Celeste

  The around beneath me seemed to sink, and I was in as deep as my waist. The stream of red looked like it was flowing out of Noble's ear. For a moment he was caught against another boulder. so I thought I would get to him, but then the water just lifted him away and he floated faster and faster downstream, his body bouncing against rocks like a rubber tube.

  I kept screaming his name, but he didn't lift his head, nor did he try to stop himself from being carried away. As I went forward, I sank deeper and deeper until the water was up to my neck. It was icy cold. but I didn't really notice. My body was already numb from what I had seen. Unable to go farther. I stopped and watched Noble disappear around another turn. The brook raged on around me, sounding more like it was growling now.

  I made my way back to the shore as quickly as I could, and then I stopped, looked down the creek to where I had last seen Noble. before I spun about and charged through the forest, screaming and crying all the way home.

  8

  Death and Rebirth

  .

  Mommy looked like she didn't understand what

  I was saying. Maybe that was because I screamed it all so fast. She kept her head on the pillow and stared at me in the doorway, her eyes blinking rapidly as if she was trying to decide whether I was real or a dream. I probably looked like a nightmare, I was soaked through and through, dripping on the floor, Finally , she braced herself on her elbows and sat up.

  "What did you say. Celeste? Speak slowly. I don't understand you

  I struggled to catch my breath. The words just felt bunched up in the base of my throat. and I couldn't stop crying, All I could de was stand there and shiver. My whole body trembled so hard. I thought I could hear my bones rattling.

  "Noble... went.,, fishing." I managed,

  "What? What did you say? He did what?"

  She emerged from wider her blanket and found her slippers,"I want him back here immediately, Why are you soaked?" she asked as she stood up. "Talk!" she screamed and then had a coughing fit.

  She spit into a tissue, turned, and charged at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and runny, her face pale. She seized my shoulders and shook and shook while I bawled uncontrollably. Finally, she slapped me hard. My head nearly spun around and my skin stung. I gasped. She rarely, if ever, struck me or Noble like that.

  "Talk!"

  "He fell off the boulder." I said. Her eyes were so wide now, they looked like two dark tunnels into her brain.

  "Fell? What boulder? What do you mean he fell? Where is he? How is he? Tell me quickly," she said shaking me again.

  "The big boulder in the creek. He floated away." I said. He must have hit something when he fell. He was bleeding from the head."

  Her mouth held open, and then she threw me aside as if I were a large rag doll. Without thinking about what she was wearing, which was only a nightgown and slippers, she charged out of the bedroom and down the hallway to the stairs. I hurried after her, my body so numb I couldn't feel my feet touching the floor. She nearly fell going down the stairs and caught herself on the bannister. Then she waved her arms about as if she was driving away bats, screamed something I couldn't understand, and lunged for the front door. It wasn't until she was outside and down the porch steps that she paused and looked back for me.

  "Take me to him!" she shouted. "Take me to that boulder. Hurry!"

  I walked quickly ahead of her,

  "Faster!" she ordered, her voice like a whip. and I broke into a run until we were in the woods. For a moment I couldn't remember the direction. It put a panic in me. and I spun around and around. My skirt tot caught in some bramble bushes and tore. I fell, but got up instantly.

  "Where is he!" Mommy screamed at me.

  Desperate. I turned toward an opening and walked faster. A sense of direction returned. and I moved more determinedly toward the roaring sound of the creek. Mommy was right behind me now. When I glanced back at her. I saw her nightgown had been caught on branches and bushes, too, and had a deep rip from her waist across the front of her thighs. She had lost her slippers somewhere behind us and was barefoot. There was already some bleeding about her toes. She was coughing and choking, but she didn't seem to notice or care.

  When we reached the creek, I stopped. I immediately realized we were too far up. I plodded along the shoreline, hurrying down toward the big boulder upon which Noble had been sitting..

  "He was on that," I said pointing. "Fishing."

  "Where is he?" she cried looking about frantically.

