Torn

What I did know was that I had a rare moment when I was completely alone. No guards around me. No Duncan or Tove or Aurora. And I could really use some fresh air.

  I hurried before someone found me. If I waited, I knew someone would come along and want something from me. Probably a conversation, but I didn’t want to talk. I wanted a moment to breathe.

  I ran down the hall of the north wing, bursting through the side door onto a narrow gravel trail lined with tall hedges. It curved around the house, leading down to the bluffs before it opened onto a beautiful garden.

  Snow covered everything, making it glitter like diamonds under the moonlight. The wintry weather should’ve killed off all the plants, but the blue, pink, and purple flowers were in full bloom. The frost on their petals only made them more beautiful.

  The vines of ivy and wisteria that grew over the wall remained green and vibrant. Even the small waterfall that ran through the orchard of blossoming trees still flowed, instead of freezing solid the way it should have.

  A thin blanket of snow crunched cold under my bare feet, but I didn’t care. I ran down the side of the bluff, slipping in a few places, but I never fell. Two curved garden benches stood next to the pond, and I sat down on the nearest one.

  The garden was a little piece of magic, and I loved it for that. I leaned back, breathing in the cold night. My breath came out in a fog, and the moon sparkled off the ice crystals in the air. I’d been locked in the house for far too long.

  A snap of a twig behind me pulled me from my thoughts, and I whirled around. I couldn’t see anyone, but I saw shadows moving along a hedge near the brick wall.

  “Who’s there?” I asked.

  I assumed it was Duncan or another tracker sent to fetch me. When nobody answered, I began to worry that I’d made a rash decision coming out here alone. I could defend myself, but I didn’t want there to be a need for it.

  “I know somebody’s here. ” I stood up. I walked around the bench and peered through the trees.

  I saw a figure standing by the wall. He was too far away to get a good look at his face, but the moon shimmered on his light hair.

  “Who’s there?” I repeated. I straightened up and tried to look as imposing as possible, which is quite hard for a Princess in a dress, alone in a garden at night.

  “Princess?” He sounded surprised and stepped closer to me. When he ducked around a tree and walked toward me, I finally got a good look at him.

  “Loki?” I asked, and I felt joy swell inside me, immediately followed by confusion. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came for you. ” He seemed just as bewildered as I was. “What are you doing out here?”

  “I needed fresh air. But I don’t understand. How did you know I’d be out here?”

  “I didn’t. This is how I come in. ” He gestured to the wall behind him. “I scale the wall. You should really get security on that. ”

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  “Why are you here?” I asked.

  “Don’t pretend like you’re not happy to see me. ” His cocky grin returned, lighting up his face. “I’m sure you’ve been miserable since I left. ”

  “Hardly,” I scoffed. “I’ve been planning my engagement party. ”

  “Yes, I’ve heard about that dreadful business. ” He wrinkled his nose in disgust. “That’s why I’ve come to save you. ”

  “Save me?” I echoed.

  “Yes, like a knight in shining armor. ” Loki spread his arms wide and bowed low. “I’ll throw you over my shoulder and scale the wall with you like Rapunzel. ”

  “Rapunzel used her hair so a prince could climb into a tower, not escape it,” I told him.

  “Forgive me. The Vittra don’t believe in nursery rhymes or fairy tales. ”

  “Neither do I,” I said. “And I don’t need to be rescued. I’m where I’m supposed to be. ”

  “Oh, come, now. ” Loki shook his head. “Princess, you can’t believe that. You’re not supposed to be locked away in a horrible castle, engaged to a boring fool, forced to sneak out in the night for a chance to breathe. ”

  “I appreciate your concern, Loki, but I’m happy here. ” Even as I said it, I wasn’t sure if that was true or not.

  “I can promise you a life of adventure. ” Loki grabbed a branch and swung over, so he landed on the bench with astonishing grace. “I’ll take you to exotic places. Show you the world. Treat you the way a Princess really ought to be treated. ”

  “That all sounds well and good. ” I smiled up at him. I was flattered by his invitation, even if I didn’t trust it. “But … why?”

  “Why?” Loki laughed. “Why not?”

  “I can’t help but feel like you’re only trying to get me to shirk my responsibilities as a Trylle Princess so I can aid your cause,” I said honestly.

