Dance of the Reptiles
Forty-one years ago the agency was formed, and for good reason: Toxins by the ton were being flagrantly pumped into this country’s rivers, bays, and oceans, and blown through smokestacks into the air. People were getting sick and dying only because some companies were too greedy to spend money cleaning up their own mess.
The corporate mentality toward pollution has changed because the alternatives are heavy fines, criminal penalties, and savage publicity. A reminder of why we still need the EPA was last month’s oil spill on the Yellowstone River, which affected ranchers, farmers, fishing guides, and rafting companies. It also occurred seven months after ExxonMobil insisted that its pipeline would never rupture because it was buried too deep.
Of all the reasons government exists, none is more crucial than trying to keep its citizens safe, whether from a terrorist attack, Wall Street’s recklessness, or industrial poisoning.
Not surprisingly, surveys show that most Americans want their children to grow up drinking clean water and breathing clean air. How, then, to explain the radical hostility of Bachmann, Perry, Newt Gingrich, and some of the other Republican candidates?
First, it’s about raising money. The petroleum and coal conglomerates are huge GOP donors, and they’d love to have a president who would gut the EPA.
Second, it’s about politics. To win Republican primaries—the theory goes—a candidate must fire up the Wing-nut Right. The easiest way to do that is to brainlessly bash whatever government does. Perry specializes in this, even though almost half of Texas’s vaunted employment growth has been in the public sector—government jobs, in other words. You won’t hear the governor complain about the $200 billion that U.S. taxpayers pump into his state’s economy annually for military bases and related industries.
One thing to emerge from the Republicans’ attacks on the EPA is the early campaign path of Mitt Romney. Clearly, his strategy is to appear less loony and misinformed than his rivals. Romney says the EPA has an important role; furthermore, he has actually conceded that global warming is a fact. As governor of Massachusetts, Romney expressed interest in a carbon cap-and-trade program and proposed a plan to cut back on greenhouse gas emissions.
Predictably, with the primaries looming, Romney now says he opposes regulating carbon dioxide and other gases linked to climate change. As he and the other GOP candidates begin piling into Florida for the long campaign, pay attention to their rhetoric about the dreaded EPA.
The economy here would crumble if the environment were left unprotected. Florida can’t survive without tourism, and tourism dies when tar balls and rotting fish turn up on the beach. What remains of the long-polluted Everglades would also be doomed without a federal regulatory presence, however cumbersome. Doomed, too, would be South Florida’s chief source of fresh water, upon which business growth depends—not to mention the future of about eight million people.
Yet don’t be surprised if Perry and Bachmann arrive here clinging to the Tea Party narrative that government oversight is inherently evil. They’d like us to kindly forget about that little mishap in the Gulf of Mexico last year, as well as other manmade though preventable disasters.
It’s easier to ignore the past and stick to the script, especially if someone else is writing it.
October 2, 2011
All Aboard Herman Cain Bandwagon
An absolutely true news item: Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, has won the Republican presidential straw poll in Florida.
My fellow Americans,
Welcome to the Herman Cain bandwagon!
All you devoted Tea Party folks know who I am, and know where I stand. Same goes for all the fans of my syndicated column and my commentaries on the FOX Business Network, as well as all the good God-fearing people at the Baptist church where I’m an associate minister.
But the rest of America is probably wondering: Who the heck is this Herman Cain, and how does running a pizza company qualify him to be president of the United States? What makes him so much smarter than Papa John or that super-rich dude who owns Domino’s?
First thing you should know: Herman Cain isn’t just about pizza.
I also worked for Coca-Cola and Pillsbury and supervised a whole bunch of Burger Kings. I’ve served on the board of Nabisco, Whirlpool, and even Reader’s Digest, a solid conservative publication.
Not that I’m trying to downplay all those great years at Godfather’s. Make no mistake: Pizza has been very good to Herman Cain. I can’t think of a better background to prepare a candidate for the formidable and complex challenges of the modern presidency.
Imagine the Mideast, for example, as a large mozzarella pie with an extra-crispy crust. Each slice is loaded with different exotic ingredients, and occasionally, one slice clashes with the others to which it is geographically linked.
Let’s say the pizza slice we call Israel is diced mushrooms and bell peppers. Perhaps Syria is bacon with pineapple chunks. Will there be harsh words and strife? It’s inevitable.
Now, throw in Jordan (ham with kalamata olives) and Egypt (pulled chicken on spinach leaves) and of course Saudi Arabia (artichoke hearts, tomatoes, and ground lamb).
What you have, my fellow Americans, is a recipe for trouble.
Which is why we need a president who has firsthand experience in the delicate balancing and mixing of life’s condiments. Let me say this loud and clear: Herman Cain is a man who can make pineapple chunks work with anything!
Now let’s talk about our struggling economy. Again, you might be wondering how an executive career in food services translates to instant expertise on the global debt crisis, domestic tax policies, or Social Security reform. Don’t forget that I was once chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank in Kansas City. I also single-handedly rescued Godfather’s Pizza from bankruptcy, although I had to shut down more than 120 restaurants and fire a whole bunch of folks.