  "He fell back, and then he floated away." I said. "I tried to get him to come home, but he was stubborn."

  I didn't tell her about our tug-of-war with the fishing pole. "I tried to go after him, but its too deep in there." I added.

  She moved past me and hobbled along the sides of the creek. I followed, imagining how painful it must be for her to step barefoot around the rocks and broken roots. She paused, looked, and listened.

  "Which way?"

  I just pointed downstream, where I had last seen his body rebounding off rocks that glimmered in the water, their jagged edges now looking more like jagged teeth.

  "Noble!" she screamed. "Noble. Its Mommy. Noble, where are you?"

  I joined her and screamed his name as well. The biggest crow I had ever seen swooped down from a tree and soared over the creek before threading its way between two tall pine trees and disappearing. Mommy stopped and watched it and then turned to me, her face crumbling in tearful agony.

  "No." she said and shook her head. "No." She swung her arms madly again, just as she had done on the stairway. I thought she looked like someone being attacked by bees.

  I stood there and searched over the water, combing the shore of the creek until she stopped swinging her arms, turned, and continued. We plodded along, and then suddenly Mommy paused and brought her hands to her mouth, jabbing her fingers so hard between her teeth, her jaw looked like it would crack.

  I studied the creek in the direction she was looking and saw him. His body was caught between two large rocks about five or six feet out in the stream. The water was rushing past his legs and making it seem as if he was kicking. His head was turned away from us. I saw his right arm was below the water. Somehow, his fishing pole had followed along and trapped itself in a nearby set of smaller rocks.

  "Noble." Mommy muttered and then shouted. "Noble!"

  She stepped into the raging creek and slowly made her way to him. I waited on the shore. With the water rushing about her waist, she gently lowered her hand to

  Noble's face and then she lifted his head out of the water so she could kiss his cheek. I watched her embrace him under the arms and bring him to her, holding him against her. The creek rippled and spun around them as if it impishly had them trapped.

  Mommy lifted her head away from Noble and tilted it back to scream his name. Her voice echoed and died in my heart. Coughing harder, but

  undeterred, she started toward the shore, dragging him along through the water and taking care to keep his head high.

  "Mommy?" was all I could manage.

  Struggling, she pulled him until he was on the ground. When I went to help, she reached out and slapped at my hands.

  "Get away!' she screamed. "Get away!"

  I stood aside and sobbed, my legs growing weaker and weaker until I could no longer stand and sat hard on the ground. Mommy hacked and coughed over Noble's body. Finally, I managed to look at his face.

  His eyes were open with an expression of surprise. There was a trickle of blood leaking from a gash in his right temple. His mouth was open just enough to show his tongue, which looked blue, but other than that, he looked like he could get up and start complaining about me pulling on his fishing pole and ruining his fishing.

  "Its her fault. All of this is her fault!" he would shout and point at me with a finger of accusation.

  I truly expected it and waited with my throat tight, my breath trapped below what felt like a rock in my gullet. Mommy would hate me. She would hate me forever a
nd ever.

  I stood up when she tried to lift him to his feet, but he was too heavy for her now. She was exhausted, her coughing relentless. Finally, she sat back again,

  "Will he be all right. Mommy?" I asked.

  She just stared up at me, then she held him against her breasts again and rocked back and forth. coughing.

  I felt as if I had run out of tears. I wiped my face and waited.

  "Go back and get the wheelbarrow," she said in a voice without any emotion, a dry, dark voice that didn't at all sound like hers.

  I got up quickly and ran through the woods again, taking care to remember exactly where I had left Mommy and Noble. By the time I got to the meadow. I was exhausted, but I found the strength to run to the barn. The wheelbarrow was just inside and to the right. Leaning against it was Noble's magic wand. It stunned me to see it there for a moment because it looked like it was pointing directly at me like that finger of accusation I feared at the creek. I took it away and gently laid it down before pulling the wheelbarrow out of the barn.

