Ten Big Ones

  I was still watching the Taylor house at four o'clock. I was bored out of my mind and hungry enough to eat the upholstery. I called

  Lula, told her I was on Hancock, and asked her to bring me something nonfattening to eat.

  Five minutes later, the Firebird pulled to the curb behind me, and Lula got out. 'What's happening?' she asked, handing over a brown paper lunch bag. 'Did I miss anything?'

  I'm hanging out to see if Lauralene has a date tonight.'

  I looked in the bag. It contained a bottle of water and a hard-boiled egg.

  'You gotta stay away from the carbs,' Lula said. That's how I lost all my weight. I went on that protein diet. Then I sort of fell off the wagon and gained all the weight back, but it was still my favorite diet, except for the time I ate two pounds of bacon and threw up.'

  I ate the egg and drank the water. I thought about eating the bag, but I was worried it was carbohydrate.

  `I guess I should stay with you in case something dangerous happens, and you need someone to squish somebody,' Lula said.

  I looked over at her. 'Nothing better to do?'

  'Not a damn thing. I'm between men right now. And there's nothing on television worth watching.' She pulled a deck of cards out of her purse. 'I figured we could play rummy.'

  At six o'clock Lula said she had to have a bathroom break. She took off in the Firebird, and she returned a half hour later with powdered sugar on her shirt.

  That's really rotten,' I said. 'You've got a lot of nerve sneaking out to get food and not bringing any back for me.'

  'You're on a diet.'

  'It's not the starvation diet!'

  'Well, I was going to stop home to use the bathroom, and then I thought why not use the bathroom at Dunkin' Donuts? And then I couldn't very well use their bathroom without buying some doughnuts. That'd be rude, right?'

  I gave her an Italian hand signal that didn't mean left turn.

  'Boy, you get cranky when you don't get a doughnut,' Lula said.

  A little over an hour later, streetlights were on, and Hancock

  Street was settled in for the night. Lula and I couldn't play cards in the dark, so we were passing the time with twenty questions.

  `I'm thinking of something that's animal,' Lula said. 'And my ass is asleep. What makes you so sure Lauralene's gonna have a date tonight?'

  'She's got news for Anton, and I'm betting she's going to use it to make him come see her.'

  Just then, the Taylors' front door opened and Lauralene stepped out.

  'You're pretty smart,' Lula said. 'You're always thinking. You know all about manipulative female shit.'

  Lauralene looked right and left, and Lula and I froze. We were just a couple houses down. Easily in sight. Fortunately, we weren't under a streetlight, and Lauralene didn't appear to have picked us out. She was wearing the same pink sweat suit. She wasn't carrying a purse. She set off down the street, walking away from us.

  'She's going to meet him,' Lula said. 'And she don't want her mama to know.'

  Lauralene turned the corner, and I started the car engine. I left my headlights off, and I carefully followed after Lauralene. She walked two blocks and got into the back seat of a parked car. The car was in shadow, hard to tell the make, impossible to see the occupants at this distance. It looked to be a compact, possibly dark green.

  I stopped several houses back and idled at the curb. There were no cars parked between Lauralene and me.

  'We're sort of exposed, sitting here like this,' Lula said. 'She could turn around and see us.'

  I agreed, but I didn't want to drive past Lauralene and risk having her recognize me. Better to take our chances being parked in the dark.

  After a short time, the car in front of us started to rock.

  'Look at this,' Lula said. 'She's seven months pregnant, and they're doing the nasty in the back seat of a friggin' compact. They didn't even bother to go out of the neighborhood.'

  They must have been in a hurry,' I said.

  'Well, excuse me, but I think that's tacky. He could at least of had the courtesy to steal something with a bigger back seat. This here's a pregnant woman he's slippin' it to. I mean how much effort does it take to find a Cadillac? All those old people over in Hamilton

  Township got Caddies. Those cars are just sitting around waiting to get stolen.'

  'He's doing more than slippin',' I said. 'I've never seen a car rock like that.'

  'He's gonna ruin the shocks if he keeps this up.'

  Some loud groaning sounds carried back to us, and Lula and I rolled our windows down so we could hear better.

  'Either he's real good or else she's going into labor,' Lula said.

  She leaned forward and squinted. 'Am I looking at a moon? What the hell is he doing? How'd he get his ass plastered against the rear window like that?'

  The sight was both horrifying and mesmerizing.

  'Maybe we should go get him before he finishes up,' Lula said.

  'It'll be easier to get the cuffs on him when he's got a boner and can't move real fast.'

  Lula was probably right, but I couldn't see myself slapping cuffs on Anton Ward while his flag was flying. Last month Morelli and I rented a porno flick, and there was some boinking in it. And okay, so it was fun in a car-crash kind of way. But that was film, and this is Anton Ward in the flesh, rocking the car with pregnant

  Lauralene Taylor. Yikes. I was as close as I wanted to get.

