Pet Peeve

  They moved on. Soon they saw commotion across a field. A dragon seemed to be chasing down a running man.

  "One hot meal coming up," the parody remarked.

  "The fool should have known to stay on the enchanted path," Hannah said.

  "We've got to help him," Gwenny said, stepping off the path.

  "Wait, Gwenny!" Goody cried. "We can't stop a big dragon! We can't even—" He broke off, unwilling to remind her that she couldn't even outrun it long. And of course he knew she had a tender heart; it was one reason he loved her. So he followed her.

  "Bleep!" Hannah swore. She followed, drawing her sword.

  "Is this diversion necessary?" Roland inquired, following her.

  "Yes," Hannah said. "It's my job to guard Goody until the bird gets placed. I can't stop him from being a fool meanwhile; he's in love."

  "Ah, I comprehend. Shall I balk the dragon?"

  "Sure. That will save me from nicking my sword on its tough scales."

  Roland forged ahead at remarkable velocity, trailing smoke. He intercepted the dragon just as it was about to gobble down the man. "I say, beast: depart."

  The dragon gazed down at him, then smirked. It inhaled, readying a withering (or more correctly, melting) blast of fire.

  Roland stepped in and bashed it on the snout with his iron fist. "Begone, miscreant!"

  The blow clearly had power. It rocked the dragon's head back. Little planets swirled around its snout as its stifled flame shot out its ears. It staggered away, defeated.

  "You saved me!" the man exclaimed. "Thank you, iron man!"

  "You are welcome. I did it at my beloved's request."

  "I am Paine. I come from Camp Pain, where candi dates grow and sling mud. I got so sick of muddy dates! My talent is getting into crises. I fear this would have been my last one, had you not intervened."

  "Would have served you right, nitwit."

  Goody hastily explained about the bird.

  The normal dialogue reestablished itself. "I am Roland, iron-hearted barbarian warrior."

  "Get on the enchanted path," Hannah said. "Before another crisis catches up with you."

  "Oh, I shall," Paine agreed. "But I can't escape the crises. It's my curse."

  "Maybe you should change your name," Goody said. "Such as to Painter. That might change your curse."

  Paine looked at him, astonished. "I never thought of that. I'll try it." He turned to Roland. "Thank you again." He hurried to the path.

  "That was beautiful, Roland," Hannah said, kissing him.

  "Anything for you, my lovely," he replied gallantly.

  "Disgusting," the peeve said. "She's turned hard metal into gunk."

  "It's the way barbarian men are about women," Hannah explained. "They are utter adorable fools."

  Goody exchanged a glance with Gwenny. It was clearly love. Hannah had indeed found her man, in the least likely place. And Gwenny had more than honored her commitment to the robot.

  They returned to the enchanted path. The rescued man was gone, but there was a splatter of bright blue paint on the ground. "Why do I think that changing his name did not entirely change his curse?" Gwenny asked rhetorically.

  They came to an odd tree. It was covered with musical instruments. "A music tree!" Gwenny exclaimed, delighted. "That must be where the curse fiends get their instruments for the music to accompany their plays. I wish I were musical."

  "You govern Goblin Mountain, and you want to be a musician?" Hannah asked.

  "Being chiefess is my business; I inherited that. My dreams are something else. I think Goody is one of them."

  "I don't understand."

  "You dope! She's got a ring in your nose."

  "She means she wanted honest love," Hannah said. "As did I. As does any woman. It's harder for some of us to find than it is for uncomplicated damsels."

  "She means you're a lovesick nobody," the peeve said.

  "I'm not sick," Goody protested.

  "Oh, I don't know," Hannah said teasingly. "Put a thermometer in your mouth and it would jump five degrees when you looked at Gwenny."

  "Don't do that," Gwenny said with mock alarm. "Don't you know those things are spy eyes for the Demon Mercury?"

  "Good point," Hannah agreed. "Better leave them to Mundania, where they don't know any better."

  They were still gazing at the tree. "This violin looks my size," Gwenny said.

  Roland inspected it. There was a faint whirring sound in his head. "That is in my data bank. It is a tic-kit. It sends critics elsewhere."