  It wasn't easy manipulating it through the forest. I got stuck a few times and had to break through brush and saplings, but finally, after what seemed like hours and hours to me, but was probably only ten or fifteen minutes. I broke out on the shore of the creek.

  I saw that Mommy had dragged Noble up farther.

  "Here!" she screamed. and I rolled the wheelbarrow to her.

  She scooped Noble under his arms and lifted. I went to lift his legs.

  "Don't touch him!" she shouted at me.

  I practically fell over backward jerking myself away. She coughed and struggled, but managed to get him into the wheelbarrow. Then she turned toward the forest and grabbed the handles. I stood there, waiting for her instructions.

  "Go in front," she said. "Find the clearest way. Quickly!" she screamed.

  I rushed into the woods and waited. It was very, very hard for her to roll that wheelbarrow over the rough ground, the stumps. and the tree roots. She never stopped coughing. Once she let me help her push the wheelbarrow over a ridge, but then she ripped me away from it.

  "Just lead," she ordered. and I continued, searching for every opening.

  Finally we managed to battle our way through until we had reached the edge of the meadow.

  "Go get the wheelchair,- she told me in a coarse whisper. It will be more comfortable for him. Hurry."

  I ran to the rear of the house, where she had stored it in the pantry. It had to be unfolded, and then I wheeled it as fast as I could to where she waited in the meadow. Noble's legs dangled over the end of the wheelbarrow. Mommy tipped it slowly toward her and again scooped him under his arms. She held him up enough to turn and lower him into the wheelchair. Then she carefully arranged for his legs and feet to fit. His head fell to the side, his eyes still open and now, it seemed, fixed on me. He looked like he was smiling madly, happy that I would bear the blame for all of this. I had to turn away.

  "Put the wheelbarrow back." Mommy told inc and started for the house.

  I grabbed the wheelbarrow handles and followed her across the meadow.

  I could hear her talking now between her coughs.

  "Why did you go fishing when I told you not to? I'm going to have to lock you in your room again. You disobeyed me. I told you I would keep you locked up all summer. I might just do that now. How can I trust you ever again?

  "Fishing," she continued and coughed. "Why is fishing so important? Boys are so foolish. Your father is going to be very upset with you and very, very upset with Celeste. He may never appear for her again," she added, which brought me to a complete stop.

  Why did she say that? Did she know about our struggle with the fishing pole? Had he managed to tell her?

  "We have lots to do," she said as she moved farther away, "lots to do."

  I watched her go to the side of the house and then around to the rear before I continued toward the barn. When I got there. I put Noble's magic wand back where he had placed it. Of all the things I had heard Mommy say, the one that disturbed me the most was that Daddy would be upset with me and never come to me again. Hadn't I tried to bring Noble home? Wasn't that what I was supposed to do? I didn't mean for him to fall. I didn't know my letting go would ruin his balance on the boulder. Why would Daddy be upset with me? It wasn't fair. None of this was fair.

  I walked very slowly to the house. I was actually afraid of going inside and hesitated on the porch steps. Luckily, it had become a warm spring day. I just barely noticed being soaked to the skin, and I was no longer shivering through and through. I was exhausted, perhaps too tired to shiver. The scrapes and scratches on my legs burned, but for some reason. I didn't mind it. I almost welcomed pain. It was bringing me back to life.

  Some teenager beeped his horn loudly and continuously as he and his friends rode by on the highway. I could hear their shouts and laughter. too. It was something teenagers had been doing for quite a while now. They thought it was funny. I suppose. All sorts of stories continued to be spread about us in the village. I watched the car disappear around a turn, and then I walked up to the front door and entered.

  For a moment I just stood there listening. At first I heard nothing, and then I heard Mommy upstairs. I waited until she appeared on the stairway. She had her arms filled with Noble's wet clothing.

  "Look at you." she said. "Go into my bedroom and take off those clothes. Then take a hot shower immediately. Do not disturb your brother."

