Nightshade

  Her eyebrows pinched and hurt flashed through those midnight eyes, but for a couple seconds, she didn’t move. And when she did, she did it slowly.

  “He wants to help me not be crazy. He wants me to not be this because I embarrass him. Disappoint him.” She lifted her shoulder subtly. “But he left me to survive for years without him. And I survived the only way I knew how out there. Just like you’ve survived by being what everyone needed you to be.”

  My breaths were rough and exaggerated by the time she came to a stop in front of me, her neck fully exposed to me.

  To the blade in my hand.

  And yet, the only need I had was for her.

  “Your destructive mind didn’t change anything. My family shouldn’t.”

  I grabbed her and twisted, forcing her against the dresser.

  Her shocked gasp died into a pleading moan when she tilted her head to rest against me. Her hands slid along the top of the dresser so she could push back against me.

  My lips glided along her neck, my teeth grazing her pulse point. My dick strained against my pants when she shivered and breathed, “Oh God.”

  I ran my hands up her waist and over her breasts. The blade in my hand slid through the middle of the shirt she was wearing on the way back down, but stayed just off her skin even as her breathing became rougher.

  As soon as the shirt and my blade were on the floor, leaving her bare and ready, she turned to reach for me, but I stilled her with my hands on her hips. “Don’t move.”

  She placed her hands on the dresser but looked at me from over her shoulder. The question in her eyes clear: Would I continue or put an end to this?

  “Chaos.” My eyes fell to her full lips, and I hesitantly lifted my hand to brush the tips of my fingers across the bottom one. “Everything you make me feel. Everything you are. Chaos.”

  A shuddering breath left her and her tongue darted out to wet her lips. “Kieran . . .”

  “I hate that I want you.”

  Her mouth twitched beneath my fingers. “The feeling’s mutual.”

  Leaning forward, I whispered, “Bend over, Jessica.”

  I grabbed a condom out of my wallet and stripped the rest of my clothes, my eyes raking over her body as I did. And with every passing second I reveled in the flush taking over her cheeks.

  I rolled on the condom then ran my hands down her spine and over her ass, biting back a smirk when she whimpered as my fingers spread her lips and teased her clit.

  “I’m not gentle.”

  A shiver rolled through her. “Okay.”

  “Tell me if it’s too much.”

  “Okay,” she breathed, her head nodding against the wood of the dresser.

  Her eyes never once left mine as I slid inside her, inch by inch, a groan building in my chest when I was fully seated.

  “Please,” she moaned. “Please move.”

  I did.

  I moved with slow rolls of my hips at first, then faster and harder. Gripping her hips, I forced her against me, making her cry out and claw at the dresser. Her head dropped between her shoulders when I released my hold on her and ran my fingers along her sensitive clit. Her whimpers and pleas blurred together, ending with a cry of protest when I moved my fingers away. But I just trailed them back to her ass and over her tight hole.

  “Fuck, Jessica,” I growled when she gripped my cock in response.

  I did it again and then again. Each time she had to stifle a scream. Each time her reaction had me nearly coming undone.

  I grabbed a fistful of her hair and made her arch back as I drove into her at a relentless pace. When I pressed my thumb inside her, her body trembled around me.

  Each thrust was harder than the one before. Each thrust was rougher as I fucked her until she fell over the edge, taking me with her.

  I gently released her hair and laid her on the dresser, and watched as her body trembled on the wood. I pumped inside her in time with my thumb. Again. And then again before finally pulling out when she let out a long, exhausted whimper.

  I grabbed her ass teasingly before letting her go and walking to my bathroom to get rid of the condom and clean up.

  When I came out, she was exactly where I’d left her. Only now she was standing and had a new shirt in her grasp, but she wasn’t moving.

  “Jessica,” I said warily as I moved toward her. Ice shot through my veins when I rounded on her and saw her stricken face. “Are you okay?”

  She blinked quickly, like my question had brought her out of a daze. “What?”

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “Hurt me?” A crazed laugh slipped past her lips and her vacant stare trailed to me.

  “Don’t do that,” I said before she could continue. “Don’t turn back into that girl. Not now.”

  Her eyes widened then drifted to somewhere that was very clearly not this room.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” The word was so soft it was almost as if she didn’t say it at all.

  “Then what the hell is going on?”

  I never thought I would touch a girl who wasn’t Lily O’Sullivan, and I’d just fucked the one standing in front of me.

  It had ended too soon because she’d been driving me crazy for days even though I’d tried to push every thought of her from my mind. But the second it ended, I wanted her again.

  And now she was shutting down when I usually couldn’t get her to shut up.

  “Jessica,” I snapped when her only response was to slowly, mechanically, put my shirt over her body.

  When there was nothing, I grabbed her arm and pulled her toward the bed.

  She didn’t blink or open her mouth as I pushed her down and climbed on top of her. Face to face.

  I gripped the comforter in my fists when I felt my heart rate slow.

  Come on, you fuck, I mentally snapped.

  I locked my jaw when the monster stretched and prodded and grinned like the evil bastard he was.