  "You're so smart," Hannah said, giving him another kiss.

  "Nauseous!"

  "Com Pewter didn't have a barbarian data bank, so he used the standard one," Roland said. "It is filled with useless information."

  "At any rate, it is obviously the instrument for me," Gwenny said. "Since I know nothing about music. The centaurs tried to teach me, but I wasn't very good. The critics would destroy me." She gazed longingly at the little violin.

  "Take it," Goody urged her. "I'll like anything you play."

  "Now that's an attitude I appreciate." She took the violin, which came away readily, with its bow attached. She played a note.

  Goody managed not to wince. She was right: it was an awful note.

  "It requires tuning," Roland said. "May I?"

  Gwenny gave him the violin, and he tightened the strings and returned it. She tried the note again. This time it was melodic. "But that's as far as I go," she said. "I learned only the first note. I can't play a tune."

  "Practice," Hannah advised.

  Gwenny put the violin in her backpack, and they went on. So far they were having no luck in placing the bird. Were they ever going to find a good home for it? Goody was getting a heavy feeling about that.

  They passed a man walking the other way. He paused, glancing at Goody. "You look glum, goblin."

  "And you look stupid, bleephead," the parody said.

  Goody hastily explained about the peeve. "So you see, I am beginning to doubt I can ever find a home for it. That makes it hard to smile."

  "I can make you smile," the man said.

  "Oh, are you looking for a pet bird?"

  "By no means. It's my talent: making folk smile." He focused on Goody.

  Goody smiled so broadly he was afraid his face was stretching out of bounds. But he didn't feel any better.

  "You're so handsome when you smile," Gwenny said, kissing his cheek. Then he felt better.

  They came to a lake. A fin projected from the water as something forged toward them. "A loan shark!" Gwenny said, alarmed.

  Roland's head whirred as he sorted his database. "This is not a shark fin," he said. "It is a doll fin."

  The water creature lifted its nose from the water. "Indeed, I am the smartest of water creatures," it said.

  "The smartest Alec," the peeve said.

  "But I don't believe I have seen a talking green parody or a barbarian robot before."

  "The bird is one of a kind," Goody said.

  "And Roland is the first of his kind," Hannah said. "But maybe not the last."

  "A talking fish and a talking bird," Gwenny said sourly.

  "That is a popular misconception," the water creature said. "I am not a fish."

  "And what's this? A fiddle?" She drew it out.

  Goody was taken aback. This was unlike her.

  Gwenny put the violin to her chin and plied the bow. Lovely music came forth. She played an archaic melody, then paused. "Well, at least it's in tune."

  "Thank you," Roland said.

  "But Gwenny, you can't play a tune," Goody said.

  "That ain't Gwenny, stupe," the parody said.

  Gwenny focused on the bird. "Shut your beak."

  But Goody already had the hint. "Morgan!" he said, horrified.

  "The great light dawns," she said sarcastically. "You denied me Helen, and you inflicted the rattletrap robot on me. Now I shall make you pay."

  "Now I recognize her attitude,"
Hannah said. "Don't let her stay. She's not nice."

  "Thank you for that perceptive analysis, hussy."

  "Gwenny!" Goody said. "That's Morgan le Fay, the Mundane sorceress. She can't control you directly. All she can do is make you think you want to do something. If you know it's not your own wish, you retain control. Don't let her run your body."

  A flash of Gwenny showed. "That explains it! I couldn't understand why I was suddenly so cynical, or how I could play the violin."

  "Neither do you have a magic talent, as I do. But you know you want to do my will," Morgan said. "It's like an itch: you can't rest until you scratch it. You may fight if you choose, but the end is certain."

  "No, it isn't!" Goody said. "You can throw her off, Gwenny, if you try hard enough."

  "But you don't want to try, dear," Morgan said. "Do you?"

  There was a visible internal struggle. Then Gwenny spoke. "I do—do—oh Goody, I no longer want to. I'm so sorry."

  Goody turned to Hannah and Roland in dawning despair. "What can we do? Morgan is inside her."

