Tales From a Not-So-Fabulous Life

  I cringed. I couldn’t believe I just said that. I am such a RETARD!!

  Then I watched, spellbound, as Brandon handed me a napkin in what seemed like slow motion. I almost DIED, right there on the spot, when our fingers accidentally TOUCHED…

  …ever so slightly, like a gentle but wild squirrel slurping sweet nectar from one of those dainty purpley flowers in my mother’s garden that my dad accidentally sprayed with weed killer. Our eyes locked and for a split second it was as if we were gazing into the deep, misty cavern of each other’s wounded souls. I will FOREVER remember the words he whispered into my trembling ear:

  “Um…I think you have…something on your face?”

  I blushed and my knees started feeling all wobbly. “Probably my lunch…”

  “Yeah, probably…”

  Unfortunately, our very serious emo convo (which, BTW, means “emotional conversation”) was rudely interrupted by Mr. Snodgrass, our lunchroom monitor. But everyone calls him Mr. Snot and a not-so-nice word.

  He started cleaning up the mess on the floor and lecturing me about my responsibility as a young adult to keep my food on my tray at all times. Brandon rolled his eyes at Mr. Snodgrass in a very chivalrous manner, and then he kind of smiled at me again.

  “I guess I’ll see you in biology.”

  “Yeah…okay. And thanks. You know, for the napkin.”

  “Hey, no prob.”

  “Actually, we have napkins just like this at home.

  My mom got them on sale. At Wal-Mart…”

  “Oh, that’s, um…cool. Well, later.”

  “Sure, see ya, in bio.”

  Then Brandon picked up his backpack and left the cafeteria.

  I just clutched the napkin over my heart and sighed.

  In spite of everything that had just happened, I suddenly felt VERY happy and butterflyish all over.

  But that feeling lasted only about ten seconds, because that’s how long it took me to notice

  MACKENZIE

  She was SO angry, her whole face was all droopy and distorted.

  She actually looked a little SCARY!

  “I hope you’re not STUPID enough to think HE’D like a LOSER like you?” she howled like a banshee.

  But I guess I was still kind of disoriented, because I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was talking about.

  “Um…he, WHO?” I asked.

  That’s when Jessica blurted out, “You are such a KLUTZ. OMG! Look at her! I think she PEED her pants!”

  And then MacKenzie was like, “OMG! You’re right. She did PEE her pants!”

  And both of them started laughing and pointing at me again.

  I just rolled my eyes at them and said, “Yeah right! I spilled MILK on my pants. Don’t you morons know milk when you see it?”

  Then I ran out of the cafeteria and went straight to the nearest girls’ restroom.

  Inside, there were about five girls at the mirror trying out one another’s lip gloss flavors.

  They completely froze and just stared at me in horror with their mouths wide open.

  It was like they had NEVER seen anyone covered from head to foot in spaghetti and cherry jubilee before.

  Some people are so RUDE!

  I kind of staggered back into the hallway like a zombie. But instead of leaving a trail of slimy, rotted flesh, I left a trail of spaghetti, sauce, and cherry jubilee.

  Then I noticed the door of the janitor’s utility closet near the drinking fountain was cracked open a little bit. I peeked inside, and since no one was in there, I snuck in and closed the door.

  I felt so HORRIBLE! That’s when I burst into tears and starting writing in my diary.

  Pretty soon I heard some vaguely familiar voices whispering and snickering outside the door.

  I just knew MacKenzie and her peeps were trying to track me down to harass me some more about peeing my pants.

  “Are you sure she’s in there?”

  “I think so. The spaghetti leads right up to this door and stops. And look, cherry jubilee footprints! She has to be in there.”

  I was like, JUST GREAT!

  At that moment I would have given anything to just DISAPPEAR into thin air.

  Then they actually had the nerve to knock on my door. Well, not exactly my door, but the door to the janitor’s closet.

  I felt like the victim in one of those horror movies where the girl is home alone and hears a knock at the front door.

  And when she goes to open the door, everyone in the audience is yelling, “DON’T OPEN IT! DON’T OPEN IT!”

  But she opens the door anyway because she doesn’t know she’s in a horror movie.

  FRIDAY THE 14TH (MIDNIGHT ON ELK STREET)

  Who’s that knocking?

  Hey, maybe it’s the pizza guy!

  So…you say you’re giving out FREE haircuts?!

  But I was NOT stupid!

  I KNEW I was trapped in a horror flick, so I

  DIDN’T open the door to the janitor’s closet. All of a sudden it got really quiet, and I suspected it was a trick to make me think they had left.

  But I had a feeling in my gut they were still out there.

  “Nikki, are you okay?! We just heard what happened.”

  “Yeah, we wanted to make sure you were all right!”

  That’s when I finally recognized the voices.

  It was CHLOE and ZOEY!!

  Zoey said, “Girl, don’t make me bust this door down, because you know I will do it!”

