Celeste

  Noble was very upset about having to give up trucks and trains, toy soldiers and popguns, but when Mommy put on her angry face, he just turned away to sulk. She reinforced it all by telling him it would be painful to Daddy to learn that he was forgetting him so quickly, and because of what? A toy? Was that all he meant to him?

  He muted his tears and swallowed them back. To compensate, he returned to his make-believe world outside and made do with sticks and rocks, bushes and trees. No one had given us that to help us forget, and besides. if Mommy had told us once, she had told us a hundred times. Daddy's spirit was here. Daddy was in the tees and bushes. Daddy was in the house. We were with Daddy as long as we remained here. If we did that, we would always remain a part of him.

  Of course. I was waiting desperately now to see and hear him so when Mommy called us into the living room and sat us down on the sofa to tell us what had just happened. I was filled with anticipation and joy.

  She pulled open the curtains and then opened the window slightly as if she was letting Daddy's spirit into the house.

  "Children," she said, turning and clasping her hands over her breasts. "I have been with your father today."

  "Where?" Noble cried, practically jumping out of his seat. "Where was he all this time? Building a house? Where's his truck?"

  For a long moment Mommy simply stared at Noble. She could see that I knew exactly what she meant, and it bothered her to no end that Noble did not. still didn't understand all she had told us and continued to tell us about the spiritual world.

  Slowly, just the way she taught him his math sometimes, with painstakingly perfect pronunciation of every vowel and consonant, she said. "What did I tell you about the spirit and the body. Noble? Go on, tell me what I told you."

  He glared back at her and then glanced at me. I wasn't going to help him. Let her see how much he knows on his own, I thought. Maybe she wouldn't still say he has her heart.

  "I don't remember." he said petulantly. "Why didn't Daddy come into the house?"

  "I want you to remember. Noble," Mommy insisted. "What did I tell you?"

  He looked down, and then he raised his head slowly and said. "Daddy's body is a cup, and his spirit is all over the place."

  "Yes." she said. nodding. "Only, his body isn't exactly a cup. It's like the cup. I just used the cup as a way of explaining it. Do you understand?"

  Stubborn, he wouldn't respond.

  "If you don't tell me you understand, I won't tell you about Daddy," she threatened.

  He softened his shoulders and looked at her again.

  "I know," he said. "Daddy died, and his body isn't here."

  "Okay. Noble. Very soon you'll understand everything," she said, "I'm sure you will."

  She looked at me and nodded. I knew she meant. "and you will help him. Celeste."

  "Daddy came to me a little while ago. It's not that easy for a spirit to return to talk to the people he or she loves. When you go over to the other side, there are so many changes, so many different things to understand about yourself and about what you were," she said.

  Even Noble was paying attention now. Of course. I was barely breathing. I didn't want to miss a word,

  "For a while you can't help thinking like a living person. You can't get used to not having to touch the ground, to seeing everything at once as if you were looking down from a cloud, to hearing people's thoughts." she continued, raising her eyebrows. "Yes, the dead can hear your thoughts, children, so be careful about that, be careful you don't think something terrible or evil and then face your father or your ancestors, for they will know and be upset."

  Noble began to chew on the inside of his left cheek. And Mommy told him to stop.

  "Anyway, it takes a while for someone to understand and get used to being on the other side. He or she loves those left behind just as much, but its frustrating."

  "What's frustrating?" Noble asked immediately. He wanted to understand all this because it involved Daddy.

  "Annoying," she said quickly and flicked her right hand as if to chase away a fly.

  The spirit can't take direct action. If you are about to cut yourself or fall into a hole or get hit by a car, anything, he or she can't stop it from happening. What they can try to do is warn you if you'll listen."

  "I'll listen," Noble said with his eyes wide,

  "Will you? I hope so. Noble." Mommy said with a sigh. She glanced at me. I was staring at her impatiently. and I saw that annoyed her. But I didn't need all this preliminary information about what spirits could do and couldn't do. I wanted to hear about Daddy. She was doing this for Noble: only, and she and I knew it.

