One Summer

  To have you help me get back in shape.”

  “Famous last words, boy, because I’m gonna kick your butt.”

  The weeks went by swiftly. And with pain. Much pain.

  The sweat streaming off him during one particularly arduous workout, Jack told Sammy, “I can’t do one more damn push-up. I can’t!”

  “Can’t or won’t? ’Cause that’s all the difference in the world, son.”

  Jack did one more push-up and then another and then a third, until he could no longer feel his arms. Jack had gone on to pump thousands of pounds of weights, run on the treadmill until he couldn’t stand the stink of his own sweat, perform more push-ups until his arms nearly fell off, jump rope until his knees failed.

  He cursed at Sammy, who laughed at him and goaded him into doing more, and more.

  “You call yourself an army ranger? Sam Jr. can work harder than you, and he’s a big, fat baby.”

  And Sammy didn’t just instruct. He got down on the floor and did the exercises with Jack. “If an old man like me can do this, you sure as hell can,” was his usual taunt.

  On and on it went. Sammy screaming in his face and Jack gnashing his teeth, furrowing his brow, and doing one more pull-up, one more push-up, one more mile on the treadmill, one more set of curls, a hundred more pounds on the squat bar. But the thing was, Jack was growing stronger with every rep.

  He talked to his kids every day. They knew he was in rehab. They knew he was getting stronger.

  On one joint Skype session, Jack showed Cory and Jackie his muscles.

  “You’re ripped, Dad,” said Cory.

  “Whipped,” crowed Jackie.

  Later that night he saw Mikki. She hadn’t agreed to do a Skype session with him in a while, but repeated phone calls from him and finally Sammy had convinced her.

  “You look great, Dad,” she said slowly. “You really do.”

  “You look thin,” he replied.

  “Yeah, well, Grandma is watching her weight, which means we all eat like birds.”

  “Cheeseburger’s on me.”

  “When?” she said quickly.

  “Sooner than you think, sweetie. I know I probably should have come out to see you before now. And I miss you more than anything. But… but I want to do this right. When I was in the army and we’d go on patrol, I always analyzed everything that might come up. Some of the other guys liked to wing it. Just turn on the fly. And sometimes in combat you have to do that. But being prepared for everything because you’ve done your homework is the best way to survive, Mikki. I hope you understand. I want to do this right. For all of you.”

  “I get it, Dad.” She added playfully, “And Skype will get you ready for when I go to college and you really miss me.”

  Finally, the day came on a surprisingly warm spring morning. Jack’s bag was packed and he was sitting on his bed when Sammy came into the room. “It’s time.”

  “I know it is,” said Sammy.

  “I couldn’t have done this without you.”

  “Sure you could, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun.”

  While his discharge papers were being finalized, Jack sat in a chair outside the rehab office. The months had been a blur. He drew a long, measured breath, trying to collect his thoughts. He looked out the window, where winter had passed and spring had arrived. Crocuses were pushing through the earth and trees were starting to bud out. The world is waking up from a long winter’s nap, and so am I. He opened his duffel and pulled out an envelope with the number two on it. He slid out the letter.

  Dear Lizzie,

  Christmas will be here in five days, and I promise that I will make it. I’ve never broken a promise to you, and I never will. It’s hard to say good-bye, but sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to. Jackie came to see me a little while ago, and we talked. Well, he talked in Jackie language and I listened. I like to listen to him because I know one day very soon I won’t be able to. He’s growing up so fast, and I know he probably won’t remember his dad, but I know I will live on in your memories. Tell him his dad loved him and wanted the best for him. And I wish I could have thrown the football to him and watched him play baseball. I know he will have a great life.

  Cory is a special little boy. He has your sensitivity, your compassion. I know what’s happening to me is probably affecting him the most of all the kids. He came and got into bed with me last night. He asked me if it hurt very much. I told him it didn’t. He told me to say hello to God when I saw him. And I promised that I would.

  And Mikki.

  At this point Jack’s hand trembled a bit. He remembered stopping at this point too as he was writing the letter. There was an old teardrop that had made the ink blotch. He started to read again.

  Mikki is the most complicated of all. Not a little girl anymore but not yet an adult either. She is a good kid, though I know you’ve had your moments with her. She is smart and caring and she loves her brothers. She loves you, though she sometimes doesn’t like to show it. My greatest regret with my daughter is letting her grow away from me. It was my fault, not hers. I see that clearly now. I only wish I had seen it that clearly while I still had a chance to do something about it. After I’m gone, please tell her the first time I ever saw her, when I got back from Afghanistan and was still in uniform, there was no prouder father who ever lived. Looking down at her tiny face, I felt the purest joy a human could possibly feel. And I wanted to protect her and never let anything bad ever happen to her. Life doesn’t work that way, of course. But tell her that her dad was her biggest fan. And that whatever she does in life, I will always be her biggest fan.

