Fitting In (Is Hard to Do) Semester 1

I COULD HAVE PEED my pants. I had never in my life been in a situation like this, let alone see a real life cop close up. Roman stepped out the car awaiting the officer to approach him while Symphony, Quincy, and me were on the passenger side of the car. The officer held his had up to tell us to stay where we were.

  “Can I see your license, registration, and proof of insurance, please?” It was more of a demand than a question.

  “Uh…” Roman looked at Symphony and Symphony used her hands, head, and eyes to say she didn’t know what to do. “The registration should be in the glove compartment.” The officer allowed Roman to reach over to the passenger’s side to retrieve it.

  “Who is Evelyn Haynes?”

  “Th-that’s my grandmother… sir.”

  My legs were shaking so bad I thought I was going to fall to the ground. I was scared out of my mind. I began praying to God. “Oh Lord, Jesus! If you get me out of this, I promise I will never sneak out the house again.”

  “Oh! That’s nice… you’re praying for yourself. What about the rest of us, you selfish chick!” Symphony whispered in my ear.

  “I’m sorry! But I’m scared!” I looked at Symphony with tears in my eyes. “I ain’t never been in a situation like this before!”

  “Oh, and we have? Quit thinking you’re that high and mighty bitch!” Symphony rolled her eyes at me. I looked over at Quincy with his hands in his pockets fidgeting around like he was nervous.

  “Stop calling me that! I don’t know what to do!” The tears that swelled up in my eyes had rolled down my cheeks.

  Quincy had taken his hands out of his pockets and grabbed my hand and held it. I looked up at him quizzically. “Put it in your pocket and run!” I didn’t think twice. I placed the baggy in my pocket and took off running like I was a track star. I didn’t stop to look back. In my mind, the police stopped interrogating Roman and took off to run after me.

  My first thought was to run back to Willow’s house. But then I thought bad mistake. That chick probably mad as hell at me right now. I’ll just have to go home and think of some excuse to tell my mom when that time comes. After I give Willow a little time to cool off from sneaking out on her, I’m sure she’ll understand and forgive me as usual. Either way it go, even if she mad, she’ll have my back. When I get in the house, I’ll just let her phone ring once. That’s our code for if you hear it, call me back… she’ll know it’s me. She might not call back tonight though. I’m sure she salty.

  All the way home I kept looking around every corner wondering if the cops were going to swoop in on me. I kept envisioning them finding me, searching me, finding this weed, handcuffing me, and taking me to jail. I took the baggie out of my pocket and my first thought was to throw it somewhere as I was running. But then I thought, couldn’t they find my fingerprint on the bag? Or my DNA from the half-smoked one? I put them back in my pocket and kept it moving.

  My first thought when Quincy handed me that stuff and told me to run. I thought I was doing them a solid by taking the chance and running with his stash. Even though I was scared, I felt like a real ride or die chick after I got out of their eyesight. Then I wondered about Symphony. Did she count me as faithful doing this? Or to her, does it look like I was abandoning them? OMG… my head was spinning trying to figure all this stuff out. It seemed like everyone in the world was gonna hate me. But then again, I do think too much. I over think things. And half the time, the things I think about happening, don’t even be as half bad as I thought in the first place. Ok, new thought… Willow got my back and she will definitely cover for me. My mom will never find out about this. And the squad will have to love me for what I did. Yep, that’s it.

  It felt weird putting my house key in the door at almost 3:00 in the morning. I tried to mask my fear with the thought of me being grown and this was my house. What do ya know. I’m home. I’m safe. No cops. No arrest. No parents. I’m good. I got away with it. I open the front door and walk in.

  SMACK! I fall to the floor taking the table side lamp with me. What the hell! Am I being robbed? Am I about to be killed for walking in on the robbers?

  “Get yo ass up!”

  Oh hecks naw! That wasn’t no robber. That was my mom! She grabs my 90-pound frame up as if it were a bag of feathers and throw me into the wall. “Where the hell were you?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t say anything. I think I was in shock. I just look at her and stare. The phone rings again and she picks it up and answers. “What? Yeah she’s here! Her little ass just came walking up in here a few minutes ago.” She hangs the phone up and gets back in my face. “Do you know we were all worried about you? When Kathy called me at work and said you were gone and how they came to the house looking for you and yo ass wasn’t here!” So Willow did snitch on me. She didn’t have my back at all! “I want to know where the hell you were!”