  Roland's head whirred. "There is a way." He ran forward with surprising speed, picked Gwenny up, and ran up the path with her.

  "Good riddance, harridan!" the parody cried.

  "What's he doing?" Goody asked, newly alarmed. "I don't think he can kiss Morgan away, as he did with you; she knows that's no permanent relationship."

  "I don't know, but I trust him," Hannah said. "I know he loves only me. Gwenny didn't sneeze on his program."

  Then Roland came speeding back without Gwenny. "She is free for the moment, but it may not last."

  "What did you do?" Hannah asked.

  "I moved her rapidly. My data bank says that a spiritual force takes time to fully occupy a living body. If that body moves, the spirit gets left behind, and must reorient. My information does not specify how long reorientation takes."

  "So she'll have to keep moving," Goody said. "But what about when she sleeps?"

  "I can transport her as she sleeps," Roland said. "I do not require sleep myself, though I am satisfied to emulate it if my love desires it."

  "There won't be much desire if you can never stop carrying another woman around," Hannah said, not entirely pleased.

  "I will desist if that is your preference, inamorata."

  "No, keep her moving. But we need to find a better way."

  "Then I should move her again. Perhaps we can ascertain how long reorientation takes." He dashed off.

  "Roland is more useful than I expected," Goody said.

  "He is a barbarian of many qualities. It's amazing what a difference a program makes."

  "And a rod," the parody said, chortling evilly.

  Com Pewter had set up the program. Pewter had a lot of quirky information.

  They proceeded along the path. Soon Roland came back, carrying Gwenny. He set her down before them.

  "She's gone," Gwenny said. "Roland explained about the motion. But I'm nervous that she will find me again. I don't like her notions."

  "I don't like anyone else's notions in you," Goody said.

  "Thank you." She kissed him. "I must move."

  "And they call birds flighty," the parody said.

  Roland picked her up and ran back the way they had come. "Should we follow?" Hannah asked.

  "No. We don't want to be predictable. Let's continue forward, hoping to find some better solution. Roland will surely catch up to us in due course."

  "Good thinking." They moved on.

  Something came bounding toward them, flipping over in air and turning handsprings. It paused before them. It was a man in athletic clothing. "Hello. I am Jim Nastic. I am very acrobatic." He bounded on.

  "I don't want to be unduly critical," Hannah said. "But it seems to me that we're not making much progress on either placing the bird or saving Gwenny from the evil sorceress. I think we need another approach."

  "I agree! But with Gwenny in danger, I can't think straight."

  She nodded. "You have a good mind when you focus it. What about this: we settle down for a while, let Morgan catch up to Gwenny, and persuade her that she doesn't want Gwenny's body. Maybe she'll go away, as she did with me."

  "I can't think well enough right now to know whether that's a good idea."

  "Maybe I can handle it, while you observe and consider. If I can't make her go away, maybe you can."

  Goody shrugged. "I hope you can do it, because I have no confidence that I can."

  She picked him up and kissed him. "You do have ability. You just need that confidence. I'll take it from here, for a while. Meanwhile you try thinking outside the box. You're good at that."

  "Thank you," Goody said faintly.

  They passed another man. "Hello," Hannah said. "We are looking for a home for this disreputable bird."

  "Watch your tongue, minx!"

  The man shook his head. "I'm no good with birds. My talent is making sleeping dogs tell the truth."

  "Isn't that somewhat pointless?"

  "It's better than letting them lie." He walked on.

  "I think I walked into that one," Hannah said.

  "I would have done the same."

  They came to a woman sitting beside the path. "Hello," Hannah said. "Are you interested in adopting a fowl-mouthed bird?"

  "I'm not sure," the woman said. "Hello. I'm Lenora. My talent is making people feel guilty. I'm not sure it works on birds."

  "Nothing works on me, you dowdy chippy."

  "I see what you mean," Lenora said.

  But it was working on Goody. He felt guilty for even asking.

  "I apologize for bothering you," Hannah said. "I shouldn't have."

  "No, that's my talent. You had every right to ask. But you'll feel guilty as long as you're near me."