  Love,

  Jack

  14

  After being discharged, Jack rode with Sammy to his house. Along the way, he asked his friend to pass by his old home. Jack was surprised to see his pickup truck in the carport.

  Sammy explained, “Went with the house sale, so I heard.”

  “Bonnie and the Realtor handled all that. Is that my tool bin in the back?”

  “Yep. Guess that went too. All happened pretty fast.” He eyed Jack. “Knew you’d beat that damn thing. Still got the tickets to Disney World?”

  “Yeah,” said Jack, staring glumly out the window.

  Five of them.

  Later, Jack drove to his bank. They had kept the account open to pay for expenses. It had a few thousand dollars left in it. That was a starting point. He had his wallet, and his credit cards were still valid. Driver’s license was still good. Contractor’s license intact. He drove to his old house and offered the owner eight hundred bucks on the spot for the truck and tools. After some negotiation back and forth, he got them for eight-fifty, the owner apparently glad to get the heap out of his driveway. Jack raced to the bank and got a cashier’s check; the title was signed over, and he drove off in his old ride the same day.

  He called the kids and told them he was out of rehab and getting a place for them all to live in. He next talked to Bonnie and explained things to her.

  “That’s wonderful, Jack,” she’d said. But her words rang hollow. She asked him what his next step would be.

  “Like I said, getting my family back. I’ll be coming out there really soon.”

  “Do you think that’s wise?”

  “Bonnie, I’m their father. They belong with me.”

  That night he treated Sammy to dinner. While Sammy had a medium-rare burger, fries, and black coffee, Jack made three trips to the salad bar before settling down to devour his heaping plate of surf and turf.

  “So what’s the plan, chief?”

  “Get my kids back pronto. But I need a place for us to stay.”

  “You’re welcome to stay at my place, long as you want.”

  Sammy’s place had one bedroom and a bathroom attached to the back with only an outside entrance; Sammy’s massive Harley was parked in what he referred to as “the parlor.” Besides that, his “puppy,” Sam Jr., had the bulk of a Honda.

  “That’s fine f
or me, but with three kids, I’ll need something a little bigger.”

  Late that night he slowly pulled his truck down the narrow roads of the cemetery. He’d been here only once, on a bitterly cold day, the ground flash-wrapped in ice and snow. And yet even though he’d been sick, he’d memorized every detail of the place. He could never forget where his wife was buried any more than he could ever fail to recall his own name.

  He walked between the plots until he reached hers, represented by a simple bronze plate in the grass. He knelt down, brushed a couple of dead leaves off it. There was a skinny metal vase bolted to the plate where one could put flowers. There were roses in there, but they were brown. Jack cleaned them all out and placed in the vase a bunch of fresh flowers he’d brought with him. He sat down on his haunches and read the writing on the plate.

  “Elizabeth ‘Lizzie’ Armstrong, loving wife, mother, and daughter. You will always be missed. You will always be loved.”

  He traced the letters with his fingers, even as his eyes filled with tears.

  “I’m going to get the kids, Lizzie. I’m going to bring them home, and we’re going to be a family again.” He choked back a sob and tried to ignore the dull pain in his chest. “I wish you could be here with me, Lizzie. More than anything I wish that. But you were there for me in the hospital when I needed you. And I promise I will take good care of the children. I will make them proud. And I will raise them right. Just like you did.”

  The words finally failed him, and he lay down in the soft grass and wept. He finally became so exhausted, he fell asleep. When he woke he didn’t know where he was for a few seconds, before he looked over and saw the grave. The dawn was breaking, the air chilly. As he looked overhead, he could see flocks of birds arriving for the start of spring.

  Jack’s clothes were damp from the dew. He coughed to clear his throat. His eyes and face were raw. In the distance he could hear the sounds of early morning traffic on the roads that fronted the cemetery. He walked silently back to his truck and drove off without the one person he needed more than anyone else.

  15

  One day later, Jack found it, a house owned by an elderly couple who had moved to an assisted-living facility. They couldn’t sell their home because it needed a lot of repairs. And with dozens of homes in default on their street, it was difficult to sell anyway. Jack called the Realtor and offered his labor for free to fix up the place in exchange for staying there at no cost. Since the couple wasn’t making any money off the house anyway, they quickly agreed. It wasn’t perfect, but he didn’t need perfect. He just needed his kids under the same roof as him. Jack moved his few possessions in the next day, after signing a one-page agreement. He made some quick cosmetic changes and bought some secondhand furniture.

