Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon

take such a vastly massively important decision so lightly?! What are you, some kind of animal?!”

  “No. I’m just an average person, down on their luck. I want some excitement, that’s all.”

  “Ohhhhh, I see. One of those. Well, how much have you got?”

  Jaxxon reached deep into his pocket and produced a handful of yen-creds.

  “Will this do?”

  The small man looked down at what was in Jaxxon’s hands and rifled through the credits suspiciously.

  “Hmm, yes. Just enough. Give those here.”

  The small man snatched up the notes aggressively, then looked up at Jaxxon’s curious face.

  “Now, you want to find out what I have to offer?”

  Jaxxon considered his position. He’d already lost his money, so there was nothing else left to lose. He may as well take the sushi, even if he didn’t actually eat it himself.

  “Yeah, why not?”

  “Why not? There are numerous reasons why not, but I expect that you already know them. You do, don’t you?”

  “Erm, yeah, I suppose so.”

  “So are you ready?”

  “I guess.”

  The small man reached into his pocket and produced a small case, sealed with some kind of cooling system. He typed some numbers into the keypad to unlock it and it hissed open, bathing his face in a cold, turquoise glow.

  “Here,” said the man, reaching in and picking up the sushi with a small pair of what could have been metallic chopsticks or tweezers.

  “With this, you will reach your own personal Nirvana.”

  “Really? How is that possible?”

  “Like I said, the ingredients are extremely rare, and prepared by a master.”

  “A master? Who is that?”

  “Why, me, of course.”

  “But haven’t you ever tasted it yourself?”

  “Oh, oh yes. I’m the one that came back.”

  “Really?! That was you?!”

  “Why would I lie?”

  “What was it like?”

  “Magnificent. Now, do you want to try it?”

  Jaxxon looked down at the death sushi before him. He assumed that he was never going to get another chance at this, so reached forwards, took it up, then slowly brought the food towards his mouth.

  He bit down.

  In front of his eyes, brilliant lights danced. The small man blurred into nothing as a dizzying display of sparkles took over. It was light fireworks on New Year’s Eve, but hundreds of times stronger, the dazzling colours bursting in front of him. He felt pulses beginning deep within his body. This was strange, and not entirely comfortable. This was it then, what he had always been waiting for. The ultimate truth. The lights continued their elaborate neon ballet, symphonic explosions taking place before him as his body began to convulse.

  As soon as the lights had started, they blinked out to darkness.

  Jaxxon stood in a cold, dark room. He could hear drips of disconnected plumbing coming from somewhere nearby. He looked about himself, but could see very little in the semi-darkness.

  “Hello? Is anyone there.”

  The silhouette of the small man appeared before him.

  “So, you’re awake.”

  “Yes. I am. Where am I?”

  “You’re here.”

  “But where’s here?”

  “Your own personal Nirvana. Dark, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. What happens now?”

  “Nothing. That’s it. You ate the death sushi, that’s the end.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. How do you feel?”

  “Kind of short changed, really.”

  “Yes, I bet you do. If you really thought you could reach Nirvana for just two months’ wages, you must live in an alternate reality to everybody else.”

  Somewhere at the side of the enclosed room, a door opened. Jaxxon could hear the sound of the market outside. His eyes began to slowly become clear and make out that he was in a storage room near to where the man had called upon him originally.

  “Go on, get out of here, fool!” yelled the small man. Jaxxon scarpered. The small man chuckled to himself.

  “Hehehe. There’s one born every minute. Hehehehe!”

  - - -

  Steaming Pistons –

  The Chamberpot Crisis

  by Philbert Chicory

  Princess Vitriolica was a prim and proper young popinjay just coming of age, primed for the throne of Great Tribian, which she would attain when her father, King Milliaw IV, promptly passed away. This she was looking forward to a tad too keenly, prepared, as she was, well ahead of her time. She had done plenty of throne-sitting practice and believed that she was more than ready for the job.

  "Oh, I wish he'd just cark it so that I can rule the gaff!" she whinged bitterly to her maids.

