The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

  'That's not correct Seamus."

  "Never you mind what's correct. Your man is a jewel thief, sure he's a jewel thief. And that's that."

  "Sean write down jewel thief."

  The madam of the house stepping forth on the gravel in a long green kimono. Hair pinched close to her head in curlers.

  Arms crossed over her huge breasts. Woolly red slippers on her feet. The garda stepping back and Seamus nodding.

  "Is this your man madam, would you now positively identify him beyond any shadow of doubt as the Mohammedan."

  "Didn't I tell you. The spitting image. Do you believe me now the rapist was loose."

  "It appears to be established fact, madam."

  "Fact is it, heinous rape that's what it is."

  "Did you get that down Sean. And now you, speak up, what have you got to say. Get it down Sean, the rapist remains silent in face of the questions put to him by his interrogators. It is now five five A.M. in the vicinity of Herbert Park.

  The culprit although shivering appears not to speak. At approximately five A.M. we surrounded the accused, closed with him at five one A.M., the culprit was outmanoeuvred and after a brief struggle was overpowered and apprehended at approximately five three A.M. The clothes accused is wearing give the appearance of expensive quality and high class tailoring but it is evident that he has been sleeping rough recently. Search him Milo."

  "He raped me. That's him. Hanging is too good."

  "Will you be quiet madam. We have that fact down already. He'll be charged accordingly and hanged later."

  Balthazar B trousers with muddy patches in the torchlight.

  The pin stripe in my suit has gone wavy. My scarf lost. Best to utter nothing in these circumstances. One could never explain lurking in the rhododendrons. Give a mute grunt in my defence.

  "What's that you're saying. Get that down Milo, accused makes a high pitched noise following questioning. But due to the unidentified nature of the sound, we must surmise its meaning. I think the culprit means Milo he's guilty as charged. He would be off a ship maybe. Youse. You speakum English. Ah just as well he doesn't or he'd be incriminating himself every word out of his mouth. Caught as he is dead to rights. Hold him Milo while I get madam's statement in her own words. Are you right Sean. Now madam what are the facts."

  "I was fast asleep with my husband Jimmy snoring up there in the pink bedroom. I heard something fall. It was the ladder there. Then came a rip at the side of the house. Which I now see to be my washing line."

  ''Sean make a note of exhibit A and B. Go on madam."

  "I gave Jimmy an elbow in the ribs I was so terrified and said there is a Mohammedan in the garden."

  "Ah now madam wait one minute please, you had not yet looked out the window. How did you know it was a Mohammedan."

  "Didn't I read in the Irish Times that they are streaming over the earth in their hordes."

  "Good enough reasoning, madam. Get that Sean, the victim was fully awake to the threat from the East. And what did your husband do."

  "He groaned."

  "Did he make for the window at a later stage after groaning."

  "He did not. He turned over and began snoring again and I was abandoned to the hands of the rapist you see before you. I knew he was foreign. No Irish man would lay hands to a woman and take a liberty."

  "Ah now madam we must confine ourselves to the facts.

  Was there any gesticulation of a moral nature or interference with your person now. I must ask these questions in the line of duty."

  "Didn't I feel the scoundrel's hands around my throat making unwanted heavy breathing advances.' "Get that down Sean. Accused between the times of knocking the ladder over and pulling the clothesline off the side of the house with attendant plaster made a savage advance with menacing interference upon the victim's person. Now madam. What was the manner of the interference. Asked in the line of duty."

  "Never you mind what manner. It was heinous. Isn't that manner enough."

  "Sean's put down manner was heinous in nature. And madam I remind you once again I'm only doing me duty here seeking the facts."

  "Well you'll get none of that kind of facts from me, I'm a respectably married woman and my husband is a business executive of twenty years duration."

  "It was pure and simple rape then."

  "Haven't I been telling you it was rape for the last half hour."

  "Did the accused leave mud from his boots in the house."

  "What do you mean. Are you not trusting me in my testimony. I'll have you degraded in rank. I have a brother a Jesuit and two more are Christian Brothers."

