Godscam

Sally and Judy arrive together; Chris and Peter, separately. All are dressed as before.

  SALLY

  (to Chris, brimming with excitement)

  You’re fantastic. You said that you wouldn’t show me any miracles, but you did.

  CHRIS

  (frowning)

  What are you talking about? What miracle?

  SALLY

  Two miracles. Sophie and Gerry.

  CHRIS

  (sounds tired)

  I don’t know what you are talking about.

  SALLY

  (talking quickly, thrilled)

  You said that I should tell Gerry to change his major to art history. I did. He did. Or at least, he told his parents that he was going to. But they changed. That was the miracle.

  CHRIS

  Wait a minute. Give this to me a little more slowly. He told his parents that he was going to change his major. Ok. Then, what did his parents say?

  SALLY

  They said that he should drop out rather than wasting their money on a useless degree.

  CHRIS

  And then?

  SALLY

  And then he said that it was no more useless than any other degree. And they said it was; that art history wasn’t as useful as physics. That was his old major, physics. And he said that physics was useless, too. He said that he would be just as unlikely to get a job with a B. A. in physics as in art history, so it didn’t matter if he changed his major to something that he liked better. And then they had a big fight and they kept telling him to drop out and he kept telling them that he didn’t want to. Finally he said that really, he wanted to major in economics because he likes that better than physics. And they said that economics was better than art history. So he’s not going to drop out after all; he’s going to study economics. You gave him the perfect advice. It was brilliant.

  CHRIS

  You’ve got to be kidding.

  SALLY

  No. And Sophie… That was even more brilliant.

  CHRIS

  (shaking his head)

  I’m afraid to ask.

  SALLY

  She went to the folklore store to ask about how to build a… a whachamacallit…a dulcimer… and this really cool guy started telling her all about them and before you know it, he’s helping her build it and they’re falling in love. He lives on a farm out in the hills somewhere and grows his own stuff. She thinks he’s so cool. She’s forgotten all about her old boyfriend. Oh, and she had her period, so she’s not pregnant after all. But she doesn’t even care about that because this new guy is so cool, he’d stay with her even if she were pregnant. Now she’s all happy again. You’re totally brilliant. You made two miracles.

  CHRIS

  No. I didn’t make any miracles.

  SALLY

  Yes, you did.

  CHRIS

  No, I didn’t. Listen to me. I didn’t tell you those things because I thought they would solve anyone’s problems. I just told you those things because I had to tell you something and those were the only things that I could think of when you put me on the spot. They were nothing.

  SALLY

  They were something. Something divine. They were God’s words. God’s miracles. The miracles that I asked for.

  CHRIS

  They weren’t miracles. They were just blind luck. A coincidence.

  SALLY

  (smiling)

  The first time you came here, you told me that unbelievers always call miracles coincidences. Those were God’s words.

  CHRIS

  Don’t quote me back at me.

  SALLY

  I’m quoting God back at you.

  CHRIS

  This is getting out of hand. I’m pulling the plug.

  SALLY

  What do you mean?

  CHRIS

  I’ve got a news flash for you, Sally. I’m not God. Never was. Never will be.

  SALLY

  You are God.

  CHRIS

  No, I’m not.

  SALLY

  Yes, you are.

  CHRIS

  No, I’m not. I’ve been putting you on. I invented the whole idea by myself right there in the mall three weeks ago. It was fun for a while, but it’s not fun any more, so it’s over. Now, I’m telling you the truth. I’m not God. Never was, never will be. God doesn’t exist.

  SALLY

  I’ve got a news flash for you. I know that you think that you’re not God. I’ve known that for weeks. I’m not stupid, you know. And then, yesterday, Judy confirmed it. She told me that Peter told her that you told him that you’re not God. But that doesn’t matter. You’re wrong. You are God. You just don’t know it.

  CHRIS

  (incredulous)

  I’d know if I were God or not.

  SALLY

  No, you wouldn’t.

  CHRIS

  Yes, I would. And I know that I am not God.

  SALLY

  Well, I know that you are God. So there.

  CHRIS

  (To Judy and Peter. Confounded)

  She won’t believe me. You tell her the truth.

  JUDY

  I’ve been thinking about this since I told Sally what Peter said yesterday and I know that she’s right. Read my lips. You are God. I know that you are God. Sally knows that you are God. All those people over there know that you are God.

