We made it to Bayfield, and beyond to my family’s cabin, in two days. We took mostly side roads so the trip was longer, but much safer than our first five days together. We only had one encounter with road bandits. We easily outran them on our bikes, even with our heavy loads. Britney whined very little those two days. I carried the heavy pack, leaving her with a lighter load. But every time we came to a steep uphill climb, she whined her pack was too heavy and how could I be so mean? I laughed every time she said that.
Of course, we found the cabin empty. What else did I expect from my family? It had been over a month since the electricity, and civilization had disappeared. No one else had made it to Bayfield. Had they even tried?
The cabin was small. Well, for six it would have been small. But for just Britney and me, it was spacious. I let her choose from two spare bedrooms while I took the master for myself. She chose the one closest to mine, of course. It didn’t matter for the first few months. Somewhere in the middle of the night she would always vacate her room and crawl in bed next to me. I told her it wasn’t proper for a father and his daughter to share a bed. She didn’t argue. She didn’t say anything. She just kept doing it, night after night.
The fall went fast as we became familiar with our new surroundings and made a number of trips into Bayfield for supplies. She liked Bayfield. While she had never been there before, she found it a lot like the area she had grown up. The people were mostly friendly and very helpful. Many of our new friends went out of their way to make us feel at home. We were invited to a dozen places for meals, and every church in town reached out to their newest residents. Britney was comfortable here.
Winter came early and lasted a long time. We stayed huddled inside most days. We had used the fall to cut and stack a lot of wood, so we were prepared. Whenever our food supplies began to run low, we put on everything we owned and trudged into town for more. The pickings were slim in town, mostly eggs, cheese and venison. Since that’s all there was, we ate what we could find. Most days Britney read in a large comfortable green overstuffed chair by the south window. I discovered right away that she liked to read, so I spent a little time on every trip into town finding her subjects to keep her occupied over the long winter. By spring she had even begun to learn a little bit of Spanish. Mostly to swear at me when I was being mean.
The next spring I decided we needed a garden. A large garden. A ridiculously humongous garden, according to my daughter. Turning up the soil brought out a new side of Britney’s anger. She wasn’t much happier when it took two days of bending over to plant it either. And weeding took her over the edge.
One hot summer day we weeded in silence. The weeds were small, but we needed to get them out. I told her over and over we had to stay at the task. Finally she’d had enough.
“I cannot believe you are doing this to me. We’ve been doing nothing but pulling weeds for days now, maybe weeks. You’re an awful, rotten father. I hate you.” Britney stood ten feet away screaming at my back. I ignored her. I knew better. It wasn’t that fun for me either. I could sense her glare but chose to ignore her. Finally I heard her dash over to my side and bend down to hug me. She kissed my cheek as she apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You’re the best dad ever. Ever.” Problem solved.
Later that summer, a dog showed up at our door. He wasn’t much of a dog. Just a small brown mangy mutt. I ignored him; Britney named him Buster, and he’s lived with us ever since. He’s okay I guess, for a mutt.
A few weeks later a woman with two small boys showed up at our garden. She looked weak and frail, about my age, perhaps a few years younger. The boys looked dirty and depressed. Sarah had left her home in central Wisconsin looking for her parents when the previous winter’s snows had melted. Now, some three months later, she found herself wandering the countryside with her boys, Dillon and David. Britney and I invited them in for the night and they’ve stayed ever since. Sarah is a good, kind, gentle woman and has become a wonderful mother for Britney and a good wife for me. Britney loves having little brothers to keep her occupied. She loves reading them stories and snuggling in bed with them at night. Britney finally has the whole family she always wanted so badly.
Some days, I am overwhelmed with guilt. I feel I should have made a better effort to find my family, my first family. That’s what people call their lost families these days, their “first family.” On those days when I’m quiet and lost in my thoughts, Sarah seems to know what I need. She quietly reminds me that we’re lucky to have what we do have now. So many families are still torn apart. So many people wander the roads and countryside, lost and alone. At least we have each other. She knows how to make me feel better.
Almost every day, Sarah and Britney and even the boys tell me that they love me. Most days I can only smile and give them a hug. When, after months of not responding, I was finally able to reciprocate their words – the feelings have always been there – I felt so guilty. Like I was betraying my love for Sharon and Rita and Dustin. But I realize now that there’s room in my heart for all of them. I know I’ll never see my first family again. Not in this lifetime. But I still love them and miss them every single day.
The world we once knew is gone. Things will never be the same. Everything is harder now. Getting food, getting fuel, going anywhere, just plain living. It’s all so much harder. With the support and love of my family, I do the best I can in this new world. I pray that God will keep us safe and watch over those we miss so dearly. That is my daily prayer.
Epilogue
Diary of Sharon Carlson – September 29 – 13 months post event
My darling Bill.
