Fitting In (Is Hard to Do) Semester 1

PAPI HAD TAKEN ALL the boys out to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. So it was just Mami, me, and Josiah. Symphony just called a minute ago. She wanted to come by and talk. Said what she wanted to talk about couldn’t be text or spoken about over the phone. I was a little nervous because I now wondered if somehow she found out about Roman staying over here. She could be so possessive and clingy. That’s probably why Roman never fully committed to her.

  The closer that time ticked by, I wanted to cancel the whole thing. I didn’t feel like dealing with this petty childish stuff. I’m going to just call and tell her not to come because I don’t feel well. I dial her cell and she picks it up before it could even finish with the first ring.

  “What?”

  I take the phone away from my ear and look at it as if it just offended me. “Why you got to answer like that?” I ask Symphony.

  “Because it’s my phone and I can.”

  See? Her funky attitude. I can’t deal with this right now. After changing Josiah’s diaper I tickle his belly, and he laughs. “Um, let’s just do this another time. I’m not feeling too well.”

  “You look fine to me.”

  I turn around and she’s standing in my bedroom doorway with the phone to her ear. I look at her, hang up my cell, and toss it onto the bed. Great! Let’s get this over with. She waltzes in my room, takes her jacket off, and sits in my chair. What I didn’t know was that she was going to bring Spirit with her. “Hey, Spirit, what’s up?”

  “Girl! Have we got some stuff to tell you!” Spirit prances in and plops down on my bed startling Josiah.

  “Spirit shut up! It ain’t even your story to tell. You wasn’t even there.” Symphony laughs as she crosses her legs. I’m sure just to show off her cobalt Burberry jeans and her suede laced-ankle Manolo Pumps. She just wanted someone to tell her how hot they were. Well, I refuse to. I couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscience with my hair in a messy ponytail and dried baby food glued to my t-shirt.

  “Well you better tell her if you don’t want me to.” Spirit rocks her head back and forth.

  “Tell me what?” All this back and forth and nobody saying anything had aroused my curiosity.

  “Ok, so… you know we hooked up with Roman’em last night right?”

  “Who?” I asked because she was being kind of vague on who the “we” was. Symphony stops and stares at me as if she was at a loss for words. “What?” I ask her.

  “Did you even bathe today?”

  “What?” I smell my armpits and they were good so I don’t know what she was talking about.

  “Because…” She stops again and wiggle her finger my way as if she was sprinkling pixie dust on me or something. “You got this housewife thing going on. It’s not cute at all. Have you worn that t-shirt all weekend?”

  I roll my eyes at her. I mean yeah, okay maybe I did, but it was still clean and I did shower. I just put it back on. It’s not like it was musty or anything. The food stains just came from JoJo today. I didn’t go anywhere in it. “No I haven’t worn this t-shirt all weekend. Go on with what you were saying and leave my attire out of it.”

  Symphony makes a face at me as if I were lying and continue to just stare at me. Or maybe she was staring at JoJo. I dunno.

  “Oh forget it! Girl that chick was kissing and hugged up on your man the whole time!” Spirit exhaled as if she was holding her breath for hours.

  I look at Spirit and say, “What chick?” Then I look at Symphony for the answer.

  “As if you don’t know.” Symphony uncrosses her legs and readjust herself in my chair.

  “No I don’t know.” I think for a moment and then say, “Amber?”

  “Yup! Y’alls little lunch buddy.”

  “Oh.” I don’t know. I didn’t have much feeling about that. Spirit and Symphony looks at me as if maybe I didn’t hear or understand what they just said. I don’t know if I didn’t really react because I thought she was here about Roman or what.

  “Oh?” Symphony questions. “So a chick all up on your man and all you have to say is Oh?”

  “Well, Symphony what did you do?”

  “I told her to get up off your man.”

  “Yup! But she didn’t listen.”

  “Spirit shut up!” Symphony and I said in agreement.

  “You betta’ watch your man around that girl if you want him because I can tell she real thirsty.”

  I sigh and run my hands through my hair. I really don’t have time for this. I throw my hands up. “Whatever. I’m sure he was doing more than that when I was gone.”

  “Shoot he was doing the mess when you were still here. And in your face!”

  “Spirit shut up!” We both say again.

  Spirit doesn’t shut up, instead she continues to tell me that story of how they got caught by the cops and how Q gave Amber his weed and told her to run with it. Better her than me. Quincy already knows I don’t play that mess. I do a reenactment as I spoke. “If it was me, I’d be like excuse me officer, but he’s holding and tried to give it to me to run with, officer sir.” They laughed. I forced myself to laugh. We talked some more, but I just wasn’t in the haha life is fun and carefree mood but I wasn’t going to show them that.

  “Oh my goodness he’s such a cutie.” Spirit holds Josiah up as she plays with him. “Isn’t he Symphony?”

  She didn’t say anything. She mumbles something that resembles “mhm.”

  “It’s time for him to eat.” Mami comes in and says as she grabs Josiah from Spirit. She cuts her eyes at me as if she’s mad and wants me to do it.

  Symphony stands up and the bangles on her arm jiggles. “It’s time for us to go. Plus I know you’re not feeling well and all.”

  I roll my eyes at her being sarcastic. “What? I don’t.”

  “I know. You don’t look all that well either.”