  'Uh oh,' Lula said. The car's stopped rocking.'

  We stuck our heads out and listened. Quiet.

  'He don't impress me as being the type to stick around,' Lula said.

  We jumped out of the Lincoln and scurried up to Ward's car. I had cuffs shoved into the waistband of my jeans, and I was holding

  Ranger's Maglite in one hand and pepper spray in the other. Lula was fumbling in her purse, looking for her gun as she ran.

  I took a deep breath, prayed to God that Anton and Lauralene had their clothes on, and flashed the Maglite into the car interior.

  'What the fuck?' Anton Ward said, bare ass gleaming under the

  Maglite.

  'Oops,' I said. 'Sorry, I thought you were done.'

  'Guess they must have been changing positions,' Lula said, looking into the car.

  'You fat cow,' Ward yelled at Lauralene. 'You set me up.' And he punched her in the face.

  I dropped the Maglite and the spray, and reached into the car to secure Ward, but he was a man in motion, and I only succeeded in grabbing his pants. He wriggled out of the pants, hurled himself out of the opposite side of the car, and took off running.

  I ran after him, down the street to the corner. He turned the corner and kept going. He was younger and probably in better shape than me, but he was running buck naked with the exception of socks. I figured eventually the socks were going to slow him down, not to mention the outdoor plumbing swinging in the breeze.

  I could hear Lula pounding the pavement half a block back.

  Nice to know someone was slower than me.

  Ward cut through a narrow alley between houses, jumped a fence, and fell when he caught his foot on the top of the fence. He scrambled to his feet, but he'd lost ground to me. I went over the fence and tackled him.

  He wasn't a real big guy, but he was a nasty fighter. We rolled around on the ground, swearing and clawing. Turns out it's not that easy to grab hold of a naked guy. Not that I was feeling fussy about where to grab, mostly I just couldn't get a grip on anything. He caught me with a knee to the stomach, and I rolled off him in a rush of pain.

  'Stand clear,' Lula yelled. 'I've got him!' And Lula fell on top of

  Anton Ward, doing a perfect repeat of Roger Banker.

  There was a woof of air that got squished out of Anton Ward's body when Lula made contact, and then Ward didn't move. He was on his back, spread-eagled, eyes open and fixed.

  Lula toed him. 'You aren't dead, are you?'

  Ward blinked.

  'He isn't dead,' Lula said.
'Too bad, hunh?'

  I cuffed him, and Lula and I hauled him to his feet.

  'Guess we don't have to search him for weapons,' Lula said.

  That's a big advantage to chasing down a naked guy.'

  'Come on,' I said to Ward. We're going back to the car.'

  `I'M not going nowhere,' he said.

  'Don't mess with me,' I told him. I've only had an egg to eat today, and I'm feeling really vicious.'

  'Not only that, but I wouldn't mind having a reason to sit on you again,' Lula said. `I'm working at perfecting my technique. That was my new special move. I'm even going to give it a name. You know how the Rock has all them wrestling moves like the People's

  Elbow and the Rock Bottom? I'm gonna call mine the Lula Bootie

  Bomb.'

  Ward did some mumbling and started walking. 'You're as good as dead,' he said to me.

  'We're so scared, we're shaking,' Lula said. 'Look at me. I'm shaking. We're getting threatened by some ugly-ass naked guy. You think we're scared of you? You can't even keep your baggy-ass clothes on.'

  'You mess with me, and you mess with the Nation,' Ward said.

  'Only reason bounty hunter bitch hasn't tasted the brothers so far is she's being saved for Junkman.' Ward smiled at me. 'You're gonna like Junkman. They tell me he's got a way with bitches.'

  We turned the corner, and I could see the Lincoln at the curb, but no Ward car.

  'Fuck,' Ward said. 'That cow took off with my car.'

  No big disaster, except his clothes were in the car. Lula and I both looked at Ward.

  'He isn't going in my Firebird like this,' Lula said. `I'm not sitting his nasty bare ass on my Firebird seat.'

  I didn't want his bare ass on my upholstery, either. I wasn't in love with the Lincoln, but it was all I had right now.

  `I'll call Morelli,' I said. 'They can come pick him up.'

  'You have Ward in cuffs?' Morelli said, after a deadly pause.

  'Yeah, and I thought you could come get him.'

  'You were supposed to call me for the takedown.'

  `I forgot. It happened kind of fast. You know, took me by surprise.'

  Ten minutes later, two squad cars pulled up. Robin Russell got out of the first car and walked over to me.

  'Oh man,' she said, 'he's naked. I'm not getting paid enough for this job.'

  'Wasn't our fault he's naked,' Lula said. 'We caught him in the act. He was in the back seat of a Hyundai, humping like a big dog.'