It’s been more than a year now since we parted. If I had only known it would be the last time I would see you, I would have said so many things.
You see, I never really appreciated you, my love, until you weren’t there anymore. The days without you have been terrible and lonely. What I would give to sit and talk for hours with you about nothing as you held me and told me how much you loved me. I was such a fool to take what we had for granted.
The first day that everything changed was awful. And I feel so bad thinking back on that time now. When the lights were out and no one had power I somehow thought my car would still work. When it didn’t, I cursed your name. How could you let something like this happen to me? I’m so ashamed for thinking that way, Bill. Can you ever forgive me?
Milwaukee fell apart fast after power was gone. By fall it wasn’t safe to be outside anytime, day or night. The roads were full of people who would kill you just for, well, nothing. Then we heard rumors of bands of thieves going door-to-door taking food and water and worse. So many women have gone missing. There one minute and gone the next. Gone forever, I’m afraid.
Mom and Dad insisted we leave Milwaukee and head for Uncle George’s farm up by Ripon. Were we ever there together, Bill? I used to go a lot when I was a little girl. I just can’t recall if you and I ever visited George and Louise up there.
It’s only 60 miles from my parent’s house to George’s farm. But our route was more like 80 because we had to take side roads. They’re the only safe roads out there anymore. We started on bikes, but the tires gave out on two of them so the kids had to ride tandem with me and their grandfather. Those tires eventually blew as well, so the last 40 miles was on foot.
It took us four painful days to get to the farm. Dad complained every step of the way. Mom was a real champ, though. She kept the kids’ spirits up and talked to me the whole time. We had some trouble, but Dad had his shotgun with, so that kept most people away.
George and Louise welcomed us with open arms. Almost immediately George put us all to work helping with the harvest and filling the barn with the summer’s bounty. It was really hard work, darling, so much harder than I ever realized. Those Amish people must be so strong to be able to do what they do by hand nowadays. We have a lot to learn from them, at least George says we do.
Winter was long and hard. I’ve written so much of that in my diary al
ready. Dustin got really ill just after Christmas. An Amish doctor came and gave us a rub to put on his chest. He had some sort of nasty flu bug, the doctor said. It took a few weeks, but our little man finally got better. Thank God.
The kids miss you so much, Bill. So very much. Rita still cries almost every night for you. Dustin tries to be strong. I know it’s hard for him, but he puts on a very brave face. I have only one picture of you and I remaining. So I gave it to Rita to keep. I’m sure you understand how much a young girl needs her Father nearby.
A man with a little girl came to help us on the farm this spring. His name is Frederick, and his little girl is Sadie. She’s so cute. She’s five now. Just turned five in August. Frederick is a hard worker. He’s a great help. We’ve had to plant everything by hand this year and we couldn’t have done it without him. He and Sadie live with us now. I hope you know what I mean. I haven’t tried to replace you, Bill. And he’s not half the man you ever were. But I’ve been so alone and so miserable. He’s good to Dustin and Rita and my mother. And so sweet and kind to me. He says his wife was away down South on a business trip when everything happened. He misses her a lot, too. We all miss someone, Bill.
Dad is gone. We got up one morning and he headed into town, and we haven’t seen him since. Mom says he’s run off with another woman. I think he died somewhere. Frederick and George have searched all over, but he’s nowhere to be found. That was in June, so I’m afraid he’s gone for good.
This is the last entry I am going to make in my diary. One final farewell. It just hurts so much every time I open these pages and write to you my darling. I know if you could be here you would come. But I’m sure you are stuck in Woodbury taking care of all those weak neighbors of ours. That would be just like you, always thinking of others before yourself.
I’m going to work on the future. Whatever future there is for Rita, Dustin, Frederick, Sadie and myself. I know you understand. Maybe you’ve even taken up with that silly Alexis from across the street. You know she always had a thing for you. I suppose you never saw it. You were too busy being the best dad and most wonderful husband a family could ever have. Thank you for all the things I never thanked you for Bill. I will miss you so, so much. I love you my darling. I always have and will until my dying day.
Yours always,
Sharon
P.S. – I just realized today is your 40th birthday. Happy birthday dear. I feel like it’s someone else’s birthday as well. But for the life of me I can’t recall who it is. I bet 40 looks good on you. xoxo
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About the Author
This is the debut novel for dystopian author e a lake. He arrived late on the writing scene, beginning after his 50th birthday. After eighteen months he has this novel and three other manuscripts ready in this series (awaiting publication). He also has two more manuscripts ready for editing in another series, The Smith Chronicles.
The author and his wife make their home in a quiet suburb just east of St. Paul, MN. Both have been lifelong residents of the upper Midwest.
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Feel free to check my website at: www.ealake.com
And my blog at: www.ealake.blogspot.com
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