  "I am a Knight of Columbus madam. But all the same isn't one Jesuit worth two of the Christian Brothers so you might as well say you have four brothers all Christian Brothers."

  "This is not a joke."

  "To be sure madam. Milo throw a cover over the accused, sure the poor man is shivering badly now."

  "Shivering is good enough for him. Here I am nearly without a stitch on me. Hang him."

  "Now be quiet madam, if you please. Rape is one thing.

  But inhumanity to man is another. Where did the interference with the person of madam occur and were there attendant obscene grunts or gestures madam, having in mind of course that if the accused voiced an obscenity in an unknown tongue it might not give you immediate offence until it was later translated, am I right, Milo on that point of law if you please.'

  "Right captain."

  "You are making a mockery of the victim of rape you eegit. Sure that needs no translation.' "I am not, madam, making a mockery, what would I want to make a mockery for this time of the morning with it getting on for dawn and God fearing people asleep in their beds. And if you leave us to the legal points, sure you can supply the facts madam. It's as clear as the day I was born that the accused will plead nolo contendere. Am I right on that Milo if you please."

  "Right captain."

  "Thank you Milo. Now to what height of indecency did the interference with you madam extend."

  "You filthy minded cur. I could slap your face. Height is it. Up me you're insinuating is it. I'll have you reported to the superintendent."

  "I resent that madam. And don't you raise your hand to me. You report what you like to whom you like but I'm only doing my duty. Sure your man here on the lawn could be innocent. And you are not forthcoming with the facts. Close the notebook Sean. The time is now five thirteen to the minute."

  "I am behooved."

  "You may be behooved madam, I wouldn't know what you were meaning."

  "I am behooved. The Bishop will hear of this. The lot of you will get your come uppance. Remove yourselves. Go on. Take that rapist with you. Get your big hooves out of my lawn."

  "Ah Milo would you say now we were only behooving."

  "Insults is it. The Bishop will fix your waggon. Jimmy, come down here. Bring the gun."

  "Ah now none of that madam. Being behooved is one thing. But being violent is another. Are you pressing charges concerning the alleged interference with your person."

  "I'll get the likes of you fixed fast. Just wait.'

  Sucking in her breath. Turning her stout build in its own tracks madam of the rape ran back into the house. The sound of her feet pounding up the stairs. Her voice coming out the open window from the lighted bedroom. Her shadow on the ceiling. Down in the damp dark silent greenness the accused mute and numb. The three waiting Garda Schicona staring at the stucco suburban house.

  "Ah Jimmy, Jimmy me dear what did I do to you at all. Speak to me. Speak. O Lord God what have I done at all. Saints I have him kilt. O God what is he doing dying and he's not due for pension yet."

  "I don't like the sound of that one bit Milo. I'd better get up there and investigate. Sure this is beginning to sound more like a war than a Mohammedan loose in Donnybrook. Take the accused and wait for me in the car. Don't panic. If not back in two minutes come in after me.' Balthazar B marched between the two garda. They fell into step one in front and
one behind. Left right, left right over the gravel. Milo first opening the door, giving a salute and bow as Balthazar crouched into the small black vehicle. A rug pulled up over his knees. Milo taking out a packet of Woodbines and putting them to Balthazar. Refuse the nearest.

  "Ah now Sean what do you make of this at all. Sure your woman has done something to your man up there in the bedroom. By the sound of it a blow upon some part of the higher learning delivered with the maximum from behind while the innocent gent was dancing in his sleep with a Hollywood movie star."

  "Ah I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of that one meself."

  "What do you make of your mute man here Sean. He seems decent enough when you get a good look at him in the light. I mean you'd have to put him down as a member of the gentleman classes dressed as he is. Sure that woman's out of her mind, how would this slender dignified gent here rape the likes of her. He'd have more chance strangling the Loch Ness monster. He may be lost on the highway or something. Isn't the Ailesbury road full of embassies with foreign gentlemen dining there of an evening. I think your woman is out of the asylum over beyond if you want my shilling of information."

