Money Can't Buy Love

  ***

  I have no idea how much time passed but I was struggling to breathe because water was thrown in my face. Once I was able to get my breath I saw this black muhfucka standing over me smiling with his broken face.

  "Fuck you pass out for?" He breathed to me. He sounded like he sucked air every time he spoke.

  "Fuck you Jock!" I spat on the floor. I think I heard what he said but I'm praying it's not true. "Oh God! What have I done!"

  "You did what you was supposed to do Charmaine. It all worked out better than I thought."

  I looked up at Jock with the dumbest look on my face.

  "What you talking about worked out better than you thought?"

  "My bad. I wasn't going to let you in on this but since it's over now it don't matter."

  I moved closer to him. I was a hot mess, breath smelled like shit, pussy smelling like litter box, clothes soiled, underarms burning like a 5 alarm fire and hair matted like a bum on 42nd Street.

  "What you talking 'bout Jock?" My voice had raised because I was no longer afraid of dying. I killed the only man I loved because I let my emotions get in the way looking for another kind of love. Why couldn't I just be happy with the way things were between me and Vic.

  Jock pushed me backward and I stumbled all the way to the window and then fell down on the floor. They only fed me Oreos and warm milk so I lost a lot of weight in two weeks so I was much lighter.

  He laughed through his wired mouth like something was really funny. I was hurt and defeated because I lost at a game I didn't know the rules to. I was thinking love when this muhfucka was thinking revenge. I fucked up and now I have nothing left to live for, I single handedly destroyed my life running behind something that I already had...true love. I'm laughing to myself because I now know that Jock wasn't really interested in me the way he acted because if he was he wouldn't have let them put me through this shit. I'm hurting so bad and all this muhfucka is doing, is laughing.

  "Yo Charmaine, I can't lie. If it wasn't for you I probably would have never known that muhfucka was still alive. All this happened on a humble. Vee is a very greedy and disloyal muhfucka."

  "What the fuck that got to do with me? I don't know shit about anything?"

  "You're right, it didn't have shit to do with you but when that muhfucka tried to do a dog trick and play dead, then you got involved. You were the key to us finding him. It cost me a broken jaw and cheekbone but it was all worth it because now that muhfucka is on ice." He showed his wired teeth as he hissed and all the while I was lost in what he was saying but I kept quiet because I wanted him to finish. "You know I was really shocked when you called, I didn't know you was on my dick like that." He tried to laugh through the wires in his mouth.

  All this shit was over Vic's business? He used me to get to Vic and I, like a dumb ass, thought this dude really liked me. My head was shaking left to right slowly because I fell for the okie doke. Vic used to always say I was green and I always thought he was trying to say I was money hungry or jealous but he when he told me it meant I was oblivious to streets I understood and I see what he was talking about now. I lost everything playing a game I didn't even know the rules to and got played. I hate myself so much right now because I'm responsible for killing my man. I can't take this pain in my heart. What have I done?

  "Jock, I didn't deserve this shit. I didn't come to you, you came to me and you used me because you saw I was hurt and in pain. I remember that day. Why would you play with my feelings like that? Was it all over money, huh?" I was getting emotional again, I wasn't making any sense, I didn't have any purpose anymore but I wanted to know why did he have to do me like this. "I was falling for you." I lowered my head, I was done.

  "You weren't falling, you fell. This is all business. You fuck with a muhfucka that get money on the streets illegally, don't act like you don't know about this part of it. You see the money and the drugs, you see the drugs and the guns and you see the power and the fame but this the side you want to play blind to, the destruction the shit causes, the lives, the homes, the families and the community. I hate when bitches act innocent because they feel since they're not involved directly that they should be off limits when it comes to shit like this. Fuck outta here! You just as guilty as that muhfucka because you know what the fuck he does! The money is what draws you to them and that life, not love."

  "That's not true Jock. I wasn't a drug dealer's girl or a hustler's wife. I loved Vic despite how much money he had and I didn't get with him because of it. I wasn't involved in any of his business, I didn't know anything about it, he didn't talk to me about it and I didn't want to know. I knew what he did and that is the reason why we started having problems. He was spending most of his times on the street and less time with me. I wanted him to stop what he was doing, I asked him to stop because us being together was more important, I wanted to be loved, I wanted true love and money can't buy that." I was sobbing as I spoke, my emotions were dying and I was giving up.

  "You think I believe that shit bitch! If you loved that muhfucka like you say, you wouldn't have never called me. You might not had no intentions of fucking me when you came but I know after you see me spend all that fucking cheddar then seen my Maybach, you changed your mind and was gonna let me sandblast that ass until Vee came calling." He sucked his teeth. "And if you really loved that muhfucka, you woulda never gave him up the way you did you lying money hungry smut!"

  That shit burst my heart and I couldn't stop the tears from coming out my eyes like buckets. It hurt to hear him say that because some of it was true. I couldn't stop, my shoulders were going up and down and my nose was running and I was slobbering. I finally fell down to the floor and let all the pain, frustration, guilt and hurt come out me like an exorcism.

  "Stop your bloodclaat crying!" He screamed at me and walked over to me and snatched me up by my shoulders and shook me then slapped the shit out of me. "You ain't shit bitch! You think I can't see through all this fake act you putting on? You all about the fucking money, I seen it in your eyes, that's what I used to get to you." He pushed me back to the ground and I fell into the corner in a dirty heap.

  I looked up at Jock, sniffled and whispered, "When you goin' to let me leave?"

  He looked down at me and shook his head.

  "Leave? You gonna leave but not the way you expect." He turned around and headed towards the door.

  "How I'm goin' to leave?" I asked between sobs

  "In a fucking body bag!" He slammed the door and my entire body shook as I erupted into a crying fit that rivaled the worst tantrum from a terrible two year old.