  To listen, to really hear," she continued, looking only at him. You have to believe and concentrate, Noble. You cannot flit about when I tell you things."

  "Okay," he said in a small voice. "I won't."

  "Well. I hope you will remember what you've just promised," she said. "Now then. I was walking in the meadow

  "Which meadow? Where?" Noble asked quickly.

  Mommy raised her eyes toward the ceiling and then, after a moment, looked at him.

  "Let me talk without any interruptions. Noble," she said sternly.

  He pressed his lips together.

  "I was walking in the meadow near the old well. I had my head down and I was thinking very hard about Daddy, picturing him in my mind. Its how you make contact," she explained. wouldn't let any other thought enter my head. He never said good-bye to me, you see. He went off to work and never came home."

  "Me neither," Noble said, nodding at me. "He never said good-bye to me."

  I thought Mommy would be very angry with him for interrupting again, but all she did was close and open her eyes.

  "When I talk and I refer to myself. Noble. I am referring to all of us. Understand?"

  He nodded, even though he didn't. Mommy glanced at me again and saw I did.

  "Anyway, suddenly, there he was sitting on the edge of the well like he used to when he wanted to tease me about his falling back and down into it. He was smiling. so I knew he was not suffering."

  "Did he ask about me?" Noble demanded.

  "Of course not. I told you he sees you every moment of the day. Noble. He knows all about you. This is most important, so be still," she commanded and leaned toward us. He told me you were both very close to being able to see and hear the spirits."

  "But Daddy made fun of the spirits. He never believed in them." I said.

  Maybe I shouldn't have. Mommy snapped back as if her spine was made of elastic, and for a few seconds she glared at me angrily, much more angrily than she had glared at Noble. Then, suddenly, she smiled, only it wasn't a loud smile. It was a whispered smile, like an offhand remark in someone's ear.

  "I know he made fun of me with you

  sometimes. Celeste." she said.

  I started shaking my head.

  "And you listened to him. You had that secret little thing about half an ear, didn't you?"

  My mouth opened. I never knew that she knew. She held her smile.

  "I suppose he thought he had won you to his side, the two of you laughing behind my back."

  "No. Mommy." I said. "I never laughed at you. Never."

  "No matter," she snapped and smiled again. "He's certainly changed his mind about all that now," she said. "One of the first things he told me was, he wished he had been wearing this," she added and held up the amethyst and dangled it before us. We both stared at it like two candidates for hypnotism as she dangled it.

  "So." she emphasized before putting it away, "never forget to wear what I bought you at Mr. Bogart's store."

  Noble looked at his amulet, which he still insisted was a worm with arms and legs, and then looked up at her quickly.

  "We talked for quite a long time. He kept apologizing for dying. for not listening to the warnings, for thinking he was invincible."

  "What's--"

  "Can't be defeated, beaten down. destroyed," Mommy said quickly. I could see she had no m
ore patience for interruptions now, even to explain something.

  "He realized he had hurt us more than he had hurt himself, despite the fact that he was the one who died. We were left without him, and you were left without a father. He wanted to find a way to punish himself. but I told him we needed him more now and he had to do whatever was required of him to stay around us and protect us, especially you two.

  "But," she continued. "I want to stress that he won't be able to do that for you until you are able to see and hear the spiritual world.

  "This is not something you can pretend. Noble," she told him sternly. "You must never ever lie about that, do you understand? Lying, being false, angers the spirits. Don't come to me and tell me you have seen or heard anything if you really haven't. That goes for you, too. Celeste," she said, nodding at me.

  "I wouldn't, Mommy," I said.

  "I won't," Noble promised.

  "Good. But when it does happen. I want to know about it right away. Okay?"

  "How will it happen?" I asked. "With you, sitting on the sofa?"