  Her mother, Princess Amy Elouise Vitriolica The Duchess of Tenk, along with her close companion and aide Lord Saveloy, had kept the young princess relatively well entertained for the best part of her childhood. They had ensured that she was continually amused and invigorated, and for this, Vitriolica hated them vehemently. Vitriolica had personally appointed a new maid in waiting, Orla Wanshaf, to attend to her as she wished. Orla was a spiteful, critical person, just the sort of cruel bully that Vitriolica would get on with swimmingly (especially when they went swimming, which they did rather often).

  "Come now, Vitriolica dearest! You mustn't be so scornful towards your dear old papa! After all, he has provided you with everything that you've ever asked for, and more besides," advised her mother, considerately.

  "Pah!" spat Vitriolica with venom. "He's a dried up old prune! The sooner he keels over and croaks to let a real leader like me take charge, the better!"

  Rumour had it that Vitriolica had already killed her father's brother Egerog IV so that her father would become the king and then later on she would be the 'legitimate' heir to the throne, but talk of such matters was not the done thing about court. If you were heard suggesting such an eventuality, you'd have your tongue cut out - or worse. Egerog had been loved by the people, rich and poor alike, and his passing had been mourned by many. He had lived a healthy, chivalrous life, improving the conditions of the less well-off, and instigating a set of social justice schemes to society’s general betterment. Vitriolica would have none of this, and swore to replace his hideous system of self-improvement with something far more repressive and insidious.

  The only thing that interested and amused Vitriolica were her clockwork china dolls that she spent hours poring over, building, tweaking and perfecting, and a small pug dog that she kept, named Mopsy. This was one of a long lineage of Mopsies brought over from Yamnerg, who would become well known amongst the citizens of Odnnol in their time, and well after. The dolls themselves were unusual in that they had small, inner workings of cogs and spindles that Vitriolica manipulated to make them perform complicated actions at her bidding. She was adept at getting them to perform intricate dances and harlequinades for her own prurient entertainment, spinning in arabesque whorls and delicate, graceful sweeping movements. It was a splendid sight to behold, but there was still something eerie about them that left one with a chill running through one’s bones after witnessing them in operation.

  As the days paraded by like so many changings of the guards, themselves now partly mechanised through the processes of modern technology, the young princess plotted her route to the very top. She conspired with her lady in waiting, Orla, to do the king in with a particularly elaborate new automated doll that she had created. This doll could walk by itself and operate independently of any form of human control over a great distance, as well as containing a nasty surprise inside. Its internal whirring spools concealed a sharp retractable blade that once revealed spun at a hectic, hazardous rate, slicing and dicing anything that stood in its way, reducing it to mushy smithereens.

  The damnable day to do the dirty deed arrived. Vitriolica wound up the curious killer clockwork doll with her special ornate
key and released it down the nearest hall of the palace, off to meet the king, and in turn for him to meet his doom.

  Shortly afterwards, a royal butler stormed into Vitriolica’s room with the bleak news.

  "It's the king, my lady! He's... gone!"

  "Gone where? For a stroll around the gardens?" replied Vitriolica cynically.

  "No, my lady. I mean to say… he's dead!"

  "Oh dear, what a shame," she casually replied. "It must've been a freak shaving accident. What will the papers say?"

  "I'm sure that they will say anything that you want them to now, ma'am."

  "Quite right. Probably, "A Close Shave!" Ahahahaha! And a good thing too! Well, there’s no reason to be so cut up about it. Ha! Step aside, striplings - Vitriolica's in charge now!"

  - § - § - § - § - § -

  On June 20th 1837 the 18-year-old Vitriolica came to power as the Queen of Great Tribian. She had succeeded her father, and also sinisterly succeeded in getting rid of him.

  The coronation was a magnificent event in every way. Nobody smiled, or smirked, or even cracked a grin. It was deadly serious, as it should be, and those spotted even looking as if they had a cheery disposition were executed forthwith at The Tower.

  Once the queen was installed in her vantage point, it was noted that she must find herself a fitting husband to further her lineage. It emerged that Vitriolica was personally interested in a young man named Trebla, who happened to be her cousin from Yamnerg. The royals liked to keep it in the family, so it appeared. Trebla was known for his cunning, avarice and extreme lust for power; therefore the two would make a rather terrifyingly imperious team. And so it transpired that they arranged a meeting,