This Is Me...

  Oh god, somebody help me. I CAN'T do this anymore!

  CHAPTER 22

  JUNE 10

  Waking, I can't believe what I've been told because I'm still stunned. I'm awake and yet my world is so black with these thoughts and desperation. I hope to god I never live this nightmare. I CAN'T live this nightmare.

  Turning my head, I see Mack waiting silently beside me in a chair. Oh god, I don't want to learn this truth. I don't want to know for sure. I hope they were lying. A lie right now would be the best news EVER.

  Looking at Mack, well, actually kind of staring numbly at him, I just know it's the truth. Holy SHIT! How do I live with this? How do I tell him this? How do I make this go away?

  “Suzanne, you’re going to love this baby.” And so it begins...

  “How did this happen?” Oh, duh. Isn't that the stupid question all men ask with an unexpected pregnancy? Jesus! I'm still a moron.

  Raising an eyebrow at me, I cut him off. “I know how, I just mean HOW? I was protected. It's never happened before. There's never been an accident before. It's never happened to me before. How did this happen?!” God, I sound all manic.

  “Your meds failed? You forgot to take them? You were under stress? Who knows? There could be a multitude of factors, Suzanne.” Shit! This is bad. “Suzanne, once the shock wears off I think you'll be very happy about this.”

  “Um, I really don't think so.”

  “You will, I promise. You're going to be so happy when he or she is born.”

  “No, I won't.”

  Leaning in closer to me, Mack takes my hand. “You will. I know it, Suzanne. When you see this baby, you're going to love it so much that this upset and shock will all be worth it, I promise.”

  “Mack, I really won't.” Shit, he's not hearing me, at all.

  “I really wish you would stop saying that. I know you and I know your capacity to love, and though you don't believe me right now, I promise you're going to love this little life which you and Z created together.”

  Oh, god. He doesn't know my capacity to love if he believes that even for a moment.

  “Suzanne... I need you to listen to me for a minute. Please. I know you, and though this is another shock to you, this baby is going to be amazing for you, AND for Z. You will love this baby-”

  Snap!

  “NO, I WON'T! Don't you get it? I won't love it or like being its mother. I don't want to BE a mother. I don't want his baby. I don't want anyone's baby. I don't want a baby at all. I'll fuck it up, or hurt it, or torture it, or just, like, hate it. I know I will because that's all I know, so that's what I'll do, okay?!” Shit! Breathe.

  “That isn't all you know. You know love and friendship. You know a better life than you had before.”

  “Yeah, I may know it, but I don't feel it, okay? I feel nothing. There is this awful thing in me that I feel nothing for and I know the feelings aren't going to come. I'm not going to feel it.”

  “You will, I promise.” Oh god, he still can't hear me. What do I do?

  Moaning my words, “You're wrong, Mack. I won't ever feel this.”

  “I honestly believe given time you will, Suzanne. By the time this baby gets here you'll be better, and maybe all your feelings will have returned. You'll know pleasure and happiness again, instead of just this sadness and depression. You will feel your baby and you'll love your baby.” Ugh.

  “Fuck! Would you just listen to me? I WON'T feel anything for this kid. NOTHING! I don't feel anything now, and I won't in the future. I want it out. I don't want this- I'm sorry. I'm probably a horrible person, or a bitch, or even evil like my parents, but I WON'T feel anything, I promise. There is NO feeling in me. There is nothing.

  “... Look, I know you don't understand. I know no one will understand. I don't think most women are even capable of understanding what I'm telling you, but I DON'T want this. I really, really don't. Having a baby was never something I wanted. Ever. I'm just not one of those women. And I know everyone will judge me and maybe even hate me, but I can't change that. Most women are thrilled when they find out they're pregnant, I know that. People think it's a blessing, and the most wonderful thing on the planet. But I don’t! I never have! I'm sorry if that makes me bad, or evil, or selfish, and I know I'll be judged by everyone, but I don't want this. I really don't.