  (She waves to unseen people in the general direction of the audience)

  You are the only one who doesn’t know that you are God.

  CHRIS

  Hey, now wait a minute. I’d know if I were God or not.

  JUDY

  How would you know?

  CHRIS

  (taken aback. Pauses to think for a minute)

  Uh…Because…Because, I’d just know. That’s why.

  (looks to Peter for support)

  PETER

  (mildly sarcastic, mimicking Chris’ tone)

  You would just know?

  (as to a student)

  Automatically? Without any basis in either logic or empirical proof? Sounds like mysticism to me, Chris. If God exists then it is logically possible that He can direct your actions without your knowing it. It’s like a computer programs not knowing anything about the programmer. God may have programmed you without your knowing it. On the basis of pure logic, I’ve got to side with them. You could be God just as easily as not.

  CHRIS

  But there is no God.

  PETER

  That’s your position. Not mine. You’re the atheist. I’m just an agnostic. And right now I’m leaning towards believing in God.

  CHRIS

  You can’t really believe what you’re saying.

  PETER

  I can believe anything that is logically possible. This is a logical possibility.

  SALLY

  (to Chris)

  Do you think that anything is beyond His power?

  CHRIS

  (frustrated)

  There is no Him. He’s just a children’s story that too many adults failed to grow out of. People outgrow their belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. They just fail to outgrow their belief in God.

  JUDY

  That should tell you something, right there. Faith in God is different than naïve belief in the Tooth Fairy. There is a God. And He has a sense of humor and the joke’s on you.

  CHRIS

  God is just fiction.

  PETER

  If so, then He’s a damn useful fiction.

  CHRIS

  Et tu, Peter?

  PETER

  Maybe one of His goals has been to convert me.

  CHRIS

  No. This was just a scam to get into her pants, remember?

  PETER

  Did you get into her pants?

  CHRIS

  No. The scam didn’t work. It will never work. That’s why I’m bailing.

  PETER

  You’re wrong. The scam worked. You just didn’t know
what the real scam was. All the time that you thought that you were scamming Sally, God was scamming you.

  CHRIS

  You are all deluded by a logical fallacy.

  PETER

  God once told me never to underestimate the power of a tautology.

  CHRIS

  That was what I said.

  PETER

  I rest my case.

  CHRIS

  I give up.

  (Chris turns and takes two steps away from the group. He is leaving)

  SALLY

  Wait. You can’t leave. I’ve got a bunch more people’s problems for you to solve.

  CHRIS

  (turns back)

  What?

  SALLY

  People heard about how you saved Sophie and George so easily, and now they want me to ask you to solve their problems, too. You have to listen to me and then tell me what to tell them. That was our deal.

  CHRIS

  No deal. This is over.

  PETER

  (smiling smugly)

  You’ve got a tiger by the tail here, Chris. There’s a new religious movement starting right here in the mall. I’ve seen the congregation. You already have a dozen converts.

  CHRIS

  I don’t have any tiger by the tail. I can let go anytime I want. This tiger has no teeth.

  JUDY

  If you stop now, then you’ll let Sally down. She deserves better than that.

  PETER

  You do have an ethical responsibility here, Chris. You told me that, yourself. Sally made commitments to people based solely on what you told her. If she can’t fulfill her commitments, then her reputation will be damaged. You have an ethical responsibility to protect her. Or is your big commitment to ethics just an excuse for any behaviour that strikes your fancy?

  CHRIS

  (Looking at the three expectant pairs of eyes staring at him)

  Uhh… I…. Uhh…

  (pauses for a long time while he thinks about his dilemma)

  Ok. Here’s your answer. You say that God spoke through me without my realizing it.

  SALLY

  Yes.

  JUDY

  Yeah.

  PETER

  Yup.

  CHRIS

  Ok, then. Let’s say that you’re right. God spoke through me. But there is nothing special about me. He could speak through any one of you just as easily.

  SALLY

  But He isn’t speaking through us. He’s only speaking through you.

  CHRIS

  Not true. You can’t know that. By your logic, God can be speaking through anyone at any time without them knowing it. So that is your truth. Anyone can be the voice of God at any time. Therefore, you have to treat everything that everyone says as a potential message from God. It is not up to them to tell you if they’re speaking for God. It is up to you