Gone

  HENRY

  Still Monday. 10:44 p.m.

  It’s a long, dark walk to the bus stop. Heat lightning flashes in the sky. Thunder rumbles low and the humidity is thick. No rain, though.

  Enough with the mosquitoes already.

  Janie snacks on a sandwich and a PowerBar. Stocking up on energy, gearing up for a big night. Wondering if Henry is still alive, even.

  11:28 p.m.

  The hallways are quiet as usual and the doors are closed. Janie waves to Nurse Miguel and approaches the desk. “Anything new?”

  Miguel shakes his head. “The doctor thinks it won’t be long now,” he says.

  Janie nods. “I’m probably going to spend the night . . . just sit with him. Okay?”

  “Sure thing, hon,” he says. He reaches down behind the counter. “Here’s a blanket in case you get cold. You probably know the chair reclines, right?”

  Janie doesn’t know, but she nods anyway, taking the blanket. “Thank you.” She continues down the hallway to Henry’s room. Stands there for a moment, taking a few deep breaths. “This is it,” she says softly, and then she opens the door. Shuts it quickly behind her as she goes down.

  It’s different this time.

  This time, Janie is flung directly into the nightmare. She’s in a familiar spot as before, with Henry screaming out, “Help me! Help me!” again and again. He turns to Janie when she approaches and he continues to scream at her. A stoic Miss Stubin stands near Henry, waits patiently for it to end. Even in her divine state, if that’s what it is, she looks weary.

  Janie doesn’t waste any time. “Henry!” she shouts. “I want to help you! I’m here to help you. But I don’t know what to do. Can you show me?”

  There’s no stopping him.

  Janie turns to Miss Stubin. “Why don’t you leave?”

  “I can’t. Not until he’s ready to come with me.”

  Janie groans, realizing now she’s not only responsible for her hysterical, nearly dead father’s peace, but her beloved Miss Stubin’s happiness as well. She puts her hands over her ears. Frustrated, growing frantic because of the yelling. It’s unnerving, really. And painful. Her whole body begins to ache.

  Henry stands up and walks over to Janie and she steps back, tensing, worried that he’ll grab her, strangle her, but he doesn’t. “Help me! Help me!” He screams in her ear, making her bones rattle from the intense pitch. She moves and he follows her around. His voice is pleading. He gets on his knees and grasps Janie’s hand, tugging at her, crying out. Begging for help.

  His voice grows ragged, out of control.

  Janie doesn’t know what to do. She screams back at him, “Tell me what to do!”

  Henry’s cries grow even louder.

  Miss Stubin waits and watches, her eyes filled with pity. “I don’t think he can,” she says, but Janie can’t hear her.

  Janie knows she can’t hold on much longer. She can’t move. Her physical body is gone from her, and her dream body screams out in its own pain. There’s nothing she can do for Henry . . . nothing.

  Nothing she can think of.

  She turns to Miss Stubin. “Can you try? Like last time?”

  Miss Stubin nods. She approaches Henry. When she walks, it looks like she’s gliding effortlessly across the floor.

  “Henry,” she says. She puts her hand on his shoulder.

  His screams falter.

  Miss Stubin concentrates. Talks to him with her mind. Calms him.

  Henry’s ragged voice falls away.

  Miss Stubin leads him back to his chair and beckons Janie to come.

  “There,” Miss Stubin says, smiling. “It’s really a lot easier this way, Henry.”

  Henry holds up handfuls of his hair. Shows them to Janie.

  Janie nods. “Your head hurts, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes,” he says, cringing, as if talking calmly is difficult for him. “Yes, it hurts.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” Janie says. “Do you know how I can help you?”

  Henry looks at Janie. He shakes his head. “I just want to die,” he says. “Please. Can you help me die?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll . . . I’ll try. I can’t do anything illegal. You understand?”

  He nods.

  “Where are we?” Janie asks. “Is this your dream? This dark gymnasium? This is it?”

  Henry stands up. “This way.” He beckons the other two to follow. He pushes open the double doors that lead out of the gymnasium. They walk through, into a hallway. There are doors on both sides.

