The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

  "Monsieur perhaps it is not the time to say but you do make me laugh. In bed at night I think about what you have said to me in the park. And I laugh to-sleep."

  "I like you Alphonsine."

  "You know I do like you too. You are very kind. You are too, very beautiful. I should not say that to you."

  "Once you put your fingertip on my nose."

  "Yes when you pinched me where you shouldn't."

  "Tonight I have brought home the onions. Have more wine."

  "I have had too much already."

  Chimes go on the clock. My little note here, to go to the shoe maker to have my shoe tongues adjusted. These carpets fitted. All over this entire house. A shell. To keep alive with my dreams. Beefy where ere do you be. Just when you said service at your club was getting offhand and slack. Your voice so sad, spare and clear. Across clipped grasses. When England was all so new to me. Hear it still in my heart. On this London evening. Go so often to lone sad sheets. Beefy says worry makes you put on the undergarments backwards. End up standing in the gentlemen's convenience scrabbling and tearing in an unseemly fashion to grasp one's particular. And you take out under the sky one more guilt to wear among all the gay faces prancing by in vanity. Clinging by fingernails to districts, not to drop to social oblivion below. Near sighted nearly tripping so that they don't notice one. Never be without a leek or onion, the smell keeps you out of the whirlpool of dispair. Go into middle age along Pall Mall and up St. James. Downhill gliding through still air. Laugh and keep the gall bladder without grief. Explain how sorry you are that you are not good at mixing with people on all levels. Just the topmost Where bargains bring bliss to an Englishman's eyes. But if you're not booked up the whole world is against you. Loneliness makes you look at other people. And they look away. Even faster. In their own loneliness. And Beefy in his long struggle to marry said the beads of sweat freeze on the brow and drop with a metallic clank to roll into a lonely corner of one's coffin room. Will it ever be autumn again. When the yellow leaves fall curled on the deep green grass. Press my lips to the ground of Fermanagh. She lies there.

  "What do you think of, looking so sad."

  "Things."

  "What."

  "O how the geese gather together in the gloomy of St. James Park. The ones who come flying over our heads when we sit in the Dell. But there are others who fly for the night into Buckingham Palace Gardens. They have a pedigree."

  "O you are funny."

  "You have a tache de naissance on the neck Alphonsine."

  "I think your eyes are very busy Monsieur."

  "Come over here."

  "No."

  "Why."

  "I must not. I must go away. Back to Paris. I am not happy to do so when your home is like this now. But it would not be proper to stay."

  "Don't go."

  "I must. It will be goodbye. It is sad too. I have liked it here. Sometimes I feel to go to Paris is like a grave. All the way from Calais looks like graves. The eyes of everyone are like lizards. But then when I am at last in Paris I go speeding in Jacques' car and we are gay."

  "Is Jacques hairy."

  "O la la. Jacques has not a hair. A little of course on the leg. And where he should have hair. On his chest he has a gold cross. With Christ. A tattoo. It looks how do you say, high style."

  "Is he a good driver."

  "Ha. Magnificent. We go so fast like a shot across Paris. Honking his horn. The tires squeal. His car is big, others get quickly out of the way. He is always the master. We will make such a good husband and wife together. We would not be perhaps too rich. We would not have all the things but what does it matter, we would have enough."

  "Is Jacques very strong."

  "O la la. What a question. Strong. How do you say, like the reptile with the constriction. He wrap around and squeeze like so. He makes the shoelace of me."

  "He might squeeze out your life."

  "Ah he leaves just a little so that I will recover."

  "Jacques sounds so musculaire."

  "You are being naughty I think. But of course I tell you many times already he is musculaire. In the bathing costume he is superb. Bump bump bump it go over the stomach."

  "Does he put dressing on his hair."

  "A little perhaps. Otherwise he is so very casual. He likes the tight trouser. Like a glove over the hip. Sometimes he hangs the open shirt outside. When he goes in the evening to the cafe. He say hello hello to all his friends. He laughs. He pushes away the others from the pinball machine who make a low score. He waves away the praise over his shoulder as he makes a high score. He never tilt the machine. He move the hip just so and his shoulder just so and makes the ball go in the skill hole."