  Carl Costanza followed Russell. He checked Ward out and grinned at me. 'You want to tell me the details?'

  'No,' I said. 'You're going to have to make them up as you go.'

  'Joe's gonna love this,' Costanza said.

  'Where is he?'

  'He's waiting at the station. He was afraid he'd be up for homicide if he didn't calm down before he saw you.'

  Robin slung a friendly arm around Costanza's shoulders. 'I have a real big favor to ask

  'No way.'

  Robin Russell narrowed her eyes. 'You don't even know what I was going to say.'

  'You were going to try to sweet-talk me into putting this guy's bare ass in my squad car.'

  'I was not,' Russell said. 'Well, all right, I was.' She locked eyes with Costanza. 'What would it take?'

  Costanza smiled at her.

  'You're a disgrace to the uniform,' Russell said to Costanza.

  'I try.'

  Russell wrapped her hand around Ward's arm and tugged him forward. `I'm going to sit you on my Trenton Times,' she said to

  Ward. 'And I don't want to see your butt move off that newspaper.'

  That was fun,' Lula said. 'That was worth waiting for.'

  It was satisfying to have captured Ward, but I don't know if I'd classify the experience as fun. I dropped Lula at her Firebird, thanked her for her help, and then I went on to the police station.

  I would have preferred to crawl back to Ranger's apartment and let my mind go numb in front of his big-screen TV, but I had to make sure I was credited for the capture. And I had to pick up my body receipt.

  The police station isn't in the high-rent part of town, and the public lot is across the street and unguarded. It was too late, too dark, and I was too worried to take a chance on the public lot, so I parked illegally in the lot reserved for cop cars. I had myself buzzed in through the back door, and I went directly to the desk. Ward was there, chained to a wooden bench, still naked. Someone had draped a towel over his lap.

  'Hey, bitch,' Ward said to me. 'Want to take a peek under the towel? Take one last look at the big boy?'

  Then he made slurpy kissy sounds at me.

  I'd already seen more of the 'big boy' than I wanted, and it wasn't that big or that fascinating. And the kissy sounds were really getting on my nerves. I kept my head down at the desk, waiting for my paperwork. I didn't want to see Morelli. I didn't know if he was in the building. If I got out before he found me, that would be cool.

  I figured time and space were my friends at this point.

  There was a new cop behind the desk, going slow, making sure he was getting it right. I had a hard time not ripping the body receipt out of his hands.

  'In a hurry?' he asked.

  'Things to do.'

  I took the receipt from him, turned on my heel, and marched out of the building. I avoided eye contact with Ward, just in case the towel had slipped or, even worse, was moving. The back door closed behind me, and I shrieked when Morelli grabbed me and pulled me to one side.

  'Jeez,' I said, hand over my heart. 'You scared the crap out of me.

  Don't sneak up on me like that.' Although, truth is, I'm not sure I shrieked because I didn't know who it was or because I did know who it was.

  'Are you okay?'

  'Yeah, I think I'm okay. I'm just having some heart palpitations.

  I have them a lot these days.'

  'Now that you've had a chance to see Ward up close, are you sure he's the Red Devil?'

  'Yes.'

  'And he was in the car when Gazarra got shot?'

  'Yes.'

  A patrol car pulled up to the back door for delivery. Morelli and I stood aside while two cops hauled Lauralene out of the back seat.

  'What did she do?' I asked.

  'Ran a red light in a stolen car, driving without a license.'

  Lauralene's eyes were red from crying.

  'She's had a bad night,' I said to Morelli. 'And she's pregnant.

  Maybe you can talk to her. She looks like she could use a friend.'

  I called Francine and told her Ward had been captured. Then I told her Lauralene was at the cop shop.

  'Now what?' Morelli said.

  'I'm going home. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.'

  'And home is where?'

  'It's a secret.'

  'I could find you if I put some energy to it,' he said.

  `I'd tell you if I thought I could trust you.'

  Morelli sent me a tight smile. He couldn't be trusted. We both knew it. He'd drag me out of my hiding place against my wishes if he thought it was the right thing to do.

  'Do you need an escort out of here? Are you in public parking?'

  'No, I'm illegally parked in the chief's spot.'

  Morelli looked over at the reserved space. The Lincoln? What happened to the truck?'

  Too high profile.'

  My cell phone rang at six forty-five Monday morning.

  'Junkman tagged the second gang member on his list,' Morelli said. 'You don't want to know the details, but it took us less time to locate all the body parts this time since we knew where to look.'

  Not good information on an empty stomach.

  I rolled out of bed and went to the kitchen to say good morning to Rex. I made coffee and drank it with my meager bowl of healthy, tasteless cereal. After two cups of coffee I still wasn't motivated to start my day, so I went back to bed.

  The phone rang again at eight o'clock. It was Connie.