  Not a sound. Not a trace.

  I forced myself to not think about where any knives were in my room as that darkness begged for something wet and thick and red.

  Feed the blade. Watch the light—

  When I felt the trembling begin deep within my soul, I pushed with everything in me against the need and the dark and forced myself off the bed.

  Jessica flew up to a sitting position, her chest heaving as hard as mine as I struggled to take in air. “What the hell?”

  I dragged in another breath and nodded. “Knew that would make you talk.”

  Her eyes raked over me, disgust and hatred written over every part of her face. “What were you going to do to me?”

  I looked down at my naked body and locked my jaw. When I was sure I wouldn’t lash out at her, I said, “If you think I would ever force myself on you—or anyone—then you should go.”

  I walked over and pulled out a pair of shorts from one of my drawers, dressing in rough jerks as I told myself to calm down.

  Calm. Furious.

  Fuck.

  When she didn’t move from her spot on the bed, I told her, “You were standing between the dresser and the bed. I would’ve had easier access to the blades in the dresser. You know how fast I can grab them without realizing. Didn’t want to take that chance.”

  “Oh.”

  “I couldn’t think of what else to do to get you to talk. That side of me seems to bring something out in you.”

  Though I didn’t know why.

  Wasn’t even sure I wanted to.

  Her brow furrowed. “I was talking to you.”

  I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t find it in me to force it out after what I’d just purposefully put both of us through. I always crashed if I was able to force the darkness away immediately after calling it forward. Doing it after being buried inside Jessica? I didn’t know how I was even standing.

  “You went somewhere else . . . I didn’t know if I’d hurt you. You can’t do that after I fuck you, Jessica.”

  “
I don’t do this,” she yelled. “I don’t do this. Is that what you want to hear?”

  “Fuck? Because I’m pretty sure it’s in your job description.”

  She jerked back like I’d hit her and tears filled her eyes.

  I hated myself for speaking. I hated the way I said and did all the wrong things when I was struggling for an ounce of energy.

  I’d done it to Lily a lot too . . .

  “Jessica . . .”

  “I don’t let men fuck me,” she said through clenched teeth. “What you just did? I’ve never done. I’ve never given control to a man—to anyone.”

  I stared at her, trying to figure out what exactly she did. What I’d done wrong. And why she let me.

  “I have to be in control at all times. There’s a man who—” She swallowed quickly, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. “There was a man who tried to rape me from behind. Ask Beck. He nearly killed him when he found us.” She crawled off the bed as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. “I might sell myself, but I have rules. Not just any man who drives up asking for the time of day can have me. I only have certain clients and only some of them are allowed to touch me. And I am always in control,” she bit out.

  I watched her, dread coursing through me as I tried to remember if I’d forced her to let me fuck her that way. If she’d told me to stop.

  Now I didn’t know if she’d clawed at the dresser because she was trying to hold on, or because she was terrified.

  I didn’t know if she’d screamed out of pleasure and pain or fear.

  “Jessica, why’d you let me?” I asked, the question sounding like a horrified confession.

  “Because for a few minutes, I wanted to be lost in you.” Her eyes flicked to the dresser, a sad smiling pulling at her mouth. “Because I liked the way you held me at the bar. Because I’ve never wanted to give up control as much as I do with you.”

  “But—”

  “But demons don’t stay in hell,” she whispered.

  I knew that better than anyone.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice thick.

  She nodded slowly before looking at me. “This would all be so much easier if I didn’t want you the way I do. I need you to be like every other man I’ve ever met. I need to hate you. I need you to make me sick at the thought of you touching me.”

  I did hate her.

  I hated her for sleeping with men for money.

  For making me want to erase the thought and encounters of every man she’d ever met.

  For making me want her.

  For blurring the lines of hate and lust and need.

  Her slender throat moved with her forced swallow. “Why have you changed everything?”

  Why have you?

  I crossed my arms over my chest to keep from reaching for her.

  After what just happened, I didn’t think grabbing her and showing her exactly how much I wanted her was what she needed.

  Then again, it wasn’t what I needed either.

  I’d had a knife out. I’d been seconds from killing her and had ended up bending her over my dresser to bury myself deep inside her instead.

  I couldn’t get a read on this girl, and it was confusing me in a way nothing ever had.

  One minute I was sure every one of my suspicions of her was correct. The next I couldn’t stand to go another second without claiming her in some way.

  Chaos.

  Complete and utter chaos.

  “I’m sorry for your demons,” I said in a rough voice as I went to stand beside her. “I would fight them all if you asked me to, but I know you won’t. I know you don’t need me to.”

  She lifted her chin, and my lips twitched into a smile.

  I gently grabbed her head and pressed my mouth to it. “Leave if you want. Leave if you need to. You know where I’ll be.”

  I didn’t look back at her as I walked over to turn the light off and let my drained body fall to the bed.

  I didn’t hear the window, but I had a feeling I wouldn’t.

  A few minutes later, the bed shifted so faintly it was almost unnoticeable. The only real sign she was there was the movement of my sheets as she slid under them on the far side of the bed.