  "Does Jacques ever look awful when he gets up in the morning."

  "Never. He is refreshed. Touches the toes, one two, one two. It is so beautiful when he shaves. He pats the toilet water over his face. Women they all turn the head when he goes by. I save all my money to buy my swimming costume and it is very extravagant but that is why. To feel confident and when Jacques looks at me and I feel he is proud. He does not notice then the other women."

  "I had a big car once. Perhaps I could have won a race with Jacques."

  "O never. You would not stand a chance."

  "O dear, have some more brandy. I feel a need of champagne.' "A little. Tiny bit."

  "Why wouldn't I have a chance with Jacques."

  "He drives fast. Wears the sunglasses of course. It is so funny. We come to the stop light. The cars they are there waiting to start. Bumper and bumper like so. They are even, at the line. The drivers they look at each other, like down the nose from the engine to the wheels and they think ah monsieur will be left in the dust. At Jacques, they think, ha not much that car. Ah but Jacques he does not bother to look. He look straight ahead, he know what will happen. His hand is ready to steer, so relaxed like it would hold a cigarette, so bored he is. And his foot is ready on the accelerator. Tap tap it goes with impatience. For he know what is to happen. Inside himself he laughs as they look at him. The lights change, he is so bored, he gives them a second to get away. Then only for a moment he allow himself ah just a tiny smile. He is bored. Completely he is bored. He press the accelerator to the floor. One arm is across the back of the seat holding the cigarette. He give the ash a flick. And zoom we are going. A little smoke rise from the wheels on the street. The others they are thinking with a smile that he has been left standing. Then it is so funny as Jacques comes like a bird, he go by to leave them in the fume. And he puts the cigarette to the lips, he raises the one eyebrow. He sends out the little puff of smoke from the nose. And he is yawning. And that is that. He is of course so absolutely bored with his speed.' "Jacques is a winner. But Alphonsine it is I who bring home the onions. Jacques would be bored being so fast he would not bother.' "Ah yes, you are sweet."

  "But how has Jacques become so formidable."

  "He was born a winner. He works hard. When you are asleep, he has already worked half a day. His father, his brothers, the sister, they too are at work. He has but time for a quick cup of coffee in the morning. When you are only having your bath at eleven, with the pine scent. And you are on the bed till twelve in the towels.7 "You have spied on me."

  "Only a little. You have spied on me through the keyhole.' "Only a little. What would Jacques do if he knew.' "O he would kill you. First like so, to the jaw. Then he would come with the uppercut. He is fast like a cat.' "Ah Alphonsine let us toast my death at the hands of Jacques.' "I have had so much already.' "We both need just a little more I think. Even Christ on the cross on Jacques' chest would join us tonight. But if Jacques were here he might kill me, slowly perhaps."

  "It would not be bad, it would be over at once. But to try to make a fight, ah another thing it would be. It would be an abattoir for you. It makes me laugh to think. You and Jacques. So funny. Snap would go your head. Jacques then would come in with the chop. Chop chop. With the downward motion. Whoops, like a chicken who lose the hea
d. O it would be funny. Like the tiger he would fight. He has machines for the hand to squeeze, in and out like that, one two, one two. To make the hand strong. In his underwear I see him. It is tight. The belly like little mountains."

  "O dear, I am not musculaire."

  "You are distinguished. Jacques is not distinguished. But I have enough distinguishness for the two of us. We do not worry who is your family. Where is your chateau. Who is your uncle. Your tailor. How is your accent. The English they are like parrots. The women squawk. So nervous. They do not get enough love. It is very sad. They go to Italy and they have it up the backside. I do not think that is satisfactory. It make the accent go high. It hurt the arse too. I am high. O la la, what am I saying. I have far too much to drink."

  "Alphonsine may I just say it's good to listen to you."

