Dash & Lily's Book of Dares

  “CRIMSON ALERT!” she yelled into the air. “WE ARE UPGRADING FROM MANGO!”

  Another mother, about to take her baby out of its stroller, let go in order to blow a whistle—four short bursts, which I had to imagine corresponded to crimson.

  The whistle blowing was not a wise idea. Boris heard it, turned, and charged.

  The woman jumped out of the way. The stroller could not. I flung myself to the ground, trying to make myself as heavy as possible. Boris, confused, crashed right into the stroller, dislodging the baby inside. In slow motion, I saw it fly up, a shocked expression on its docile face.

  I wanted to close my eyes. There was no way I could get to the baby in time. We were all paralyzed. Even Boris stopped to watch.

  In the corner of my eye: movement. A cry. Then the most magnificent sight: Lily flying through the air. Hair streaming. Arms outstretched. Entirely unaware of how she looked, only aware of what she was doing. A flying leap. An honest, bona fide flying leap. There wasn’t any panic on her face. Only determination. She got herself under that baby, and she caught it. As soon as it landed in her arms, it started to wail.

  “My God,” I murmured. I had never seen anything so transfixing.

  I thought the crowd would break into applause. But then Lily, recovering from her flying leap, took a few extra steps, and a mother behind me yelled, “Child stealer! Stop her!”

  Mothers and other bystanders all had their cell phones out. Some in the mommy circle were arguing over who would send out the crimson alert and who would call the police. Lily, meanwhile, was still in her golden moment, unaware of the fuss. She was holding on to the baby, trying to calm it down after its traumatic flight.

  I tried to get up from the ground, but suddenly there was a formidable weight on my back.

  “You’re not going anywhere,” one of the mothers said, sitting on me firmly. “Consider this a citizen’s arrest.”

  Two more mothers and the eye-patched kid piled on. I almost let go of the leash. Luckily, Boris seemed to have had enough excitement for the day, and was now barking out orders to no one in particular.

  “The police are coming!” someone yelled.

  The baby’s mother ran over to Lily, who had no idea that it was the baby’s mother. I saw her say, “One sec,” as she tried to get the baby to stop crying. I think the mother was thanking her—but then a few other mothers descended and boxed Lily in.

  “I saw this on Dateline,” one of the louder mothers was saying. “They create a diversion, then steal the baby. In broad daylight!”

  “This is absurd!” I yelled. The kid started bouncing up and down on my tailbone.

  Two police officers arrived and were immediately besieged with versions of the story. The truth went vastly underrepresented. Lily looked confused as she handed the baby over—hadn’t she done the right thing? The police asked her if she knew me, and she said of course she did.

  “You see!” one mother crowed. “An accomplice!”

  The ground was cold and slushy, and the weight of the mothers was starting to rupture some of my choicer internal organs. I might have confessed to a crime I hadn’t committed in order to get out of there.

  It was unclear whether we were being arrested or not.

  “I think you should come with us,” one of the officers said. It didn’t seem like Actually, I’d rather not was an appropriate answer to give.

  They didn’t cuff us, but they did march us to the squad car and make us sit in the back with Boris. It wasn’t until we were back there, with some mommies calling for vengeance and the flying baby’s mother concentrating on making sure her baby was okay, that I got a chance to actually say something to Lily.

  “Nice catch,” I told her.

  “Thanks,” she said. She was in shock, staring out the window.

  “It was beautiful. Really. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

  She looked at me for what felt like the first time. We held like that for a few heartbeats. The squad car pulled away from the park. They didn’t bother with the sirens.

  “I guess we know where we’re going now,” she said.

  “Fate has a strange way of making plans,” I agreed.

  Lily had relatives all across the five boroughs, but unfortunately none of them were in law enforcement.

  She listed many of them for me, trying to figure out who would be best suited to get us out of this jam.

