Fighting to Breathe

  “You know it’s been coming to an end for a while.”

  “Interesting,” he mutters, and I raise a brow, indicating for him to continue. “Nothing, Wolf.” He shakes his head, smirking. I know what he’s thinking, only he’s wrong. Lea and I aren’t kids anymore, and the only thing I have to offer her is friendship.

  *

  Lea

  I look around Ben and Rhonda’s backyard and force a smile at yet another person as they walk past me into the house. Since showing up here an hour ago, I’ve received a lot of looks—most of them pity. I’ve also received a lot of smiles—most of them just as fake as the ones I was giving.

  Growing up in this town held its benefits. The community was close-knit, everyone knew everyone, and if there ever came a time you needed something, there was always someone around to help you out. The thing that made this town special was the thing that was working against me now: everyone knew Austin. He was well liked, and so was his family. I knew people spoke about me leaving, that they probably knew about Austin and my history, and more than likely, they hated me just as much as he did.

  “I’m sorry about your mom.” I turn my head and look up at Ben, who is holding a beer in his hand. “And I’m sorry about the way I spoke to you.”

  “Thank you, and it’s okay,” I tell him, but my insides get tight.

  “How are you holding up?” He asks folding his large body into the chair next to mine.

  I give him a shaky smile and shrug; I’m not sure how to answer that. Right now, I’m doing okay. Later tonight, when I crawl into bed and my brain has a chance to take over, that will be a different story. “Okay, I guess.”

  “You don’t seem okay to me.”

  “I’m working on it.” I say truthfully. I am working on being okay. I want to give my mom what she wants. I want her to see me happy; she deserves that much.

  “Why aren’t you inside?” he questions putting his beer to his mouth and tilting it back.

  Because Austin’s inside, I think.

  I knew that Austin—being Ben’s best friend—would be here today, but just like every other time I’ve seen him, nothing could prepare me for actually being in his presence. I expected him to glare at me when our eyes connected as I walked into the house, carrying Rhonda’s gift, but instead, he surprised me by taking the large package from my arms and giving me a smile. That’s when I figured out what he was doing. He was being nice, because people were around, but that didn’t mean his smile didn’t do something to my insides, causing them to light up.

  “I like the fresh air,” I say then smile a real smile when a little girl runs by, followed by a boy with something in his hand that has her screaming loudly to stay away from her. “Why are you out here?” I ask, looking at him.

  “I wanted to come check on you.” He must read the disbelief on my face, because he sits back in his chair and runs a hand over the top of his head, and then his mouth moves to say something, when he’s cut off.

  “Want another beer?” I pull my eyes from Ben to look at Austin, who’s standing in the doorway of the back deck, with his hands on either side of the frame, causing his shirt to pull tight across his broad chest.

  “Nah, man. I’m good,” Ben says, and then Austin’s gaze comes to me, so I sit up a little taller, just in case he delivers another blow like the one the other night.

  “You want some more wine?” he asks, dipping his head towards the table, where my wine glass sits empty.

  “Um…” I blink, because he’s talking to me and there is no anger, no emotion in his eyes.

  “Babe,” he calls, and I blink again.

  “No.” I clear my throat. “Thank you, but I have to drive mom home later.”

  “I can give you a ride,” he offers and I feel my jaw drop open.

  “Pardon?” I finally get out when I find my voice.

  “If you want to have another glass, I can give you a ride.”

  “No, but thank you.” I smile and his eyes drop to my mouth, and that’s when I see anger, only I’m confused by what caused it.

  “Rhonda wants to open gifts. You two should come in.” He pushes off the doorjamb then turns, disappearing from sight, leaving me confused by what just happened.

  “This should be interesting,” Ben mutters from my side, and I swing my eyes from the door to him.

  “What should be interesting?” I ask as a sinking feeling settles in my gut.

