Sleight of Hand

  ***

  Semiazas ambled through the shafts, taking leisurely time to enjoy the cries of the penitent and their pleas for mercy. The sounds filled him with glee.

  They'd find no mercy here, not in Hades. He knew it and so did they, yet they never gave up hope someone would come to their rescue or take pity on them.

  He was not looking forward to this meeting. It was probably his last chance to convince his Boss that he didn't do anything wrong and get into His good graces again. The meet required diplomacy and discretion. No demon wanted the wrath of Mephistopheles upon him.

  He rounded the corner and entered the cavern where Mephistopheles strategized, plotted and conferred with his army. "Your Highness," Semiazas said with a bow and his hands cupped in front of him.

  "You have good news for me, I hope," Mephistopheles said from behind his naturally fashioned granite desk.

  "But, of course, my Lord. The digit and Postal have been reunited."

  "And you were undetected?"

  Semiazas nodded, taking a moment to relish how good his fist felt against her nose. He wished they could keep her. She would be a worthy adversary, indeed, and he would take great pleasure in torturing her.

  "Good, good. I'm sure I don't need to remind you how something like this could have upset the balance of evil and good. Once, I was recipient of His wrath. Never again. We have coexisted in harmony for years — he takes his share of souls and I, mine and we never poach on the other's territory — and all of that would have been lost, because of your ineptitude."

  The ground shook under Semiazas' feet. He took a step back when Mephistopheles stood to his full seven-foot height, his baritone voice echoing off the obsidian walls.

  Semiazas lowered his eyes and bowed. "Such a thing will never happen again, my Lord."

  "Make sure it doesn't, if you don't want to find yourself listening to disco for eternity."

  Never would Semiazas allow that to happen. He would be disgraced. He was the chief demon of fallen angels. How could Mephistopheles suggest such a penalty? "You have my word."

  His job would seem horrible to some, but to him, confiscating souls was far better than what they would become — damned for eternity — or worse still — sentenced to an eternity of disco.

  Mephistopheles sat. He shook his head. "Tell me again how she ended up in my kingdom."

  Semiazas didn't see the point of repeating what he'd already told His Highness numerous times. Mephistopheles was like that. Make an error and he never let it be forgotten. No doubt Semiazas would be reminded of his miscalculation for aeons to come.

  In all of his thousands of years, he had never slipped up. Not once. A demon would think Mephistopheles would cut him some slack. Quite the contrary.

  He cleared his throat. "As per your instructions, Sire, I manipulated the collision between the transit bus and the Volvo, motored by a choir singer. Everything was going very well and just as you predicted, the bus driver avoided ramming into the driver's door of the Volvo by swerving the behemoth vehicle to the right. The fright was too much for his weary heart, however, and he suffered a massive heart attack. His foot went down like a cement block on the accelerator and his head fell forward, stopped only by the steering wheel. The bus, full out, throttled across the service station lot and smashed into the gas pumps. Gas spilled everywhere." Semiazas enhanced the story from the last time. Judging from the look of pleasure on the face of Mephistopheles, he liked those additional details. Semiazas would continue to embellish the story. Anything to make his Lordship happy.

  "The cigarette the bystander was smoking fell from his lips when he saw the bus barreling toward him. One explosion after the other rocked the twilight sky. Women and children shrieked in fright; their screams heard from miles around. I reacted expediently to the pandemonium. Before the vehicle came to a stop, I rushed to the driver's side, reached in and hauled the driver's tax-evading, adulterous ass from the wreckage. I assume this is when Postal attached herself to my back, unbeknownst to me..." Semiazas dipped his head and bowed, waiting shamelessly for His Savior’s forbearance. He smiled when Mephistopheles nodded. "It pleases me that we are in accord, my Lord."

  Mephistopheles steepled his fingers beneath his chin. "But of course. And then what happened?"

  "This is when Postal piggybacked me through the portal."

  "I still don't understand how you didn't feel her weight on your back. The woman is a porker."

  Semiazas had the good sense to hang his head. "It is an enigma to me as well, my Lord."

  Another enigma to Semiazas was that Postal couldn't seem to find her way back through the portal to the land of the living where she belonged. It seemed a simple matter. He had just now shown her how it was done. Why couldn’t she see her way out of Hades? Imagine the fool woman having the audacity to think she went undetected by jumping into Leech's cell. Blasted female. He hoped she wasn't so stupid that she couldn't follow his lead the next time he attempted to free her from Hell.

  Mephistopheles studied the dossier on his desk. "It's too bad she needs to be returned. We could do with a few more black souls like hers."

  Semiazas wondered whether he should be fearful of losing his position as lead enforcer. Maybe Mephistopheles was looking to replace Semiazas with Postal.

  "So you set everything in place, then?" Mephistopheles asked.

  "She knows the way."

  "We shall see." With the remote, Mephistopheles flicked on the monitor at the east portal.

  Together they watched Charlotte charge the rock where Semiazas had entered Hell's realm and together they watched her bounce off the wall like a rubber ball time after time.

  After four attempts, Charlotte sat back on her haunches, breathing heavily and obviously mystified.

  Mephistopheles turned off the monitor and closed his eyes.

  Semiazas could see the storm brewing inside his Lord and was not surprised when he opened his eyes to find them as red as fire.

  "Get that stupid woman out of my kingdom! Now, before I change my mind and have her quartered for a barbecue. Take her by the hand and lead her out, if you must. Go now while I'm still in a cooperative mood." He set the seat of Semiazas' pants on fire.

  Such childish pranks. Semiazas rolled his eyes. Much to his fright, Mephistopheles noticed. He roared, instilling even more fear in Semiazas.

  "Be careful, lad. You do not want to push me."

  "No, master. My humble apology."

  With a flick of his index finger, Mephistopheles set aflame a pool of coal in one corner of the room. When he turned back, he said, "What are you waiting for, demon!"