  “Out!” That was the only word that came out of my mouth. I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t thought about it. I’d never even considered myself being in this situation. I didn’t want to tell her who I was really with because then I’d be a snitch just like Willow.

  She smacks me again in my face. This time twice. Three times. Then it just became a smack fest. I throw my arms up to protect my face and shield her hits which became punches in my head until my dad busts through the door and pulls her off of me. “What is this mess you have in your hair?” My mom rummages through the tracks Symphony had glued in and ripped them out. “Take yo ass in the room and get ready.” She snatches the belt from around my father’s waist so quick and smooth you wouldn’t even have thought it was buckled.

  “You can’t whoop me!” O my Lord, I don’t know what was coming over me. It was like it wasn’t even me.

  “I can’t whoop you? Oh, I see. You think you’re too big for an ass whoopin’ huh?” She throws the belt to the floor and gets in a stance with her fist up. “You think you’re a woman now? You think you can go toe-to-toe with me? You think you can whoop my ass? Girl I will beat you like a bitch in the street!” Before she swung on me, my dad takes hold of her and tells her to calm down. I have never in my life seen my mom go off like that. She looked straight up like a ghetto hood rat.

  “You better get her!” My mom walks away from us and go into the kitchen to light a cigarette.

  “When did you start back smoking?” My dad asks my mom. I never even knew she ever smoked.

  “When this bitch right here decided she was grown enough to sneak the fuck out. That’s when.” She took long big puffs… not small dainty ones like Symphony.

  “Come on… give me that.” My dad tries to take the cigarette from my mom but she gives him an evil look that could have blew up the whole house. He wasn’t stupid. He knew when to back off and leave my mother alone.

  He leaves my mother in the kitchen and comes to talk to me. “What’s going on, sweetheart?”

  “Nothing. She tripping.” I fold my arms across my chest and they heave up and down in rhythm to my breathing.

  “Something is going on. Where were you?” I wanted to ask him the same thing. Where were you? I wanted to say, I saw you in the car with some white woman and spewing out obscenities to young kids. But I didn’t. I just thought it.

  I still didn’t come up with an answer. Tears continued to stream down my face like a leaky faucet. I wasn’t like boo-hoo crying or nothing. It’s just that I couldn’t control my tears because I was so mad. “Daddy, I was just out with my friends. We went to the movies. That’s all. Honest. But mommy don’t understand that.” I literally smack my cheek and wipe my hand firmly across it to remove the tear stains.

  “Well. Your mother’s just looking out for your best interest. You know that.”

  “But she don’t let me go anywhere or do anything! It’s like I’m a prisoner in here. Like I’m locked up and she won’t let me out.” The old Akon lyrics popped into my head. “I want to come stay with you daddy.”

  He laughed like something was funny. “You’re mad right now.??
? He rubs the hair on his chin. “This will all blow over in a little while.” Humph… what a lame ass answer. Technically he didn’t even give me one. He laughed at me like I was a damn joke. He not about to get out of this so easily.

  “Why can’t I stay with you, daddy?” I beg my own father to take me in.

  “You want to go live with this sorry ass man? Go right the hell ahead!” She mushes me as she walks pass and go into my room to gather all my clothes. She tosses them at me. At my dad. And outside. “Get the hell out!” I mean really! She was blowing everything all out of proportion. The phone rings again. “Hello!” She snatches up the receiver and yells into it. I guess the caller didn’t say anything because she hangs up even more furious. “You need to tell ya little damn friends to stop calling my house and not saying shit!”

  Little friends? I thought to myself. At first when the phone was ringing, I thought maybe it was Willow doing our code thing. But she wouldn’t do it more than once, especially knowing I’m in full blown trouble mode at this moment. Could it have been Symphony? Roman? Or maybe even Quincy? Yeah it may have been Quincy wondering about his stash.

  My dad was picking up all my clothes and bringing them back into the house. “Stop acting so dramatic Joi! You know she can’t come stay with me!”

  Boom there it was! He couldn’t tell me but he could tell my mom flat out. He didn’t want me to stay with him. I see he tried to at first blame it on my mom like she wouldn’t let me. But what was his excuse now? She was practically throwing me out and he still wouldn’t take me.

