All I Am: Drew's Story

  backward, our kiss deepening as she unfastens my trousers and I push her knickers down her thighs.

  We’re all over the place, desperation getting the better of us, a mess of tongues, hands and bodies. I pull some strength from nowhere, seize her hands and break our kiss, breathing heavily. Her unsure brown eyes soon prompt me to start ridding myself of the rest of my clothes, all under her watchful gaze. Until I’m naked.

  “This wasn’t supposed to happen,” she whispers.

  “Yes it was,” I counter, picking her up and taking her to my chair. “What else did you think would happen if you came here, Raya?” I sit down and encourage her onto my lap.

  “I don’t know. Maybe you’d wrap me in chains and be all cold with me.”

  I can’t help it. I smile. I might have wrapped her in chains, but there was nothing cold about it. “Don’t think I won’t do that to you again. Up.” She rises on her knees, looking down between us as I take my cock, which is currently hard as iron, and guide it to her hungry pussy. “But for now I’m just going to make love to you.” She sinks down, taking both of our breaths in the process. My moan is carnal, her sigh is peaceful.

  Eyes fixed on me, she wedges her palms into my pecs and rolls her hips, sucking in a sharp hit of air as she does. My head falls back, but I keep her in view, blown away by the yearning on her face, her breasts beginning to bob as she works up her pace. I take my hands over my head and grip the back of the chair, letting the pleasure claim me. Letting her claim me. Her tempo is working us up slowly but steadily. So damn perfect. My heart is matching her rhythm perfectly, too, consistent and strong. She lowers toward me, ready to kiss me, but stops when I shake my head. “Let me look at you.” The vision is too amazing to give up, even for her mouth.

  I reach the edge, my hips beginning to flex upward into her, and her breath stutters, her hands starting to claw at my flesh. “There,” I whisper, watching her head go heavy, rolling on her neck. “There it is.” A rush of blood whips through me, and I brace myself for the hit.

  Her ragged exhale signals her climax, and I let my own release rip through me savagely, staring at Raya as we fight through the pleasure.

  She gasps, falling into my chest, the natural meld of her naked body into mine just fucking perfect. I rest my mouth on her neck and circle my arms around her shoulders, exhaling deeply as she sighs and burrows deeper into me. It feels so damn good.

  “Getting attached to someone wasn’t in my plan, Drew,” she murmurs, quiet and tentative. “Especially an older man who likes wrapping women up in chains. You were supposed to be cold and emotionless.”

  “I tried,” I admit. But Raya has a power over me that’s dictated a war between my sensible head and my closed heart. “And so were you,” I point out. “Seems we both failed. Why d’you think that is?”

  “You always find something when you’re not looking for it.”

  She isn’t wrong. I nuzzle her from my neck, pulling her face to mine. I cock my head, seeing that amazing shimmer in her eyes. Except this time it’s not forced. She’s becoming attached to me? Jesus, can a man be thrilled and scared at the same time? “You’re moving to the other side of the world, Raya.”

  I see utter confusion past her watery eyes. A struggle that I can relate to. “I know. And I’m mad to question my decision.”

  “Why?” I ask, trying to buy some time while I urgently figure out some of the shit in my head.

  “Because if you don’t have anyone, you can’t lose anyone.”

  I sag where I sit, my head about to explode. She could be more scared than I am. And I don’t know what to do to reassure her, especially since I’m trying to reassure myself.

  My phone chimes on the desk behind us, a text flashing up. Raya turns and looks down at the screen, as do I. Georgia’s name glows up at us.

  Can’t wait to see you x

  Oh fuck. It’s like the worst timing ever. I look at Raya, frozen. She stares at my phone until the screen times out and goes black. She thinks my little girl is someone else, and the disappointment on her face hurts. Right now, I could be strapped to a rotating wheel, a knife thrower with a terrible aim firing blades at me. And every one of the fuckers hits me. Bam, bam, bam!

  Raya laughs a little under her breath, lightly shaking her head, as if coming to her senses. She takes a breath and starts to break away from me, our skin peeling apart. “Take care, Drew.”

  Take care. It’s so final. She’s admitting defeat.

  “No.” I seize her, pinning her to me, not prepared to let her go.

  Though she fights me with all she has. “Get off, Drew. I’ve been made a fool of before. I’m not interested in going there again. I can’t sustain any more hurt. It’ll break me.”

  That fucking kills. “Raya, it’s not like that.”

  She laughs. “Oh my God, I’m so stupid.” She gives up trying to escape and drops her head to my chest, hiding from me. “What was I thinking? You must think I’m so naive.”

  Rightly or wrongly, I take offense. I close my eyes to gather some patience. I’m desperate to tell her that Georgia isn’t who she thinks she is, yet I don’t even know where to start that conversation. I’m not even sure we should be having it at all, because then what will that mean for our future?

  “I don’t think you’re naive. It’s just a friend.” I breathe the words, desperate to reassure her, since I know trust is a major issue for her. It’s a little backward to say the least, since I’m lying, but the point is, Georgia really isn’t who she thinks she is.