  "Maybe. Maybe when you're by yourself or playing or woken in sleep. There is no way to know that. Be alert, be ready, but most of all. I want you two to concentrate for an hour at least every day."

  "What's concert--" Noble started to ask.

  "I'm going to teach you now how to meditate, how to fix your mind on one thing and stay glued to that one thing so firmly that you will hear or see nothing else around you. You need to learn how to do that. Noble. It will help make it all happen faster." she said, nodding to herself. "It will help you to connect to your psychic energy, along with the Klena."

  "Is Daddy here now?" Noble asked.

  "Yes," she said, and he looked about the room. "He's right beside you," she said. "Listening to everything were saying and hearing all your promises."

  Noble's mouth dropped open. Slowly, he turned and looked. and then he looked at me to see if I saw anything. He could tell I didn't, but I was quiet. He looked again.

  "You can't see him or hear him yet. Noble. I told you."

  "I want to." Noble whined.

  "Then you'll do what I tell you," Mommy insisted. "It's time for bed. Go up and get ready." she concluded and stood up.

  Noble, full of disappointment, rose. I took his hand and we walked to the stairway.

  "Did you see him?" he asked in a whisper. "No." I said. "But we will," I said.

  He looked back. Through the doorway, we could see Mommy smiling at what was for us nothing. She was nodding. too. How I envied her.

  When she came to our room that night to say good night, she told us Daddy was alongside her. I closed my eyes after she had kissed Noble and then me. and I waited to see if I could feel Daddy's lips again. His kiss was always different from hers. He held his lips on my cheek longer and then tickled the tip of my nose with the tip of his nose. I didn't feel his lips, but I was sure I had vaguely felt the tip of his nose. My eyes snapped open. Mommy was leaving the room, closing the door softly, and in the wake of the hallway light. I was sure I saw Daddy's shadowy figure. I wanted to call out to him. but I didn't. My heart was pounding. The door snapped closed.

  At least Daddy could fix the wheel on my wagon," Noble muttered. "I don't have to see him for him to do that."

  I shook my head and turned away.

  He'll never understand. I thought. and I wondered how Mommy would live with that.

  Mommy's decision to start us on meditation was really her way of trying to get Noble to

  concentrate and make contact with the spiritual world. I didn't mind it when we began. but Noble hated it more than anything else Mommy made him do.

  She surprised us the next morning by having three cushions on the floor in the living room, one for each of us and one for herself across from us. She told us we could not have any breakfast until we practiced our meditation. Noble whined that he was hungry and wanted a mushy egg, which was a soft- boiled egg Mommy crushed with a fork until it sat on the plate like a yellow and white pancake.

  This has to be done on an empty stomach." she insisted and then she demonstrated how she wanted us both to sit on the cushion. Her directions were very specific, and she demonstrated.

  "Cross your legs and relax your shoulders," she directed and rose to help Noble get into the position. "Put your arms comfortably on your thighs. That's it. Don't bend over like that. Noble. I want you to keep your back straight, but not stiff. Do it," she ordered, and he groaned and followed her instructions.

  She glanced at me and saw I was doing it correctly, "Okay," she said, sitting across from us.

  "What are we doing?" Noble moaned, "I'm hungry."

  "We are learning how to concentrate so you can do what you have to do to see and speak to Daddy again. Do you want that?"

  "Yes."

  "Then just listen and do what I tell you to do," she said. "It's important you be relaxed. You open your mouth just a little, children, and notice your breathing. Just notice it. Don't breathe harder or faster. Notice how your breath goes out. Every time something else comes into your mind, toss it away and go back to noticing your breath."

  She closed her eyes and looked like she was doing exactly that.

  "I can't stop thinking about my egg," Noble complained.

  Mommy raised her eyes to the ceiling and then took a deep breath herself and said. "Okay, here's what else I want you to do. When you breathe in and out. I want you to say. hamsa."

  "What?" Noble asked,

  "I want you to say h-ah-m as you breathe in and s-ah as you breathe out. Go on. Let me hear it." I did it. and Mommy nodded.