  “You think the King put me up to this?” Loki laughed again. “The King loathes me. Despises me. Threatens to behead me on a daily basis. The Queen had to go against his wishes to get me. He wanted you all to execute me. ”

  “Now I really wanna go back to that,” I said with a smirk.

  “Who said anything about going back? I’m asking you to run away from all of this, from all the Trylle and the Vittra, the silly royals and their silly rules. ” He gestured widely around us.

  “Is that why you looked upset when Sara suggested I come back with you?”

  “That was dreadful,” he admitted. “For one horrible minute, I thought you would accept, and that would be the end of everything. ”

  I cocked my head at him. “The end of everything?”

  “The King would never let you get away again,” Loki explained. “And you couldn’t survive there. ”

  “Why are you so certain I wouldn’t survive against the King?” I asked. “I’m strong and smart, and sometimes I’m even brave. ”

  “That’s exactly why. Because you’re good and brave and kind and beautiful. ” He jumped down from the bench, landing right in front of me. “The King destroys anything that’s beautiful. ”

  “Then how have you survived for so long?” I meant to keep my tone teasing, but as soon as I asked it, his eyes flashed with pain, and he lowered them quickly.

  “That story is too long for tonight, Princess, but I can assure you that my survival has come at a price. ” He swallowed hard, then cleared his throat, and his smirk returned. “Wait. Did you just call me brave and beautiful?”

  “Hardly. ” I laughed and stepped away from him, all too aware of his presence next to me. He seemed to exude heat as well as charm. “So, what would happen if I took you up on this offer? Where would we go? What would we do?”

  “I am so glad you asked. ” His whole face lit up. “I have some money. Not a lot, mind you, but I’ve hidden some of my mother’s old jewelry. I could pawn it, and then we could go anywhere. Do anything your heart desired. ”

  “That doesn’t really sound like much of a plan. ”

  “The Virgin Islands,” Loki answered quickly and took another step toward me. “We wouldn’t need passports to get there, and there’s no trolls of any kind. We could spend all day in the ocean, and all night on the beach. ” He paused, his smile painfully sincere. “Just the two of us. ”

  “I can’t. ” I shook my head, and I hated how tempting the idea was. To run away from all the pressure and stress of the palace. “I can’t let the kingdom down. I have a duty here, to these people. ”

  “You have a duty to yourself to be happy!” Loki insisted.

  “No, I don’t,” I said. “I have too much here. And let’s not forget that I have a fiancé. ”

  “Don’t marry him. ” He scoffed at the idea. “Marry me instead. ”

  “Marry you?” I laughed. “You told me that I should only marry for love. ”

  “That I did. ” In that rare moment of honesty, Loki looked almost stunningly handsome. He stepped toward me, moving so close we were nearly touching. “Wendy, marry
me. ”

  “That’s…” I shook my head, astounded by his proposal. “That doesn’t even make sense, Loki. I barely know you, and you’re … you’re my enemy. ”

  “I know I haven’t known you that long, but I’ve felt … a connection from the moment I saw you, and I know you felt it too. ”

  I floundered, wanting to deny him, but unable to. “Loki, a connection isn’t enough to build a life on. ”

  “I don’t care where I come from or who your people are,” he said simply. “I can make you happy, and you make me happy. We could have a happily ever after. ”

  His eyes were on mine, and even in the dim light they glimmered gold. A slow wave started to wash over me as relaxation flowed through me. Just when I realized that Loki was trying to knock me out, the sensation stopped.

  “What happened?” I asked, as the fog lifted from my mind. Loki stood inches in front of me, and I knew I should move away, but I didn’t.

  “I’m not going to do that to you,” he said quietly. “What I told you before is still true. I want to know that when you’re with me, it’s because you want to be, not because you have to be. ”

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  “Loki—” I started to protest.

  He put his hands on my face, and they felt warm on my skin, even though they should’ve been cold from scaling the wall. He leaned in to me, but he paused before his lips touched mine. His eyes met mine, searching them for any resistance, but I didn’t have any.

  His mouth covered mine, and warmth stirred inside me. He tasted sweet and cool, and his skin smelled of fresh rain. My knees felt weak, and my heart battered against my chest. His hands moved back, tangling in my hair and pressing me to him.