  “... Mack, I know who I was trying to be, but I don't feel like her anymore. I just want to wake up for once and not feel like shit. I want to wake up and not BE shit for once. Having a baby is not going to change me, and it's not going to make me feel better, or feel love, or even feel Z anymore. I'm sorry, I know he loves me, and I remember that I love him, and though I know everything, I feel NOTHING!! There is nothing inside me anymore. And there is certainly nothing in me to give to a child.”

  “You love me. I know you feel that.”

  “Yes, I do. I feel you Mack, but not like I remember I did before. I know the way I used to feel about you. I remember the crazy desperation for your friendship and love. I remember holding onto you because you were the only good thing in my life at the time, but I don't feel that way anymore. I know what I felt, but I don't actually feel that anymore. I do love you, again I guess, but it's different. There is a comfort with you, but not a heavy desperate feeling for your love and friendship or an intensity of feeling for you like there was before.”

  “It'll come back Suzanne. It just takes time. Your memory return is new, you WILL feel-”

  “No. I think you're wrong. I think I'm going to live like this, kind of suspended in a memory of hope in the past by all you people in a way that is awful and depressing, and filled with upset and longing because of me. I don't feel what I once felt. I don't feel anything. And having the Kaylas around, or you, or even Z isn't going to change that. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore but that's all I do, because I can't feel anything.”

  “Suzanne, it'll take time. Once you're used to the idea-”

  “No.”

  “Suzanne, just listen to me-”

  “No. No, Mack. Listen to ME. I don't want this baby and I want you to make it go away. I want you to do it as my doctor. I want you to make it stop. I want you to make the appointment, or tell me who I contact to make the appointment. I don’t care but I want this done.

  “... I'm not meant to be a mother. Christ! I'm barely meant to be a person. But I always knew that before. I ALWAYS knew I never wanted to be a mother, I just didn't know why at the time. But I was very clear about motherhood with Marcus. And though he tried for a few years to change my mind, he eventually gave in and agreed to no children between us. I didn't know why I didn't want any then, but I remember now what happened to me as a kid, and I know that's why I don't want a child now.”

  “But you don't have to feel like that. You could change that.”

  “But I won't.”

  “Suzanne, you don't have to be like your parents were.”

  Snorting, “That's all I know Mack.”

  “No, it isn't! You know me and the Kaylas, and especially Z. You know good people now. You now know what it's like to be loved and cared for. We'll help you. We'll help you learn how to be a good parent. You don't have to be like your parents were.”

  “No. You're not listening to me.”

  Abruptly standing, Mack seems so frustrated with me. “I AM listening, but I'm trying to get you to understand that you don't have to be like they were.”

  “But I will be-”

  “NO YOU WON'T! You can choose to not be like them. You can choose to be good, and you can learn how to love a baby, how to love all of us around you. You can choose-”

  “But I won't. And I wish you would listen to me. I wish you would hear me. I won't feel anything, and I can't be what you hope I'll be.”

  “I don't want you to be anyone, Suzanne- Just yourself.” Yeah, right.

  In the silence between us, I'm just desperate for Mack to understand. I wish I had the right words for him. I wish I could get through to him so I had his supp
ort. I wish he would hear me and support me so I wasn't alone with this decision.

  “Mack, I'm not HER anymore. I'm not the woman who woke up last year and remembered. I am NOT her. I'm better and I'm aware of everything I did and went through to be better, but I don't feel anything. I don't feel like her anymore. I am NOT her. This is me...”

  “You'll feel again, I promise. There are some medications we haven't tried yet. There are some cognitive therapies available. There are still things we can do to help you assimilate to your new life. There are choices we can make to help you feel better.”

  “Mack, I'm not going to feel this even if I do start feeling again. I'm sure of it. I know it.”

  “And what if you do start to feel again? What if your feelings and your memories become clearer? What if you emotionally move past this? What if you make a mistake now, a mistake you can never take back? How will you live with the guilt of making a decision now when you aren't yourself fully yet? What if you do this, and you realize it was a mistake afterward? There is NO turning back from that.”

