Fighting to Breathe

  “You, too,” I say as I watch him walk to the bedroom door, closing it behind him as he leaves.

  Getting out of bed a few hours later, I make my way down to the kitchen and turn on the radio while I make myself a cup of coffee. Bending double over the counter, I sip my coffee and make a list of things I need to get done today. I need to get the water and electricity turned on at my office, then stop at the grocery store to pick up the basics for the house, and to see if any of the shops in town have any canisters for the kitchen, because Austin doesn’t have any. Knowing now that this is going to be my home too, I want to put my touch on it.

  I also needed to get stools for the island, but I have a feeling we’re going to have to make a trip to Anchorage for those. Lifting my head, I look at the open living room and smile as I see the almost blank canvas of the house. I can’t wait to make this our home.

  Taking my coffee with me, I head back upstairs and shower. Once out I tie my hair up on top of my head, not bothering with blowing it out or makeup. Going to the closet I find a pair of jeans and a plain red t-shirt and put them on before taking my cup with me back downstairs, setting the cup in the sink, and slipping on my boots by the door. Looking out the window noticing large black clouds I grab my raincoat then pick up my bag and car keys and head to my car.

  Pulling into the parking lot of the grocery store, I look up through my windshield and watch as the storm clouds turn the sky even darker as they roll in.

  I had been at the electric company when the girl who was turning on the power at my office told me the coastguard had made an announcement. There is a storm coming in and they predict gale-force winds, and waves fifteen-to-twenty feet high.

  Opening the door, the wind whips inside, making me shiver. I tuck my bag under my arm, and get out quickly running across the parking lot, using my raincoat as a shield against the wind as I make it into the store.

  “Hey, Lea,” Dan, the manager of the store, says as I set my items on the conveyer belt.

  “Hi, Dan, how are you? How’s Jane?”

  “Good.” He smiles gently. Dan and his wife were the first to stop by after my passed away, to bring me food.

  “Good,” I repeat, sliding my card through the card reader.

  “Is Austin heading into port?” he asks, looking out the window. I follow his eyes and see the sky has gotten impossibly darker since I came inside the store.

  “He should be. I guess the coastguard sent out a warning,” I tell him as a niggle of worry begins to run through me.

  “Tell him we say hi.”

  “I will, and when you and Jane get time, we should have dinner.”

  “Jane would like that,” he says softly, handing me my bags. “Get home safe.”

  “I will.” I smile leaving the store and running back across the parking lot.

  Rain starts pouring down in sheets as I turn on my car, making it hard to see, even with the wipers on full-blast. I drive slowly home, being extra cautious, which turns a fifteen-minute drive into a thirty-minute one. When I reach the house, I’m surprised that Austin’s truck isn’t parked under the deck in his usual spot. I figured with the warning out he would have been home by now. Trying not to think about it, I head inside to put groceries away.

  “What the hell?” I look at the clock, realizing it’s been two hours since I arrived home. Picking up the house phone off the counter, I dial the number for Austin’s satellite phone and listen as it rings over and over again. “He’s probably docking, Lea. Get a grip,” I tell myself, setting the phone down and turning on the TV. Nervousness begins to settle deep inside of me as I watch the Weather Channel.

  An hour later, after pacing the floor and calling Austin repeatedly, I dial Rhonda to see if she’s heard anything from Ben. “Hey, did Ben make it in?” I ask her as soon as she answers, not even giving her a chance to speak.

  “He just docked and said he would be home soon. Are you okay?” she asks, sounding worried.

  “I can’t get ahold of Austin. Can you ask Ben if he’s heard from him, or seen him?” I inquire, stopping to look out the window.

  “Honey,” she whispers, and I shake my head. I don’t like that tone; it makes me feel like I’m dumb for worrying.

  “Just let me know if he’s heard from him, please,” I say, hanging up, not waiting to hear her reply. Tears start to fill my eyes, but I choke them down, whispering over and over, “It’s okay. He’s okay,” as I pace back and forth with the phone in my hand, clinging to it like a lifeline, and then almost drop it when the ringing startles me.