  They go into the first room.

  It’s a synagogue.

  A boy convulses in his seat. His father, next to him, reprimands him.

  “It’s you, the boy, isn’t it?” Janie asks.

  “Yes.”

  “A memory?”

  “Sort of. That is my dream—my life, over and over.”

  They go to the next classroom. People are lined up outside it. Henry, Miss Stubin, and Janie squeeze past the line of people and go inside. It’s a pizzeria. They walk past tables filled with people eating, laughing, to the kitchen, into the walk-in cooler. There, Henry leans in a corner with a girl. Kissing.

  Janie stares. “Who is that?”

  Henry looks at Janie. “That’s Dottie.”

  “You mean Dorothea? Dorothea Hannagan?” Janie can’t get over it, even though she knew there was probably some kissing involved there somewhere.

  “Yes.” He sighs. “The one true love of my life.”

  Janie wants to gag.

  Miss Stubin interrupts. “Tell us what happened, Henry. Between you and Janie’s mother. Will you?”

  He looks tired. And it’s cold in there. “There’s not much to tell.”

  “Please, Henry,” Janie says. She wants to hear him say it. Wants that validation that she’s doing the right thing.

  “We worked together in Chicago one summer—she was in high school, I was at U of M. In the fall, I went back to Michigan. She quit school and followed me. We lived together. It was terrible. The dreams. I had to choose—be with her, miserable, or be able to function, alone.” He begins to pull at his hair again. “Oh, hell,” he says. “It’s coming back.”

  “So you just left her to fend for herself? Did you know she was pregnant?”

  “I didn’t know.” His voice grows louder, as if he’s trying to talk above the noises in his head. “Janie, I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I sent her money. She wouldn’t take it. I’m so sorry.” He squats down, head in his hands.

  “Are you glad you did it? Glad you isolated yourself?” Janie gets down on the floor by him, anxious to get answers now.

  “Help me,” he squeals. “Help me!” He grabs her T-shirt. “Please, Janie, Please please help me! Kill me! Please!”

  Janie doesn’t know what to do. Miss Stubin tries desperately to calm him, but nothing works.

  “Are you glad?” Janie shouts. “Are you? Was it the best choice?”

  “There is no best. It’s Morton’s Fork.” He falls to the floor with a scream. “Help me! Oh, GOD. HELP ME!”

  Janie looks at Miss Stubin in horror and sees the cracks in the scene. Pieces of the dream begin to fall away. She can hear the static in the distance. “Shit,” she says. “I can’t stay in this.”

  “Go!” Miss Stubin says.

  They clasp hands for a moment. Look into each other’s eyes, Janie desperately trying to communicate that she’s not coming back.

  Not sure if it translates.

  But it’s time to go, before she gets trapped here again.

  Janie concentrates and with all her strength, bursts through the dream barrier.

  As Janie lies on the floor, shaking, trying to move, trying to feel her skin, trying to see, all she can think about is the look on Miss Stubin’s face and the complete, hopeless desperation of Henry, overcome by his own demons.

  Oh.

  Miss Stubin.

  What an awful way to say good-bye forever.

  Slowly,
exhausted, Janie pulls herself to the chair next to Henry’s bed. Her joints, even her teeth, ache, and she wonders just what happens to her body when she’s in a nightmare like that.

  But it doesn’t matter now.

  She is done with them.

  Janie wraps herself in the blanket to help stop her body from the uncontrollable shaking. She can barely stand to look at poor Henry’s twisted face. Sometime since she’d been here last, Henry pulled himself up into fetal position, hands fisted up by his head, as if to protect himself from the terrible unseen monsters that have taken him hostage. Janie reaches over to him. Touches his hand. Holds it.

  She pleads with him. “Please, please just die. Please.” She whispers it over and over, begging Henry to let go, begging his invisible captors to let him go. “I don’t know how to help you.” She buries her face in her hands. “Please, please, please . . . ” The words brush the air in rhythmic patterns like willow branches shushing the waves on the shore of Fremont Lake.

  But Henry doesn’t die.