  My heart leaped for joy. Disturb him? That sounded so good to my ears. I would never again disturb him. I vowed I would never complain about him teasing me either. He could order me all over the farm, if he liked. I wouldn't care. I'd pretend anything he wanted me to pretend. and I'd play any game he wanted to play, no matter how silly or childish.

  "He's going to be all right then?' I asked quickly.

  "Well see," she said, continuing down the stairs. She coughed when she reached the bottom and leaned against the banister for a moment.

  "Do you want me to help you. Mommy?" I asked.

  "No." she said quickly. "Just do what I say," she told me and walked to the laundry room.

  I looked up the stairway. He must have regained consciousness as soon as she brought him into the house. I thought. How wonderful. Most important. Daddy wouldn't be angry at me and never, ever show his spirit again. Well be all right after all.

  I went up, pausing at Noble's and my bedroom door to listen. I heard nothing. Of course he's sleeping, I thought. Mommy might have given him one of her herbal drinks, too. Hurrying along. I went into her bedroom, took off my wet clothing, and went into a hot shower as she had ordered. When I came out, I saw she had put my clothing on her bed. I dried off quickly and got dressed. When I descended the stairs. I found her in the kitchen, working on dinner. Her hair hung down limply, and she looked so worn, so exhausted.

  I saw she had the ingredients out to prepare a meat loaf, and I knew just how to do it now. The last few times we made it, she had let me do most of the work.

  "You're sick. Mommy, and more tired than I am. I'm sure. Let me do that." I said.

  She shook her head.

  "I have to be the one to make him dinner," she insisted. "Just set the table for the two of us. Go on. Do it," she commanded, and I went ahead and did what she asked.

  A little while later. I saw her prepare a tray and start for the stairway. Everything on the tray was covered. I imagined to keep it warm.

  "Should I bring that up for you. Mommy?" I asked.

  She didn't seem to hear me, or if she had, she didn't want to answer. Like someone in a trance, she walked down the hallway, her eyes so still. I watched her go upstairs and waited, listening to her go into Noble's and my room. She didn't come out for quite a while. I finally went to the dining room. where I sat and waited for her. Finally, she came downstairs. Once again, she looked to me like she was walking in her sleep. I got up and followed her into the kitchen, where she went through all the motions to set out our dinner
, but she really did nothing.

  She opened the stove, took out the meat loaf pot, took off the cover, and put nothing on a large plate because there was nothing in the pot. Then she uncovered another pot and scooped out nothing into another dish before turning to me.

  "Put the meat loaf and the string beans on the table while I mash the potatoes," she told me.

  I stood there staring,

  "Do it now before everything gets cold!" "But --"

  She turned away and started to mash potatoes in a bowl, only there was nothing in the bowl. As she worked, she coughed, sniffed, and wiped her eyes. She took deep breaths and kept herself hovering over the counter with her back to me. I didn't know what to do. so I took the empty dishes into the dining room and put them on the table. Then I sat and waited. Except for the sound of her tapping fork on the inside of an empty bowl in the kitchen. I heard nothing. Our house was so quiet. The pipes didn't groan, the walls didn't creak. It was as if the house was holding its breath, too.

  After a minute or so more, she came hurriedly into the dining room, carrying the bowl. She dipped a serving spoon in it and slapped air on my empty plate.

  "Start eating without me," she said. "Don't let everything get cold. I'm not hungry."

  She returned to the kitchen. I sat there, not sure what I should do. I wanted to cry. but I was afraid to utter a sound. I snuffed down my sobs and sat waiting to see what she would do next or what she wanted me to do next.

  Suddenly, she burst back into the dining room, this time with her hands over her ears.

  "I can't stand the humming. Do you hear it?" she asked.

  "No. Mommy," I said, my lips trembling. I couldn't help myself. I started to cry again.

  "I've got to go upstairs. I've got to get some rest. I want you to clean up when you're finished, and put everything away. Fix the sofa in the living room for yourself tonight. And keep quiet, keep as quiet as you can." she whispered, her eyes wide. "Do you understand? Do you?"