  Hannah glanced at Goody. "Do you think the Sorceress would be affected?"

  "But Gwenny would be affected too, and she couldn't stay near Lenora all the time."

  "True." Hannah faced the woman. "Thank you for your time. We'll be moving on now."

  "Of course," the woman said sadly. Goody felt so guilty about leaving her.

  The robot zoomed toward them, carrying Gwenny. Hannah flagged him down. "Pause a while," she said. "We have something to try."

  "That's a relief," Gwenny said. She looked somewhat windblown. "Do you have a solution?"

  "Maybe. I want to talk to the Sorceress, while Goody observes and ponders some better way. If I can't do it, maybe he can."

  Gwenny went to him and kissed him. "I have confidence in you. But I don't want to kiss you when Morgan is with me. She would make it seem dirty or calculated."

  "It is calculated, gamine," the parody said.

  "Yes, but it doesn't seem so," Gwenny said with much of a weak smile.

  "When the Sorceress comes," Hannah said, "put up some token resistance, but then let her have her way. Save your strength for when you really need to stop her."

  "I'll try," Gwenny said. "But the way she instills urges—I hate it, but I do start to want it."

  "If my idea doesn't work, Roland can carry you away again. This is just an exploration. With luck it will work."

  They were walking slowly. They came to an intersection of paths. Nearby was a store in the shape of a giant chain link. Another link was connected to it, and another; there were several of them. "A chain store!" Gwenny said, thrilled. "Let's buy a chain."

  They went to the nearest store and bought a chain, using little copper disks that Gwenny had. It seemed that such things were used in stores. The chain was more like a delicate bracelet that she wore with pride.

  "Civilized girls like baubles," Hannah murmured.

  So it seemed.

  They returned to the path and sat on a green bench. Just when Goody started wondering how long it would take for the Sorceress to show up, she did.

  "So you thought you could avoid me," she said. "That was a foolish ploy, running around like that. I'll always catch you; I just need to get another fix on you
r location."

  "We need to talk," Hannah said.

  "Forget it, barbarian beast. You passed up your chance. This is a prettier body, and it should be really fun educating this polite goblin male before I drive him crazy." She advanced on Goody.

  "No!" Gwenny cried. For two and a half moments she resisted, but then the desire of the Sorceress prevailed.

  "Let's discover what you are capable of, little man."

  "You forget I am here," Hannah said.

  "I am not interested in you or your robot. I want to put this goblin through his paces." She focused on Goody as if about to slice meat. "Of course after I wear you out, I will repair to Goblin Mountain and start in on the horny males there. Some may even like SM."

  "SM?" Goody asked, transfixed by her gaze, which was so unlike Gwenny's despite emanating from the same face.

  "Torture, guts, brutality, hurting, bondage—" the parody said.

  "Sado-masochism," Hannah said grimly as Goody recoiled in horror. "Not for you, Goody."

  "Oh, you never can tell," Morgan said. "A little priming can evoke wonders." She took hold of Goody and kissed him, her tongue prying between his lips as her hands stroked his buttocks in the manner Metria's illicit touches did. The weird thing was that he found himself responding to it despite his aversion, and he knew she knew it. Gwenny was a pleasant amateur in this respect; Morgan was a thorough professional.

  Still, he made a show of resistance. "You'll never get me into that."

  "You forget my talent, innocent goblin. It is to turn things on."

  "I don't understand."

  "Such as desire. Like this."

  Suddenly Goody was burning with desire for her. He tried to draw her close, but now she fended him off with momentarily stiff arms. "Only when I choose," she murmured. "You must suffer some pangs first."

  "You don't want that body," Hannah said.

  "This is news to me. It is healthy, pretty, and reasonably young." Now the questing hands expertly groped his front. Goody was eager to take it further, but she was cruelly teasing, not indulging.

  "It is lame," Hannah said.

  Morgan paused. "How so?"

  "It can't run or dance or even walk too long."

  The sorceress went still against Goody as she turned her attention inward. "Oh, bleep!" she swore. "It's true. This body is defective."

  "So you might as well let it go," Hannah said victoriously.