  I wrapped my arms around him, and he felt strong and powerful against me. I could actually feel his muscles, like warm marble, and I knew he could crush me if he wanted to. But the way he touched me was passionate and delicate all at once.

  I wanted to give in to him, to his invitation, but a voice of reason gnawed at me. My stomach fluttered with butterflies, then twisted with knots.

  “No, Loki. ” I pulled my mouth from his, gasping for breath. I put my hands on his chest and took a step back. “I can’t. I’m sorry. ”

  “Wendy. ” Loki watched me walk backward away from him. His expression was so desperate and vulnerable, it made my chest ache.

  “I’m sorry. But I can’t. ”

  I turned and ran to the palace, afraid that I would change my mind if I hesitated any longer.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  sacrifice

  The next few days were a blur. I did everything I could to keep my mind off the kiss with Loki, or the horrible ache inside me that I knew I might never see him again. I just had to put it behind me and move forward with my engagement.

  The training with Tove left me with a constant dull headache in the back of my skull. Making arrangements with his mother left me with pain in the remainder of my head. Willa tried her best to work as an intermediary, but Aurora didn’t seem ready to let our earlier conflict go.

  Elora was feeling better, so she joined us one afternoon. I thought having her there would help dispel the tension, but it didn’t. When Aurora wasn’t busy picking at me, she was picking at Elora. And when she wasn’t doing that, they were both picking at me.

  I spent most evenings in the library with Duncan, studying as much as I could about the Trylle way of life. I’d found a Tryllic dictionary, and I had to keep leafing through it as I looked through older documents. It was impossible to guess what it meant, since Tryllic didn’t use the English alphabet. For example, the word Tryllic looked like this—

  With the small desk lamp as the only light in the room, I sat at the desk with my nose buried in a book. Duncan was at the shelves, combing through the acres of books to find ones that he thought would be best. He did know more about Trylle history than I did, but not much more.

  “Burning the midnight oil?” Finn asked, scaring me so much I nearly screamed. He stood at the edge of the desk, and I hadn’t even heard him come in.

  “Yeah, I guess. ” I stared down at the faded pages of the book, keeping myself focused on them instead of Finn.

  I hadn’t talked to him since I’d kissed Loki. In a bizarre way, I felt as if I’d cheated on him. That was really silly, considering I was engaged to Tove, and what little Finn and I had together was long over.

  “I have something I need to go check on,” Duncan said, taking his cue to exit.

  He didn’t need to, since I doubted that Finn and I needed privacy, but it was nice that he tried. He gave me a hopeful smile before he slipped out, leaving me alone with Finn.

  “What are you looking up?” Finn asked, nodding to the stacks of books on the desk.

  “Anything. Everything. ” I shrugged. “I figured it was about time I got to know my history. ”

  “It’s a very large history,” Finn said.

  “Yeah. That’s what I’m finding out. ” I leaned back in my chair so I could look up at him. The dim light from the lamp left most of his face in shadow, but his expressions were so unreadable anyway, it didn’t really matter.

  “The engagement party is tomorrow,” he said. “Shouldn’t you be upstairs primping and preening with Willa?”

  “Nope. I get to do that in the morning. ” I sighed, thinking of the long day ahead of me tomorrow.

  “On that note, a congratulations is in order. ”

  “Really?” I closed the book I’d been reading and stood up.

  I didn’t want to be that close to Finn anymore, so I went over to a shelf and put the book away. I wasn’t sure if it was the right spot, but I needed an excuse to move.

  “You’re getting married,” Finn said, his voice cool and even. “Congratulations is appropriate. ”

  “Whatever. ” I shoved the book hard in the bookcase and turned around to face him.

  “You can’t be mad at me for being supportive,” Finn said, letting disbelief tinge his words.

  “I can be mad at you for whatever I want. ” I leaned against the bookcase. “But I don’t get you at all. ”

  “What is there to get?” Finn asked.

  “You practically ripped my arm off because you thought I was flirting with Loki. But I’m getting married to Tove, and you treat us both like nothing’s happening. ”

  “That’s entirely different. ” Finn shook his head. “The Vittra was bad for you. He would hurt you. Tove is your intended. ”

  “My intended?” I scoffed. “Were you protecting me for him? Making sure that nobody else tainted me until Tove got me?”