  “A friend?” I see hope in her eyes again.

  “A friend,” I confirm. “Trust me, Raya, please.” And then I ask something I’ve never asked a woman before in my life. “Have dinner with me this weekend.” Between now and then, I need to find a way to tell her everything. That I’m a dad, about Coral, and the history.

  “Dinner?”

  “Yes, dinner,” I confirm. “It strikes me as unusual that we’ve fucked plenty of times, but we’ve never actually had dinner.”

  She pulls back, getting me in her sights. Her suppressed smile isn’t appreciated. She’s mocking me. “It strikes you as unusual?”

  I have never, not once, blushed in my life. But right now, I have forty years’ worth of them collecting on my cheeks. I sigh. “Will you have dinner with me or not?”

  “I’m leaving tomorrow morning.” She bites her lip, gauging my reaction. I’m pretty sure I don’t disappoint her.

  My gawk must be fierce. “Tomorrow morning?” Jesus, she doesn’t hang around.

  “The house is sold, and my solicitor will take care of the final details.” Her eyes drop down to my naked chest. “There’s nothing here for me anymore,” she says quietly.

  “What if there was?” The words are out before I can’t think better of it, and her gaze darts back up to mine.

  “Are you telling me not to go?”

  I sag beneath her, so fucking exhausted by all this. “I don’t know, Raya. I honestly don’t know.”

  “I could delay my trip,” she says tentatively, on a little shrug. “You know, so we can have dinner.”

  Life pumps in my veins again. That would be perfect. No pressure. I’ll tell her about Georgia, and we’ll go from there. “You’d do that?”

  “Sure. Changing a flight isn’t too hard.” She smiles shyly, and something passes between us. Maybe understanding. But it’s tarnished somewhat on my part, because while I have all the facts, Raya does not. But she will soon. I yank her back down to me and lose myself once more.

  Hopefully not for the last time.

  Chapter 10

  Have you slept?” Coral asks, taking in my untrimmed stubble, my crumpled clothes, and my bloodshot eyes. I know I look a state, and for once in my life I don’t give a shit. No, I haven’t slept. After I took Raya home, I spent all night wondering how the fuck I’m going to tell her about my little girl. I have too much going on in my head to care much for my appearance. So my answer to Coral’s questio
n is a scowl. She has a towel wrapped around her wet hair, a small robe on that’s not quite fastened enough; the plunge between her breasts appears strategic. It does nothing for me.

  I take Georgia’s hand and walk us down to the car. “Daddy, are you sick?” Her concerned face looks up at me, her pigtails wonky.

  “I have a headache,” I admit. “But do you know what will make it better?” I stop us at the car and straighten her hair ties.

  “What?”

  I crouch before her. “Ice cream in the park.”

  “Yay!” She squeals and launches herself at me, so I’m forced to place a hand on the concrete behind me to support us. “Can we go on the swings?”

  “Sure we can.” I lift her and walk around to the other side, getting her in the car. “You can push me.” Her nose wrinkles, and she giggles when I tickle her belly.

  * * *

  My idea of an outing in the park wasn’t entirely for Georgia’s benefit. I desperately need the fresh air to clear my pounding head.

  “You okay, Dad?”

  “Huh?” I look down at my girl as we wander toward the lake, her hand covered by mine.

  Her face furrows. “You keep jumping.”

  “Do I?”

  “Yes, like this.” Her shoulders spring up, her lips puckered.

  I laugh, flexing my grip on her hand. “Sorry, pidge. I’m a bit distracted.” I look at her out of the corner of my eye, wondering if I’m brave enough to plunge into a conversation with my seven-year-old about a relationship. It’s only ever been me and her. What will she make of another woman in my life?

  “What’s on your mind, Daddy?” Our hands swing between us, and she looks up at me with concern.

  I can’t do it. What would I say anyway? Besides, I should wait for Raya’s reaction to my news before I even think to concern Georgia with a woman who may or may not be in our life. What if I tell her and Raya bolts?

  “I was wondering if I’m going to have one scoop of ice cream or two.”

  “Three!” she sings, stopping and jumping on the spot excitedly.

  I laugh and point toward the lake. “Shall we skip?”

  She snorts. “Boys can’t skip.”

  “Wanna bet?” I release her and break into what I’m pretty sure is a skip.

  Clearly my daughter thinks otherwise, her small body folding with laughter, her palms meeting her knees to hold her up. “That’s not skipping, silly.” Like a pro, she passes me with grace and elegance, dancing off toward the lake. “This is skipping!”

  “Easy peasy!” I shout, following on behind, smiling like mad at her pigtails swinging like propellers as she goes. “See, I can do it.”

  Georgia looks back, a little breathless. “Oh, Daddy.” She shakes her head, dismayed, as I barrel toward her, legs kicking out all over the place. “You’re funny.”

  I’m blowing out my fucking arse by the time I make it to her, now my hands braced on my knees as I puff before her. “Ice cream?”

  “Yes!”