  "Ah you may be right Milo. You may be right. She'll be giving Seamus the swipe of her tongue in any event. And that tongue of hers is the size of an ironing board. O Jesus what's that."

  "It's Seamus, the poor man is running for his life, with that one after him. Ah God hasn't she got a hurling stick aimed at your man's head. This is an awful night for the Garda Schicona I'm telling you. Jump to now helmets on and give your man some aid."

  "What about the prisoner."

  "He's content enough. Sure he's safer in here than outside be the look of things."

  Milo and Sean jumping from the car. Seamus running from the building. Out of a cloud of pillow feathers the lady of Donnybrook environs emerged swinging a long stick round her head. Seamus ducked and side stepped. Madam's kimono flying open. Heaving rolls of breasts and bellies.

  "Men make back for the car your woman's the maddest thing on three wheels. She has the husband nearly kilt. Quick now."

  The huge bulk of Seamus as he bent to squeeze into the front seat of the car. Two handed blows of the hurling stick raining on his shoulders. Milo slipping in beside him and Sean getting in the back. The slam of car doors. Revving the engine. Backwards towards Dublin.

  "What kind of woman is this at all."

  "Sure let's get the hell out of here and find that out later."

  "Watch it Seamus, watch it, she's coming at the windscreen. Sure God help us we'd need all the Mohammedans we could muster to save us from that one."

  "Eegits. Eegits. Buffoons. Get that rapist out of my life."

  "Sure I think your woman is mental if you ask me."

  "Ah Jesus I'm not asking anything but to get the hell out of here fast. Would you put the accelerator to the floor. She'd hit the pope in the haggis, that one would."

  The vehicle reversing along the curving gravel drive. Sean with the torches shining rearwards out the back window. Your woman in the headlights. Smashing blows on the bonnet with the hurling stick. A palm tree passing calmly. A sign on the gate. Happiness. The little car backing now out on to the road. Back in the shadows madam stands. Her eyes looking wild. Her last gesture suggestive.

  "Now what would your man have married a one like that, would you tell me Seamus."

  "Sure the heart does a lot of strange things. Who knows he might have married her for her beauty. She would have been a stout heifer in her time."

  "Ah now, none of that."

  "Sure praise God there's got to be some kind of amenability between man and woman, as between a bull and heifer, or none of us would be here at all."

  "Your woman back there was verging on the obscenity. It's been a hard enough night. How's your man Sean, is he bearing up. Poor chap. We got there in the nick of time. The likes of her would have killed us all. Try the Gaelic on him Sean."

  "Mise le mas."

  "Sola juvat virtus."

  "Ah that's grand, he's talking, your fearsome woman must have struck him dumb. And isn't he speaking the language of the pope. He's a white Italian gentleman, sure as your foot."

  The light of a grey dawn. The moist air blowing in the open window. The police car passing along a river. Dear me the Dodder was not so far away. Just down those green banks. Over there, walls of a flour mill. These cross roads and they say Ballsbridge.

  "How do you like that Seamus, the woman says she's a member now of the Royal Dublin Society. Why the place would be a wasteland by now if your woman was let loose in there."

  A clanging bell. The sound of the tram. There it is. All lighted and yellow and warm. Squealing on its tracks. Stopping for its little group of passengers. To take peacefully into town. The toy city awakes. As I sit here apprehended by police. Jail bars ahead. Uncle Edouard said, be always handsome witty and brave. To police and lawyers and many others too, my dear boy, make no sound that can be used against you. Try never to teach the world a lesson, for they will forget it within the week. Be honest till the temptation comes to tell the truth. Then dear boy it is time, believe me, to say nothing. Keep your wine cellar cool. The bowel clear. The foreskin clean. Use soap perfumed of the fern.