  Now it was time.

  Using his credit card, he booked his plane tickets, packed his bag, and left for the airport. He went to collect Mikki first, because he knew if he went to the sisters’ homes first, they would be on the phone to their mother before he’d even left their driveways.

  He landed in Phoenix, rented a car, and drove to Tempe. He reached Fred and Bonnie’s house but then drove past it. He parked a little down from the house and waited. An hour later a car pulled into the driveway, and Fred and Mikki got out. She was carrying her schoolbag. His heart ached when he saw her. She’d grown even taller, Jack noted, and her face had changed too. She was wearing a school uniform, white polo shirt and checked skirt. Her hair was in a ponytail and had nary a strand of pink or purple in it. She looked utterly miserable.

  They went into the house. Jack parked in their driveway, took a deep breath, climbed out of the car, and walked up to the door.

  “Dad?”

  Mikki stared at him openmouthed. When he held out his arms for a hug, she tentatively reached out to him. He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

  “Dad, is it really you?”

  “It’s me, sweetie. It’s really me.”

  Bonnie and Fred came around the corner, saw him, and stopped.

  “Jack?” said Fred. “My God.”

  Bonnie just stood there, disbelief on her features.

  Jack moved into the house with Mikki. He held out his hand, and Fred shook it. He looked at Bonnie. She still seemed in a daze.

  “My God,” she said, echoing her husband’s words. “It’s true. It’s really true. Even with all the phone calls and seeing you on that computer. It’s not the same.”

  “What is all the commotion?” Cecilia came into the room, skimming along on her walker, her oxygen line trailing behind her. When she saw Jack, she didn’t freeze like Fred and Bonnie had done.

  She cackled. “I knew it.” She came forward as fast as she could and gave him a prolonged squeeze. “I knew it, Jack, honey,” she said again, staring up at him and blinking back tears of joy.

  They all sat at the kitchen table sipping glasses of iced tea. Jack eyed Bonnie. “Docs gave me a clean bill of health.”

  Bonnie just kept shaking her head, but Fred clapped him on the shoulder. “Jack, we’re so happy for you, son.”

  Later, when they were alone, Bonnie asked, “How long will you be staying?”

  “From here I’m heading to LA and then on to Portland.”

  “To see the kids?”

  “No, to take them back with me, Bonnie. I’ve already told Mikki to start packing her things.”

  “But the school year will be done in less than two months.”

  “She can go to school in Cleveland as easily as she can here.”

  “But the house was sold.”

  “I’m renting another one.”

  “How will you support them?”

  “I’ve started my business back up.”

  “Okay, but who will watch them when you’re working?”

  “Mikki and Cory are in school the whole day. And they’re old enough now to come home and be okay by themselves for a few hours. Jackie will be in extended day care. And if unexpected things come up, we’ll deal with them. Just like every other family does.”

  Bonnie pursed her lips. “Michelle has settled into her new life here.”

  Jack said nothing about how miserable the girl had been here. He simply said, “I don’t think she’ll mind.”

  “You could have called before you came.”

  “Yeah, I could have. And maybe I should have. But I don’t see what harm it did.”

  “What harm? You just expect us to give her back to you, with no notice, no preparation? After all we’ve done.”

  “I’ve been in constant contact over the last few months. I kept you updated on my progress. Hell, you’ve seen me on the computer getting better. And I told you I would be coming to take the kids back. Soon. So this shouldn’t come as a shock to you. And it’s not like you’re never going to see them again.” He paused, and his tone changed. “Even though you did leave me by myself.”

  “You said it was all right. You told us to do it. And we thought you were dying.”

  “Come on, Bonnie, what else could I tell you under the circumstances? But for the record, dying alone is a real bitch.”

  As soon as Jack finished speaking, he regretted it. Bonnie stood, her face red with anger. “Don’t you dare talk to me about dying alone. My Lizzie is lying dead and buried. There was no one with her at the end. No one! Certainly not you.”

  Jack eyed her. “Why don’t you just say it, Bonnie, because I know you want to.”

  “You should be dead, not her.” Bonnie seemed stunned by her own words. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Her face flushed. “I’m very sorry.”

  “I would give my life to have Lizzie back. But I can’t. I’ve got three kids who need me. Nothing takes priority over that. I hope you can understand.”

  “What I understand is that you’re taking your children from a safe, healthy environment into something totally unknown.”