I don’t deny saying that I’ll turn America around the same way I turned Godfather’s around, but naturally, the left-wing media has twisted this into something snarky. Of course you can’t run the biggest economy in the world exactly the same way you run a pizza company. The secret to Godfather’s resurgence was basic: More topping. The secret to saving America is equally simple: Less topping.
Imagine the federal budget in slices, and what do you see?
Cheese, my fellow Americans, a veritable mudslide of cheese.
Then, on top of all that goo, you’ve got a virtual mountain of pepperoni, jalapeños, prosciutto, capers, eggplant, onions, salami, and anchovies. And where is President Obama? He’s in the kitchen cooking up more marinara sauce, probably with garlic and rosemary!
As you know, the biggest, sloppiest pieces of our budgetary pizza are Social Security, Medicare, and the Pentagon. Herman Cain is the only candidate who isn’t afraid to reach into that hot oven and scrape off all the wasteful toppings until there’s nothing left but the dough.
To those who think I’m a long shot, let me remind you that the same was said about a certain B-list Hollywood actor who became one of our best presidents (and who also liked a slice of deep-dish from time to time).
It’s true that I’ve never held public office. It’s also true that I’ve fumbled my facts a bit when it came to sensitive topics like Palestine or, more recently, the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution.
That’s okay. Herman Cain can take a fair hit.
But I’ve detected even among fellow party members a humoring attitude toward my candidacy. I can’t help but wonder if they’d be treating me the same way if my background wasn’t pizza but, say, calzones.
In any case, thanks to those 986 Republicans who voted for me in Florida’s straw poll, Herman Cain is now a crusty force to be reckoned with.
Bring on the heat.
August 25, 2012
GOP Delegates: Don’t Go Near the Strippers
It’s been widely noted that Tampa is the strip-club capital of America, and this week vigilant media will be scrutinizing arrest reports
in search of Republicans who strayed too far from the convention center (not to mention the party’s puritanical agenda).
Hillsborough County actually has a law that strippers must keep a six-foot distance from patrons, but wanton groping is bound to occur as delegates celebrate the wild and crazy nomination of Mitt Romney.
Hopes that Missouri Congressman Todd Akin would be caught with a naked dancer writhing on his lap have been put on hold. As of this writing, Akin says he won’t come to the convention, a monumental relief to Romney but a disappointment to those who are curious to hear Akin clarify his odd theories of female biology.
Party leaders would rather deal with a Hurricane Isaac than a loose cannon who, with one ill-timed monologue, illuminated the chilling gap between the Republicans’ radical social agenda and mainstream voters. Akin is one of those self-righteous meddlers who oppose abortion even in cases of rape and incest, a view supported by only 17 percent of Americans (according to the latest Washington Post poll) but championed by right-wing Christians. In fact, it’s part of the GOP platform that will be presented to delegates.
What got Akin in trouble with his own party wasn’t his punitive stance against rape victims; it was saying on TV that women’s bodies have a natural way of “shutting down” to prevent pregnancy after a “legitimate rape.” Issue number one is Akin’s boggling stupidity, which Republican leaders never worried about until he opened his mouth and embarrassed them. Issue number two is his destructive insensitivity. Driving away female voters is the last thing the GOP needs before a tight election, and even the bad hairpieces on FOX News are twitching in dismay.
Akin, who is running for the U.S. Senate, has so far refused to drop out of the race, and he continues to stoke the abortion debate. This is what happens when you pander to extremists while trying to sell your party as compassionate and levelheaded—the extremists don’t always shut up when you want them to.
As the Republican delegates this week struggle to stay six feet from the strippers, Romney is trying to put about 600,000 light-years between himself and Todd Akin. However, the presidential nominee has a big problem, and that problem is his running mate, Paul Ryan.
The Wisconsin congressman, another “social conservative,” joined with Akin to cosponsor anti-choice legislation in the House. The bill would ban all abortions “unless the pregnancy is the result of an act of forcible rape or incest.” Last week, during the Akin fiasco, Ryan clammed up when he was asked to explain the term “forcible rape” in relation to other rapes. “Rape is rape,” he said over and over in the tone of a constipated macaw.
Like Akin, Ryan doesn’t really believe rape is rape. He and many anti-abortionists favor a narrow definition of the crime. For example, they think statutory rape involving teens is different and that pregnancies resulting from those acts should not be terminated. The philosophy is pure Akin and Ryan. They want to be in your bedroom, in your doctor’s office, in your church. Forget privacy. Forget personal decisions.
A 14-year-old girl who gets pressured into having sex with her boyfriend must have the baby. Same goes for a wife forced by threat to have sex with a violent husband. Same goes for any woman with a medical condition that makes pregnancy dangerous.
Meet your new Republican Party, hijacked by reactionaries.
Poor Mitt Romney. To placate the Bug-eyed Right, he has flip-flopped on so many issues that he’s got ideological whiplash. He even put Ryan on the ticket to fire up the Tea Party and religious conservatives who are wary of his moderate past and also of his Mormonism.