  "You are so flattering to me. Jacques does not flatter. He commands. Like a matador. But brave like the bull. When he comes and it is time to take me. I lie there on the bed. He is there, only in his brief. I but wait."

  Crackling fire. Snapping of embers and the licking light across the room. Two photographs of Trinity, taken from my window in the square, hanging there against the oak panelling. A rainy day it was then. And wheels go by on a wet street now. Got my onions in before the rain. Pull the drapes closed on the window. Alphonsine sits back on the leather cushioned chair, feet tucked up, shoes off, in her tight grey slacks. Mil-licent said she probably looks like a cow when first she wrote. And I knew she didn't. From her handwriting. Her strokes so light and tentative. A strange little love grew up the moment I saw the way she crossed her t's and made the capital letter I. This blue delicate trembling vein on her ankle. Brought her here with her two large brown leather bags. We hardly talked all the way in the taxi. She spoke English and I answered in French. She wore a man's watch on her wrist. Her eyes were smiling so gleaming and shy. They somehow reach into one's life and touch it gently. I carried her bags up and she said her room was very pretty. At night Millicent put instructions written out and posted on the wall in the kitchen. Under au pair. And others under cook. After Boats left. And I would take them down. But once Alphonsine saw it when she came to make cocoa and blushed all over her cheeks. She could hardly speak and swallowed a lump down her throat. I said to Millicent you are never to do that again. She said why not she's French.

  "You sit so how do you say, dejected. I should not tell you such things. I see what they do on your face. Even though I make a little joke, it is not nice. I suppose I do not tell you what is really the truth. When sometimes on my day off. I walk. I go to the shops. Up the Park Lane down the Oxford Street. And. Yes. I have thought of you often. I would wish I was back with you and the little fellow at the Dell when you come to the park. I would be bored by myself. I would be hungry too. I would be too stingy to have lunch. All the time when I was saving for the swimming costume. I come to a bun shop. Look in the window. I stand next to an old lady. She is hungry too. I count the number of raisins in the bun. To find out which is most. I go in the shop. I ask for that bun. I say no. Not that bun. That bun. I laugh. He mixes up the buns. I say wait, you have lost my bun and I must count all the raisins again."

  "I will make your salary higher, Alphonsine."

  "O no. I could not accept. I did not tell the story for you to say that."

  "Let us have some champagne.' "O I am so light already in the head.' "It clears the palate. Refreshes the spirit."

  "You are funny."

  "I am not Jacques."

  "Now now. You hold what I say against me. You know I have already said now what I shouldn't say. That it is often I think of you. But what good is it to think. You are another woman's husband. I have no right to think like that. It is not good to tell you these things. I have already made such a mistake to be here in your private room like this. But I want to be. So I am. And it is very wrong."

  Balthazar bowed to put his lips briefly touching her hair. And went down the dark cellar stair. Along the cool corridor to the wine vault door. In here among the bins. Find something quite unforgettable in the straw. The two of us left in this house. No reason why for one night it should not be a happy home. I suppose if I were strong enough to lift it, the only defence against Jacques would be a chair. But if I got it up above my head he might punch me in the belly. So hopeless. I'm not even awfully good with sabre or foil. By the sound of him he could also beat me at squash. Only my palate would win. Challenge him to deciphering champagnes.

  Alphonsine taken the tray away. All the other little scraps of paper gone. The cushions fluffed up. Scent of wood smoke. And one day when I went a walk along Brompton Road and entered the Oratory. Where often I go for peace and solitude. It was middle afternoon on a coldish day. A couple came and knelt at the altar. All alone. Then a priest came out. He performed a wedding ceremony. These two people wrapped up with each other's love holding hands. No cheering, singing and hats and rice and champagne. Just a priest's soft voice gently joining them. I thought how sad but then how beautiful. Two people together against all others. And me their only witness who watches. In the empty church. Send them out of my heart some good little wish. When one never believes in miracles. I saw one small one happen. At the moment they were wed. A ray of sunshine came striking down from the church dome and shone upon their heads. To light up their world.

