Ten Big Ones

  'He hit me with his guitar.'

  'That's true, but I thought you might not want it to go public about the sex thing.'

  'What sex thing?'

  The witnesses said you wanted to have sex with Sally.'

  That's a lie. I was just busting his balls.'

  'It's not going to sound like that at the trial.'

  Trial?'

  'Well, he's got this lawyer now. And all the witnesses...'

  'Shit.'

  I looked at my watch. 'If you move fast and make a phone call you can stop the process before it gets out of control. Probably your father-in-law would be upset to learn that you propositioned a transvestite.'

  'Yeah,' Lula said. 'That's like a double cheat. You were gonna cheat with a guy in a dress. Father-in-laws hate that.'

  'What's the name of this hotshot lawyer?' Sklar asked.

  'Albert Kloughn.'

  'And he's supposed to be good? I never heard of him.'

  'He's a shark,' I said. 'He's new to the area.'

  'So what's your interest in this?' Sklar asked me.

  'Just being a friend, Marty. Since we went to school together and all.'

  And I left the showroom.

  Lula and I didn't say anything until we were out of the lot.

  'Girl, you can lie!' Lula yelled when I turned the Buick onto

  Broad. 'You are the shit. I almost gave myself a hemorrhoid trying not to laugh back there. I can't believe how good you can lie. I mean I've seen you lie before, but this was like Satan lying. It was inspired lying.'

  Four

  I drove two blocks up Broad and pulled into a Subway shop.

  'This is a good place to eat lunch,' Lula said. They got them low-carb sandwiches. And they got them low-fat sandwiches.

  You could lose a lot of weight eating here. The more you eat, the more you lose.'

  'Actually, I chose Subway because it was next to Dunkin' Donuts.'

  'Friggin' A,' Lula said.

  We each got a sub. And then we each got six doughnuts. We sat in the car and ate the sub and the doughnuts in silence.

  I crumpled my wrappers and shoved them into the doughnut bag.

  'Do you know anything about the Slayers?' I asked Lula.

  'I know they're bad news. There's a whole bunch of gangs in

  Trenton. The Comstock Street Slayers and the Bad Killer Cuts are the two big ones. Used to be you only heard about Slayers on the

  West Coast, but they're everywhere now. Kids join up in prison, and then they bring it back to the street. Comstock Street is gangland these days.'

  I talked to Morelli a while ago. He said the Slayers are bragging about shooting Eddie Gazarra.'

  'Bummer. You better watch out on account of you disrespected

  Red Devil, and he was hanging with those guys. You don't want to get on the bad side of a Slayer. I'd be real careful of that if I was you.'

  'You're the one who shot up the devil guys tire!'

  `Yeah, but he didn't know it was me. He probably thought it was you. You're the big-deal bounty hunter. I'm just a file clerk.'

  'Speaking of file clerk, I should get you back to the office so you can do some filing.'

  'Yeah, but who's gonna watch out for your ass then? Who's gonna help catch the bad guys? You know what we should do? We should go take a look around Comstock Street. Maybe we could get the

  Red Devil.'

  'I don't want to get the Red Devil. He shoots at people. He's a police problem.'

  'Boy, what's with you? Everything's a police problem these days.'

  'I enforce bail-bond requirements. That's the extent of my authority.'

  "Well, we don't have to actually get him. We could just do some investigating. You know, like we could ride around in the neighborhood.

  Maybe talk to a couple people. I bet we could find out who the devil guy is. You're the only one who knows what he looks like.'

  Lucky me. 'To begin with, I don't know where the devil guy lives, so it would be hard to ride around in his neighborhood. And if that isn't enough, even if we found his neighborhood and went asking questions, no one would talk to me.'

  'Yeah, but they'd talk to me. Everyone talks to me. I got a winning personality. And I look like I belong in a gang-infested neighborhood.' Lula scrounged in her big black leather purse, found her cell phone, and punched in a number.

  'Hey,' she said when the connection was made. It's Lula, and I need some information.' Pause. Tour ass,' she said. `I'm not doing that no more.' Another pause. `I'm not doing that either. And I'm especially not doing that last thing. That's disgusting. Are you gonna listen to me, or what?'

  There were about three more minutes of conversation, and Lula dropped her phone back into her bag.

  'Okay, I got some gang boundaries now. The Slayers are between

  Third and Eighth Streets on Comstock. And Comstock's one block over from Stark,' Lula said. 'I used to work part of that area. My corner was on Stark, but I got a lot of customers from the south side. It wasn't so bad back then. That was before the gangs moved in. I figure we just mosey on over there and take a look around.'

  'I don't think that's a good idea.'

  'How bad could it be? We're in a car. We're just driving through.

  It's not like we're in Baghdad, or something. And anyway, the gangs aren't out during the day. They're like vampires. They only come out at night. So during the day the streets are real safe.'

