Running Wide Open

  “Are you sure? You’ve already put in extra hours this week.”

  “Of course I’m sure.”

  Jake was a muscular, crew-cut guy who looked like he’d make a good Marine. He was pretty old, probably old enough to have kids in college, but he’d always seemed cool enough. He showed me where the tools went then gave me a basic rundown on the projects he and Kasey were involved in.

  “You did a good job today,” he said, “but cleaning parts and sweeping aren’t the only ways you could help.”

  “I don’t know anything about cars.”

  “I’m not talking about cars. I’m talking about your attitude. You need to stop giving everyone such a hard time. Kasey’s got her hands full between looking out for you, running this business, and taking care of Race. Do you have any idea how much pressure she’s under?”

  I thought about the scene at breakfast. It was the only time I’d given her any shit, and I still felt bad about it.

  “I know Kasey acts like she’s tough as nails, but she’s only twenty-three—hardly more than a kid herself. You don’t have any business adding to her stress by throwing temper tantrums.”

  The words seared me deep. I’d been worrying about Kasey for days. Wasn’t it enough that I felt lousy for yelling at her?

  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized Jake was right. As aware as I was of how shook up Kasey had been since the wreck, I hadn’t considered that I might be part of the problem.

  Chapter 21

  The next morning Kasey dropped me off again at Sacred Heart. Apparently Race hadn’t told her I’d run out on him the day before.

  “So you . . . decided to give me . . . another chance,” he said, focusing on me with a vagueness that proved he wasn’t all there.

  “I guess.” I was torn between anger and the need to have things be okay between us. “Y’know, your hair looks like it was attacked by Mothra.”

  Race flashed a weary grin. “Maybe you should bring me a . . . mirror . . . so I can start working on a . . . a . . .” he fumbled for the word.

  “A comb-over?”

  “Yeah.”

  I dropped down in the chair, wondering why it was so hard to let go of being pissed. Kasey had told me to talk to him about it, but I didn’t know how to start. I felt so furious, so betrayed. How could he go making me care about him then almost get himself killed?

  Race shifted around, trying to see me. The effort made him wince, and I felt a twinge of guilt, but it wasn’t enough to make me move the chair into his line of vision.

  “Kasey said you . . . helped yesterday.”

  “Yeah.” I traced a finger over the design on the fabric of the chair.

  “That’s good. . . . She works too hard.”

  I couldn’t argue with that.

  “She’s . . . worried . . . about you.”

  “She said that?” I couldn’t believe Kasey would tell him anything that might stress him out.

  “No. But I can see it. You shouldn’t . . . don’t give her a hard time . . . okay?”

  “I don’t.”

  Race was quiet for a long time, and I didn’t step in to fill the silence. “I owe you an . . . apology,” he said finally. “I screwed up big time.”

  Some mean little part of me couldn’t let him off the hook. I stared down at my feet. Noticing a bit of rubber pulling loose from the side of one of my Converse high tops, I tugged at it. “You can apologize all you want,” I said. “But you’re not getting any sympathy from me.”

  “Kid, I don’t want your . . . sympathy. . . . I just want my life back.”

  “Actions have consequences.” The sliver of rubber ripped away from my shoe, and I rolled it between my fingers.

  “What?”

  “That’s what you told me when I stole that street sign. Actions have consequences.” I flicked the rubber fragment at the floor.

  Race sighed. “I sure was right about that.”

  “Well, it’s not fair. How come me and Kasey have to suffer the consequences for your actions? It isn’t right!”

  Race was quiet.

  All the pain, fear, and anger of the past few days swooped down on me at once. I knew I was about to start crying, and I’d be damned if I’d let him see me do it. Shaking, I shoved away from the chair and went to stand by the window.

  “You didn’t even think about us, did you?” I demanded, staring out at the traffic on Hilyard Street below. “All you cared about was that stupid championship.”

  “That’s not . . . that’s not true, Cody.”

  “It is true! If you cared about us, you never woulda got in that car. You had to know this could happen.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “You should have!” With wetness on my cheeks, I swung around to face him. “You even admitted you needed a new helmet. How stupid could you get?”