  “Austin?” I breathe, pressing the phone to my ear.

  “Lea, it’s Ben.”

  My heart sinks and my eyes go to the window, not actually seeing anything as I look outside. “Have you heard from him?” I ask as my hands start to shake.

  “No, I tried to use the CB, but I couldn’t get through.”

  “Oh, God.” Bile crawls up the back of my throat, and I’m sure I’m going to be sick.

  “I’m sure he’s fine, Lea. He probably dropped anchor and is waiting out the storm.”

  “You’re probably right,” I whisper as my eyes squeeze shut. “If you hear from him, will you please call me?”

  “He’s okay, Lea.”

  “I know.” He has to be. There is no other option. My heart couldn’t take any more loss as it is. The fragile pieces Austin had put back together again are far too splintered to make it through anything else.

  “Why don’t you come hang out with us at the house until he gets home?”

  “No, it’s okay,” I say, walking over to the wall of windows, watching as the storm beats mercilessly against the sea.

  “Do you want us to come to you?” Ben asks, sounding almost panicked.

  “No, I’ll be fine. Kiss Rhonda and Braden for me.” I hang up, hearing Ben curse before the phone clicks off.

  I sit down on the couch and continue to press redial over and over on the phone as I watch the storm outside. Every time he doesn’t answer, my worry increases until I’m practically vibrating with anxiety as I sit there with the phone in my hand.

  “Hello?” I answer the phone when it rings.

  “Lea.”

  “Oh, Ben.”

  “Hey, I just wanted to tell you there are a few boats that are docked near Shelter Bay. I’m sure that’s where Austin is.”

  “How do you know?” I practically beg.

  “It’s where most of the boats went that were too far out to make it to port,” he explains.

  “But you’re not sure Austin is with them, right?”

  “No,” he mutters, and that sinking feeling in my chest grows even bigger.

  “He’s not answering,” I tell him, wiping my cheeks.

  “I’m sure the storm is making it hard for him to get a signal.”

  “You’re probably right,” I say, but even to my own ears my tone sounds defeated.

  “Lea, he’ll come home.”

  “Okay,” I tell him, holding the phone to my ear as I lie on the couch, facing the windows. “Call if you hear from him.”

  I hang up then dial Austin’s number again, begging him to answer, only he doesn’t. No matter how many times I call, he doesn’t answer, and every time, I feel myself sinking deeper into the darkness until I’m drowning in it.

  “Lea, baby.”

  I feel myself being shaken and my eyes fly open. Austin is in front of me, wearing what he had on when he left this morning, only his clothes are soaked and his hair is wet.

  “You came home.” I throw myself into his arms as a sob rips from my chest.

  “Of course I did, baby.” His arms slide easily around me and he moves, sitting with me as I cry into his shirt, trying to reassure myself he’s with me, that he’s okay, but no matter what I do, it’s not working. I want to tell him I’m scared, that I don’t know if I can do this, but no words come out. All I can do I sit there and cry.

  “Let’s go to bed,” he says softly, picking me up and carry
ing me upstairs. Once we reach the room, he gets me undressed and puts me in bed. Tears continue to silently fall from my eyes as I watch him remove his clothes, then scoot back when he lifts the blankets, climbing into bed and wrapping himself around me.

  “I love you, Lea,” he says, making me cry harder as his arms wrap tighter around me, and he whispers soothing words as he rubs my back.

  I lie there until the sun begins to rise, Austin’s breath has evened out, and his hand has stopped moving over me. Rolling over, I slowly slip out of his arms, not even giving myself a chance to look at him one last time before I go to the closet and pull one of his shirts off the shelf. I slip it on over my head then find my sweats, pulling them on before making my way quietly out of the room, shutting the door behind me.