And what did Mitt get for all his trouble? Ten weeks before the election, the national debate has been diverted away from the sputtering economy to the emotional subject of women’s rights and free choice.
Romney’s mission at the convention is daunting. He must make a speech that shows he’s different from the Akins and Ryans while at the same time sucking up to the rabid factions whose votes he will need in November.
And this pivotal appearance will occur after four days in Tampa, of all places, where the rains of Isaac could chase the party faithful and morally upright into lurid dens of cheap champagne and pole dancers.
Sin and Facebook fame are only six feet away.
October 27, 2012
Not an Easy Makeover for Allen West
After less than two years in Congress, Rep. Allen West has raised $15 million to get himself reelected.
That’s a mountain of money, but you’d need every dime if your job was to make West look like a calm, responsible person. His wack-job ranting hasn’t hurt him among the Tea Party faithful, but it threatens the prospects of the 51-year-old Republican since he switched to a new district that includes Martin and St. Lucie counties and part of Palm Beach.
The task for West’s campaign managers is daunting because he has said so many phenomenally offensive and factually indefensible things. Every time the man opens his mouth there’s a moment of high drama: Please, Al, just stick to the script. We’re begging you.
Back in July, appearing as he does with hungry regularity on FOX News, West likened Social Security disability benefits to “a form of modern, 21st-century slavery.” In one coldhearted breath, the retired army colonel managed to insult 828,000 fellow veterans under the age of 66 who report receiving disability funds from Social Security. These include both active-duty and retired military.
West’s lame effort to mop up his mess occurred the following night (again on FOX) and featured his now standard attack on the liberal media for twisting his words. The recurring migraine for West’s handlers is that his words don’t require any twisting. They just spill out of his head that way, usually in front of a television camera, allowing them to be painfully replayed over and over.
It’s been a gold mine for West’s young Democratic opponent, Patrick Murphy, whose most effective campaign ads are a running montage of West’s indelible sound bites. A favorite is his 2011 speech to a conservative women’s group in which he declared that those who support Planned Parenthood “have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness.” What in the world was West babbling about? Are there mandatory spay clinics for guys?
Who knows what he meant, but it was weirdly fascinating to watch.
He actually went on—and some of this you don’t see in the commercial—to urge his audience “to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient … because if you don’t, then the debt will continue to grow … deficits will continue to grow.”
Oh, now it all makes perfect sense.
Is West insane? That’s a natural question, but the answer is no. He’s just a fringe gasbag who spices his macho act with a little right-wing paranoia.
Still, it’s possible he really believes that American men are being psychologically emasculated by evil birth-control advocates and that this is somehow responsible for the nation’s budget deficit. Likewise, it’s possible West was dead serious when he told a Jensen Beach town hall meeting last April: “I believe there’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democratic Party who are members of the Communist Party. It’s called the Congressional Progressive Caucus.”
This was a stupendously dumb remark in a community where many are old enough to remember Sen. Joe McCarthy. (Among the current House members whose patriotism West attacked is a Lutheran farmer from Maine, that well-known hotbed of sedition.)
You can see the problem facing West’s campaign team, and you can see why it needs at least $15 million. This is not an easy makeover. What do you do with a guy who blogs that voters with Obama bumper stickers are “a threat to the gene pool”? There are many Obama stickers to be seen in the 18th District along Florida’s Treasure Coast, a fact lost on the arrogant West, though not on his pollsters.
Unsurprisingly, most of his money is coming from outside the state. He’s raised about five times more than Murphy, thanks partly to big checks from the PACs of ExxonMobil, Northrup Grumman, Citizens United, and OSI Restaurant Partners, w
hich owns Outback and Carrabba’s. Floridians who buy their groceries at Publix might be interested to learn that the company’s executives apparently have no problem with West’s wild slurs. So far Publix has sent him $12,500, through individuals and PACs.
The question is, will all that be enough?
Can $15 million create in the minds of voters a new, unembarrassing Allen West?
If not, he’ll know who to blame: Planned Parenthood, the secret Communists in Congress, and all those slaves getting disability checks.
September 29, 2012
Billionaire Koch Brothers Try to Buy State’s Court
The new stealth campaign against three Florida Supreme Court justices is being backed by those meddling right-wing billionaires from Wichita, Charles and David Koch.
They couldn’t care less about Florida, but they love to throw their money around.
Last week they uncorked the first of a series of commercials from their political action committee, Americans for Prosperity. The targets are Justices R. Fred Lewis, Barbara Pariente, and Peggy Quince. They were three of the five-vote majority that, in 2010, knocked down a half-baked amendment slapped together by state lawmakers seeking to nullify the federal Affordable Health Care Act.
The Florida Supreme Court upheld lower-court decisions in finding that the proposed amendment contained “misleading and ambiguous language,” the hallmark of practically everything produced by this Legislature. Stoned chimpanzees have a keener grasp of constitutional law.
Conservative groups have gone after local justices before. In Iowa, a place that has nothing but vowels in common with Florida, three state justices were fired by voters after being vilified for ruling against a ban on gay marriage.