  “Cody—”

  “You scared us!”

  “Look, kid—”

  “You coulda died.”

  “I didn’t.”

  “You could have!” Quivering, I turned back toward the window. “You’re such an asshole,” I said, my voice fading to a whisper.

  “I know.”

  I slumped against the wall, overpowered by tears. I couldn’t have stopped them if I wanted to, and I was tired of trying. Race needed to take responsibility. He’d created this mess, and it was his job to make it go away.

  “Cody,” Race’s tone was sharp with distress. “Come over here.”

  I stayed where I was.

  “Damn it, kid . . . don’t . . . do this to me.”

  What was he gonna do about it? He couldn’t come after me.

  “Cody—please.”

  He could beg all he wanted. Let him be the one to feel scared and helpless for a change.

  The crash of metal on metal made me jump, but it wasn’t until I heard Race grunt and swear that I turned around. He was out of bed, clinging to the little wheeled table, and it was rapidly sliding away from him.

  “Are you freakin’ stupid?” I lunged forward to grab it before it could roll any further. But even as I spoke, I knew it was me that was stupid. How many times had I heard that lack of judgment was one of the problems after a head injury? How many times had I been told a repeat trauma in the first six weeks, no matter how minor, could be fatal? Race could’ve messed himself up big-time and it would’ve been my fault.

  Shuddering at the thought, I pulled his arm over my shoulders and helped him sit down. Race collapsed onto the bed, his face damn near as white as the pillowcase. For several moments he lay still, struggling to catch his breath.

  Shit, what if I’d really hurt him?

  “Are you okay?” My voice came out wavery. “You want me to get a nurse or something?”

  “No. Just . . . give me a minute.” He stretched out a hand to feel for the blanket. I tucked it over him. Then I saw the IV needle lying on the bed, slowly dripping to form a wet spot. The pole was jammed sideways between the head of the bed and the wall.

  “Damn it, Race.” The words caught in my throat as I realized what he’d done. “You dumbass.” I flicked the little valve that stopped the flow of liquid.

  “I couldn’t get the . . . . The stupid pole got stuck.”

  I reached for the button to call the nurse, but Race clumsily pushed my hand aside.

  “Kid . . . stop. It can wait. . . . Just sit.”

  Tears blurred the room as I sank onto the edge of the bed. I couldn’t believe what Race had put himself through for me. First the deal with Grandpa, and now this. I sure as hell didn’t deserve that kind of loyalty.

  “Kasey’s gonna kill me,” I said.

  “Kasey’s not gonna . . . find out.”

  Race squeezed my shoulder and I cried harder.

  “I—” The word choked me. “I was so scared, Race.” I pulled my feet up and dug the heels of my sneakers into the bed frame, burying my face in my knees.

  “I?
??m sorry,” Race said. “You just don’t know how . . . sorry I am.” He rubbed my back with clumsy, faltering strokes. “I know I was stupid, I just hope you can . . . forgive me.”

  I swiped at my face, brushing away tears. “Does that mean I can’t be mad? Because I don’t know if I can stop.”

  “No,” Race said. “That’ll just have to . . . go away . . . on its own.”

  * * *

  Race finally let me call a nurse who fixed his IV and lectured him on the foolishness of getting out of bed without help. I felt guilty for letting him take the heat, but I didn’t have the guts to admit to my part in it.

  The exertion had wiped Race out, and I felt bad about that, too. It was my fault he was in so much pain. The stuff the nurse gave him seemed to help, but I could tell it didn’t make it go away entirely.

  As I sat there the rest of the morning, watching him drift in and out of restless sleep, I thought about how close I’d come to really screwing up. Again. Race had been right when he said my temper was gonna get me into trouble. I cringed as I thought of all the crap I’d given him since I’d moved to Eugene. Insulting him, running away, wrecking his van. He’d put up with it and hadn’t held it against me. Hell, he’d bought the Galaxie in spite of it. As I considered that, another sliver of guilt needled my conscience. No matter how much a helmet might cost, it couldn’t be as much as what he’d paid for the Galaxie.

