Godscam

me.

  PETER

  She didn’t question you?

  CHRIS

  Superficially. Not fundamentally. Her objections are all along the line of Harry’s course.

  (Mimicks Sally’s voice)

  Can you prove your divinity? Other people don’t think you are God. You don’t look like I would expect.

  (Returns to his own voice)

  Just a bunch of simple objections. No serious argument. No real challenges. She let me get away with any kind of logical error I threw at her. Tautologies. Presupposing the conclusion. Non-sequitors. Ad homonim attacks. False dichotomies. It was like shooting fish in a barrel. She believes in God based on faith alone so she has no way to reject my bald statement that I am God.

  PETER

  (wanting to believe)

  I can’t believe that she’s going to buy your bullshit.

  CHRIS

  (absolutely certain)

  Oh, yes she is. Because when you put all my bullshit aside, she’s just plain gullible. She’s bought the whole God thing, hook, line, and sinker. I mean, look at her. She gets herself dressed up in this fake soldier uniform and sits out in the mall in front of a can begging for money for no reason except that someone told her that God wants her to.

  PETER

  (more thoughtfully)

  Someone important to her. Someone in a position of authority. Someone that she trusts. Not you.

  CHRIS

  Me, now. As of this afternoon, I’m God. There is no one else who is more important to her than me. No one has more authority than God.

  PETER

  That’s another tautology. More circular reasoning.

  CHRIS

  Never underestimate the power of a tautology on a weak mind. You wait and see. Once she has accustomed herself to the idea that I am God, she will believe and she will obey. I have made myself He who must be obeyed.

  PETER

  Whoa. You think that she’s going to have to start doing whatever you tell her? Just because you said that you’re God?

  CHRIS

  That’s the obvious conclusion, isn’t it? I mean, someone’s got her jumping though hoops. Why shouldn’t I be the one doing it? From now on, I’ll be the one pulling her strings and making her dance.

  PETER

  (Leering)

  So what kind of hoops do you have in mind for her? Is she hot?

  CHRIS

  (pretending to be casual)

  All you can tell from that uniform is a nice face and great legs. At least from the knees down. But that was enough to catch my attention.

  PETER

  So it wasn’t her smugness that caught your eye. It was her legs. And that’s what got your goat. You knew that those legs were out of your reach.

  CHRIS

  But they’re not out of the reach of God. The hand of God is everywhere.

  PETER

  You think your hand is going to follow those legs all the way up to heaven?

  CHRIS

  If she thinks that I’m her Lord God Almighty, how could she refuse me anything?

  PETER

  Yeah, well, that’s your fantasy. I’m going to have to see that before I believe it.

  CHRIS

  Ok. I’ll show you.

  PETER

  When?

  CHRIS

  Tomorrow. At the mall. You come and watch and learn, young master.

  PETER

  (almost drooling)

  I can hardly wait.

  CHRIS

  If you’re going to come, you have to stay back out of sight. Don’t expect me to be introducing you as the Archangel Michael or anything. I’m not going to let you spoil this sweet setup.

  PETER

  Don’t worry. I don’t want no angel wings. I’ll just be a fly on the wall.

  CHRIS

  See you there, then.

  (The lights fade out)

  Scene Three:

  SETTING: A spartan chamber, devoid of the music posters, high school trophies, or other paraphernalia that one might expect to find in a twenty-one year old girl’s room.

  AT RISE: Sally and her friend, Judy, are standing in her room. Sally is still wearing her uniform. Judy is wearing a demure blouse and skirt.

  JUDY

  (Shocked)

  He said what?

  SALLY

  (trying to sound casual)

  He said that he was God.

  JUDY

  (emphatic)

  He’s a lunatic.

  SALLY

  He wasn’t acting crazy.

  JUDY

  He told you that he was God. That’s crazy. Lunatic asylum crazy. The men in white coats are looking for him, I’m sure.

  SALLY

  I’m not so sure about that.

  JUDY

  Well, I’m sure enough for both of us. The world is full of crazy people who think that they’re some kind of God. He’s just one more face in the crowd.

  SALLY

  But everything that he said was logical.

  JUDY

  He said he was God. That’s not logical.

  SALLY

  Yes, it is. There is a God, right?

  JUDY

  Yeah. In heaven. Not in Parkway Plaza. Du-uh.

  SALLY

  Why not in Parkway Plaza?

  JUDY

  Because if God came back to earth, he’d be out curing cancer or making world peace or something. Not hanging around the mall. God doesn’t go Christmas shopping. I mean, it’s his birthday, right? You don’t shop for presents for your own birthday, do you?

