine was white. I drew the line at putting on one of his old, unused diapers that he found in a drawer in his closet from before he was potty trained.

  "Hey, Uncle Drew, I have a secret to tell you," Gavin said.

  Drew pulled the pacifier out of his mouth.

  "Give it to me."

  Gavin leaned in by his ear and whispered just loud enough for me to be able to hear him.

  "You smell like beef and cheese."

  Gavin pulled back from Drew’s ear and Drew rolled his eyes at him.

  "Dude, your secret sucks," he said.

  "YOU SUCK!" Gavin yelled.

  "Guys, dinner is ready so you should…"

  Claire’s words were cut off when she rounded the corner of the room and caught us. The abrupt halt to her feet caused Jenny, who had been following close behind, to smack into the back of her. Claire put her hand over her mouth to hide her giggles. Jenny couldn't have cared less about shielding her enjoyment of the situation. She bent over at the waist laughing her ass off out loud and pointing.

  "Oh my God, someone tell me they have a camera," Jenny said in between laughs.

  "Do you want me to spit up? Because I'm not afraid to go there," Drew threatened.

  Both of us ripped off our baby crap while the girls laughed and gave Gavin high-fives. Drew and I stood up while Jenny lifted Gavin into her arms and told him how awesome he was and cooed all over him. He ate up every word and I swear that kid smirked at us as he put his head down on Jenny’s chest - which was currently on full display with her low-cut top and push-up bra.

  "Oh my God, I am so jealous of that kid right now. I wish I was cradled to her tits. Cradled like a baby," Drew whispered.

  "Do you hear yourself right now?" I asked as we all walked out of Gavin's room and into the dining room where we were greeted by Liz and Jim who were already seated.

  ***

  After an extremely delicious dinner where there was only minimal fighting between the two children, and by children I mean Drew and Gavin, Claire started bringing out tray after tray of all her sweet goodies.

  Now all I could think of were Claire’s sweet goodies on a tray; her delicious num-nums on a silver platter. I would love to eat her off of a tray. I want to lick her Globs.

  "Carter, do you want some?"

  "Fuck yes."

  "Awwwww, Carter said the t-u-l word mom!" Gavin tattled.

  Oops.

  “Who taught you how to spell?” Drew asked with a sneer.

  “Dude, I’m four,” Gavin replied.

  I excused myself to go to the bathroom before I did something even more embarrassing. I stood there peeing and trying not to think about Claire being naked on a tray when the bathroom door suddenly opened and Gavin walked in.

  "Oh, hey there, Gavin,” I said nervously as I tried to turn my body away from him without interrupting the flow. “Uh, I'm kind of going to the bathroom here buddy. Can you shut the door?"

  He did as I asked, however, he didn’t leave the room before he shut the door. Now he was locked in a small, enclosed space with me while I tried to take a piss. And now he was staring at my junk. Okay, this wasn't awkward at all.

  "Um, Gavin can you look somewhere else? Oh hey, look at that duck in the tub. That's pretty cool."

  Still staring. Was this something I should be concerned with?

  "Wow, Carter. You've got a HUGE wiener."

  Suddenly, Gavin being in the bathroom with me didn’t seem so bad. If only he could have been in the bathroom with me in eighth grade and passed that little tidbit around for Penny Frankles to hear, I might not have gone to the eight grade graduation dance solo.

  I finished pissing, zipped up my pants and flushed the toilet, all while trying not to pat myself on the back. Yeah, I had a huge wiener. You bet your sweet ass I did. I almost needed a wheelbarrow to carry it around. And because a toddler said it, it must have been true.

  We got back to the table and I couldn't keep the shit-eating grin off of my face.

  "What are you smiling about? Do you have gas?" Drew joked.

  "Hey, Mommy, Carter has a HUGE wiener," Gavin said around a mouthful of cookie, holding his hands up in the air about three feet apart, like you do when you're telling someone how big the fish is you just caught.

  Claire quickly reached over and pushed Gavin's arms down while everyone else at the table laughed. I just sat back and smiled and tried to keep my anaconda penis tucked under the table so it wouldn't scare anyone.

  "Hey, Uncle Drew, you wanna hear a dirty joke?" Gavin asked excitedly.

  "I don't know, will it get you punched?" Drew replied seriously. It was almost touching how concerned Drew was with getting Gavin in trouble.

  "The pig fell in the mud and walked across the street to the dirt and then climbed the roof!" Gavin shouted, falling immediately into a fit of giggles at his "dirty joke".

  Everyone chuckled at Gavin's attempt at humor - except Drew.

  "Dude, that wasn't funny at all," Drew said with a straight face.

  "You wanna piece of me?" Gavin shouted, holding his little fist up in the air at him.

  "Alright, that's enough. Gavin, go put your pajamas on, and I'll be in shortly to read you a story," Claire told him.

  Gavin scampered down off the chair, giving one last threatening look to Drew before running to his room. Five pairs of eyes all turned their attention to Drew.

  "What?" he asked. "It wasn't funny and I totally didn't get it."