  Well, there was nothing I could do about that now. But I wouldn’t let him down again. From here on, I wasn’t gonna let anything come between us—especially not my temper. Somehow, I’d figure out how to get a handle on that. If my sensei and Alex both said it could be done, it must be possible.

  At noon I took off to help Kasey at the shop. She made things more interesting this time by letting me assist her with some simple jobs. Even though it would’ve been faster to do them herself, she didn’t seem to mind teaching me. My hand ached from yesterday’s workout, but I managed to do everything she asked.

  Late in the afternoon, the phone interrupted Kasey for probably the hundredth time.

  “Cody,” she said. “It’s for you. Your mom.”

  I didn’t want to talk to her, and it turned out I didn’t really have to. In her usual fashion she babbled on about me coming to Phoenix as if my life hadn’t come crashing to a halt Saturday night.

  “Your grandmother seems to think you need to stay there, but I can’t see how you’d want that. All that drama at the hospital, and then having to live with a stranger. Did she even ask what you wanted? Wouldn’t you rather be here with me?”

  “No,” I said. “I want to stay with Race. He needs me.”

  “Race doesn’t need anyone. Never has. He’s snubbed the family his whole life.”

  “That’s not true—you guys snubbed him. Don’t you care about him at all? He’s your brother. Damn it, Mom, he almost died!”

  The line was quiet for a few seconds, then, “Well, what did you expect? He drives a race car. It’s a dangerous hobby.”

  Outrage rippled through me and I throttled the phone, wanting to throw it across the room. It took all my willpower to reach out with one finger and push the button that broke the connection. I stood there for almost a minute with a dial tone buzzing in my ear and the handset clutched in a death grip. Then Kasey was beside me, one hand on my shoulder, the other patiently extended.

  “Give me the phone, Cody.”

  I was clenching it so hard it hurt to relax my fingers.

  Kasey placed the phone back in its cradle and put her arms around me. “I think it would be best if you didn’t talk to her for a while.”

  No problem there. I never wanted to speak to my mother again.

  * * *

  Friday on her way to work, Kasey dropped me off to hang out with Race. He looked more alert than he had the day before, though he still seemed distracted, like part of him was caught up in dealing with pain. I noticed a couple of flower arrangements on the table and windowsill and wondered who’d visited last night. I hadn’t seen anyone when I’d come back to the hospital with Kasey after dinner, but then I’d stayed out in the waiting area. Race was exhausted that late in the day, and I knew Kasey was the only person he wanted around when he felt that bad.

  “So how’s life in the Hotel Sacred Heart?” I asked.

  “It sucks, kid. I wouldn’t put it on my . . . on my vacation itinerary if I were you.”

  “I’ll make a note of that.” I tossed a package of Twinkies on the bed. “Here. I figured you’d be jonesin’ for these by now. I was gonna bring your Jimmy Buffett tape, but I wanted to spare the nurses.”

  “Thanks.” Race fumbled with the plastic, finally grabbing the bag with both hands and ripping it open with his teeth. “Hey, they’re frozen.”

  “Well, yeah. That’s how you like ’em, right?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “Just don’t let Kasey catch you with those. She’d prob’ly say something like ‘Twinkies don’t provide the proper building blocks for restoring neural pathways.’”

  Race laughed as I slid the chair over to within view of the bed and sat down.

  “Is it Friday?” he asked. “I keep losing track of time.”

  “Yeah. Kasey has to work tomorrow—she’s got a bunch of mechanics to interview—but I’ll come keep you company.” I knew it was gonna really be rough on him, being stuck here while everyone else was at the track.

  “You don’t have to . . . feel sorry for me.”

  “Who says I do?”

  “It’s written all over your face. I can deal with the fact that there’s a race tomorrow. Anyway, this is only . . . temporary. I’ll be back out there this season, no matter what everybody thinks.”