  That kind of made me laugh, because Zoey has trouble opening her locker. And sometimes even her bottled water.

  I was like, Yeah, right!

  Then Chloe said, “If you’re not going to come out and talk to us, we’re coming IN!”

  The next thing I knew, Chloe and Zoey were poking their heads inside the janitor’s closet and acting all goofy.

  Chloe was snorting and giving me “jazz hands,” and

  Zoey was sticking out her tongue and giving me the “stink eye.”

  They were like…

  “WHAT’S UP, GIRLFRIEND!!”

  For some reason, seeing them made me start crying all over again. Soon, the three of us were just chilling out in the janitor’s closet talking about all the drama with Jessica and MacKenzie.

  But I left out the part about Brandon on purpose, because I was still kind of embarrassed about it. Plus, I was pretty sure he’d pick MacKenzie over me any day. If I were a guy, I sure would. I was so NOT getting my hopes up about Brandon actually liking me.

  Pretty soon the lunch period was almost over. Chloe and Zoey helped scrub most of the food stains off my clothes with paper towels and hand soap right at the big sink.

  There were still some stains we couldn’t get off, though. I couldn’t believe it when Zoey ran to her locker to get me her favorite lucky sweater to wear to cover them up.

  And Chloe said that if I applied an extra amount of her Candy Apple Swirl ultrashiny lip gloss along with her midnight blue eyeliner, everyone (especially the guys) would notice my beautiful luscious lips and dreamy eyes instead of the pee stain…er…I mean, MILK stain on the front of my pants.

  Which, lucky for me, was not that noticeable, since it was starting to dry up.

  In spite of how bad things went at lunch, I definitely feel a lot better now. I guess maybe I don’t hate this school quite as much anymore. But I bet Brandon thinks I’m a

  TOTAL KLUTZ!!

  WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

  I think I’m suffering from Nocellphoneaphobia.

  I know it sounds like some really nasty disease where you’re covered from head to toe with itchy, runny sores, or something hideous like that.

  But it’s actually the irrational fear of NOT having a cell phone.

  The worse thing about Nocellphoneaphobia is that it sometimes causes hallucinations and makes you do insanely STUPID things.

  I think I had an attack of this very debilitating disease on my way home from school today.

  I tho
ught for sure I saw a tiny, cute cell phone thingy that clips around your ear lying on the sidewalk near our mailbox.

  I was like, SWEET!! A FREE cell phone thingy! It’s ALL GOOD!

  But when I took a closer look, it was kind of a bright peachy color.

  I guessed that what I had found was actually a HEARING AID.

  Of course, I was devastated when I finally figured this out, because I was really pumped about having found a free cell phone thingy just lying there on the sidewalk.

  I figured it probably belonged to Mrs. Wallabanger, the little old lady who lives next door.

  I suspected she was hard of hearing because for the past few days, whenever I said “Good morning” to her on my way to school, she would ask me to repeat what I said like seven times.

  She has a scrawny lil’ Yorkie named Creampuff, and she walks him twice a day.

  Creampuff looks like a fuzzy ball of lint on four legs, but he’s as vicious as a Doberman.

  Anyway, I spent five minutes trying to decide whether or not to knock on Mrs. Wallabanger’s door and ask if she had lost her hearing aid. But I figured if she HADN’T, it would be a waste of my time and energy. And if she HAD, it would be an EVEN BIGGER waste of my time and energy. I was right. This is what happened:

  WHAT I SAID

  WHAT SHE SAID

  Hi, Mrs. Wallabanger. I just stopped by to ask if you lost your hearing aid?

  What did you say, missy?

  Your HEARING AID!! Is it lost?

  Eh? Speak up, why don’t cha?

  Did you lose your HEARING AID?!

  Eh? You say, I need to lose my HAIRY LEGS…?!!

  HEARING AID!! HEARING AID!!

  Don’t get fresh with me, you little whippersnapper!! My HAIRY LEGS are NONE of your BEESWAX. GET OFF MY PROPERTY!!

  I was like, “Never mind!” My little chat with Mrs. Wallabanger did NOT go well. So I figured I’d just hold on to her hearing aid for a while. Since she only comes out of her house to walk her dog, what’s the WORST that could happen?!

  “Hey, lady! Be careful! Don’t step in that big pile of…!”

  “Creampuff, dear, is that sound the mating call of the yellow-bellied swamp goose?!”

  “Didn’t you hear me, ma’am? I said, watch out for the WET CEMENT!!”

  Okay, so maybe the WORST that could happen is Mrs. Wallabanger gets run over by a semitruck!

  But could you really say it was MY fault?!

  THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

  Today, my social studies teacher, Mr. Simmons, reminded the class that our project on how recycling can help stop global warming is due on Monday. I didn’t have the slightest idea what I was going to do. I figured I’d just wait until my creative juices started flowing and come up with something the night before, like I always do.