  SALLY

  He wasn’t shopping. He was talking to me.

  JUDY

  Yeah, right. God decided to come down to heaven because he got tired of talking to the angels. So instead of stopping in to see the Pope and straighten him out, He decided to come to the mall and talk to little Sally Johnson because He saw that she was getting bored sitting on her stool collecting Christmas donations.

  SALLY

  (defensive)

  He could have.

  JUDY

  Why you?

  SALLY

  Because I asked him to.

  JUDY

  (suddenly concerned)

  You asked him to? You’ve talked to him before? Is this nut stalking you?

  SALLY

  No. I mean I asked him in my prayers. I’ve been praying for help. He knew that I had been praying for help, so he must have heard my prayers. He must be God.

  JUDY

  Everyone prays for help. That’s a no-brainer, kid. Look, Sally. God came to earth once. That was Jesus. The next time will be the second coming and that will be a big deal. The end of the earth and all. You won’t be confusing it with some lunatic in a shopping mall.

  SALLY

  This isn’t the second coming.

  JUDY

  It sure isn’t.

  SALLY

  But it’s still God’s work. On Sundays God speaks through Reverend Bob up in the pulpit, right?

  JUDY

  (dubious. She can see where this is leading)

  Ye-ah?

  SALLY

  So today he was speaking to me through this man in the mall.

  JUDY

  (in the same voice)

  No-oo.

  SALLY

  Why not?

  JUDY

  Because Reverend Bob is an ordained minister. God calls people to be ministers so he can speak through them. This lunatic is not a minister and he is not God. Period. Stop trying to convince yourself that he is.

  SALLY

  I’m not convinced that he is. But I can’t say that he isn’t, either.

  JUDY

  Sure you can. Just say, “This lunatic is not God.” Go ahead, say it.

  SALLY

  No, I can’t. What if I’m wrong? What if I say that he’s not God when he really is? Then I’ll be damned for my lack of faith.

  JUDY

  Well, what if he isn’
t God and you say that he is. That’s heresy and you’ll burn in a hotter part hell for sure. Believing in the wrong thing is definitely a bigger sin than not believing hard enough in the right thing.

  SALLY

  But this is a chance to talk to God. Face-to-face. I can’t pass that up.

  JUDY

  This is a chance to talk to a crazy person face-to-face. You better pass that up.

  SALLY

  I’m going to have to find out for sure.

  JUDY

  How?

  SALLY

  I’m going back to the mall tomorrow and meet him again. See what he says this time.

  JUDY

  Then you’re as crazy as he is. You could get hurt. He could be dangerous.

  SALLY

  He’s not going to attack me.

  JUDY

  How do you know that?

  SALLY

  He’s… He just doesn’t seem like a violent crazy. That’s all. He’s just a talker. He doesn’t rant or rave. He makes sense.

  JUDY

  So you think that he’s just a talking crazy, not a dangerous crazy. You think that talking can’t hurt you? I got news for you, Sally. Talk is the most dangerous thing in the world. Satan talked Eve right out of the Garden of Eden.

  Sally

  He’s not Satan. He’s not tempting me to sin.

  Judy

  No, he’s not Satan and he’s not God, either. He’s nobody important. He’s just a lunatic. A nut job. A crazy man.

  SALLY

  I don’t think that he’s crazy at all. Not the way you mean it.

  JUDY

  You can’t really be thinking that he is God. Not for real.

  SALLY

  I don’t know.

  JUDY

  Don’t go back to the mall.

  SALLY

  I’m going back tomorrow to meet him.

  JUDY

  Then I’m coming with you.

  SALLY

  What about youth group?

  JUDY

  What about youth group?

  SALLY

  You’ll miss it if you go to the mall with me.

  JUDY

  If you can blow off youth group to go to the mall, then so can I.

  SALLY

  Ok. But you have to pretend that you aren’t with me. I want to look like I’m there alone.

  JUDY

  Don’t worry. I won’t want to be seen with you. It’s already hard enough to get a date around this place. It would be completely impossible if all the guys think that you’re one of the nuts in the loony bin.

  (The lights fade out)

  Scene Four:

  SETTING: The mall.

  AT RISE: Sally is waiting. She is wearing her uniform and sitting in her chair by her pot, but is not actively soliciting donations. There is an empty chair beside her. We see Peter and Judy arrive independently and take seats at some distance from Sally, and far apart from each other. Sally slyly acknowledges Judy’s arrival with a subtle nod of her head. After a minute,