  "Good. Celeste."

  Noble made it sound like "hamster," Mommy corrected him, and then she rose and knelt beside him and held her hand on his shoulder and had him do it repeatedly until she said he had it right. She told him to continue.

  Soon, we were chanting in a chorus. Noble tried to be louder than I was, and Mommy stopped us.

  "It isn't a competition. Noble. You're making the sound to help you not to think about anything else. Now start again."

  He groaned, and we did it. We sat like that and chanted along with our breathing for nearly fifteen minutes before Mommy decided our first lesson was over. Noble jumped to his feet and cried for his egg.

  "We're going to practice this every day from now on," Mommy said. "Once in the morning and once before dinner until you both can do it without me."

  Noble never took it seriously. He did what he had to do to get it over with and be able to eat_ but sometimes during the day when he was outside building a fort or battling dragons, he would call to me and chant hamsa and then laugh. Mommy didn't know it. but I practiced on my own. I wanted to do everything I could to bring me closer to the spirits, and especially Daddy.

  A few times Noble fell asleep during our meditation practice, especially before dinner because he was tired from a day of running and jumping and climbing rocks and trees. Because I had to follow and watch over him. I was climbing and running as well. Lately, it seemed to take more effort for him to do these things than it did for me. We grew at about the same rate. Maybe he was slightly taller by the time we were seven, but my arms and legs looked as muscular, and he didn't have as easy a time of pushing me and wrestling me to the ground as he used to. In fact, he stopped trying to bully me.

  Months had passed since Mommy had told us Daddy was here with us. Although I had yet to hear Daddy's voice. I thought I did hear voices at night. Often I woke and thought I could hear mumbling or whispering, sometimes right outside my window. It never frightened me. Instead, it filled me with excitement and anticipation. Once in a while when I was outside with Noble or working on our garden with Mommy. I would turn and see what looked like a shadow moving around the house or into the woods. It was a bright, sunny day, too. so I knew it wasn't just clouds crossing through the rays.

  Once I glanced at Mommy right after I had one of these visions. She looked at me knowingly, but said nothing. It pleased her though. I t
hought. Noble never saw anything or heard anything, and if I would stop what we were doing and ask him if he had, he would grimace, shake his head, and then tell me I was a liar. I got so I didn't ask him or tell him about anything I thought I had seen.

  I enjoyed our meditation. It made me feel peaceful. Noble got to hate it more and more and continually used it to catnap. Mommy grew terribly frustrated and then decided she would soon try something else. The meditation time was ended. Of course. I did it on my own, which was forever annoying to Noble, who would do everything he could to break my concentration. When he was unable to do it by talking to me or even shouting at me, he took to poking me with a stick or throwing dirt at me.

  I complained about it to Mommy.

  "Don't do it in front of him or when you're with him," she advised rather than reprimanding him.

  "But when I'm meditating. I don't know he's near me.. I don't hear him."

  "Just try to avoid him. Celeste," she said firmly and left me quickly.

  Whenever I did anything that annoyed or bothered him, she would reprimand me. Why wasn't she doing it to him? All she would say if I asked was. "We've got to do what we can to protect Noble. Remember that. Celeste. You have to watch over him. I can't be everywhere at all times."

  I didn't cry about it in front of her or in front of Noble, but when I was alone and I wasn't meditating or thinking about the spiritual world. I felt the tears burn under my eyelids. It wasn't fair. Why was she favoring Noble? Why was I the one bearing all the responsibility? None of it was fair. I thought.

  And then one night, hours and hours after we had fallen asleep, when the stars seem so bright it dazzles you and even the trees seem to be asleep. I woke with a start. Someone was holding my hand. I looked at it first and then slowly I raised my eves, and there he was. I was sure of it, even though someone else might say I was dreaming.

  Daddy was there. Smiling at me..

  He was no longer a shadow. I had crossed over.

  4

  A Trip to School