  “Why the hell not Russell?”

  “I ain’t got no place for a kid! You know that Joi!”

  “Well according to her… she’s not a kid anymore!”

  “I can’t do it… and I’m not going to do it!” I felt like an invisible misfit. Both of my parents were fighting over me. But not in a good way. They were fighting because neither of them wanted me. I run to my room and for the first time that I could remember, I slam my door closed and lock it.

  ♥♥♥

  I could hear my mom’s boyfriend, Keith, coming in as my father was going out. I hear my mom’s voice change too. It wasn’t as violent as it was when she was talking to my dad. Now she sounded fake and phony. I mimic her with my facial expressions on how her face and gestures would be when she’s talking to Keith. So fake. Now she wants to act like a drama queen. Like she’s so distraught. Give me a break!

  I sit there on the floor at the bottom of my bed holding my knees in my arms. I replayed back all the events that had taken place today. This day was bananas! I reminisced about when Quincy had kissed me. Any other time, in a situation like that, I would have been scared to death. Shoot… when he kissed me, I closed my eyes and imagined I was kissing Roman. I ain’t never smoked weed before… but I think I like it. It was like it gave me confidence and made it real easy to do the things I thought about doing before over thinking it.

  My mom’s boyfriend knocks on my door pulling me out of my thoughts. “I’m about to take your mom for a little ride so she can cool off. You going to be alright?”

  Hump! As if he really gave a damn. I didn’t even answer. He knocks on the door a few more times and then walks away. I could hear his car start up and pull off. I was glad they were gone. I sit there for a few minutes feeling sorry for myself. I reach into my pocket and pull out the half-smoked joint. Realizing I didn’t have a lighter, I run into the kitchen to light it on the stove and then run back and lock my bedroom door and began to puff and blow the smoke out the window. I could hear the birds chirping. It just dawned on me I haven’t even been to sleep yet.

  ♥♥♥

  My mom comes waking me up early in the morning. I felt like I had just closed my eyes. I look at the clock on my nightstand. I did just close my eyes! She must be crazy thinking I’m going to church today with all that went down last night.

  “Hurry up and get dressed. I might just have Pastor lay his hands on you today.” What kind of comment was that! Maybe Pastor needs to lay his hands on her because if I’m not mistaken, she just walked in the house. And last time I checked… she was NOT out with her husband.

  I take a quick shower and get dressed. I wasn’t even feeling all that getting dressed up in your Sunday’s best. I threw on me a pair of jeans, a button up top, and some sneakers. My mother comes into my room. “Oh, is it Youth Sunday?”

  “No.”

  “Then why the disrespect?”

  “What?” I didn’t understand what she was talking about.

  “Stop with the “what’s” Amber. Enough of all that. Put on something that makes it look like you’re going to church.”

  “I don’t have nothing else. You threw all of my stuff on the floor and out the door, remember?”

  “Oh.” My mom leaves out of the room and comes back with a small box in her hand. She sits on the edge of my bed and puts her hand on my knee. “Look Amber, I get it. I really do. But you cannot… you will not, be disrespectful to me or anyone for that matter. Now, I apologize for my part last night. I’m not sorry I went off on you! Don’t get it twisted. I’m apologizing because I know I could have handled it in a better manner than I did. Do you understand?”

  I nod my head yeah. She stands and waits for me to say something. I’m guessing she wants me to apologize too. I don’t see why I have to. The only thing I was sorry about was getting caught. I was sorry I had a snitchin’ ass friend. But she’s still eyeballing me. Fine! “I’m sorry to for sneaking out, mom.”

  “Promise you won’t do it again?”

  “Yeah, I promise.” Whatever. This ain’t no genuine apology or promise. It’s like she’s actually making me say these things. Sure I promise I won’t sneak out again. Probably until I do again! I don’t even know what’s going to be happening later on today! Whatever!

  She hands me the box she’d been holding in her hand. “I know it’s not much… but it’s all I can do right now.”

  I was getting a little excited! We don’t normally exchange gifts unless it’s Christmas. I opened the box and my eyes were bugged out! I couldn’t believe she got me a cell phone! AHHHHHH!