  The endless stream of tears hasn’t let up since last night, and I try to fight them back as I head out to my car, but I can barely see as I start my engine and drive back through town. When I reach my parents’ house, I physically have to hold myself together as I go inside. Shutting the door, my legs give out, so I roll myself into a ball on the floor and cry.

  Waking up, it takes a moment to realize I’m lying on the floor and that there is someone knocking on the door. Getting to my feet, I pull the door open a crack and look outside, coming face-to-face with a woman I don’t recognize.

  “Lea?” she says, looking concerned.

  “Can I help you?”

  “I’m Elza. I work for Mr. Douglas. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you, but I haven’t been able to reach you by phone since we last spoke, so I wanted to stop by and see if I could catch you at home.”

  Home? I’m not home. My home is with Austin, I think, feeling a fresh wave of tears fill my eyes.

  “If it’s too much, I can come back another time,” she says softly, studying my tear-stained face.

  “No, please, it’s okay.” I move back from the door as she enters, then lead her into the living room, sitting across from her on the chair.

  “There isn’t much to go over.” She smiles, pulling out a folder, and begins going over my mom’s assets and information about the house.

  I don’t even really hear her as she talks. I need to go back to Austin. Even if I was told the future and found out he would die tomorrow, I would want to spend every minute with him that I can. I can’t live without him.

  “There is also a letter from your mom,” she says, and my eyes finally focus on her.

  “A letter?”

  “Yes, sorry, I didn’t know about it until this morning when I gathered your stuff together. If I had known, I would have sent this stuff in the mail,” she apologizes as she hands me a white envelope with my name scrolled across the front in my mom’s handwriting.

  “It’s okay,” I mutter, unable to look away from envelope in my hands.

  “If you need anything, don’t be afraid to call,” she says, and I nod, holding the letter to my chest as I follow behind her to the door.

  “Thank you, Elza.”

  She looks at me over her shoulder and smiles, muttering a goodbye as I close the door behind her. Leaning back against the door I pull the envelope open, carefully removing the letter and unfolding it.

  My dear, beautiful girl,

  If you’re reading this, it means my time here is over and I’ve moved on to my next adventure.

  I wish we’d had more time. That I would have had more time to tell you how proud I am of you, how amazed I am by the woman you’ve become. That every day I spent with you, I realized I had done something right while I was alive.

  I also want to apologize; I want to tell you how sorry I am for not being stronger when you needed me to be. When your dad died, half of me died with him. From that day on, I tried to be courageous, but I was so scared that I let that feeling suffocate me.

  I didn’t want to see you suffer the same fate as me. I didn’t want to have to look into your eyes if something happened to Austin, so I did what I thought was right. I did what my heart told me to do.

  I know the kind of man Austin is, and I know he probably hasn’t told you what I did, because he doesn’t want you to hate me, but I lied to you both. I let my own fears hurt you more than losing him ever could have.

  Austin looked for you, honey. He never stopped. Lord knows I threatened him to stay away, but he always came back, begging me to tell him where you were. He never stopped, until I told him you moved on, that you were happy without him and he needed to find his own happiness.

  That day, I saw a light go off in his eyes, the same light I saw extinguished in yours when I told you the same thing.

  I’m so sorry I was a coward, and I hope with time you can forgive me.

  I know if you and Austin can work things out, you two will be happy. You deserve to be happy.

  I love you, Lea. You were what kept me alive, when I felt like giving up. Now it’s time for you to find your own light. You are the best of both me and your dad, and know that we are proud of you.

  Love, Mom.

  Whimpering fresh tears fall from my eyes as I watch the letter float to the floor.

  Chapter 15

  Austin

  Reaching out for Lea, I come up empty and my eyes fly open. She’s never left the bed before me, and judging by the feel of the cold sheets, she’s been gone awhile. Last night, when I got home and found her curled into a ball on the couch, with her cheeks wet with tears and the lost look in her eyes. I knew this was the point I had been dreading, the point when I was forced to make her face her fears. I’m not her dad. Yes, men die every day on the ocean, but the chance of something happening to me is as likely as me getting hit by a car while crossing the street.