  “Stick around long enough and I’m sure you’ll find out.” He tilts back his beer, finishing it off, then stands, and without giving me a choice, he pulls me up from the chair I was sitting on and drags me inside to sit on the couch with Austin, where I attempt to watch Rhonda open her gifts. I fail miserably, because Austin is close enough that his scent seeps into my pores and his warmth radiates into my side.

  “Your cheeks look a little flushed,” my mom says, tilting her head to look at me as she hands me a piece of cake, then takes a seat next to me.

  “It’s hot in here,” I explain, ignoring Austin, who’s still sitting next to me, but now he’s closer because I had to make room for my mom to sit.

  “Are you feeling okay?” Austin asks, and I turn my head to look at him, then my lips part as his hand comes up to press against my forehead, causing tingles to shoot through me.

  “I’m fine,” I assure him, leaning away from his touch.

  “You’re burning up.” He frowns, causing a crease to form between his brows that my fingers itch to smooth out.

  “I’m not.” I place a hand on my cheek, feeling heat warm my palm. “Okay, maybe I’m a little warm.”

  “You need to leave,” He growls, and tears sting my nose at his harsh tone. I didn’t know I was sick when I came here today, and I sure as hell didn’t come here sick on purpose.

  “Come on.” He takes my hand and pulls me up from the couch. I want to kick him in the shin, but I don’t, because there are people watching us. So I allow him to tug me towards the front of the house, jerking from his hold when we reach the front door. “Josie, you can stay if you like, but Lea needs to leave.” Austin tells my mom as she walks out of the kitchen,

  Oh, my God, he is such a fricking asshole! I’m sick, but it’s not like I have Ebola! I swear, if there weren’t people around, I would lay him out.

  “Do you want me to come with you, honey?”

  My mom’s softly spoken question cuts through some of the anger in me, and I shake my head before saying, “No, stay. I know you’ve been looking forward to this.”

  “Are you sure?” She asks searching my face like I’m lying, which is almost comical because she is the one with months to live and yet here she is worried about me when all I probably have is a cold.

  “Will you be okay here?” I ask ignoring her question.

  “I’ll be fine don’t worry about me just get some sleep, I’ll get a ride home with Margret.”

  “You’re sure.”

  “Get my baby home safe.” She glares at Austin making me cringe.

  “See you later.” I lean in then stop myself from kissing her cheek. Her immune system is weak already, and catching whatever I have would do her no good.

  “See you in a bit.”

  I pull my keys out of my pocket and elbow Austin in the ribs hard, causing him to inhale sharply. “Oh, sorry,” I say like I didn’t do it on purpose, but his eyes narrow, telling me he isn’t buying it. Whatever. I move past him to the front door, swing it open, and then step outside and down the three steps onto the driveway.

  “My truck’s over here,” Austin says, grabbing my hand and startling me.

  “I’m driving myself.” I frown, wondering what he’s up to. He’s been nice—well, except for making me leave the party. Then again, the more time that passes, the worse I feel. I probably would have realized I was sick if I hadn’t been so caught up in being next to Austin again.

  “I’m not letting you drive, babe.” He shakes his head.

  “Stop calling me babe.” I clench
my fist. He didn’t call me that before, and I’m not sure how I feel about him calling me that now. It feels impersonal, yet every time the word leaves his mouth, my body reacts involuntary.

  A smirk lifts the corner of his lips and his hand shoots out, wrapping around my wrist, stopping me from going to my car. “Little Lamb, please stop being difficult and let me take you home.”

  My chest burns. The nickname he’d given me when we were dating was something I had forgotten about. I was his Little Lamb, and he was the Big Bad Wolf. People would joke about our last names often, but he would tell me it was fate. I tug free from his hold then jerk my head slightly, indicating I would follow him. I want to get this over with; I need to be away from him and alone.

  Once we get to his truck, he opens the passenger side door, and waits until I’m inside and buckled to shut it and jog around the front. The air inside smells like him, making me want to either roll down the window, or hold my breath, trapping his scent inside my lungs.

