Fitting In (Is Hard to Do) Semester 1
I CONTEMPLATED EVERY DAY IF I should snoop and read those letters. I had been tempted a couple of times because big head Q can’t leave it alone. If I didn’t know any better you’d think we were talking about his mother instead of mine.
I’ve sat here day after day, wondering why was she locked up and why no one has ever told me. Why did Ma keep this secret from me? What made her think telling me a lie would be better than the truth? It made me wonder what could be worse than, ‘Your mom left you here with me because she didn’t love you.’
I had so many questions running through my head that it was getting hard to sleep at night and concentrate on schoolwork. Why was my mother in jail? I replayed confronting Ma, repeatedly in my head and each time no good came out of any of the scenarios.
I thought about talking to Symphony but she seemed to be preoccupied lately. No way was I talking to Q’s nosey butt, spreading my business everywhere. I’m surprised he hasn’t said anything to anyone about the letters. On second thought, maybe I will talk to Q. He could be maturing since he has kept his mouth shut.
“What’s up?” Jaylen comes into my room and leans up against the wall.
“Sup.” I remove my ear buds and sit on the edge of my bed. The room was silent until Jaylen spoke again.
“So, was you ever goin’ tell me?”
“Tell you what? Jaylen just stands there and stares at me as if I should know what he’s talking about.
“About the letters. What else?”
Ain’t this something! I take back any mature thought I had about Quincy. “What you need me to tell you for when you already got a snitch buddy?”
“So, that how it is?”
“It’s however you want it.”
Silence filled the air again so I ignore Jaylen and play my PlayStation. I turn the sound down low as to not be so rude. I know it’s not Jaylen’s fault.
“Was it anything in there from my mom?”
“I don’t know.”
“What you mean you don’t know?”
“Nigga, just what I said! I-don’t-know!” He was getting out of the pocket with the tone of his voice. “I haven’t read any of them yet.”
He storms out of my room like a mad two-year-old. Man whatever! Bounce with all that. It all mad nonsense. After a few minutes had passed, I got nosey and wondered what he was up to. I found him in Ma’s room fumbling around in the closet.
“Yo man, what you doing?”
“What it look like?”
I really don’t know what this dude’s problem is, but he had better check himself before we be fist to cuffs.
“Where y’all at?” I hear Ma yells as she walks up the steps. We hurry and I help Jaylen shove the box back into the closet and we run to Jaylen’s room because it was the closest.
She peeks her head in the door, “Y’all get ready to come down and eat. I brought back some Church’s Chicken.”
“Okay Grandma, we’ll be down.” After Ma left Jaylen’s room, he say, “How come you ain’t tell me though?”
I ask him how come he ain’t never tell me where he seen ole dude from. He doesn’t answer so I get ready to leave out the door and head downstairs to eat.
“Okay, okay… close the door back.” I close the door and give him my full attention. “In my dreams.”
“What?”
“I seen him… in my dreams.”
“What is you gay now?”
He waves me off now because he’s mad I was making fun of him. Well if he was going to play games so was I. He curls up on his bed and pulls out one of the letter he must have stuff into his pocket. I go to grab it and he snatches it away. We wrestle and fight over it a bit and as soon as I get the letter in my hand, Ma opens the door.
“Quit all that playing around and get on down here because after I wash them dishes up the kitchen is closed. Y’all hear me?”
“Yes ma’am.” We both say in unison.
Jaylen snatches the letter back and places it under his pillow and we both head downstairs to eat.
It took Jaylen and me less than 5 minutes to eat two thighs each, fried okra, mashed potatoes & gravy, and a biscuit. We threw our bones in the trash and put our plates in the sink so we both could hurry back upstairs to read that letter.
“Un unn... Y’all better high-tail y’alls butts back down here and help me.” Man,… she buggin’. “Y’all so in a hurry to play that dang game. Ro, help me with the dishes. J, wipe the table down, sweep the floor, and take that trash out.” Man! I know it sounds like Jaylen had more to do but his would take no time. I however had dishes to do from yesterday! And Ma know when she says help me, she really means do it for me.
Jaylen was done with his work so I had to dang near beg him to help me by rinsing. Within a half hour we were upstairs and opening the letter to read it.
Dear momma,
I don’t know how many times I have to apologize or what I have to do or how many years has to go by before you accept my apology and forgive me.
How is my son? You do tell him about me don’t you? Please tell him I love him and think about him every day.
I know you probably won’t write back because you never do... I just hope everything is okay with you and lil’ Ro.
Tears swelled up in my eyes and believe it or not, I wanted to cry. I don’t know nothing about my mother. I don’t even know what she looks like. Ma don’t have no pictures around here of either of our mothers.
“You think she’s hiding something in that box about my mother?” I wanted to say whatever it was that Jaylen wanted to hear. I wanted him to have some kind of hope that I now had. I wanted to believe my mother did love me. But for some reason, Ma—my grandmother, was lying and hiding it from me. What could my mother have done that was so bad that would make my grandma lie and not forgive her own daughter?
“It’s gotta be J. You see all that stuff in there?” Jaylen nods his head. “Its gotta be… she has to be lying about yours too.”
“You think my mom could be in jail too… like yours?”
“I don’t know J… I don’t know. But whatever it is Ma has got to know something. They were sisters.”
♥♥♥
DECEMBER
28 CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
HUNTER SANTOS
The naked truth is always better than someone's best dressed lie.