  Last night, I knew she wasn’t in the right headspace to talk about what happened, but I stupidly assumed she would be here so we could talk about it this morning.

  “Fuck,” I clip, putting my feet on the floor, then pick up my jeans and stand to pull them on. “Lea!” I roar, opening the bedroom door, only to be greeted by silence as I make my way downstairs to the kitchen, tugging my shirt on over my head as I go.

  I’m going to kiss her and tell her it will be okay then spank her for this, for running out on me.

  I wasn’t lying when I told Ken I wouldn’t let her go. She is mine and would always be mine, even if she has to go out on the boat with me every time I go, so that—God forbid—we die together, then so be it.

  I grab my keys from the counter and head down to my truck, getting in, starting it up, doing a U-turn in the driveway, and then head towards her parents’ house.

  Turning on the wipers as the rain falls harder, I curse under my breath when I see parts of the road have been flooded from the storm. I know Lea had been crying most of the night, and I’m sure she was a mess when she left the house before I woke up. Knowing she drove in that state, with the weather this bad, only serves to piss me off more. Her car isn’t a piece of shit, but it doesn’t have four-wheel drive, and something could easily happen to her.

  Seeing headlights coming toward me, I slow down then notice its Lea’s car. Flashing my lights, I put my foot on the brake and pull off to the side of the road. Her car comes to a stop a few feet in front of my truck, and before I can even open my door, she’s out of her car, running towards me, her face red and blotched with tears, but the look in her eyes is what causes my gut to clench. She looks sad, yes, but her light is back. My feet hit the muddy ground as her body runs full-force into mine, knocking the breath out of me before I have a chance to prepare myself for impact.

  “I’m sorry,” she cries as her nails dig into my skin through my shirt. “I left you again. I’m so sorry.” She sobs as rain beats down on us, soaking through our clothes.

  “Baby,” I say softly, running my hand over the back of her wet hair and holding her closer to me.

  “You don’t un-under-st-stand I’m so afraid of being left that I believed if I left first, it wouldn’t hurt as bad, th-that I would be okay, but I’m n-not.” Her head burrows into
my chest and her arms tighten around me.

  “I’m not letting you go, Lea,” I tell her, dipping my head towards her ear. “I’m never letting you go, not again.”

  Her head tilts back and her sad, wet eyes blink up at me as the rain falls down, washing away her tears. I hold her cheeks between my hands and lower my head, kissing her, needing her to understand I love her and haven’t given up on us.

  “Let’s get you home,” I say, pressing my forehead to hers, feeling her nod.

  “My car,” she hiccups as I help her into the truck.

  “You’re in no shape to drive, Lea. I’m gonna pull it off to the side of the road and come back for it later,” I tell her, wiping away a few of her tears.

  She nods, ducking her head, looking at her lap. Placing my fingers under her chin I pull up until her gaze meets mine. “I love you, Lea.” I tell her gently.

  “You shouldn’t,” she whispers, breaking my heart.

  “It’s impossible not to. Whatever we have to do, we’ll do it in order for this not to happen again,” Pulling back from her I turn up the heat when I notice that her teeth are chattering hard. Shutting the door I go to her car, backing it up off the side of the road. Once I’m back in the truck again, I make a U-turn and head back to the house.

  I don’t know how to deal with what is going on in her head, but I know I need to find a way to break through to her. This is something her mother should have gotten her help for. She should have made sure her daughter was taken care of. I know it’s completely fucked up to be mad at a dead woman, but I’m so fucking angry with her for not only what she did to me and Lea, but for the way she fed Lea’s illness, never understanding she wasn’t helping her by allowing her to ignore the real reason she had left home.

  “I know you’re mad at me.” Lea’s soft, sad voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and I take her hand in mine, locking our fingers together.