  "I could not drink more."

  "To celebrate."

  "No no. I could not when your wife has gone. And the little fellow too. I would never celebrate such a thing."

  "It's to celebrate my friend's wedding. Beefy."

  "Ah. Le Comte. O la la. Who would marry him, he is such a one. What things he say. How is that funny one, that it is the rich what gets the prunes and it is the poor what gets the shits. I laugh."

  "Your eyes sparkle."

  "Ah you are. Are you not. Making it a bit risky here. But it is nice to feel so good. I like when the light goes on your hair. It is like the electric that one touches. But taboo. I am above Jacques' class. You are above mine. And you are very rich."

  "I am poor."

  "Ha ha, I see how you live, you could not be very poor. Do not think I do not know the champagne we are drinking. It is not for poor people. You do not fool me."

  "I want to kiss you."

  "No."

  "Why."

  "Because it is taboo. Who is he on the wall, clinging to the cliff."

  "That is my Uncle Edouard."

  "He looks nice."

  "Yes he was.' "O something happen to him."

  "Yes. He is in his grave."

  "O I am sorry."

  Balthazar rising from his chair. To step near Alphonsine. Her hair gleaming. She is alive. No grave. She is France. Like all the piers from Calais to Boulogne where men stand and fish. And starfish lie crushed and sun dried along the quays. The towns now lit bright with neon lights. But the fishing boats still come and go. Just as when I was a little boy. The car ferry was moving away. Trawlers coming in from distant seas. And white little sailboats like butterflies, their wind slanted wings out on the grey green water. Fresh blue sweeping across the skies. Each day lay out upon my dreams somewhere near the edges of land and water where the eye could see. Married I was as voices sang. Walked stiffly slowly up the aisle. Needing to take a pee. My afternoon already darkening. My hands are on you. Alphonsine. Takes so little flesh to make a curve. And there's a flat wall of red brick on the corner of Pall Mall and St. James against which one can lean. And with you Alphonsine tune our ears to vespers. Tea with crumpets and gentleman's relish. Jacques takes what he wants. And I must ask. To pardon my ancient expression. And the tremors of trouble bubbling behind the kneecaps. Hard pressed by evil. Snatch delight in these selfish times. Soft to kiss. Take up our memories in the Dell. Hear a Beefy beatitude. Blessed are they who out of a sea of human frailty climb aboard a piece of arse when it floats by.

  "No, I think we must not. Please."

  "Why."

  "It is not that I do not wish to. Bu
t I must stay here no longer. Please. It is very sad but it is so."

  "Alphonsine. Let us sleep in the same bed."

  "What difficult things you ask."

  "Please."

  "You want me. I want you. But why should we be allowed. Everybody passing on the street. They look. They want. But why should they have.' "No one wants you as much as I do. And I may never drink enough again to have the courage to ask you. I know it."

  "I am thinking you are as wicked as you are sweet. You have such a way with you.' "Do I leave Jacques standing in his tracks.' "Ola la. You are bold.' "Watched you through the keyhole."

  "Of course I know you watch me. It was so funny. I move this way and I move that way. I was so naughty. And you are so English to look through the keyhole. I am so embarrassed but I laugh at the same time. As I hang the towel slowly over the hole. It is le Comte Beefy who put you up to it. Both of you outside the door looking. I give you the towel like a curtain at the end of the performance. But Jacques would be jealous. He sometimes say at the end of a letter we are finish, that I have the affair in London. He has his dog. His boat. He says when he wants to make me unhappy that he likes his dog better. And I am only second."

  "You are first with me."

  "I cry a little. I miss the little fellow. I love him so. He has eyes like you. Now it seems so sad. I do not say to you all your wife said to me. I cry too because I do not want to go back to Paris. I would like always to be friends with you. But maybe it is not possible to be friends between a man and a woman. You never see me cry before. But please. Tell me. I want you to tell the truth. When you look through the keyhole. Do you think when you see it, that my bottom is too big."