  Anyway, at lunchtime, I saw a group of CCP girls crowded around MacKenzie raving about her brand-new Prada cell phone. And, get this! She had a cell phone thingy clipped on her ear that looked almost identical to the hearing aid I had found.

  Even though I was starting to feel a little guilty about keeping Mrs. Wallabanger’s hearing aid, I suddenly got this fantastically brilliant idea for my social studies project. My project was going to:

  1. encourage recycling to cut down on pollution

  2. help stop global warming by reducing the number of “hot air bags” yakking nonstop on cell phones

  3. boost my popularity at school by making everyone think I owned an expensive new cell phone thingy, just like MacKenzie’s

  I borrowed my dad’s video camera and taped my project.

  HOW TO MAKE A FAUX CELL PHONE THINGY FROM AN OLD HEARING AID (A Social Studies Project by NIKKI MAXWELL)

  Hi, I’m Nikki, and I’m going to show you how to make a faux cell phone thingy from an old hearing aid. The word “faux” is pronounced “pho,” as in “phony.” It’s a French word snobby people use that means “fake” or “knockoff.”

  STEP ONE:

  GATHER YOUR SUPPLIES

  For this project you will need:

  1 hearing aid (recycled, found, or “borrowed”)

  1 paper plate

  1 can of spray paint (black or silver depending on the model you plan to make)

  STEP TWO:

  PAINT YOUR HEARING AID

  Utilizing my very expert and highly creative skills in arts and crafts, I place Mrs. Wallabang—I mean, MY recycled hearing aid on a paper plate.

  Then I carefully spray paint it a shiny, metallic black. Next, I allow the paint to dry for thirty minutes.

  Recycling is a vital step in stopping global warming, as my very fine teacher, Mr. Simmons, has taught our social studies class. [Waves to Mr. Simmons.]

  STEP THREE:

  MAKE UP A SCRIPT FOR YOUR FAUX CALLS

  Even though your phone thingy will look so real it’ll fool your family and friends, you must always keep in mind that it is NOT real. This means you will have to make up faux (phony) things to say while you are wearing it, like:

  1. “Dee-dee-dee! Dee-dee-dee!” (This is your phone ringing. I recommend using a very high-pitched voice for authenticity. Or you can sing or hum your favorite song for a Top 40 ring tone.)

  2. “OMG! I CAN’T believe she actually said that! I’m going to hang up and call (insert the name of your biggest school gossip) right now!”

  3. “I’d really love to give you my cell phone number, but I get SO many calls that my ’rents said I’m not allowed to give it out anymore or they’ll take away my phone. But, if you like, I can put you on my waiting list to receive it…”

  4. “Hello? Hello? Can you hear me now? You’re breaking up! Hello?!”

  5. “#@$%&!! Another dropped call! I HATE having (insert the name of a cruddy cell phone company) as a service provider!”

  6. “Hello, I’d like to order a large pizza with extra (insert favorite pizza toppings) and hold the (insert least favorite pizza toppings). Thanks!”

  7. “SHOOT! This stupid thing isn’t working anymore! Either my battery is low or I need to buy some more minutes. Sorry!” (The very convincing lie you tell when someone asks to borrow your cool phone to make a quick call. REMEMBER, IT’S NOT REAL!)

  STEP FOUR:

  CLIP YOUR FAUX CELL PHONE THINGY ON YOUR EAR AND START TALKING.

  Congratulations!

  Your new faux cell phone thingy is now ready for public use!

  IMPRESS your family and AMAZE your friends.

  But most important, do YOUR part to help STOP global warming by recycling an old hearing aid into a faux cell phone thingy today!

  ***THE END***

  Unfortunately, I had a little complication with step four. After dinner I decided to practice humming my ring tone so I could start receiving faux calls in school tomorrow. I had been wearing my phone for only about five minutes when I felt a mild irritation and burning sensation on my right ear and the area around it.

  However, after ten minutes, it turned into a full-blown rash. A really itchy, irritating one.

  It didn’t take long for me to come to the conclusion that the rash was all my MOM’S fault!

  Why she never bothered to tell me I was highly allergic to shiny, metallic black spray paint, I’ll never know. I mean, she HAD to have known this information. Right? This is the same woman who gave birth to me!

  Lucky for me, my dad still had some antihistamine cream left over from the time he got attacked by those wasps. So I slathered it all over my ear and the side of my face.

  Since I had no further use for Mrs. Wallabanger’s hearing aid, I decided the moral and right thing to do was to return it to her.

  ANONYMOUSLY!

  I placed her hearing aid in a little box with a bow on it and attached a note. Then I put it on her front step, rang her doorbell, and ran away. It’s not like I was scared of her or anything. I just kind of wanted it to be a surprise.

  Later that evening, I saw Mrs. Wallabanger walking her dog and, sure enough, she was wearing her hearing aid and a hu
ge smile.

  If I EVER find another hearing aid on the sidewalk, I’m definitely going to just leave it there. I only hope:

  1. I get a decent grade on my global warming project and