Ten Big Ones

  'You're gonna be in the Bat Truck, right?'

  It's all I've got.'

  'I bet you get a tingle when you sit in it,' Lula said. 'I can't wait.

  I want to try behind the wheel. I bet you feel like a real badass behind the wheel.'

  Mostly I felt like I was wearing someone else's underpants.

  Considering it was Ranger's underpants (figuratively speaking), the feeling wasn't entirely unpleasant.

  'What are you doing for the rest of the day?' Lula wanted to know.

  I took Connie's paper and turned to real estate. 'I'm looking for an apartment for Valerie. She's not showing a lot of motivation to vacate mine, so I thought I'd help her out.'

  'I thought you were all settled in with Morelli,' Lula said. 'Uh oh, is there trouble in paradise?'

  I started circling rentals. 'No trouble. I just want my own space back.'

  I was concentrating on the paper, not looking up, not wanting to see Lula's and Connie's reactions.

  I finished circling, folded the paper, and put it in my shoulder bag. `I'm taking the back end of your paper,' I said to Connie. 'And there's no trouble.'

  'Hunh,' Lula said. She leaned forward and sniffed. 'Damned if you don't smell good. You smell just like Ranger.'

  'Must be the truck,' I said.

  I'd barely gotten out the door when my cell phone rang.

  'It's your mother,' my mother said. As if I wouldn't know her voice. 'Everybody's here, and we were wondering if you could stop by for just a second to take a look at some dress colors. We picked out a gown, but we need to make sure it's okay with you.'

  'Everybody?'

  'Valerie and the wedding planner.'

  'The wedding planner? You mean Sally?'

  'I never realized he knew so much about fabric and accessorizing,' my mother said.

  Grandma Mazur was at the door, waiting for me, when I parked behind the big yellow school bus, in front of my parents' house.

  'Now that's a truck,' she said, eyeballing Ranger's Ford. 'I wouldn't mind having a truck like that. I bet it's got leather seats and everything.' She leaned forward and sniffed. 'And don't you smell good. What is that, a new perfume?'

  It's soap. And it won't go away.'

  'It smells sort of... sexy.'

  Tell me about it. I was in love with myself.

  'They're all in the kitchen,' Grandma said. 'If you want to sit you have to bring a chair from the dining room.'

  'Not necessary,' I told her. I can't stay long.'

  My mother, Valerie, and Sally were having coffee at the kitchen table. There were some fabric samples, next to the coffee cake, and Valerie had a couple pages torn from a magazine in front of her.

  'Sit,' my mother said. 'Bring a chair.'

  'Can't. Got things to do.'

  Sally handed one of the pages to me. This is a picture of the bridesmaids' dresses. Your dress will be the same, but a different color. I'm still thinking pumpkin.'

  'Sure,' I said. 'Pumpkin would be terrific.' Anything would be okay at this point. I didn't want to be a party pooper, but I had other things on my mind.

  'What things do you have to do?' Grandma wanted to know.

  'Bounty hunter things.'

  My mother made the sign of the cross.

  'You should see Stephanie's new truck,' Grandma Mazur said. 'It looks like a truck the devil himself would drive.'

  This got everyone's attention.

  'It's a loaner from Ranger,' I said. 'I had some problems with the

  Buick, and I haven't got the insurance money from the Escape yet.'

  Another sign of the cross from my mother.

  'What's sticking out of your bag?' Grandma asked me. 'Looks like the want ads in the paper. Are you looking for a car? I could go with if you're looking for a car. I like cars.'

  `I'm not looking for a car today. Val's been too busy with the new baby to look for an apartment, so I thought I'd help her out. I saw a couple places in the paper that looked interesting.'

  Valerie reached out and took the paper from my bag. 'No kidding? Wow, that's really nice of you. Is there anything good in here?'

  My mother scooted around so she could look at the paper with

  Valerie.

  'Here's one that's a house for rent. And it says it has a Burg location. That would be perfect,' my mother said. The girls could stay in the same school.' She looked over at me. 'Did you call the number? Do you know where this is?'

  'I called on the way here. It's a duplex on Moffit Street. The house next to Gino's Tomato Pie. The owner lives in the other half.

  I told her I'd stop around this morning.'

  1 know that house,' Grandma said. 'It's pretty nice. Lois

  Krishewitz used to own that house. She sold it two years ago when she broke her hip and had to move into assisted living.'

  Valerie was on her feet. 'Just give me a minute to get a few things together for the baby, and then we can go look at it. We wanted to buy, but we can't seem to scrape together a down payment. This would give us more space in the meantime.'

  'I'll get my purse,' my mother said.

  `I'll come, too,' Sally said,

  The, too,' Grandma said.

  *We can take my bus,' Sally said. 'We'll have more room.'

  This is gonna be cool,' Grandma said, starting for the door.

  'We're gonna be just like the Partridge family. Remember when they all traveled around in that bus?'