  A half-hour ticks away on the clock. It feels beyond real in the dark, quiet room, like they are in a world cut off from everyone else. Janie snacks on the last sandwich from her backpack, trying to regain some strength, and then she starts talking to her father to help pass the time.

  She tells Henry about Dorothea, choosing her words carefully so as not to say anything too negative—she knows Henry doesn’t need to hear negative stuff in his condition. Janie talks about herself, too. Tells him things she’s never told anybody else, like how lonely she’s been.

  She tells him that she’s not mad at him for not knowing about her. And she talks about her secret dream-catcher life, that she is just like him. That she understands. That he’s not crazy—and he’s not alone. Everything comes rushing out—dream catching, her job, Miss Stubin, and Janie’s plan to just stop all of the dreams and have a nice quiet life like Henry. “I’m doing it too, Henry,” she says. “I’m isolating, like you. You probably didn’t even know about the real choice, did you? About the blindness and the loss of your hands.”

  And then Janie tells Henry that she understands why he did what he did to Dottie, even though he loved her so much. She understands that horrible choice. She tells him about Cabe. How much she loves him. How good he is, how patient. How torn she is about what this isolation plan means.

  How scared she is of telling him.

  Saying good-bye.

  It’s amazing, having someone who is just like her.

  Someone who understands.

  Even if he’s unable to respond.

  Suddenly, Janie feels like she’s wasted so much time these last few days, when she could have been here for Henry.

  She tells him how hard it’s been, discovering all this stuff in the past few days, and she cries a little.

  She talks deep into the night.

  Talks until she has emptied out her soul.

  Henry’s face doesn’t change. He doesn’t move at all.

  When Janie is too tired to think or say another word, she drifts off, all curled up in the chair.

  All is quiet.

  4:51 a.m.

  She dreams.

  Janie’s in her bedroom, sitting up in bed, disoriented. Her tongue feels dry, parched, and she wets her lips. Her tongue leaves a film on her lips—it feels gritty like sand. When Janie reaches up to wipe away the grittiness, her lips give way. Her teeth collapse and tiny pieces break off in her mouth. Crumbling. The sharp, stumpy remains cut her tongue.

  Horrified, Janie spits into her hands. Bits and pieces of the crumbled teeth come out. Janie keeps spitting and more and more tooth shards pile up in her hands. Frantically, Janie looks up, unsure what to do. When she moves her eyes, everything is blurry. Filmy. Like she’s trying to see in a steamed-up mirror or a waterfall. She dumps her teeth on the bed, forgotten, and wipes at her eyes, trying to clear them, trying to see. But she’s blind. “I’m isolating,” she cries. “I’m not supposed to go blind! No! I’m not ready!” She claws at her eyes, and then realizes that she has vertical slits—holes in her face—next to each eye. Something pokes out from each.

  Janie takes hold of whatever it is and pulls.

  Slivers of soap slide out from the slits.

  Janie’s eyes itch and burn like crazy. She swipes at them and pulls more pieces of soap out, but the pieces seem to reproduce. As she pulls out soap slivers, she runs her tongue over the jagged remains of her teeth, tasting blood. “No!” she cries.

  Finally, she pulls out the last of the soap and she can see again. She looks up, relieved.

  And there.

  Sitting in his chair. Watching Janie with a look of calm on his face.

  Henry.

  Janie stares at him.

  And it dawns on her, after a minute, what she should do.

  “Help me. Help me, Henry.”

  Henry looks surprised. Obediently he stands and approaches Janie.

  Janie shows him her handful of teeth. “You can help me change it, you know. Is it okay if I put these back in?”

  Henry’s eyes speak. They are filled with encouragement. He nods.

  Janie smiles a brickle smile. Nods back. Pushes the teeth back into place as if they are Lego pieces. When she is done, she pats the bed and smiles.

  Henry sits. “You’re just like me,” he says.

  “Yes.”

  “I heard you—all the things you told me. I’m sorry.”

  “I’m glad. Glad you heard, I mean. You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t know.” She stares at Henry’s empty chair.

  He turns to her. “I think . . . I think I would have liked to know you.”

  Janie chokes back a sob.