  “Nightshade,” she murmured simply.

  I bit back a smirk. “Good night, Chaos.”

  “Are you ready?”

  I glanced in the mirror and saw Kieran leaning against the doorframe to the bathroom, watching me as I fixed my makeup, trying to make it so I didn’t look as crazy as everyone thought I was. His eyes raked over my body where I was bent over the vanity, his eyes heating. And my lips curled into a smile in response.

  There wasn’t a sinking feeling inside.

  I didn’t feel the need to scream or claw at myself.

  I didn’t want to get clean.

  I wanted him to do it again.

  We’d spent the day together, doing nothing and everything that felt significant.

  And terrifying.

  He’d spent hours teaching me how to do different moves and throws with knives. We’d spent even longer relaxing on his bed . . . just talking and kissing.

  Everything I’d never wanted. Everything I wasn’t sure I wanted still.

  And everything I craved more of as soon as each kiss ended.

  Significant and terrifying . . .

  “Almost,” I mumbled.

  “Why do you wear that shit?”

  I lifted a brow, a low throaty laugh tumbling from my mouth. “Why do you go to The Jack every night?” When there wasn’t a response, I said, “Because you can. Because it makes you feel invincible.”

  I straightened and twisted the top of my mascara onto the tube before letting it fall into my bag. I fluffed my hair then played with the shirt of his I’d taken since I didn’t want to wear mine out a second night in a row. I tied it in a knot on my hip to tighten and shorten it, and put my jeans and heels on.

  “You don’t need that to be invincible,” Kieran said when I was looking at myself in the mirror.

  My eyes darted to his in the reflection, my heart picking up.

  Maybe not. But I need it to remain invisible to those who think they can see me.

  “You don’t need your list,” I said, my voice sounding too breathy. When another minute went by without a response, I turned to face him. “I’m ready.”

  He pushed from the doorframe and took two long steps toward me, his hands moving to curl around my face. The touch so gentle yet firm as he dipped his head to press his mouth to mine.

  The kiss was slow and made my heart ache. Made me want for so much more than either of us had to offer.

  And then he started shaking.

  Three.

  Tw—

  He pushed away from me, his chest pitching as he took a few steps back that seemed too calculated for how calm he looked.

  I waited where he’d left me until his chest was moving evenly, then hurried to his side. “My timing’s off,” I muttered when he wrapped his arm around my neck.

  He glanced at me, his brows pinched together in unspoken question.

  “Just figuring you out.”

  He didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask. Only met my stare every few seconds as we left his room and walked out of the mansion.

  Like we could do exactly that without being seen.

  And somehow, we weren’t.

  Like we could just be two normal people leaving a normal house.

  For a moment, with his arm around me . . . it was easy to forget life and pretend that we were.

  But moments fade.

  We couldn’t escape the truth that normal didn’t fit into either of our worlds. And it was impossible to forget the whys of our situation.

  Why I was with him.

  Why we were currently headed toward the bar.

  Why hatred was the base of every emotion I had for him, and he had for me.

  And why did it feel so damn easy and good to be tucked into his side when every man before him had mad
e me nauseous and want to recoil? Why did it have to be him?

  “Think we’ll see your brother tonight?” Kieran asked when we were almost to The Jack.

  A pang hit my chest, but I quickly pushed the hurt away.

  Be nothing.

  “No.” I blew out a drawn-out breath. “If I had to put money on it, I’d say you wouldn’t see him for a while. He tends to avoid places if he thinks I’ll be there.”

  Kieran made a sound somewhere between annoyance and amusement. “He seems nice.”

  He used to be the best. “Yeah.” I managed a weak smile, then hurried to ask, “Do you think we’ll see Dare?”

  “I don’t know. He doesn’t have a pattern.”

  “So, we’re just going to watch and wait.”

  Kieran gave a slow nod.

  “Because you still want to get your revenge even though you realized what Lily really was to you. And what she wasn’t.”

  His arm tightened around my neck, like his entire body still reacted to hearing her name.

  “Jessica,” he said in warning.

  “Yeah. No, got it. Don’t say her name. Don’t talk about what you’re doing.” I dropped my voice to whisper, “Don’t remind you that you’re making a mistake.”

  “I heard that.”

  “I know.”

  For the next couple minutes, we walked in silence.

  When we reached the far corner of the building, Kieran pulled me to a stop and brushed his mouth along my ear. “You don’t have to come in. But I have to do this.”

  Rejection sliced through my chest.

  Funny. Its sting had never been so painful before.

  A puff of a laugh fell from my lips. “Yeah, you don’t need me getting in the way of your plotting. I should get back to my street anyway.” I took a step away and was slammed back into his hardened body.

  “That’s the last place I want you to go.” His voice was all rough and grit as his hand tightened on me possessively.

  And damn him . . . I’d never craved a touch so much.

  My legs threatened to give when his mouth passed across my neck and trailed below my ear.

  “Go anywhere but there.”

  I froze in his arms when his words triggered another’s. “Don’t let me catch you on the streets again.”