  ♥♥♥

  I’m glad they left. She just wanted to rub it in my face they all went out last night and Quincy was up to his same old tricks. Little do she know I had her man in my bed the other night, anyway. Humph, getting caught by the police didn’t sound like fun to me. I’m glad I didn’t go. Then she wanted to talk about what happened last year. Gave me her lame attempt at an apology from that time we were on the bus and how she blurted out I left because I couldn’t take the breakup of me and Q. Ha! Hardly… if she only knew.

  She claimed I had changed. That I wasn’t as fun to be around anymore. Nah, I didn’t change. I grew up… that’s what all of them need to do… grow up. I thought about when Mami came and confronted me about Papi’s whereabouts that night. How dare he have me cover for him. I still did it… but how dare he all the same. Till this day, I still don’t know where he was, I don’t really care. I hate lying so much. It feels like something is on the inside eating away at me every day. I want to tell the truth so bad. But I know I can’t. That’s why I stay away from people.

  When I look around, my mother had Josiah dressed in some mixed matched clothes looking like a bums baby. “Mami… what are you doing?” I take Josiah from her and remove his clothes.

  “Why did you have her over here?”

  “What do you mean?” This whole thing was irritating me. “How can I keep making excuses to not have her come over here? We’re best friends.”

  “You were best friends, Hunter…. Were!” She walked into the kitchen to do dishes and I followed with Josiah in my arms. “There is no way you can lie and cheat a person and still say best friends.”

  “Well I wouldn’t be lying but you’re making me-”

  “I’m making you!” She whirled around and slung soapsuds all over me and Josiah. “Did I make you sleep around with that girl’s boyfriend? Did I make you get pregnant by him?”

  I tried to get up and walk away but she slammed be back into the chair. “You don’t know what it’s like Mami! Yeah I made a mistake… I got pregnant… Okay! So what… lots of girls do! But I’m not allowed to have my baby!” I cried hysterically. This tension has been building fo
r a long time. After I told my mother I was pregnant and didn’t know who the father was, we never spoke of it again. She and I packed up and moved out of state with my grandmother. I was never to tell anyone I was ever pregnant, not even my little brothers. The only people who ever knew was me, my parents, and my grandmother… but she’s gone now.

  “Get out of my eyesight!” I took the invitation and ran into my room.

  I was fuming! My mother just didn’t understand. She didn’t care what I was going through. All she thinks about is herself. I laid Josiah in his crib, propped his bottle on a pillow and let him feed himself.

  My father and I used to have a great father daughter relationship until I got pregnant. When I first got pregnant, the first person I told was my mother. I don’t even think I told Symphony. See again, if she was my friend all like that… maybe I would have told her first. Anyway, when I told my mom, I was too far along to have an abortion. I was hiding it from everybody. Q couldn’t tell because I’d stop sleeping with him when he said I was getting fat.

  Anyway, my mother came up with this idea that since she needed to go take care of my sick grandmother out of state, that I’d go with her and she’d leave the boys with Papi. We didn’t really have a plan, couldn’t really stomach the thought of adoption either. Before we knew it, the baby was born and my abuela had passed. It was so fast it was like my grandmother and Josiah both switched places. Mami was meaning to tell Papi but with grandmother’s death, her and dad’s marital problems… it just got pushed to the back.

  Before we even knew it, my father, and the boys were knocking on the door and we hadn’t even come up with anything yet about the baby. He walks in the house and there was this new edition he didn’t know anything about.

  Mami told him the truth of course, but not the boys… we all thought it was best if they just thought the baby was their brother instead of their nephew. Well they thought it was best. I didn’t have a choice but to go with it.

  Right after the funeral, Papi took the boys and hightailed it back home, leaving my mother, JoJo, and I to fend for ourselves. We had to get grandmother’s affairs in order anyways. I finished my homeschooling there, and we made it back home by late summer.

  It was crazy how I’d been gone for about a year. I still talked to everybody at home every now and then… but when I got back, everyone was still in the same place doing the same thing. It’s like we all just picked back up our “friendship” as if I’d never left. Symphony and I were still “BFF’s”, Quincy, and I were still “Boyfriend/Girlfriend”, and Roman acted as if we’d never slept together.

  Here I was, I had this big life-changing event. Going through actual grown people’s issues and problems… and everyone is still out here playing and having fun sleeping around with no cares at all.

  I hate her! I hate this whole stupid life! I can’t wait until I’m 18! I pick up my cell and hold it in my hand contemplating on if I should just call Roman and tell him the whole truth and nothing but. Forget my parents. What were they going to do? Throw me out? I’d be glad if they did! I dialed Roman’s number. Dangit! It went straight to his voicemail. Should I leave a message? Nah… that’s not something you want to tell someone by recording. I’ll just wait a few more minutes and call him back.

  I hear a sneeze and look at me window. It was Spirit standing there looking back at me. “What are you doing?”

  “Uh, I came back to get Symphony’s jacket… but then I heard you guys arguing and I decided I’d wait it out.”

  “You mean you thought you’d just sit there and listen to it all!” Spirit just continues to stand there with her mouth open. “If you ever tell anybody…”

  ♥♥♥

  NOVEMBER

  25 CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  AMBER STYLES

  How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. ~Wayne Dyer