  I turn and crouch so she can take up position on my back. Her arms around my shoulders, her face close to mine. I sigh and get us on our way.

  “Do you think they have salted caramel?” she asks.

  “I hope so. It’s my favorite, too.” I take us through the maze of rosebushes, leaning down when Georgia demands so she can pick one. “Just one. And watch the thorns.” She plucks it delicately from the bush and tucks it behind my ear.

  Breaking out through a small opening onto the path that leads to the riverside ice cream parlour, I drop her to her feet and transfer the rose from my ear to hers. “Why don’t you get that seat?” I point to the bench facing out onto the river, where swans are swimming in circles waiting for any scraps left by passersby. She’s off quickly, still skipping, still putting me to shame. “Don’t go too near the swans!” I call after her.

  “I won’t!”

  I make my way inside, relieved to see salted caramel is on the menu. I order two sundaes, one eye trained on the window where I can see Georgia on the bench, her legs swinging happily. “Can I get some napkins?” I ask, preparing for the mess that’s about to ensue.

  When I make it to the door, I start to negotiate the ice creams into one hand to let myself out.

  “Let me get that for you.”

  “Thanks.” The door is pulled open, and I’m about to make my way through when the voice registers, dropping anchors into my feet as it does. I glance up and find Raya holding the door open.

  “Hi,” she says, her face pink and damp from exertion. She’s clad in Lycra, but not very much of it.

  “Hi,” I mumble back. Oh fuck. What do I do? “Been for a run?” What a stupid question.

  “No, horse riding.” She rolls her eyes and moves in, reaching up and kissing my cheek, her warm palms resting on my chest.

  If my hands weren’t full and my mind in fucking chaos, I’d embrace her, kiss the living daylights out of her, but instead I’m a statue, tense and worried. So fucking worried.

  “You okay?” she asks.

  I watch her register the two dishes of ice cream in my hands. One for me, and one for…who? That’s what she’s thinking. I quickly glance across to the bench where Georgia is, seeing she’s at a safe distance. “Yeah, you?” I straighten my shoulders and regret it. My need to stand tall and try to act normal has just earned me a killer of a stab in my shoulder.

  “Still struggling?” Raya asks, resting her hand on my shoulder and rubbing into it.

  I go lax under her hold, groaning in pleasure. “Probably not a good idea to do that here.”

  She laughs, soft and light. “Maybe after our dinner.”

  If she hasn’t done a runner after I deliver my news. On that note, I pull back. I need to go before Raya has a chance to ask why I have two ice creams in my hand.

  “Why two ice creams?”

  Fuck. “Hungry.” I shrug, edging toward the door.

  She frowns, eyeing my twitchy form. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “Yeah.” I quickly move forward and land a kiss on her cheek, another attempt to appear normal. I’m a joke. “Call you later.”

  “Daddy?”

  Oh no. I pull back from Raya’s cheek and watch in horror as her gaze falls to my side, where Georgia is looking up at her with way too much interest on her cute little face.

  “I’m Georgia,” she declares, loud and proud. “What’s your name?”

  I close my eyes and breathe deeply, wishing the numbing effects the ice cream is having on my fingers would spread to everywhere else. I chance a peek at Raya, catching her eyes slowly turning from my girl to me. Her head cocks. “Georgia?” It’s a question, one she already knows the answer to, yet she wants me to confirm it. “Just a friend.” Raya does a terrible job of impersonating me.

  My lips press together, feeling so small. I shrug. I have nothing else, not even the will to be offended when Raya scowls at me as she hunkers down to my daughter’s level. “Hey, Georgia!” She sounds so chirpy, and I can’t work out if it’s faked to mask her shock, or if she’s truly pleased to meet her. “I’m Raya.”

  Georgia’s little face is like a kick in the teeth. She looks so pleased. “Do you know my dad?”

  “Not really,” Raya says, flicking accusing eyes up at me. She’s having a dig, saying without actually saying that she thought she knew me.

  “Dad’s favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast. I’m Belle,” Georgia announces proudly. “And Dad is my beast.”

  “A beast, eh?” Raya smiles. I think it’s a fond smile. “He is a bit of a beast, isn’t he?”

  Another dig. If the ground was to open and swallow me up, then that would be fine by me. Fucking hell, I need to pull this back quickly. “Georgia, why don’t you go wait for me on the bench.” I hand her one of the ice creams and toss mine in the bin, all hunger gone. I could do with a drink.

  “We’re going to eat ice cream.” Georgia points to the bench where I wish she’d stayed put. “Want to come?”


  My eyes go all round. “I’m sure Raya has a busy day.”

  “Yes, I do.” Her stare lands on me with a bang, and I flinch. Good Lord, the resolve on her face is enough to push me back into the wall behind me. “I’m going to the airport tomorrow.”

  “Cool!” Georgia sings, while my eyes bug. Tomorrow? “Where are you going?”

  “Far, far away.” Raya gives my daughter her attention again and crouches to get her at eye level. “It was lovely to meet you, Georgia.”