  “Uncle Murray got indicted, which is pretty much the opposite of what we need. Great-aunt Mrs. Basil E. dated someone in the district attorney’s office for a while … but I don’t think it ended well. One of my cousins went into the CIA, but I’m not allowed to say which one. This is so frustrating!”

  We weren’t, thankfully, locked in a cell. Instead, we’d been marched into an interrogation room, although nobody had thought to interrogate us yet. Maybe they were just watching through the mirror to see if we’d confess something to each other.

  I was surprised by how well Lily was taking our incarceration. She was far from a wee timorous beastie—if anything, I was the one who was jangled as we were ramrodded into custody. None of the police officers seemed particularly impressed that neither of us had parents who were currently within bailing-out distance. Lily ended up calling her brother. I ended up calling Boomer, who happened to be with Yohnny and Dov at the time.

  “It’s all over the news!” Boomer told me. “Some people are calling you heroes and others are saying you’re criminals. The videos are all over the Web. I think you might even make the six o’clock news.”

  This was not how I’d seen the day going.

  Lily and I hadn’t been read our rights or offered a lawyer, so I was guessing we hadn’t actually been charged with anything yet.

  Meanwhile, Boris was getting hungry.

  “I know, I know,” Lily responded to his whining. “Hopefully your daddy doesn’t have Internet where he is.”

  I tried to think of interesting conversational topics to bring up. Had she been named after the flower? How long had she been dog walking? Wasn’t she relieved that none of the officers had thought to use a billy club against us?

  “You’re uncharacteristically quiet,” she said, sitting down at the interrogation table and taking the red notebook from her jacket pocket. “Do you want to write something down and pass it over to me?”

  “Do you have a pen?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “It’s in my bag. And they took my bag.”

  “I guess we’ll have to talk, then,” I said.

  “Or we could take the Fifth.”

  “Is this your first time in prison?” I asked.

  Lily nodded. “You?”

  “My mom once had to bail my father out, and there wasn’t anybody at home to watch me. So I came along. I must’ve been seven or eight. At first she told me he’d had a little accident, which made me think he’d peed himself somewhere inconvenient. Then I was told it had been ‘disorderly conduct’—it never went to trial, so there’s no paper trail.”

  “That’s awful,” Lily said.

  “I guess it is. At the time, it just seemed normal. They got divorced soon after.”

  Boris started to bark.

  “Not a fan of divorce, I see,” I observed.

  “His treats are also in my bag,” Lily said with a sigh.

  For a minute or two, she closed her eyes. Just sat there and let everything else drift away, become beside the point. I didn’t mind that I, too, was disappearing. She looked like she needed a break, and I was willing to give it to her.

  “Here, Boris,” I said, attempting to be friendly with the beast. He looked at me warily, then started licking the floor.

  “I guess I’m nervous to be meeting you,” Lily said at long last, eyes still closed.

  “Likewise,” I assured her. “I find I very rarely live up to my words. And since you know me primarily through my words, there are oh so many ways I can disappoint.”

  She opened her eyes. “It?
??s not just that. It’s just the last time you saw me—”

  “—you weren’t yourself. Don’t you think I know that?”

  “Sure. But isn’t it possible that I was myself then? Maybe that’s who I’m supposed to be, only I don’t let her out a lot.”

  “I think I like the dog-walking, baby-catching, truth-telling Lily better,” I said. “For what it’s worth.”

  And that was the question, wasn’t it? What was it worth?

  “That Lily landed us in jail,” Lily pointed out.

  “Well, you wanted danger, right? And, really, it was Boris who landed us in jail. Or the red notebook that landed us in jail. The red notebook was a great idea, by the way.”

  “It was my brother’s,” Lily admitted. “Sorry.”

  “Well, you’re the one who stuck with it, aren’t you?”

  Lily nodded. “For what it’s worth.”

  I pulled my chair over so we were next to each other at the interrogation table.

  “It’s definitely worth something,” I said. “A lot. We still don’t know each other, right? And I’ll admit—I thought it might be best if we kept it all to the page, passed that notebook back and forth until we were ninety. But clearly that wasn’t meant to be. And who am I to blow against the wind?”