  He takes her hand. “I miss her. Dottie. Is she good to you? A good mother?”

  She stares at his hand in hers for a long minute. Not sure what to say about that. Finally she shrugs. Says, “I turned out all right.” Looks up at Henry’s face.

  Smiles a crooked smile through her tears.

  6:10 a.m.

  The door to Henry’s ICU room opens.

  It’s the first shift nurse, checking vitals. Janie startles awake, sits up and rubs her eyes.

  “Don’t mind me,” the nurse says, checking Henry’s pulse. “You look like you could use some more sleep.”

  Janie smiles and stretches. She glances at Henry, remembering. It was weird, having someone in her dream for the first time.

  Then she sucks in a breath, surprised, and hops to her feet to get a better look. “He’s—” she says as the nurse turns to go. “He looks different. His face.”

  The nurse glances at Henry and checks her chart. “Does he?” She smiles, distracted. “Better, I hope.”

  But Janie’s staring at Henry.

  His posture has relaxed, his face is no longer strained, his hands are unclenched and resting gently now by his face. He looks peaceful. The agony is gone.

  The nurse shrugs and leaves. Janie keeps staring, thrilled to see him looking better, hoping he’s no longer experiencing the horrible nightmares. Wonders briefly if there’s a chance he could pull out of it.

  Knows there’s a better chance he’ll finally get to die.

  6:21 a.m.

  Janie, with a plan, goes into Henry’s private bathroom and closes the door. She knows she doesn’t have much strength, but closing the door is a no-brainer if she gets stuck.

  She opens the door and gets sucked in. Slowly. Gently. No static, no bright walls slamming into her.

  It’s just a dark gymnasium, just one patch of light streaming through the high window.

  The hallway’s rooms are empty, now.

  Miss Stubin, Henry, both gone.

  All that remains is Henry’s chair.

  And on the chair, a note.

  My dear Janie,

  Much has been demanded of you. And yet, you remain stronger than you think.

  Until we meet again,

  Martha

  P.S. Henry wishes you to consider Mor
ton’s Fork.

  6:28 a.m.

  Janie closes the door on her last dream.

  When she is able, she escapes the dream again and trudges through the hallways and outside to the bus stop, takes the bus home, and falls into bed.

  TUESDAY

  August 8, 2006, 11:13 a.m.

  Janie wakes up, sweating like a marathoner. Her cheek is stuck to her pillowcase. Her hair is soaking wet. It’s at least 450 degrees in the house.

  And she’s starving.

  STARVING.

  She stumbles to the kitchen and stands at the refrigerator, eating whatever she can find. She presses the cold milk jug against her face to cool it before taking a long swig from it. And then she takes an ice cube and runs it all over her neck and arms. “God almighty,” she mutters, grabbing a container of leftover spaghetti and meatballs. “I need air!”

  Fifteen minutes later, she’s in the shower, water temp set to cold. It’s almost too cold, but Janie knows the minute she steps out of there, she’ll start sweating again, so she keeps the setting on freezing.

  When she turns off the water and steps out of the shower, she hears her mother’s voice, talking on the phone. Janie freezes and listens for a minute, and then she whips a towel around herself, clutching it at her chest, and opens the bathroom door, her hair dripping all over the floor.

  Dorothea, in her nightgown, hangs up the phone. Turns to look at Janie, her face haggard and old-looking. Pale, like the moon. “He’s dead,” she says simply. Shrugs. “It’s about time.” Shuffles back to her bedroom, but not before Janie sees Dorothea’s lip tremble.

  Janie stands in the hallway, dripping, feeling numb. “He’s dead,” she echoes. It’s as if the sound of her voice makes it real. Janie leans back against the hallway wall and slides down until she’s sitting on the floor. She tips her head back until it bumps the wall. “My dad is dead.”

  Still numb.

  It’s over.

  After a few minutes, Janie stands up and marches into her mother’s bedroom, not bothering to knock. Dorothea sits weeping on her bed.

  “So. What do we need to do?” Janie asks. “I mean, like, funeral stuff.”

  “I don’t know,” Dorothea says. “I told them I don’t want nothing to do with it. They can just handle it.”