  Merrion Square. Odd windows lit. Past Lincoln Place. The back lonely gate of Trinity. Down there just a little bit. The Landship moored. I am far too young to start a criminal career. Hold back my voice. Through the wet streets of Dublin. Just some little time more. Kneeling so many years ago. On a carefree carpet of the Palais Royal. When all Dublin and Ireland came as sunshine to me. Through the little green windows of Bella's eyes. Her soft hand touching my face. And Bella you ran from me. On my way here when all I found was rain. Crossing college squares huddled in one's gown. The moisture dripping dropping down. The chill creeping across the floors. Seeping out of walls. I screamed once a dark lonely Sunday in Grafton Street to stop it, stop it. I can't stand more. I prayed in college chapel with others cold and shivering. Singing out against the mortal cold. I hoped that candle light would help. No hell is under Ireland. Of that they're surely right. They say instead, a dark daughter. The country at the end of the earth. The oldest place.

  Of the great

  Long hair

  That hangs

  To cover up

  All shame.

  16

  Past the safe walls and fence of Trinity. A grey stone building. The car stopped. Balthazar B led up the steps shivering. Wrapped in a blanket. Early nosed newsboys asking what's your man's crime. Did he do in his mother.

  A sallow dusty room. Notices tacked to walls and scarred bulletin boards. Hungry shouts from corridors within. A pure voice singing like a bird. And words, would you live on woman's earnings, would you give up work for good. By a fire glowing Balthazar B sat on a worn bench and hung his silky blond head. A cup of tea was brought. And a man who sat away behind a long counter asked over and over in his sundry languages. What's your name.

  "Sure tell us something, you're not to come to any harm.

  Seamus did you try the Dutch with him at all."

  "Wedid.?

  "Ah your man is Urdu or Icelandic."

  "We'll give him the Danish then. God morgen, ja, tak. Ah it's no use. Sure if he was a Dane he'd be feeling right at home."

  "He must speak something."

  "We got the Latin out of him when we tried the Gaelic.

  But Milo just came in with the translation a minute ago. And your man says in the Latin virtue alone assists one."

  "Is that a fact now."

  "That's a fact."

  "Well I wouldn't want to depend upon that one in me wanderings through life, I can tell you. We're sending over to Trinity for a professor of languages."

  Balthazar looking up. One can delay no longer. Time to give an inkling. The police faces turning. Waiting. As Balthazar reaches into his pocket. Withdrawing a notebook and tearing out a piece of paper. And writing. Ich bin Balthazar B. Ich bin ein Student an d
er Trinitas Universitas. Mein Tutor ist Professor Elegant.

  "Ah will you look at that now. That's a relief. It's German. Fd recognise it anywhere. Shouldn't we have known by the blond hair he was from beyond the Rhine. Driven westwards by the war. Thank God we didn't have to use the Serbo Croat. We've your man's fixed address at last."

  "It was the Lettish I was afraid of meself."

  "Go on Milo now. Nip and get your Professor Elegant. We'll clear up this mystery. Not a moment to waste. Your man there looks like catching his death."

  "Right captain. I am this second gone so fast that I am back now and ready to go again."

  The telephone ringing. The sergeant picking it up. Looking out across the dusty sallow walled room. Cigarette burnings on counters and benches. Sergeant's eyes looking from face to face. As he puts the phone back on its hook.

  "That was the raped herself on the phone. She has no marks of violence about her person but she's been on to the newspapers with the story all the same. It's been some night. We have a man back there singing in the cells. He was at the gates of Trinity, making an unholy fuss. Going to fight the whole college. Didn't we get over to him and he was going to fight the lot of us as well. We closed with him. Just a touch of a stick across the backside did he feel and he lay down on the roadway. Wouldn't get up. He was going to take the North by storm. And we had to take him by the arms and legs back here. The lad has a fine singing voice. Sure he could be kicking a gateway in an opera and be getting paid for it."

  The door opening to the smoky room. The early morning sounds of the city. Ding ding. The bells of passing bicycles. Buses pulling away to go out along a southern coast. And in grey herringbone overcoat. Black silk tie against cream silk shirt. His early morning face scrubbed and new. Entered Balthazar B's tutor.

  "Good grief, it's you Mr. B. I'm afraid I thought it some kind of joke."

  "I do apologise sir, I'm most awfully sorry. I haven't said a word. I've just been too terrified and thought it best to pretend I did not speak English."