  Don't panic, I told myself. We're just going a short distance. If you sit low in your seat no one will see you.

  Valerie had the baby in a carrier on her back and the big patchwork quilt diaper bag over her shoulder. 'Where's my purse?' she asked. `I need my purse.'

  Grandma handed Val her purse. And Val draped her big shoulder bag over her free shoulder.

  'Jeez, Val,' I said, 'let me give you a hand with some of that.'

  Thanks,' she said, 'but I'm balanced this way. I do this all the time.'

  I don't mean to sound cynical, but if Val ever needed fast cash we could probably get her a job as a pack animal. She could work alongside the mules that take people into the Grand Canyon.

  'I've got my checkbook,' my mother said, closing the door behind us. 'Just in case we like the house.'

  Valerie lumbered down the porch steps, followed by Grandma.

  'I want the front seat,' Grandma said, hurrying along. 'I don't want to miss anything.'

  It was a crisp blue-sky morning, and Sally's big hoop earring gleamed gold in the sunlight as he took the wheel. He was wearing a Buzz Lightyear T-shirt, his usual ratty sneakers, and ripped jeans.

  He had a shark tooth necklace around his neck, and the volume of his hair seemed to have increased since I saw him last. He settled little heart-shaped Lolita-type sunglasses on his big hook nose, and he started the bus.

  'You gotta turn at the corner,' Grandma told him. Then you go two blocks and make a right.'

  Sally took the first corner wide, and Grandma slid off her seat, onto the floor.

  'Fuck,' Sally said, looking down at Grandma. Snap.

  'Don't worry about me,' Grandma said, righting herself. 'I just didn't remember to hold on. I don't know how all those little kids do it. These seats are slippery.'

  The kids are all over the fucking bus all the time,' Sally said. 'Oh shit.' Snap, snap.

  'Sounds like you're having a relapse,' Grandma said to Sally. 'You were doing real good for a while there.'

  'I have to concentrate,' Sally told her. 'Its hard to stop doing something that took me years to perfect.'

  'I can see that,' Grandma said. 'And it's a shame you have to give up something you're so good at.'

  'Yeah, but it's for a good cause,' Sally said. It's for the little dudes.'

  Sally eased the bus up to the curb in front of the rental house and opened the door with a whoosh of the hydraulic. 'Here we are.' he said. 'Everybody out.'

  I tagged along after my mother, Grandma Mazur, Valerie and the baby, and Sally as
they all hustled up to the front porch.

  My mother knocked on the landlords door, and everyone quieted down for a moment. My mother knocked a second time.

  Still, no one opened the door.

  'That's odd,' Grandma said. 'I thought she was supposed to be home.'

  Sally put his ear to the door. 'I think I hear someone breathing in there.'

  Probably she was on the floor, having a coronary. A herd of lunatics just got out of a big yellow school bus and descended on her porch.

  'You better open up if you're in there,' Grandma yelled. 'We got a bounty hunter out here.'

  The door cracked open, the security chain in place. 'Edna? Is that you?' the woman asked.

  Grandma Mazur squinted at the eyes behind the door. 'Yep, it's me,' she said. 'Who are you?'

  'Esther Hamish. I always sit by you at bingo.'

  'Esther Hamish!' Grandma said. `I didn't know you were the one who bought this house.'

  'Yep,' Esther said. 'I had some money socked away from Harry's insurance policy, God bless him, may he rest in peace.'

  Everyone made the sign of the cross. Rest in peace, we all said.

  'Well, we come to see about the rental,' Grandma told Esther.

  This here's my granddaughter. She's looking for a place.'

  'How nice,' Esther said. 'Let me get the key. You had me going for a minute there. I've never had a school bus park in front of my house before.'

  `Yeah,' Grandma said. 'It's new to us, too, but we're getting used to it. I like that it's a nice cheery yellow. Its a real happy color.

  Problem is, it blocks the view of the street. Of course I guess it could be worse. We could have our view blocked by one of those vans that carries aliens around. I was listening to news on the radio, and they said a bunch of aliens were found dead from heatstroke in one of them vans yesterday. Imagine that. Here these poor creatures travel through space to get to us, all those light years and galaxies away, and then they die from heat stroke in a van.'

  'What a shame,' Esther said.

  I'm just glad it wasn't in front of my house,' Grandma said. I'd feel terrible if I had to find ET dead in a van.'

  Stephanie Plum 10 - Ten Big Ones

  Seven

  Esther Hamish's rental was a lot like my parents' house. Living room, dining room, kitchen on the ground floor. Three small bedrooms and bath on the second floor. Narrow backyard.

  Minuscule front yard. A stand-alone, two-car garage to the rear of the property.

  The interior was clean but tired. The bathroom and kitchen were serviceable but dated. Again, a lot like my parents' house.

  And clearly the house was occupied.

  'When will it be available?' Valerie asked.

  'Two weeks,' Esther said. `I have a young family in here now, and they just bought a house. They'll be moving in two weeks.'