  “Mack… please listen to me. HEAR me. I know this is the truth- I KNOW it! I need you to listen to me. I'm going to say something and I want you to try to be objective. I want you to try to understand what I've said. I want you to stop being a friend and I want you to just be a doctor listening to his patient for a minute. Then I want you to leave my room so we can both think about what I've said. I want you to listen to me. Can you do that? Can you listen to me, and then leave for a little while so we can each absorb what I tell you? Can you, Mack?”

  “Of course, Suzanne. I'll listen and give you some room to breathe,” he says while sitting back down in the chair beside me.

  Waiting for me to speak, he's so calm. He IS waiting and he WILL listen, but sadly I know he'll never understand. He will never agree with me.

  Making eye contact, I speak to him as clearly as possible.

  “I do NOT want this baby. I CAN'T have this baby. I WON'T have this baby. I cannot be a mother to anything. There is not enough good in me to do this.”

  Exhaling, Mack nods his head. “Okay, Suzanne. I've heard you. And I'll leave to think about what you've said before I try to convince you otherwise. I hear you, but I think you're wrong.”

  Nodding again, Mack stands to leave my room and I feel nothing but relief.

  Exhaling, I know I must seem a monster to Mack. I know the Kaylas will be disgusted. I know Z will be devastated and hate me forever, but there is just this- the knowledge of who I was trying to be, but no feeling for her anymore. This is who I am now. This is who I turned out to be.

  “I cannot be a mother to anything. There is not enough good in me,” I whisper to my empty room like a mantra.

  CHAPTER 23

  When Mack returns a few hours later, I know I'm done. There is a pity on his face which must be killing him. I know Mack. I remember Mack. Mack tries to always help me, but with this I don't think he can.

  “Suzanne, you are too far along to end the pregnancy,” he says abruptly. “There is nothing any doctor will medically do to help you terminate this pregnancy because the baby is healthy and well.” God, Mack is all robotic as he speaks. I think he truly hates me this time.

  “I have asked on your behalf within this hospital and I've called many Women's Clinics in the State. I know you don't want to hear this, and I won't tell you all the things I believe to be true of you. I'm sorry, but you ARE pregnant and you have to accept it. You are too far along for a termination, plus Z would fight this legally before anything could be done if you attempt to take this any further.”

  He looks so disgusted, or angry, or maybe hurt by me, I'm not sure. For once I can't tell by Mack's face what he's thinking of me and this scares me the most, I think.

  “Okay,” I finally give in. “Um, how far along am I?”

  “You're in your second trimester. You are 19 weeks based on conception being the night before you're accident on February 15th. You’re due date is November 7, and your baby is strong. Through all the trauma and against all odds, your baby has not only survived, but flourished,” he whispers.

  “Why did you WAIT so long to tell me?!” I suddenly accuse.

  Moving back a step, Mack looks like I hit him. Well, too bad. I feel like hitting him right now. I feel like hitting anyone right now, or maybe hitting something. I don’t know, but I’m really friggin’ annoyed right now.

  “We were waiting for you to become emotionally more stable. It never occurred to me-”

  “It never occurred to you to tell me sooner?! Seriously?!”

  “NO! It never occurred to me or to Z that you would feel this way. We didn't know. I didn't know. What would you have done even if I told you last month? Really, what could you have done?”

  “I would have got rid of it!”

  “Really? When you knew nothing about yourself. You didn't know any of us. You didn't know where your husband was. You knew nothing! But you would have been rational enough to end a pregnancy?”

  “Yes! I would-”

  “Suzanne, you would have done nothing. I wouldn't have allowed it!” What?!

  “You wouldn't have allowed it? Who the hell are you to make decisions about my body when-”

  “I'M YOUR DOCTOR! That's who. And there is NO WAY I would have allowed a patient of mine, under any circumstance to make a decision like that under the circumstances you were in.”

  “Well, thank you. Thank you for making a decision that has screwed me for life!”