  "Okay Claire," Liz said, turning her face away from Drew, probably so she wouldn't feel the need to choke him. "Time for the real show. Tell us what you've got here," she said, pointing to all the trays on the table.

  Claire went around the table pointing out what each item was. Snicker Surprise cookies, homemade turtles, Pretzel Turtles, White Chocolate Buckeyes, white and milk chocolate covered potato chips, pretzels, cashews, peanuts, raisins, rice krispies, bacon and a cookie called a Cranberry Hootycreek – which Drew kept calling a Hooterpeep.

  Everything was amazing and I think we were all in a sugar coma by the time we sampled everything. Jenny circled the table and snapped a few pictures of everything for the advertisements before we inhaled the stuff and Claire blushed a bright shade of red at all the compliments we threw at her.

  "I definitely got some good pictures, Claire. I think for the front cover of the brochure we should pacifically focus on the chocolate-covered stuff," she explained.

  "You mean specifically?" Jim asked.

  "That's what I said," she replied. "Pacifically."

  "Hey, Claire, can I come with you to put Gavin to bed?" I asked, hoping to divert the attention from Jenny’s weird use of the English language.

  Her face lit up with my question which instantly made me grateful I had the foresight to ask.

  We left everyone to clean up the dining room table and walked back to Gavin's room to find him asleep on top of his toy box. I laughed as soon as I saw him.

  "Don't laugh," she whispered w
ith a smile on her face. "That's not the funniest place I've seen him fall asleep. I've got an entire photo album dedicated to his sleeping habits. On the back of the couch like a cat, sitting up at the dinner table, face down at the dinner table, under the Christmas tree in a pile of toys, in his closet, on the toilet…you name it he's fallen asleep on it. He's like a horse. He can practically fall asleep standing up. Jim gave him the Indian name of Chief Sleepsanywhere and Liz recently changed it to Captain Narcolepsy."

  She moved quietly into the room and scooped his little body up easily, placing a kiss to his head as she walked over to his bed. I leaned against the door jam, trying not to get too sentimental and girly at just how sweet it was to see her taking care of him. She covered him up with a blanket, smoothed back the hair off of his head and kissed him again before turning around and walking to me.

  "So, Mr. Ellis, how freaked out are you right now by all of this domesticated parenting crap?" she asked.

  There was a smile on her face as she stood right in front of me but I could tell it was just there for show. She really was nervous about how I was handling all of this. I glanced over her shoulder at the little boy that was fast asleep in his bed and my heart started beating faster. I had an undeniable urge to grab onto him and never let him go, to protect him from anything bad that might come his way and to shelter him from scary things like the boogey man and clowns.

  Shut up, clowns are scary as fuck.

  I looked back down at the incredible woman standing in front of me and knew I felt the same way about her.

  "I don't want the boogey man to get you and I hate clowns," I blurted out.

  She laughed and patted my cheek in sympathy. I sucked at this. I didn't do well under pressure. I cared about her and Gavin and I just wanted her to know I wasn't going anywhere. How fucking hard was that to say?

  "That's not what I mean. I mean, yes, I hate clowns. They are dumb and creepy and grown men should never wear anything with polka dots or giant shoes."

  God dammit, stop the word vomit!

  Before I could open my mouth and stick a giant clown shoe in any further, Claire covered my mouth with her hand.

  "It's okay if you're freaked out. I wouldn't blame you, believe me. This is a lot to take in," she said softly. “All of a sudden you go from single and free to having a built-in family.”

  I took a deep breath and tried it again, reaching up and pulling her hand away from my mouth and resting it flat against my chest.

  "Let me just start off by saying I really, really suck ass at doing the whole "touchy-feely, talk about my feelings" shit. Although if you ask Drew, he would surely disagree since he spent five years listening to me whine like a baby about how much I wanted to find you. After all that time and spending years driving everyone around me crazy just trying to find your smell again, I am not about to fuck this up and run screaming into the night."

  Her thumb moved back and forth over my chest and she brought her other hand up to my cheek before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on my lips. When she pulled her face back, I wrapped my arms around her small waist and rested my forehead against hers.

  "I know after I found out I fled the scene like a hit-and-run driver, but I promise you Claire, I will never get spooked again."

  She pulled back and looked me in the eye, the corners of her mouth turning up in a smile.

  "Did you really just quote Cocktail to me right now?"

  "Yes, yes I did. If you'd like me to go all crazy Tom Cruise and jump up and down on a couch for you, I'll totally do it."

  "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I WOULD RATHER TAKE IT UP THE ASS!"

  Drew’s booming voice from the living room pulled our attentions away from each other. We took one last look at Gavin before closing his door, and then walked hand in hand down the hall to find everyone sitting around the living room playing a twisted game of "would you rather".

  Claire and I sat down next to each other on the couch. I put my arm around her shoulders and she snuggled into my side. Nothing had felt this perfect in a long time.

  "Alright, my turn," Drew said. "Jim, would you rather have your porn name be Hugh G. Rection or Mike Unstinks?"

  15. I’m a Dirty Slut

  "Chains and whips excite me...c-c-c-come on, come on...S-S-S-S-M-M-M..."