  “I’m gonna stop and get you some medication,” he says as the truck roars to life. I turn my head to look at him, wondering where the guy went who stood on the front porch mere days ago telling me he hated me. That Austin, I could handle; this guy here, being nice to me, is not something I’m ready for.

  “I just need to take some Tylenol and sleep.” I put my head to the cool glass of the window and close my eyes, waking up when I feel the truck come to a stop. When I open my eyes I notice that were not at my house but at the store.

  “I’ll be back.”

  I lift my head and watch him run into the local grocery store, coming back out fifteen minutes later carrying two large bags.

  “What did you buy?”

  “Soup, orange juice, cold and flu medication, and I rented you a couple movies—Horrible Bosses and Dumb and Dumber 2. I figured you still like comedies.” Tears begin to fill my eyes, and I dig my nails into my palms to fight them back. Ken never took care of me when I was sick, and one thing I know for certain is had my life been different and I had stayed with Austin, he would have insisted.

  “That wasn’t necessary.” I clear my throat when the words come out on a croak.

  “It’s not a big deal.” He shrugs, putting the bags on the bench seat between us. As soon as we pull up in front of my mom’s house, I get out of the truck then find the keys in my pocket, opening the door to the house.

  “Why don’t you go get your pajamas on and I’ll make you some soup.” He asks softly making that pain I was feeling earlier come back tenfold. I couldn’t do this with him. I couldn’t have a front row seat to what life would have been like if I stayed at home.

  “No, thanks. I’m just going to get into bed.” I say wanting him to just leave already.

  “I think you should eat something. You didn’t eat at the party.”

  “No, thanks,” I repeat.

  “Go get on your pajamas, then come sit down and eat some food.”

  “You can’t tell me what to do.” I mutter watching his jaw start to tick. How someone pissed off can be hot I have no Idea but he seriously looks good angry.

  “Stop being a pain in the ass, Lea, and just do what you’re told. You’re sick, and you need to eat something so you can take some medication,” he growls.

  “Fine.” I toss my arms up in the air and stomp down the hall like a teenager, into my room, and slam the door, then pull stuff out of my suitcase onto the floor until I find a pair of sleep shorts and one of my old work out t-shirts that’s three sizes too big. When I get back into the kitchen, Austin has a bowl of soup sitting on the table, along with some crackers and a glass of orange juice.

  I’m never going to admit I like being looked after by him, but when I sit down and he comes over to sit with me, handing me a couple pills, a small glimmer of hope alights deep inside of me. Not hope that Austin and I will get back together, but hope that I can right the wrong I had done to him and he will somehow accept my friendship and my apology when I think the time is right to give it. “Thank you for bringing me home and making me food.”

  His feet stretch out in front of him and his arms crossed over his chest, he grunts but doesn’t say anything. We sit there until my bowl is empty, then my eyes start to feel heavy.

  “The medication was for PM. I can see it in your eyes that you haven’t been sleeping much, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt if you took it now.”

  “Since Ken, and now Mom, my brain hasn’t really had a time to shut down,” I say without thinking then want to take the words back as anger once again appears in his eyes. When he’s pissed at me, I don’t have to worry about the way my heart feels when we’re in the same room. At least that’s a plus.

  “Go to bed. I’m gonna head home.”

  “Sure,” I nod, he doesn’t say anything else, just leaves through the door, letting it softly click closed behind him. I look around my mom’s house and take in the silence, wondering how I’m going to do it when she’s gone and this becomes my norm.

  Chapter 4

  Lea

  “Are you ready to go?”

  “Yep.” I smile at my mom then grab the bunch of red balloons that were floating in the kitchen before following her out of the house to her SUV, where I shove them all into the backseat.

  “How many people are coming?” I question as I drive down to the dock, where there are cars jammed into the parking lot.

  “I’m not sure. I know a lot of people wanted to join us when they found out what we were doing.” She mutters absently looking around while my heart fills with warmth at her words. I knew a lot of people loved my dad but seeing how many showed up to say goodbye with us is almost overwhelming.