  That's not true.'

  'Are you calling me a fibber?'

  'Yeah.'

  'Well, okay, maybe they aren't real safe. But they're safe enough in a car. What could happen to you in a car?'

  Problem was, Lula and I were sort of the Abbott and Costello of law enforcement. Things happened to us all the time. Things that weren't normal.

  'Give me a break,' Lula said. `I don't want to go back and file. I'd rather ride through hell than file.'

  'Okay,' I said on a sigh. 'We'll do a drive-through.' Abbott and that jerk Marty Sklar. He's the one who started all this.'

  I felt my eyebrows shoot halfway up my forehead. 'Marty Sklar is the guy who made a pass at you?'

  'Do you know him?' Sally asked.

  'I went to school with him. He was a big macho football player.

  And he married Barbara Jean Biabloki, the pom-pom queen.' It was a perfect match. They deserved each other. Sklar was a bully, and Barbara Jean thought she could walk on water because she grew perfect breasts. Last I heard, Sklar was working in his father-in-law's

  Toyota dealership, and Barbara Jean had porked up to biblical proportions. 'Was Sklar drunk?'

  'Fuckin' A. Oh crap!' Snap, snap.

  'You gotta remember about fudge,' Grandma said.

  Sally nodded. 'Fudgin' A.'

  We all did a mental eeyeuuw. Fudgin' A didn't sound tasty coming out of Sally's mouth.

  'Maybe fudge don't work for that one time,' Grandma said.

  If I could get Sklar to drop the charges against Sally, and we had a sympathetic judge, I could save Sally the expense of a second bond. 'You're not going anywhere,' I said to Sally. 'I don't need to bring you in today. I'll talk to Sklar and see what I can do about getting the charges dropped.'

  'No shit!' Snap.

  'You better clean up your mouth, or you're gonna lose that hand,' Lula said to Sally. 'You're gonna amputate yourself

  'F-f-fudge,' Sally said.

  Grandma looked down at her watch. 'You're going to have to take me home now. I have a beauty-parlor appointment this afternoon, and I don't want to be late. I got a lot of ground to cover today what with the shooting and all.'

  This was a good deal for me because the negotiation with Marty

  Sklar would go better without Grandma present. In fact, I'd prefer to do it without Lula but I didn't think that was going to happen. I pointed the Buick toward the Burg and motored across town. I dropped Grandma off in front of my parents' house. My sister's car was still in the driveway.

  'They're plann
ing the wedding,' Grandma said. 'Ordinarily I'd be right there, but it looks to me like this is going on for days. They spent two hours this morning talking about what land of suit Mr

  Cutie Uggums was going to wear. I don't know how your mother does it. That woman has the patience of a saint.'

  'Who's Mr Cutie Uggums?' Lula wanted to know.

  'Albert Kloughn. He and Valerie are getting married.'

  'That's scary,' Lula said.

  Melvin Biabloki's Toyota dealership took up half a block on South

  Broad Street. It wasn't the biggest or the best dealership in the state, but according to Burg gossip it made enough money to send

  Melvin and his wife on a cruise every February and to give a job to his son-in-law.

  I parked in the area reserved for customers, and Lula and I went searching for Sklar.

  'This here's a butt-ugly showroom,' Lula said. 'They should buy some new carpet. And what's with the nasty plastic chairs? For a minute there I thought I was back at the office.'

  A guy in a sports coat ambled over, and it took me a moment to realize it was Marty Sklar. He was shorter than I remembered. His hair was balding. He was wearing glasses. And his six-pack stomach had turned to a keg. Marty wasn't aging well.

  'Stephanie Plum,' Marty said. 'I remember you. Joe Morelli used to write poems on bathroom walls about you.'

  'Yeah. I'm living with him now.'

  Sklar touched his index finger to my lip. 'Then all those things he said must be true.'

  He'd caught me flat-footed. I wasn't expecting the touch. I slapped his hand away, but it was too late. I had Marty Sklar cooties on my lip. Yuk. I needed mouthwash. Disinfectant. I was going to rush home and take a shower. Maybe two showers.

  'Hey,' Lula said. 'Don't you touch her. Did she say you could touch her? I don't think so. I didn't hear her give you permission.

  You keep your nasty-ass hands to yourself.'

  Sklar cut his eyes to Lula. 'Who the hell are you?'

  I'm Lula. Who the hell are you?'

  `I'm Marty Sklar.'

  'Hunh,' Lula said.

  I tried not to think about the lip cooties and pushed forward.

  'Here's the thing, Marty. I want to talk to you about Sally Sweet.'

  'What about him?'

  'I thought you might want to drop the charges. It turns out he's hired a really good lawyer. And the lawyer's found a bunch of witnesses who've officially stated you came on to Sweet.'

  'He hit me with his guitar.'