  “No, of course not. I was merely protecting you. Your good name, your image. ”

  “Right. That’s what you were doing when you had your tongue down my throat?”

  “I don’t know why you always resort to being so crude. ” He lowered his eyes in disapproval.

  “I don’t know why you always have to be so proper!” I shot back. “Can you tell me how you really feel for once? I’m marrying somebody else! Don’t you care at all?”

  “Of course I care!” Finn yelled, his eyes blazing.

  “Then why aren’t you doing something?” I asked as tears filled my eyes. “Why don’t you at least try to stop me?”

  “Because Tove will take care of you. He will defend you. ” Finn swallowed hard. “He will be able to do things for you, with you, that I never could. Why would I take that away from you?”

  “Because you care about me. ”

  “It’s because I care about you that I can’t!”

  “I don’t believe you. ” I shook my head. “You don’t even care when I’m with him. How could you get so angry when I was with Loki? You admitted you were jealous when I hung out with Rhys. But when I’m around Tove, you’re fine. ”

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  “I’m not fine. ” He sighed in frustration. “But it doesn’t feel the same when you’re with To
ve. It doesn’t bother me as much. ”

  “How can it not bother you?” I asked, totally dismayed.

  “Because he’s gay, Wendy!” Finn said finally, sounding exasperated.

  For a moment I was too stunned to say anything. I just played over every moment I’d ever shared with Tove until I realized that what Finn had said made sense.

  “He’s gay?” I asked quietly.

  “Don’t tell him I told you, okay?” Finn grimaced and looked apologetic. “I shouldn’t be doing that. It’s his private thing, and it’s not my job to be airing his business. ”

  “Then why is he marrying me?”

  “What did he tell you when he proposed?” Finn asked.

  “He said … because he believed in me and wanted me to be the leader. ” I thought back to the conversation. “He did it to support me, to save our people. For the same reasons I accepted the proposal.

  “He’s gay,” I repeated. After that sank in, something new hit me, and I shook my head. “That’s why you don’t care. You know that I don’t love him, that I never will, so you’d rather me marry him? But you thought I loved Loki, or that I could. ”

  “It’s more than that, Wendy. ” Finn shook his head. “Loki would hurt you. ”

  “But that’s not why you got mad. You were jealous because I might love somebody else. ” Anger surged through me. “You’d rather I live a lie than find happiness with someone else. ”

  “You think you’d find happiness with a Vittra Markis?” Finn scoffed. “He’s dangerous, Wendy. I didn’t trust him around you. ”

  “You didn’t trust him because you knew I cared about him!”

  “Yes!” Finn shouted. “And you shouldn’t. He’s a bad guy!”

  “You don’t even know him!” I yelled back.

  “Do you want to go run off with him?” His face went stony, trying to hide any hurt he might feel. “Is that what you’re saying? That I prevented you from living a fairy tale with him?”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying. ” I swallowed my tears. “I prevented myself from running off with him because I knew what was best for the kingdom was me staying here. But I can’t believe how selfish you are. You say everything you do is for me, but if that were true, you’d encourage me to go after happiness, instead of trapping me here with you. ”

  “How have I trapped you here?” Finn asked.

  “This!” I gestured between the two of us. “I can’t have you, and I can’t be without you. And I’m stuck in it with no way out. I care about you, and I can’t stop, and you don’t even care!”

  “Wendy. ” His expression softened, and he moved toward me. I stepped back and ran into the bookshelf, so I couldn’t go any farther. He reached out to touch me, and I pushed him off.

  “No!” I shouted, with tears streaming down my face. “I hate that you do this me. I hate how crazy you make me. I hate you!”

  He reached out, brushing hair back from my forehead. I jerked my head away, but he didn’t move his hand. He’d moved right in front of me, so his body was against mine. I tried to push against him, but he stayed firm. He wouldn’t move. His hand rested on my face, making me tilt my head up toward him.

  His eyes were so black and deep, and they took my breath away, the way they always had. With his fingers, he traced along my hairline. The fight inside me disappeared, but the passion still lingered.