  “We should have done this a long time ago,” I say quietly, reaching over to squeeze her hand.

  “I should have been stronger,” she says, and I hear tears in her voice as she gives me a squeeze back.

  “You did the best you could, Mom.”

  “When I go, honey, I don’t want you to hold onto that pain. I want you to breathe through it and move on with your life don’t do what I did.”

  “I’m not sure it’s going to be that easy.”

  “You need to make it that easy honey,” she says, opening her door and getting out before I have a chance to say anything else. Taking a deep breath, I pull the balloons from the backseat then follow her.

  “Holy crap,” I whisper, taking in the scene before me. Five boats are docked side-by-side, each of them with at least twenty people onboard. I make my way down to Ben’s boat, and my heart begins to hammer in my chest when I see Austin. His hand is out, helping my mom aboard.

  “Give me your hand baby.” Austin calls and I hadn’t even realized I was standing froze in place near the edge of the boat.

  “I.” His hand shoots out wrapping around my wrist before I can back away then he puts one foot on the dock and lifts me over the ledge of the boat. When my feet touch the floor his face dips towards mine.

  “Are you okay?”

  I lift my eyes to him and feel my lip tremble at the concerned look in his gaze.

  “I’m okay.”

  “You’re lying.”

  “I know,” I agree, trying to pull free from his embrace.

  “I want you to come over tonight.” He says and all worries about being on the boat are forgotten.

  “Why?” I lower my voice. “We’re not friends, Austin. You told me that straight up, so there is no reason for us to spend time together.”

  “I lied; I don’t hate you. I wanted to hate you—my life would have been easier if I could have—but I don’t. I never have. I want to be your friend, Lea. I think you could use a friend right now.” Maybe in another lifetime I could have been his friend, but there’s too much history between us now.

  I watch pain flash in his eyes as he whispers, “She hasn’t told you.”

  “Pardon?”

  “Honey, we’re pulling off. Do you want to come inside with me?” my mom breaks in.

  Austin??
?s eyes go to her and he looks like he wants to say something, but thinks better of it before telling me, “Go on inside. You shouldn’t be out in the cold.”

  I want to ask him what he meant when he said she hasn’t told me, but the boat starts up and he turns his back on me, leaning over the side and pulling off the rope that keeps us tethered to the dock. I follow my mom into the wheelhouse, where Rhonda and Ben are, but I don’t take my eyes off Austin as he stands on the deck, looking out at the water, a million emotions playing across his face.

  “What was Austin saying?” Rhonda asks, and I look at her, seeing concern in her eyes.

  “He asked me to come over tonight,” I tell her without thinking about the other people with us. I’m still caught off guard by his request.

  “You should go,” my mom chimes in, causing my gaze to go to her. “It would be good for you to get out of the house.” She may be right about me getting out of the house. Since coming into town, I have only left the house to go to the store. But spending time with Austin wouldn’t be good for me. In fact, I’m pretty sure it would be bad…really, really bad.

  “You should go,” Rhonda agrees then looks at my mom, and I see something pass between them.

  “I’ll think about it,” I tell them, and I will, but I won’t go. Thankfully, they let it go, and we spend the rest of the ride in silence.

  When we reach where the remains of my dad’s boat were found, I take in the beauty of the location. The sun’s out, reflecting off the calm water, and off in the distance are small islands covered in lush forest. It looks like somewhere my dad would have brought my mom and me to just float around in the water and have lunch, like we did often when he had a day off. After all five boats make a circle and drop anchor, people stand out on the decks of the boats, chatting and telling stories about my dad, while I pass around balloons and markers to people who want them.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, taking a seat next to my mom as I watch her write away on the red balloon, covering almost the whole surface with her message to Dad.

  “For once, I feel free,” she tells me, handing over the black sharpie she was using. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” She looks up at the view then back to me.