  'Wait a minute,' I said. 'The paper said immediate occupancy.'

  'Well, two weeks is almost immediate,' Esther said. 'When you get to be my age, two weeks is nothing.'

  Two weeks. I'll be dead in two weeks! Valerie needs to move out of my apartment now.

  Valerie turned to my mother. 'What do you think?'

  'It's perfect,' my mother said.

  Esther looked at Sally. 'Are you the son-in-law?'

  'Nope,' Sally said. 'I'm the bus driver and the wedding planner.'

  'The son-in-law is a lawyer,' my mother said proudly.

  Esther perked up when she heard that.

  'You should take it,' Grandma said to Valerie.

  'Yeah,' Sally said. 'You should take it.'

  'Okay,' Valerie said. 'It's a deal.'

  So here we go again, there's good news, and there's bad news.

  The good news is I'm getting my apartment back. The bad news is

  I'm not getting it back soon enough.

  'I need a doughnut,' I said, more to myself than anyone else.

  'That's a good idea,' Grandma said. 'I could go for a doughnut.'

  'Back to the bus,' Sally said. 'We're all going for doughnuts.'

  Five minutes later, Sally was parked in front of Tasty Pastry. The doors whooshed open and everyone tramped out for celebratory doughnuts. Grandma picked out two, my mother picked out two,

  Valerie got two, and Sally got two. And I got a dozen. I said they were for the office, but if my day didn't improve there was a good chance I'd eat every last one of them.

  Renee Platt was behind the counter. 'Wow, it's really brave of you to take on the Slayers,' she said to me. 'I sure wouldn't want to mess with any of those guys.'

  'Who are the Slayers?' my mother wanted to know.

  'Nobody special,' I told my mother. 'And I didn't take them on.'

  'I heard you went into their territory with a tank and ran over a bunch of them,' Renee said. 'Including the head guy. And I heard you're the only one who can identify the Red Devil. And that you've sworn a blood oath to get him.'

  'Omigod,' I said. 'Who did you hear that from?'

  'Everybody knows,' Renee said. Its all over town.'

  My mother crossed herself and ate her two doughnuts on the spot.

  'It's the Hungarian side of the family.' Grandma said. We're tough.

  We come from a long line of army deserters and nasty alcoholics.'

  'Probably we should be going home now,' I said. My mother looked like the two doughnuts didn't do it. My mother had her lips pressed so tight together her face was turning blue. I was a trial to my mother.

  We all trooped out to the bus and took our seats. 'Let me know if you need help rounding up those Slayers,' Grandma said to me.

  'I don't know what they are, but I bet I could kick some Slayer butt.'

  They're a gang,' Sally said. 'A really bad gang. I have to go through their territory to pick up a couple kids on my bus route, and it's like going through a war zone. They have sentries on the corners and soldiers patrolling the streets. And I don't know what it is, but these guys never smile. They just stand there, staring, like the living dead.'

  'What do gangs do?' Grandma wanted to know.

  They act tough,' Sally said. 'And these days they control a lot of the drug traffic. And they kill each other.'

  'I don't know what this world's coming to,' Grandma said. 'Used to be the mob did that. What's left for the mob to do? No wonder

  Lou Raguzzi looks so bad. I saw him the other day at Stiva's and his shoes were all run down at the heel. He probably can't afford to buy shoes.'

  'Lou's doing fine,' my mother said. 'He's being audited by the

  IRS. He got those shoes special so he wouldn't look too successful.'

  Everyone crossed themselves at the mention of the IRS. Street gangs and the mob paled in comparison to fear of the tax code.

  'I'm going to have to take off,' Sally said, stopping in front of my parents' house. 'I have to get across town to start picking the little dudes up.'

  Thanks for the ride,' Grandma said, making her way down the bus steps. 'Maybe I'll see you tonight. There's a good viewing at

  Stiva's. Charley Whitehead's laid out, and the Knights of Columbus should be there tonight. They always put on a good show. They're the best of the lodges.'

  I took Valerie's diaper bag, and my mother took Valerie's purse, and we all followed Grandma off the bus and up to the house.

  'I have to go, too,' I said, depositing the diaper bag in the hallway.

  'It was nice of you to help your sister find a place,' my mother said to me.

  I hiked my own bag onto my shoulder. Thanks, but it was self-serving.'

  It would have been self-serving to order her out of your apartment. Finding her a house was a nice thing to do.'

  I took my bag of doughnuts, called goodbye to everyone, and let myself out. I climbed into Ranger's truck, and I sat there for a moment, trying to calm myself. I was going to be in big trouble if the rumors got back to the Slayers. The Slayers wouldn't like being run over and hunted down by a pasty-faced white woman. It wasn't the sor
t of thing that earned gangland prestige points. Not much I can do about it now, I thought. The best I could do was to stay away from them and try to keep a low profile. With any luck, the Slayers would be busy selling drugs and shooting each other and not have time for me.