  Lily blushed. “ ‘And what did you do on your first date, Lily?’ ‘Well, we went down to the precinct house and grabbed two Styrofoam cups of water.’ ‘That seems very romantic.’ ‘Oh, it was.’ ”

  “ ‘So what did you do for a second date?’ ” I continued. “ ‘Well, we figured we’d have to rob a bank. Only it ended up being a sperm bank, and we were accosted by angry mommies-to-be in the waiting room. So it was back to the jailhouse for us.’ ‘That sounds exciting.’ ‘Oh, it was. And it went on. Now when I have to remember a date, all I have to do is consult my rap sheet.’ ”

  “ ‘And what drew you to her?’ ” she asked.

  “ ‘Well,’ ” I answered the phantom interviewer, “ ‘I’d have to say it was the way she catches babies. Exquisite, really. And you? What made you think, Wow, this gent’s a keeper?’ ”

  “ ‘I love a man who doesn’t let go of the leash, even when it leads him to ruin.’ ”

  “Well done,” I said. “Well done.”

  I thought Lily would be happy with this compliment. But instead she sighed and slumped down in her chair.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What about Sofia?” she said.

  “Sofia?”

  “Yes. Boomer mentioned Sofia.”

  “Ah, Boomer.”

  “Do you love her?”

  I shook my head. “I can’t love her. She lives in Spain.”

  Lily laughed. “I guess you get points for truthfulness.”

  “No, really,” I said. “I think she’s great. And I honestly like her about twenty times more now than I did when we were dating. But love needs to have a future. And Sofia and I don’t have a future. We’ve just had a good time sharing the present, that’s all.”

  “You really think love needs to have a future?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Good,” Lily said. “So do I.”

  “Good,” I echoed, leaning in. “So do you.”

  “Don’t repeat what I say,” she told me, swatting at my arm.

  “Don’t repeat what I say,” I murmured, smiling.

  “You’re being silly,” she said, but the silliness was falling out of her voice.

  “You’re being silly,” I assured her.

  “Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.”

  I drew closer. “Lily is the greatest girl who ever was.”

  For a moment, I think we’d forgotten where we were.

  And then the officers returned, and we were reminded once again.

  “Well,” said Officer White, who was black, “you’ll be happy to know that the videos of your exploits this afternoon have already garnered two hundred thousand hits on YouTube. And you were captured at pretty much every angle possible—it’s impressive that the statue of George Washington didn’t whip out an iPhone and email the photos to his friends.”

  “We’ve looked at all the footage closely,” said Officer Black, who was white, “and have come to the conclusion that there’s only one guilty party in this room.”

  “I know, sir,” I stepped in. “It was all my fault. Really, she had nothing to do with it.”

  “No, no, no,” Lily disagreed. “I was the one who hung that poster. It was a joke. But that made the mommies go a little crazy.”

  “Seriously,” I said, turning to Lily, “you did nothing but help. It’s me they wanted.”

  “No, I’m the one they thought was stealing the baby. And believe me, I don’t even want a baby.”

  “Neither of you is to blame,” Officer White interrupted.

  Officer Black pointed her finger at Boris. “If there’s anyone at fault, it’s the one on all fours.”

  Boris shuffled back guiltily.

  Officer White looked at me. “As for Johnny One-Eye, we can’t find anything actually wrong with him. So even if you happened to hit him with a snowball in the middle of a snowball fight—and I’m not saying you did or didn’t—no harm, no foul.”

  “Does that mean we’re free to go?” Lily asked.

  Officer Black nodded. “You’ve got quite a posse waiting for you outside.”

  Officer Black wasn’t kidding. Boomer was there with not only Yohnny and Dov but Sofia and Priya as well. And it looked like Lily’s whole family was waiting in the wings, presided over by Mrs. Basil E.

  “Take a look!” Boomer said, holding up two printouts, one from the Post website, one from the Daily News.