  "Gavin Allen Morgan, if you don't stop singing that song I am going to put you on the curb for the garbage men to pick up," I yelled for the tenth time today as I finished cleaning up the kitchen from lunch.

  "That's boring," Gavin muttered before stomping off to his room.

  "Speaking of garbage, when is that Christy guy going to be here?" my dad asked from his seat at the kitchen table.

  Why is everyone determined to get on my nerves today?

  "It's CARTER, Dad. Stop being an ass. He'll be here when he wakes up."

  My dad made a production of looking down at his wrist where there wasn’t even a watch.

  “It’s 12:48. What kind of a slacker is this guy?”

  I threw the dish towel on the counter and turned to give my dad a dirty look.

  “He works the nightshift, dad. We’ve been over this already. One more comment out of you and I’m changing your Facebook status to “I love penis.”

  I walked over to the fridge to add a few things to my shopping list that hung off of the freezer and tried not to glance at the clock. I was definitely anxious to see Carter.

  I was up to my eyeballs in stuff for the grand opening and Carter was working a lot of overtime so we hadn't seen each other since the night of dinner a week earlier. But we talked on the phone and he also called a few times just to talk to Gavin, which totally made my heart melt.

  Thoughts of our time in the storage room earned me extra credit in Liz Homework by making my way through my suitcase of "who needs a man" products for a second time. Liz got all choked up on the phone when I told her. It was a beautiful moment for the two of us.

  I was working at the bar tonight so Carter was going to give me a ride up there. I called Liz and told her she and Jim should come so Carter wouldn't be bored.

  "I think maybe I'll hide behind the couch and jump out when he gets here. Put the fear of George into him," my dad said with a nod of his head.

  "Not funny. And don't you mean "fear of God"?"

  He shrugged. "Same thing."

  God said "Let there be light" and George Morgan flipped the switch.

  This was the most my dad had spoken about Carter since they met. Granted, it wasn't very flattering but hey, it was progress. At least he was acknowledging his existence and not thinking up new ways to kill him. Dad had been going down the alphabet for a week now and finally stopped at the letter S.

  Death by shopping cart suffocation, in case you were wondering.

  The doorbell rang and I hurried to answer it. I wiped my hands on the front of my jeans, smoothed my hair and bent forward to reach my hand down the front of my shirt and tug each of the girls up so their prime real estate was on full display. I stood back up, took a deep breath and flung the door open. My heart actually skipped a beat when I saw Carter standing there.

  "You know there are windows on either side of your door right? And that your curtains are see-through?" Carter said with a smirk.

  Why? WHY, for the love of God!

  "I would give you my entire paycheck for a month if you bent over in front of me and fluffed your boobs again," he said as he stepped through the door, and I closed it behind him.

  I closed my eyes, fully prepared to be mortified and not make eye contact, but before I could wish for a giant hole in the floor to swallow me up, Carter’s lips were on mine. He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me up against him, cupping my cheek with his hand as he slid his tongue past my lips and slowly stroked it through my mouth. I could kiss this man for days and never get enough. His lips moved against mine, soft and sensually, while his hand slid from my cheek, down my neck, and stopped on the bare skin right above my heart. I wanted to reach up and push his
hand down into my bra. My fists clutched onto the front of his shirt and a whimper escaped from me as his hand inched just a tiny bit lower. If my mouth wasn't fused to his right now, I might wonder if I said that last part out loud. Or maybe he could read my mind.

  Touch my boobs. Do it. The power of my mind commands you.

  His hand stopped its downward descent and I wanted to scream. His tongue continued to slide against mine ever so slowly and I really wished I had one of those green flags from the NASCAR races. I would've waved that thing all around. Wave it in the air like I just don't care.

  Carter, start your engine! You have been given the green flag. All systems go. Hit the gas and let your hand grab the boob.

  "If you touch my daughter's boobs while I'm standing right here, I'm gonna have to put taffy in your trachea until you terminate."

  Carter and I broke apart so fast you would have thought we were teenagers that just got caught having sex instead of grown adults that had a child together.

  "Did your dad just tell me he was going to choke me to death with taffy?" Carter whispered.

  "Yeah. He's on the letter T. Behave or an umbrella up your Uranus will be in your future," I whispered back.

  My father walked over to us and looked Carter up and down.

  "You got any tattoos, son?"

  Carter looked at me in confusion and I just shrugged my shoulders. You never knew what was going to come out of my dad's mouth.

  "Uh, no. No, sir, I do not," Carter replied.

  "You own a bike?"

  "Well, I have a pretty nice mountain bike that's still in storage because I just haven't had time to take it out for a…"

  "Motorcycle, Cathy," my father interrupted with a sigh of annoyance. "Do you own a motorcycle?"

  Carter shook his head, “No, and my name is Cart-“

  "You ever been arrested or get in a bar fight?" my dad interrupted.

  "No, I've never been arrested or gotten into any kind of fight, Mr. Morgan," Carter said with a confident smile.

  My dad leaned over towards me.

  "Claire, are you sure this kid isn't gay?" he whispered to me.

  "Jesus, Dad! No, he's not gay," I yelled back.