  I believed him. He’d already defied the odds, and wasn’t attitude half the battle? I didn’t understand how he could be so optimistic, but it sure impressed me. I’d have been sniveling like a two year old if this had happened to me.

  Race quietly finished his Twinkies, then his face went serious. “Cody, if I ask you something will you give me a straight answer?”

  “Sure,” I said, uneasiness swelling inside me.

  “I want to know about the . . . wreck.”

  “Didn’t Kasey tell you?”

  “She told me it was nobody’s fault, but I’d already guessed that. I need to know what happened.”

  I didn’t much want to talk about it, and since Kasey hadn’t told him, I wondered if I should. But didn’t he have a right to know?

  “It really was an accident,” I said, explaining how he’d gotten sideways and Tom Carey had clipped him.

  Bewilderment clouded my uncle’s face. “Tom Carey?”

  I swallowed hard. “White #68 Camaro.” No matter how many times I had to fill the holes in Race’s memory, it never got easier.

  “Getting hit by him isn’t what messed you up, though. It was when—” and now I realized why Kasey hadn’t told him, “—when Jim hit you in the driver’s door.”

  Race closed his eyes, drawing a long, slow breath. “Well, that explains a lot. Denny and some of the other guys have been here to see me, but not Jim. I wondered . . .”

  “It wasn’t his fault,” I said, even though I wanted to kick Jim’s ass for bailing on Race. “He tried to throw his car sideways, he just didn’t have a chance.”

  “Things happen on the track. A lot of times it’s nobody’s fault.”

  I realized we’d made it through a whole conversation with him stopping only a few times to search for a word. Maybe he’d be lucky and skate out of this without any lasting problems.

  I heard a noise in the hall and glanced up to see Grandma standing in the doorway.

  “Good morning,” she said as she came in. Looking at Race she added, “I’m sorry about your father. I shouldn’t have brought him. He cares, he’s just too stubborn to show it.”

  “Somehow I find that hard to believe,” Race muttered.

  “I know it’s not easy for you to see, but
he never meant to be cruel. All those times he was harsh when you were growing up he was only trying to protect you—to teach you how to survive in a difficult world.”

  Grandma eyed me meaningfully, and I realized she expected me to be a gentleman and give her my seat. I relinquished the chair.

  “I suppose that’s how you . . . justify . . . never standing up to him,” Race said.

  “He never hurt you. You were never abused.”

  “And that makes what he did okay? Damn it, when are you gonna stop . . . defending him?” Race’s eyes flashed like the sparks from a welder.

  Grandma sighed and shook her head. “I know I’ve made mistakes. I’m trying to make up for them now. But I can’t change the past.”

  “I’m not asking you to. I just want you to stop making excuses for him.”

  Grandma met Race’s eyes, saying nothing, but giving him the slightest nod.

  “Maybe you should go,” he said. “I don’t have the energy for this.”

  “No, Race. We need to talk.”

  “About what?” The note of irritability in Race’s tone deepened.

  “About where you and Cody will live once you’ve left the hospital. Kasey has voiced some concern about the two of you going back to your trailer. I have to agree.”

  Race gave her a stony look.

  “Even if that weren’t a factor, there’s the issue of money. Do you have any idea how far behind you can get by missing just a few weeks of work?”

  “Mom, please.”

  “No.” She held up a hand to silence him. “I can’t in good conscience leave you and Cody alone in this situation.”

  Fear rose up in me. “You’re not gonna let Mom take me to Phoenix, are you?”

  “What’s this about . . . Phoenix?” Race’s voice was sharp as a Ginsu knife, and he looked from one of us to the other.

  “Saundra suggested it might be better if Cody were with her. I set her straight, of course—you’ve done more for the boy than she ever has. But I have to know he’ll be safe.”

  “I take good care of Cody.”

  “I know you have so far, but at this point you’re not even capable of taking care of yourself.”

  Race started to protest, but Grandma talked right over him. “Kasey and I have discussed the situation and we’ve come up with a solution. You can move in with her for the next month or so, and I’ll loan you whatever money you need to pay your bills until you get back to work.”