  And then the smile and the happiness fades away as quick as it had first come. Really! Really! This was like an un-gift if that was even a word. Really! An Obama phone! Who am I? Grandma! I look the phone over, trying to keep of the facade as best I could but I don’t think it was working. It was like she lifted me up just to throw me back down into a pile of dog poop. No worse… elephant poop.

  “What’s wrong?” My mom’s smile now fades too.

  “Nothing.” I look up at her and force a smile. “Thanks mom.”

  “Well geesh, Amber. Don’t act too thrilled. I know it’s not one of those expensive phones but give me a break!”

  What did she want me to do? Jump up and down and act as fake as she was when Keith showed up last night? I’m sorry. I’m just not that great of an actress. “No mom, it’s cool. I like it. Thanks.” If anybody saw this ugly cheap stupid phone, I’d really be a laughing stock at Westbrook High. She talking about all these bills she gotta pay. She not even paying for this stupid phone. It’s Free! And it’s not like I can even talk on it. 250 monthly minutes! Really! That’s like an emergency only phone! Oh… I get it now. It for just in case I try to pull a disappearing act, she can call me. Ha! Well little does she know, that won’t work if I don’t answer? Or have minutes left. Now see, if she had got a smartphone, she might could have tracked me.

  ♥♥♥

  It was offering time at the Deliverance Center and today we had a guess pastor by the name of Pastor Andrews from Life Church Ministries. He was a dark skinned man who didn’t look as if he’d miss too many meals. But I could tell that his only taste wasn’t just in food. His 3-piece suit was all that and a bag of chips. He was so huge though that his suits had to be tailor-made. Each of his finger held mounds of gold and diamonds just like the watch on his wrist. He didn’t waste any time in showing them off. His many ble
ssings as he called it. Says if we would be faithful tithers, we could get some of that stuff too.

  It was time for our row of pews to be ushered out next. My mom grabs my granny’s tithing envelope to put in the offering because she couldn’t get around as good as she used to. No sooner than everyone sat back down and get comfortable in the pews, Pastor Andrews starts again.

  “Will a man rob God?” The portly man holds onto the podium as he spoke to his borrowed members.

  I watch as my mother folds her arms and rolls her eyes toward the cathedral ceilings. “Here we go.”

  Granny slaps my mom on her knee. “You stop that in God’s house ya here!”

  It was funny to see my own mom get chastised by her mother. Maybe it was true what they say. No matter how old you are, you’re never grown to your own parents.

  “Come on Saints!” Pastor Andrews roared as he wipes his dripping forehead with a towel. “I know you can do better than that! Now, I want y’all to reaaaachhh way down and give a better offering than that to the Lord! Ain’t He been good to ya!”

  The congregation cries Amen in unison including Granny. “Now I don’t want anyone to give less than $100!”

  “He crazy as hell!” I know my mom didn’t mean to take it that far, but it slipped out and it was too late to take it back. Now maybe she’ll know how I feel sometimes.

  I cover my mouth with my hands and giggle like a grade-schooler. I look at Cam’Ron and he can care less. He’s using the old elbow on the knee to use his hand as a kickstand for his face. I bend down to try and see his face more clearly. Yup, he’s sleep. I look further down my pew to see if Ryder or Willow heard my mom. They did, Ryder smiles a little but Willow mean mugs me as if my mother was my child and for me to get a handle on her. Ugh! Still not talking to her right now so she can just turn her snitchin’ eyes elsewhere.

  “Don’t you blaspheme in God’s house! You need to run up to the altar and repent!” Granny was embarrassed that her own daughter would say such a thing as that. She knew she had raised her better. I know granny was thanking God no one else had heard my mom’s nonsense. Granny grabs her pocketbook to get her last $100 she had to her name for the rest of the month.

  “Mama! What are you doing?” I hear my mom whisper to granny as she snatches her purse from her.

  “I’m listening to the man of God you ‘ole blasphemer!”

  “Well, I’m a child of God and you are not about to give no more money to this man! He ain’t even our Pastor.”

  “How do you think I get all the money I have to help you out all the time? By being obedient that’s how. Granny tried her best to scoot away from my mother. “What are you doing now?”

  “I am getting away from you, ‘cause I know the good Lord bout to strike you down and I don’t want to be nowhere near.”

  23 CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  ROMAN DAVIS

  In all honesty I think that I’m afraid of being happy. Because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.