  That's true, but I thought you might not want it to go public about the sex thing.'

  *What sex thing?'

  The witnesses said you wanted to have sex with Sally.'

  That's a lie. I was just busting his balls.'

  It's not going to sound like that at the trial.'

  Trial?'

  'Well, he's got this lawyer now. And all the witnesses

  'Shit.'

  I looked at my watch. 'If you move fast and make a phone call you can stop the process before it gets out of control. Probably your father-in-law would be upset to learn that you propositioned a transvestite.'

  `Yeah,' Lula said. That's like a double cheat. You were gonna cheat with a guy in a dress. Father-in-laws hate that.'

  'What's the name of this hotshot lawyer?' Sklar asked.

  'Albert Kloughn.'

  'And he's supposed to be good? I never heard of him.'

  'He's a shark,' I said. 'He's new to the area.'

  'So what's your interest in this?' Sklar asked me.

  'Just being a friend, Marty. Since we went to school together and all.'

  And I left the showroom.

  Lula and I didn't say anything until we were out of the lot.

  'Girl, you can lie!' Lula yelled when I turned the Buick onto

  Broad. 'You are the shit. I almost gave myself a hemorrhoid trying not to laugh back there. I can't believe how good you can lie. I mean I've seen you lie before, but this was like Satan lying. It was inspired lying.'

  Stephanie Plum 10 - Ten Big Ones

  Four

  I drove two blocks up Broad and pulled into a Subway shop.

  This is a good place to eat lunch,' Lula said. They got them low-carb sandwiches. And they got them low-fat sandwiches.

  You could lose a lot of weight eating here. The more you eat, the more you lose.'

  'Actually, I chose Subway because it was next to Dunkin' Donuts.'

  'Friggin' A,' Lula said.

  We each got a sub. And then we each got six doughnuts. We sat in the car and ate the sub and the doughnuts in silence.

  I crumpled my wrappers and shoved them into the doughnut bag.

  'Do you know anything about the Slayers?' I asked Lula.

  'I know they're bad news. There's a whole bunch of gangs in

  Trenton. The Comstock Street Slayers and the Bad Killer Cuts are the two big ones. Used to be you only heard about Slayers on the

  West Coast, but they're everywhere now. Kids join up in prison, and then they bring it back to the street. Comstock Street is gangland these days.'

  'I talked to Morelli a while ago. He said the Slayers are bragging about shooting Eddie Gazarra.'

  'Bummer. You better watch out on account of you disrespected

  Red Devil, and he was hanging with those guys. You don't want to get on the bad side of a Slayer. I'd be real careful of that if I was you.'

  'You're the one who shot up the devil guy's tire!'

  `Yeah, but he didn't know it was me. He probably thought it was you. You're the big-deal bounty hunter. I'm just a file clerk.'

  'Speaking of file clerk, I should get you back to the office so you can do some filing.'

  `Yeah, but who's gonna watch out for your ass then? Who's gonna help catch the bad guys? You know what we should do? We should go take a look around Comstock Street. Maybe we could get the

  Red Devil.'

  'I don't want to get the Red Devil. He shoots at people. He's a police problem.'

  'Boy, what's with you? Everything's a police problem these days.'

  1 enforce bail-bond requirements. That's the extent of my authority.'

  Well, we don't have to actually get him. We could just do some investigating. You know, like we could ride around in the neighborhood.

  Maybe talk to a couple people. I bet we could find out who the devil guy is. You're the only one who knows what he looks like.'

  Lucky me. 'To begin with, I don't know where the devil guy lives, so it would be hard to ride around in his neighborhood. And if that isn't enough, even if we found his neighborhood and went asking questions, no one would talk to me.'

  'Yeah, but they'd talk to me. Everyone talks to me. I got a winning personality. And I look like I belong in a gang-infested neighborhood.' Lula scrounged in her big black leather purse, found her cell phone, and punched in a number.

  'Hey,' she said when the connection was made. It's Lula, and I need some information.' Pause. Tour ass,' she said. I'm not doing that no more.' Another pause. `I'm not doing that either. And I'm especially not doing that last thing. That's disgusting. Are you gonna listen to me, or what?'

  There were about three more minutes of conversation, and Lula dropped her phone back into her bag.

  'Okay, I got some gang boundaries now. The Slayers are between

  Third and Eighth Streets on Comstock. And Comstock's one block over from Stark,' Lula said. `I used to work part of that area. My corner was on Stark, but I got a lot of customers from the south side. It wasn't so bad back then. That was before the gangs moved in. I figure we just mosey on over there and take a look around.'

  `I don't think that's a good idea.'

  `How bad could it be? We're in a car. We're just driving through.

  It's not like we're in Baghdad, or something. And anyway, the gangs aren't out during the day. They're like vampires. They only come out at night. So during the day the streets are real safe.'