  Both had a dazzling photo of the baby falling into Lily’s arms.

  OUR HERO! shouted the Daily News.

  BABY STEALER! cried the Post.

  “There are reporters outside,” Mrs. Basil E. informed us. “Most of them quite indecent.”

  Officer Black turned to us.

  “Well, then—do you want to be celebrities or not?”

  Lily and I looked at each other.

  The answer was pretty clear.

  “Not,” I said.

  “Definitely not,” Lily added.

  “The back door it is, then!” Officer Black said. “Follow me.”

  With the crowds that had come to fetch us, Lily and I lost each other in the shuffle. Sofia was asking if I was okay, Boomer was enthusing that Lily and I had finally met, and the rest were just taking it all in.

  We didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye. The doors opened and the police told us to move quickly, because the reporters would catch on quick.

  She went her way with her people, and I went my way with mine.

  I felt a weight in my pocket.

  Sly girl, she’d slipped me the notebook.

  eighteen

  (Lily)

  December 30th

  The news of the world travels fast and far. Even to Fiji.

  They didn’t know it, but I was intermittently muting my computer speakers while my parents ranted from their side of our video chat. Occasionally I’d click the speakers back on to hear snippets of their tirade:

  “How are we supposed to trust you on your own, Lily, if—”

  Mute.

  Their hands flailed madly about from across the world while my hands concentrated on my new knitting project.

  “Who is this Dash? Does Grandpa know about—”

  Mute.

  I watched as Mom and Dad furiously tried to pack luggage while yelling at their computer.

  “We’re late for our flight! We’ll be lucky to make it. Do you know how many calls we’ve—”

  Mute.

  Dad appeared to be yelling at his cell phone for ringing again. Mom peered into the computer screen.

  “Where has Langston been all this time—”

  Mute.

  I continued working on my newest creation: a pin-striped, jail-uniform-themed doggy swea
ter for Boris. I looked up to see Mom’s index finger wagging at me.

  Un-mute.

  “And one more thing, Lily!” Mom’s face peered as close as she possibly could to her computer screen. I’d never noticed before, but she had truly excellent pores, which could only bode well for my own aging process.

  “Yes, Mommy?” I asked as Dad sat on their hotel bed behind her, flailing his arms around again, explaining the situation again to someone calling his phone again.

  “That was a marvelous catch, darling.”

  Grandpa was driving through Delaware (the toll capital of the highway world, he says) when Mr. Borscht called his cell to tell him about the headline, followed by calls from scandalized Messrs. Curry and Cannoli. First Grandpa almost had a heart attack while driving. Then he went to McDonald’s for a Big Mac to calm himself down. Then he called Langston and yelled at him for allowing me to become a jailbird and an international celebrity in the few hours since Langston was supposed to be in charge after Grandpa left back for Florida. Grandpa then turned around and returned to Manhattan, arriving home just in time for Langston and Mrs. Basil E. to bring me home from the police station.

  “You’re grounded until your parents get home to take care of this mess!” Grandpa screeched at me. He pointed at poor little Boris. “And keep that terror dog away from my cat upstairs!” Boris barked loudly and appeared poised to topple Grandpa, too.

  “Sit, Boris,” I told the beast.

  Boris plopped down onto the floor and placed his head across my feet. He hissed a low growl in Grandpa’s direction.

  “I don’t think Boris and I agree about being grounded,” I told Grandpa.

  “This is nonsense, Arthur,” Mrs. Basil E. chimed in. “Lily didn’t do anything wrong. It was all a big misunderstanding. She saved a baby! It’s not like she stole a car and went out joyriding.”

  “It’s common knowledge that no good comes to a young lady appearing on the cover of the New York Post!” Grandpa bellowed. He pointed at me. “Grounded!”

  “Go to your room, Lily bear,” Mrs. Basil E. whispered in my ear. “I’ll take care of this from here. Take that pony with you.”

  “Please don’t tell Grandpa about Dash,” I whispered back.