  “Suzanne, please... Think about what you're saying. If you had aborted the child earlier without knowing who you were, and you woke up later and remembered your life and it was a mistake- THAT would have been for life. This decision has options the other did not. You have choices-”

  “I have NO choice- you took that away from me when you didn't tell me when I woke up that I was pregnant.”

  “It wasn't like that.”

  “It was exactly like that.”

  “No, it wasn't. I-”

  “I don’t care what you say. I'm sure you and Z, and everybody else is thrilled that I'm stuck, but I'm not, and I never will be. So again, thank you for screwing up my already screwed up life.”

  “Would you just listen to me?”

  “No. I'm done. Talk to the wall. Talk to Z. Talk to anyone but me. I'm not interested and I'm way too pissed to even look at you right now.”

  “Suzanne... I honestly didn't know you felt this way. I couldn't have known. You were in the coma for the first weeks of the pregnancy, so I didn't know-”

  “You didn't know... Well, thanks. Now I'm stuck because it never occurred to you to tell me there was a child GROWING inside me! I'm trapped because it never occurred to you to tell me weeks ago? How could you both do this to me?! How could the PT doctors, and the Neuro-specialists, and the nurses, and every other fucking person I have spoken to in all the weeks since I've been awake NOT tell me? No one thought I should know?!”

  “I'm sorry, but I spoke with all your Doctors, and with everyone involved with your treatment and being your Court Appointed Physician and your friend, I had all the say on what you were and were not told. And it just never occurred to me that this would be a problem for you. A shock definitely, but not a problem. Honestly Suzanne, I just wanted you stronger and emotionally stable before I told you about this. Plus, I thought you knew about the pregnancy but was blocking out the reality of it. I knew Marcus told you before you gained your memory back, and I know you’ve mentioned your weight gain from time to time with the nurses. I know you wondered about the ultrasound and why they were examining your stomach instead of your leg.” What? Shit. Do I remember that? Um… Actually, that’s seems familiar, I think.

  “So I was waiting for you to become more emotionally stable so you could deal with the reality of the pregnancy rather than the unconscious denial of it. I promise you it was never to hurt you or to ‘trap’ you.”

  Watching him closely, Mack seems to become more and
more sad as he confesses to me.

  Whispering to my Mack, “I believe you weren't trying to hurt me but it doesn't change anything, does it? I'm still hurt and I'm still totally trapped.”

  Closing my eyes, I try to breathe deeply. Being hysterical right now isn't going to help with my 'emotional stability' issues. Shit! Lashing out at Mack won't change this situation either, I know that. But I'm just so freaked out I can't help it. What the hell am I going to do?

  Opening my eyes, I really see Mack. God, he looks bad. This isn’t going well for either of us.

  “You look awful, Mack.”

  “I'm sad, Suzanne.” Ugh. Dammit.

  Whispering, “I'm sorry Mack, I-”

  “I'm not sad for me, Suzanne- I'm sad for you. I wish you felt what I feel, and I wish you believed what I believe. I know you. I really do know you. And I know you can do this, but I AM sorry I waited so long to tell you. I thought it was best at the time considering your emotional struggle and instability and with the PTA at the time. As I said, it was never my intention to trap you.”

  Looking at Mack I do believe him. He isn't a bad man and he’s never hurt me before, and really, what difference could the last 4 weeks have made? Nothing really.

  “Oh, god... I'm so scared,” I finally cry.

  “I know. But you have us in your life to help you. And we will.”

  “Z won't. He's gone.”

  “For now. He's just hurt by your words. But he loves you very much. And given time, I'm sure he'll come back if you want him back. Z was so shocked when we found out you were carrying. He was stunned and then minutes later he was ecstatic. You were so lost to us, but unbelievably, there was a child growing in you that was his. Z suddenly felt like there was something good in all the bad we were experiencing with you. He was so excited and happy again, after weeks of just sadness and horror. Z couldn't breathe when you were in the hospital, watching you so physically hurt and so mentally lost to us, but the baby gave him a reason to hold on tighter. He loves you Suzanne, but he's devastated by your reaction to the news. Trust me, once he calms down he'll come back to you.”